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It started so subtly, that any normal person would have not even been able to realize what was happening before everything already ended. but I noticed it from day 2. When Phoon said he felt sleepy and did not want to study for longer hours.
it started feeling odd when he'd take hours before texting back. the long gaps between replies, the one word texts, it did not feel like phoon at all. but I did not try to figure it out. or maybe I ignored it. I was maybe too confident to think phoon will alw
ays be here to be taken care of by me. that he'd next to be. be my only constant. but, like everything else, it became another lesson. nothing lasts forever. I knock the closed door one more time. "phoon. even if p fah has done something wrong, can u not be angry? I swear I will try to do better" a thing that I have learned about human psychology, is this - a desperate human can do anything that's asked of them.
I didn't realize untill this moment how much I craved the connection that I had with phoon. and I didn't realize how badly it was affecting me until waking up alone on my bed. he was just behind the door, but it felt like we were more distanced than when we did not talk to each other four years. because this time, the distance the emotional. the voices that used to be sweet, were now a firm refusal. "just go away p fah. I really do not want to talk. not now, not tomorrow, not ever." and I couldn't remember when was the last time I had felt like my legs were getting weaker till I had to sit down but now was definitely that time again.
a part of me couldn't even understand why. Why did Nong Phoon, who was always so happy to stay with me, not want any contact whatsoever? did something happen? but alas, I did the one thing I definitely did not want to at that moment. the last word I wanted to say, I uttered. "okay".
I do not remember how it all happened. How I was able to move, drive, or reach back to my condo. I had learned when u r in shock, ur body goes in autopilot. but it happening to me? even more shocking. I did not study. I couldn't. u kept looking at my phone, staring at the chat between me and phoon. at the 5 texts I had sent which were read but never replied to.
I clicked on the chatbox. "phoon, please..." the text was sent.
the one tick came less than a second later. but the second tick?
it never came.