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“New interior, huh?” Jack mused as he stumbled back into the TARDIS. “Can the TARDIS change too?”
“Obviously,” someone with a melodic Scottish accent snorted. “Rassilon, you’re stupid.” He turned to face a woman who seemed to bear a striking resemblance to Mary Poppins—if Mary Poppins somehow radiated evil. She was sitting on the console, legs crossed, looking into a compact as if she were fixing her makeup.
“Ignore her,” the Doctor said, rushing over to the console. “Get off the console, Missy,” she hissed, swatting at the woman.
“Boo,” Missy said, sliding down, her clothes somehow snagging on nothing. She immediately found somewhere else to perch, elegantly sitting upon the steps.
“Sorry,” Jack started, turning to the Doctor, “but who’s she?”
“Don’t mind her,” she said, waving her hand dismissively.
“Do mind me,” Missy said, sounding bored.
“I get that, but who is she?” Jack asked again.
“It’s just Missy,” the Doctor said, like she was stating the obvious.
“‘Just Missy,’” Missy scoffed, sounding offended. “I think the better question is who are you?”
“Captain Jack Harkness,” he smiled, extending his hand towards her. “Pleasure.”
“Oh, stop it,” the Doctor said. She always did that. It didn’t even matter anyway, because Missy just stared down at his outstretched hand and wrinkled her nose. It was a mystery as to why she was in the Doctor’s TARDIS anyway, considering how rude she was.
She grinned and turned to the Doctor. “Ohhh, I remember him now!” Jack blinked in surprise. He’d never met her before, so how could she remember him when he couldn’t remember her. His heart fluttered a bit. Maybe the Doctor had been talking about him. She turned back to him, still grinning. “You’re the man who’s a fixed point in time! Everything about your existence is wrong!”
His heart plummeted. Was that really what the Doctor had been saying about him? “Wow, Doctor, what have you been saying about me?” he said, mustering up enough strength to pretend like he was joking.
“I have been saying nothing. Y’know Missy, it is really so terribly rude to tell people their whole existence is wrong! You can’t just do that! You’re supposed to be good!” the Doctor said through gritted teeth.
“If being good means that I can’t tell people the truth, then maybe I don’t want to be good,” she said, wrinkling her nose as she stood.
“Missy,” the Doctor sighed, rubbing her face, which Missy moved out of the way to kiss her. Well, that explained a lot. She was allowed on the TARDIS despite her attitude because the Doctor loved her. “Missy, you can’t just kiss me when you want me to shut up,” she complained before Missy kissed her again.
“But it’s very effective,” she said. Jack stood there awkwardly, once again feeling like a third wheel.
“I’m so confused,” he started, interrupting them. “But who is she, why does she know me, what did I miss, what’s happening, and what kind of name is Missy!?”
“I think Missy is quite the excellent name, anomaly,” Missy said.
“Don’t call him that,” the Doctor said, smacking her on the arm.
“I’ll tell you, since you’re so thick,” she said, clicking her tongue. “Missy. Short for Mistress. And do you know what a mistress is? The female version of master.” She smiled. “When I had you chained up for a year, I was worried you’d be too smart, but now I see you’re like all the rest.”
Everything clicked together and his blood ran cold. He stared at the Doctor, hurt tainting his eyes. She at least had the nerve to look guilty. “Alright, alright,” she said, moving Missy out of his face, much to the other Time Lady’s displeasure. “Shoo,” she said pointedly, making Missy roll her eyes and saunter off.
“How is he—she—here!?” he hissed, grabbing her by the shoulders.
“Long story,” she hissed back.
“I saw him die,” he whispered, shaking her a little.
“Resurrectionist cult,” she whispered back, also grabbing his shoulders and shaking him.
“So was he brought back as her orr..”
“No, no, he lived for quite a while after that.”
“So how’d she… change then?”
“I don’t know. Do you think she shares everything with me?” she hissed.
“How much longer are you two going to do your little gossip game?” Missy drawled, admiring her nails. The Doctor and Jack turned to look at her before returning to their conversation.
“So what, you think she can be good now?” he whispered, eyeing her suspiciously. “Do you not remember what happened last time?”
“Believe me, I remember,” she muttered. “And it was her idea to be good!”
“Do you really think she can change?” he said quietly, eyeing her again, her feet now kicked up on the console as she filed her nails.
“Get your feet off the console!” the Doctor yelled at Missy.
“Booooring,” she droned, but she removed her feet nonetheless.
“The sex cannot be that good,” Jack hissed at the Doctor. She looked extremely offended.
“Well excuse you,” she started.
“Yes it can,” he sighed.
“Yes it can,” she agreed. They both nodded. Jack looked at her again. He just couldn’t associate her in his mind with the man who had tortured him and so many others for a year. She was still rude, yes, but she just wasn’t… evil. The meanness just seemed part of her personality, rather than something actually malicious. Like a different person. She was just that. A different person.
“Are you guys done yet? I’m booored,” Missy sing-songed, impatiently tapping her nails on the console.
“Missy,” the Doctor sighed fondly. “Patience.”
“Patience is boring,” she sighed. “Boooring.” She wrinkled her nose. “Rassilon, I’m beginning to sound like you.”
Jack supposed he approved. Maybe. Maybe there was a difference between the Master and the Mistress. She at least seemed like she was trying to be good, even if she seemed a bit bored with the whole process. The Doctor let go of his shoulders and bounced over to Missy.
“Is sounding like me so bad?” she asked, draping herself over Missy.
“Yes,” she said, peeling the Doctor off of her.
Jack smiled. Maybe they weren’t so bad together after all.