Work Text:
I hate school. I'm tired if being forced to go there. I only have 3 days until the end of holidays, and I literally still need to do a sort of presentation about "the effect music has on plants", and finish a reading sheet. I don't have motivation for anything anymore. I'm just on my phone all days and nights. I hate when suddenly something trigger me and make me remember my homework, because I don't have any motivation to do it, so I just cry. I'm tired. And I don't even who the fuck I am. I wish I were a boy. But when I try to refer to myself as one, my body and mind are making me "feel" like a something feminine. And when I think of myself as a girl, I want to vomit, and my body and mind make me feel like something masculine. I hate being in an alternative school. We're only 13 students in the whole school, and one doesn't come because she can't. She has a school phobia. I have one too. Last year, I only went to school 2 month. Now I go at least one time a week. Last semester, I went 1 day the first week, 2 the others, one week with 2 and a half day, and the last week it was 3 and a half day. I'm tired of this school, because we literaly have botanic classes with tests and grades, and it's really uninteresting. I hate it. But I can't enter a normal school, so I need to go there. Plus, the girls are always fighting. It's annoying. And I hate that the school is small because I'm the only one who really read Manga. And I want to find people who like Manga and anime, even webtoon, too, so I'm not just rambling alone. I hate to talk and the person just listen. I want to find someone who think like me, like the same things, and would like to talk with me. And I'm tired because I'm literaly trying everything to have a flat chest without a binder (my mom don't want me to have one) like I litteraly try to put on 4 sports bra to look flat, but it don't work, and I want to be flat. I literaly even tried to put my swimsuit over the bra to try to make my chest look more flat, but it don't work, and I just want to know who the fuck I am. I'm literaly begging to be trans because everything would be simpler. And I hate this life. But I'm scared of death, so I could never even try to kill myself. I'm tired.