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It wasn’t a feeling he often experienced. A full body release, in more ways than one. A wave of euphoria, a rush of dopamine and his muscles finally relaxing after minutes—years, really—of being tense.
As Erik laid there, silently, trying to catch his breath and feeling the sweat slowly cooling and drying over his body, he almost didn’t know what to do with himself. Should he get up and leave? Do something to fight everything that he was experiencing the way he always did? Or just give into it and let it overtake him?
Of course, that was when it became apparent that the decision was no longer his to make as his emotions got the better of him and the rush and release were just too much. Tears were welling in his eyes and, as he blinked, one slid down his cheek. The next time he attempted to take a breath, it shuddered and almost shook the bed underneath him.
Seconds seemed to last minutes as he focused on his breathing alone. Anything to stop crying, or at least to make it less noticeable. The last thing Erik wanted was to alert Charles and have him find out what was going on.
In the back of his mind, he was thinking that he would’ve been better off getting up and leaving when he had the chance, walking away and hiding in his own room, anywhere but in the room of the man he had just slept with for the first time. The man who seemed blissfully ignorant about the emotions that Erik was fighting for his life against.
And that was when Charles shifted on the bed, his head tilting back and over to the side, a look of bliss on his face as he smiled at Erik, loose and relaxed. All Erik could do was attempt to return the smile and hope Charles would ignore the look on his face. Just to play it on the safe side, the eye contact was kept to a minimum, his head turning away after just a second of looking at each other.
However, if there was one thing Erik was learning, it was that it was nearly impossible to lie to a telepath or keep secrets from him. Not that Charles was looking, exactly, it wasn’t as though Erik was afraid that Charles knew exactly what was going through his mind—but the other had explained that emotions and feelings were harder to block out and Erik had given him blanket permission where that was concerned.
And, after what they had just done, Charles had more privilege than normal when it came to his powers. Both of their shields were down, but Erik was trying not to think about that.
“What’s going on, darling?” Charles asked, shifting more, until he was on his stomach, laying on the bed and resting his upper body on his elbows. It was nearly impossible to avoid looking at Charles from the position they were in and Erik just had to hope the tears weren’t noticeable and give up on the idea of wiping them away.
Erik shook his head, even as he knew he wasn’t going to get away from this one. Once Charles got something on his mind—especially when it came to Erik and what he was going through—it was almost impossible to distract him.
“I’m sorry,” Erik said, in what he hoped was a dismissive manner and they’d just move past it. Alas, he couldn’t possibly be so lucky.
“Hey, look at me,” Charles said, his words as gentle as his voice as he moved again—this time to wrap Erik up in his arms and hold him close. All it seemed to do was make it more difficult for Erik to look at Charles, but he wasn’t going to complain about that.
It took a moment for Erik to realize he was calming down. His breathing evening out and returning to normal and the tears that were in his eyes slowed down, but they never once stopped. Not that Charles seemed to mind in the slightest.
“It’s alright, darling,” Charles whispered, pressing a kiss to Erik’s hair. “It’s a release. Emotional as much as it is physical. There’s nothing wrong with a few tears and there’s nothing to be ashamed about.”
All Erik could do was shake his head. Anything he could think to say didn’t seem right. This was hardly the time to argue with Charles and insist that it was something to be ashamed about, something that he shouldn’t be doing. But he also couldn’t just agree and move on since he was certain something inside of him was broken and this was hardly a reasonable reaction.
“I know it is, Charles,” He finally said as the smaller man pulled him in until his face was buried against Charles’s neck. “I’ve heard things, people make jokes. I promise this doesn’t happen every time.”
Softly, Charles shushed him, rubbing his back. “Even if it does, I’m alright with that, love. As long as you’re enjoying yourself and feel good, that’s all that matters to me.”
There was something in Charles’s voice that let Erik know he meant it. He really didn’t mind but Erik wasn’t sure he could say the same about himself. Was it possible for him to move past the way he felt about crying—even at the best of times—to allow himself to cry with someone else present, in a moment of complete vulnerability?
Then again, Charles always seemed to be the exception to every rule Erik had ever set for himself and, so far, Erik was still safe. The world hadn’t crumbled down around him when he let Charles into his life months ago the way he had always assumed it would. Perhaps this was another one of those things that he could allow and it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
Though that just led him to another question. Would Charles think any less of him? It didn’t seem likely, especially since the man was currently holding him while tears slid down his face, assuring him that he was alright and Charles didn’t mind the crying.
Still, he couldn’t help the little voice in the back of his mind insisting that he did care and he was just trying to make things less awkward right now. That this wouldn’t happen again and Charles would make sure of it.
It didn’t seem like something Charles would do but Erik’s mind was hardly listening to reason at the moment, running on his own thoughts, fears, and insecurities. He had been left behind so many times, lost his family, those he cared about. He had been taken advantage of and used in the past and it was hard to convince himself that this wasn’t just another case of that.
“You’re doing a lot of thinking,” Charles whispered and then a gentle kiss was placed on the top of Erik’s head. “Overthinking a little, I believe. It’s not that complicated, really. I love you, and I don’t care if this is something you need after sex. I’ll hold you every time and you can let it all out. It’s good for you, believe it or not. And I’m not going to stop it and I hope you don’t either. I know it can be hard to accept, but you are safe here. I’ll keep you safe and never want to do anything to hurt you.”
That, Erik could believe. Charles didn’t seem to have it in him to hurt anyone or anything. Even spiders, he wanted to catch so he could safely relocate them outside on the ground. And yet, Erik knew it would take him longer to fully be able to accept having a place he was safe, where no one would hurt him and people weren’t out to get him all the time. After years of always looking over his shoulder, it would be a hard habit to break, especially when he knew that one slip up could still get him killed. But there were places where he could get his guards down, times that he knew it wasn’t life or death.
Perhaps, after sex with Charles would be one of the times that he could learn that he was alright and wouldn’t have to worry so much.
“Those are the thoughts I like to hear,” Charles said softly but Erik could hear the smile in his voice. He couldn’t help but bite gently at Charles’s shoulder and earned himself a shove to the shoulder for his efforts.
“Stay out of my mind when I’m thinking things like that,” Erik said, “It’ll ruin my reputation.” There was no bite to the words, he didn’t mean it and both of them knew it well. As much as Charles struggled to accept it, Erik loved his powers and everything he was capable of. Perhaps that was just another sign that they were meant for each other.
“Oh, darling,” Charles said, his voice gently and almost patronizing, “You ruin your reputation all on your own. You don’t need me to help you do that.”
All Erik could do was pull back to glare down at the other man, who couldn’t help but laugh. They both knew Charles was just teasing him, after all. They always seemed to be somewhat on the same page, at least.