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Rudo knew, after Regto, there was no place in the world for him. He was ejected by the only grimy dump he ever knew just to be thrown in another that rejected him twice fold. He dealt with giant trash monsters trying to kill him and people prepared to do even worse. He joined the Cleaners out of a vengeful necessity and relearned how to be useful. And Regto was gone. And Rudo had nothing.
Being socially isolated on the Sphere was okay because Regto was everything from his best friend to his father. He didn’t need anyone else, not that many had tried to get close to him. And now, surrounded by strangers growing into something fonder, Rudo actually wanted to fit in.
It wasn’t an intentional barrier put up between the Cleaners and himself. At least, he didn’t think so. More so like still water, it reflected back on Rudo as if nothing existed at all. Reassuring touches and head pats, or a simple “You did good” reminded him of warm, calloused hands and a cheeky smile that left an ache in his chest. It made him feel wanted, and his gloves seemed to almost buzz with anima.
And yet Rudo did what he was best at, messing with the balance of his status that sent ripples through the aqueous shield he maintained. He couldn’t help but wonder what the foods Gris pulled on his plate were called. He never joined in on any of Team Child’s running games because he didn’t know how to play. He only just pieced together how the bathrooms worked. And it showed, in every side eye glance and stare of confusion as he continued to be different. It wasn’t so far off from the way people looked at him on the sphere, but it seemed to hurt more.
Rudo the Cleaner could be exceptional and useful on the field. It didn’t matter what he looked like or necessarily acted like if he got the job done. His gloves meant endless possibilities for an emergency situation. Normal Rudo spoke too differently, angered too easily, acted on a whim, and looked more alien than the trash littering his borrowed room. He would never be someone from the Ground. As much as they all grew to care for him, they knew it too. He would never be like them.
When he was feeling particularly lonely, Rudo liked to watch. As easy as he was known to blow up on a dime, he was very good at watching and waiting. Years of struggling to get even a word out amidst the pain in his hands, and even more years of silently sitting by Regto’s side as he read aloud made it so.
And so Rudo did, observing how Dear and Guita rallied their cards together to try and beat Riyo in a card game. How she had easily won last round, and yet was so much slower to react this time, letting Guita grip the dented spoon between her kaiju claws. Guita let out a cheer, turning to high five Dear and got up to brag to Bro how they had finally beaten the older Cleaner.
Zanka sat by Follo, pointing at the grooves in his Lovely Assistaff as is telling its story. Follo looked equally invested, holding Alan close and running his hand over the worn down edges. The table in front of them had different cleaning and repair supplies, which made it clear to Rudo what their plan for the night was. Or seemed to be, until Enjin threw an arm over Follo’s shoulder.
It seemed the man was trying to convince a very reluctant looking Follo to join in on the betting pot going on a few tables over. Rudo could see why as Tomme and Gris’ piles were notably higher than the rest.
The energy was lively and light, just the kind of think Rudo knew he could fuck up best. So he sat to the side, leaning on his knees that he had pulled close to his chest. The couch was comfortable, at least, but he couldn’t help but begin to feel antsy and look to leave without Enjin calling him out.
He only realized Corvus was even in the room when he glanced over at the door. The man was leaning slightly on the doorframe to the common area, a gentle smile on his face. He looked content just watching.
But Rudo watched too. And under his calm exterior, it almost looked like Corvus was gearing up to join them. He rang his hands and opened his mouth to seeing call our Semiu or Enjin sitting around the table, laughing. But just like Rudo, his own wall seemed to come up, and Corvus deflated in his spot. Well, as deflated as someone with his stature could.
“Hey, Rudo!”
His head whipped over to Riyo, who was using another chair at the table as a foot stool.
“You wanna play Spoons? I think Guita and Dear could use a lesson from their elders.”
“You’re just mad we won! And it took foreeevvverrrr to beat you!”
When he looked back to the door, Corvus was gone.
“Give me a minute.”
Rudo ran out of the room, grateful that Zanka had dragged him by the ear throughout headquarters until he didn’t get lost in the spare rooms anymore.
When he made it to Corvus’ office, Rudo hesitated. Maybe this was another impulsive decision, and he was reading something out of nothing. But that look of sad acceptance in the older man’s eyes made him finally knock.
After getting the go ahead, he anxiously peeked his head into the office. Corvus was already at his desk, papers spread around him. “Rudo! Did you need something?”
“Well, I…um,” Rudo muttered, not really sure how to verbalize the twisting feelings in his gut. Corvus was patient, however, and gestured for him to sit on one of the couches as he got together his thoughts.
Rudo spoke after a few moments. “You looked…like you wanted to say something. Back in the common room.”
“Well, there’s no requests out that I need a team for, so I suppose I didn’t have anything I needed to add. Just checking up on everyone.”
“But you weren’t. You wanted to be there too. Hanging out with everyone.”
Corvus stared at him for a moment, and Rudo felt his hands unconsciously clench together at how little he could read from the boss.
“And-and I did too! I tried, but I…I mean it’s not that I can’t do things but I…,” Rudo rushed to add. Great, he was already messing up.
Corvus was silent for a moment before closing the book in his hand and setting it on his desk. “Is it that obvious?”
“…Only if you’re paying attention. Dunno if anyone else noticed,” Rudo meekly said, chewing on his bottom lip. He wasn’t sure what to make of Corvus’ long, hard stare.
“I know I’m not like you, or anyone here. I know we work together and all that shit, but y’know we’re too different to really get one another. But when you were just standin’ there, it kinda reminded me of myself, I guess. It felt like you were leaving yourself out on purpose. And it kinda makes me anxious, like, if you can’t be normal and fit in how can I even try?!”
“Rudo, I—“
“Because I would finally get things! I didn’t know how to properly use the shower, or that you don’t bring flowers to sick patients,” Rudo muttered, getting louder as he spoke. He could feel himself getting worked up but couldn’t stop talking. “I don’t get how half the stuff I fix even works, and I don’t know how to play Spoons!”
The older man seemed to have cross the room while he was distracted, placing a firm hand on his shoulder. It was grounding, and gripping at the white glove with his own made breathing a little easier.
“I told you before how I keep important things from some of the Cleaners, right?” Rudo nodded, waddling along as Corvus guided him to the couch as he spoke. “It eats at me, honestly. I’m the dependable boss, and putting them in danger by keeping things they all deserve to know. I feel like by inserting myself in games and fun I’m ruining my image of a trustworthy person. It’s less easy to mess up when I have mission reports and deal with new findings. But somehow I worry the simple things and my own faults will make others turn away from me.”
“So we’re both kinda preparing to mess up really bad.”
“I suppose you’re right,” Corvus said. There was a brief pause of silence where Rudo stared down at his feet. He only looked back up when the older man’s gentle hand tapped him on the leg.
“One thing about uncovering mysteries is that we get to meet new people. I can’t imagine comparing Enjin to someone like Fu, just because they’re both from the Ground. They’re almost too different to get along.
“I don’t think being from the Sphere makes you all that different, Rudo. You value your comrades lives and knowledge towards your goals above all else, and I would say that more than makes us very similar. There is something to say about where we come from, but I don’t think it defines who we are.”
Despite his words, Corvus’ eyes still held that mourning sadness, the longing to be understood. Rudo wasn’t as good with words, but if they were so similar then maybe… “It’s the same for you keeping secrets, right?”
“Hm?”
“It’s kinda stupid to think secrets define you. I think about the secrets Riyo and Zanka and everyone else keep to themselves but it doesn’t change that they’re my teammates first. Sometimes I worry my secrets will cause harm to m-my…friends. But they trust me to keep them safe, so I think I can both keep secrets and not let anyone get hurt because of them.”
“You’re very smart, Rudo,” Corvus said, chuckling when he saw the boy’s reaction to his praise.
Rudo’s face lit up in a confusing mix of irritation and flattery. Corvus laughing at him made it worse, and he was only able to calm down after not so gently smacking him in the side.
“Now, what do you think about learning to play Spoons?”
Corvus ironically had a book all about card games, even a few that Rudo remembers Regto trying to teach him. The one Riyo, Guita, and Dear we’re playing was fairly simple, but it made Rudo feel much less anxious about getting involved. It felt good to be assured about something from the Ground for the first time in a while. And it didn’t take bloody trial and error, but instead a gentle conversation with someone else.
“I think you’re as ready as you can be,” he said, closing the book on his lap and watching Rudo rehearse snatching up the spoon in the game by using one of Corvus’ own he’d use for sugar.
Rudo stood up, balling his fists up in excitement rather than anxiety like he had done so much before. It was refreshing to feel included. He walked over to the door before stopping and looking back at Corvus, who hadn't risen from the couch.
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“You said you wanted to get closer to the rest too, right?” Rudo asked, his hand on the handle of the door. “So let’s go.”
“Rudo, I’m really—“
“People care about you. I’ve listened, so I know. Not like they can really say no to a boss who just wants to gamble over cards, y’know?”
Corvus’ muted eyes lifted to meet the bright red of Rudo’s, his unwavering assurance. Or perhaps it was the fact that wasn’t so alone in his feelings after all. It was a connection that neither needed to be born at the same time with, nor the same place.
“…Okay. We'll go together.”
Between their connected hands, Rudo didn’t feel like he was messing up. There was no dramatic pushback to their contact. It was as if there was never a wall there to begin with. The surface tension he was normally met with didn’t quake or ripple. He slid past his bubble of anger, fear, and anxiety without resistance. And it made him feel like he too, just Rudo, could begin to belong.