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Cens + Co.
Bood: Good morning team! Is everyone alive?
Dykstra: define alive
Bood: How about a check in?
Hayes: I’m definitely breathing.
Harris: Troy and I are all good. although he is still asleep. and on the floor.
Chouinard: Me and boyle are alive and fine.
Hayes: You and Boyle?
Chouinard: According to the note from our wives I found taped to the nightstand, we demanded a sleepover and would not take no for an answer.
Dykstra: Where is Boyle exactly?
Chouinard: …Wrapped around me like a damn octopus.
Bood: awww
Dykstra: So we just haven’t heard from Roz, Hollzy, or the rooks?
Bood: That’s concerning
Rozanov: SHANE IS MISSING
Hollander: Shane is not missing. Shane is getting breakfast.
Rozanov: You scared me moy lyubimyy!
Rozanov: What if I had heart attack and died?
Hollander: You’re fine you big baby. Open the door so I can come inside.
Young: 1 image attached
[Image Description: It’s a incredibly blurry .5 taken by Young. His arm can be seen outstretched from where he is sat on the corner of a hotel bed. He’s wearing sunglasses but no shirt. Both LaPointe and Holmberg can be seen in the background, only semi-awake and also on the same bed. LaPointe is in a baby tee with the words ‘Mommy’s Little Meatball’ on it. Holmberg is wrapped in blankets.]
Boyle: Mommy’s Little Meatball?
Hayes: At least they’re alive.
Bood: I’m only counting three rookies here.
Barrett: Don’t tell me you guys lost Haas.
Rozanov: WHERE IS MY SON.
Rozanov: THIS IS A BIG CITY HE COULD BE ANYWHERE
Rozanov: HE TRUSTS STRANGERS WAY TOO MUCH
Rozanov: NOW THERE IS GOING TO BE A MURDER MYSTERY DOCUMENTARY ABOUT HIM
Harris: I’m sure he’s fine, but I’ll check the socials pages.
Barrett: When was the last time anyone saw him?
Dykstra: That would require our memories, unfortunately.
Bood: fuck.
Hollander: Someone please remember something, Ilya is currently googling if you can put an amber alert out on a 20 year old.
Hollander: Harris he is very close to guessing his twitter password again.
Harris: I have found many interesting things, but nothing on Luca’s whereabouts.
Hayes: He doesn’t have his own twitter password anymore?
Barrett: Harris had to take it away after he threatened his favorite pizza place into bringing back the monstrosity he orders.
Young: did it work…
Harris: Don’t even think about it Young.
Harris: But yes.
Hollander: It is a very sensitive subject in our house.
Haas: hello?
Chouinard: oh thank god
LaPointe: he lives!!!
Rozanov: MY SON! HE IS ALIVE!
Rozanov: Where are you lapochka?
Haas: I don’t really know?
Dykstra: Am I reading that right.
Bood: Oh god.
Hollander: Luca Haas.
Hollander: What do you mean, you don’t know where you are?
Holmberg: ooooo Luca is in troubleeee
Hollander: Now is not the time for jokes Jack.
Harris: Not the first name…
Hollander: Send a photo of your surroundings now.
Holmberg: 1 image attached
[Image Description: Young can be seen rolling on the floor laughing. He has lost the sunglasses, but since found a shirt. If you want to call a cropped tee that says ‘Your Dad Is My Cardio’ a shirt. LaPointe is cradling a trashcan he most definitely, recently, puked in.]
Barrett: Your dad is my cardio?
Chouinard: Is there no real clothing in that hotel room?
Hollander: Not you Holmberg, I meant Luca.
Holmberg: sorry I am so hungover right now
Bood: Aren’t we all?
Luca: apologies in advance.
Dykstra: I’m scared.
Luca: 1 image attached
[Image Description: Luca’s legs are visibly underneath a blanket with someone else, unidentifiable, next to him. The room is quite messy and various things are scattered about. Use your imagination.]
LaPointe: DAMN HAASY
Hayes: I made the mistake of zooming in on things in this photo. I do not recommend it.
Boyle: oh my god
Hayes: I just said not to do it.
Rozanov: Luca Haas! Who is that?
Haas: idontknow
Bood: what.
Haas: i don’t know…
Hollander: Luca, you are going to get up, collect your things, and come to mine and Ilya’s room.
Haas: i can’t
Hollander: Nobody is actually mad, we’re just worried. We got scared when we couldn’t reach you and nobody apparently remembers last night.
Rozanov: Yes is all jokes.
Rozanov: Except for the amber alert. I did try to do that.
Haas: No I mean I can’t.
Haas: I’m sort of handcuffed to the bed?
Bood: Maybe the amber alert isn’t a bad idea.
Barrett: Define sort of?
Haas: Ok so I am handcuffed to the bed.
Haas: I can see the keys, they are just across the room.
Dykstra: Isn’t the guy still there? Wake him up?
Haas: but he looks so peaceful :(
Bood: I’m going to scream.
Rozanov: Shane is.
Hollander: The wallpaper suggests that you’re still in the team hotel at least, do you see anything indicating a room number?
Luca: Yes! I can see the little paper sleeve, it says 1410.
Rozanov: aw memories
Hollander: Not now Ilya.
Hollander: But yes very sweet.
Hollander: We are going to explain this to the front desk, get a key, and then come get you.
Hayes: You think they’ll just give you a key?
Hollander: I’m sure they’ll understand.
Haas: this is so embarrassing.
Dykstra: It’s fine kid, Roz has done way worse.
Rozanov: Hey!
Rozanov: True but not nice.
Young: We’ll come help.
Boyle: Rooks no. Stay where you are.
Young: Thank god. We wanted to be helpful but LaPointe just puked again.
LaPointe: dude??
Barrett: Now that everyone is located, anybody gain any memories back?
Dykstra: still no.
Chouinard: I’m afraid to open my camera roll.
Bood: I’m putting that off for at least another twenty minutes.
Hayes: I turned my lights on and got absolutely jumpscared.
Dykstra: You’re only turning them on now?
Hayes: Oh I’m sorry, I wanted the world to stop spinning first before I attempted lights.
Boyle: What scared you?
Hayes: I’ll just send a photo.
Hayes: 1 image attached
[Image Description: A full size, realistic, one-to-one replica of the batsuit is standing in the corner of his hotel room. Think Ben Wyatt in the Parks and Rec treat-yo-self episode.]
LaPointe: Where did you get that?
Hayes: I don’t know.
Hayes: Lisa is gonna kill me.
Holmberg: i mean… it’s not that bad.
Hayes: We already have this one. You’re telling me it’s “not that bad” I spent 20k on something I already own?
Bood: THAT COST 20K???
Harris: I have so many questions.
Rozanov: Child acquired.
Rozanov: 2 images attached
[Image One Description: A photo of Luca Haas, from his shoulders up. One hand is covering a very red face, the other is handcuffed to a bed post next to his head. He has no shirt and a lot of visible markings on his skin.
Image Two Description: Another photo of Luca Haas, this time wearing a shirt, also a questionable green baby tee that states ‘save a horse, ride a dj’. He appears to be in a different hotel room, sitting on a couch and flipping off the camera.]
Chouinard: Seriously what are these clothing choices.
Hollander: It’s the shirt we found with his belongings in that room.
Hollander: Me and Ilya don’t have any shirts like that, so they must’ve been acquired after we went back to our rooms.
Harris: How about everyone just checks what they are currently wearing and report back.
Harris: Troy and I also don’t have any shirts like this, so it must’ve been after we left too.
Bood: I’m safe.
Dykstra: same.
Hayes: 1 image attached
[Image Description: A selfie of Hayes, still in bed. The batsuit can be seen in the background. His top is looser, but still cropped, and states, ‘ban male podcasts’.]
Hayes: I mean, I don’t disagree.
Holmberg: here’s mine lol
Holmberg: 1 image attached
[Image Description: A very slutty selfie of Holmberg showing off his very tight, and very tiny, white top that says, ‘don’t hate me it turns me on’. He is also flexing for some reason.]
Bood: ????
Holmberg: what
Bood: Who else are you sending that to?
Holmberg: nobody why?
Dykstra: I’ll rephrase for him then, why are you thirst trapping in the team groupchat?
Holmberg: That’s just how I take selfies.
Bood: It’s way too early for this.
Hollander: It’s one pm?
Bood: That’s like seven am in hangover hours.
Boyle: Apparently me and Nick also acquired shirts. They were under our hoodies.
Boyle: 1 image attached
[Image Description: A selfie of Boyle and Chouinard, still in their hotel bed together. Boyle’s shirt reads, ‘god’s sexiest soldier’ and Chouinard’s reads ‘garlic bread slut’.]
Chouinard: I do love garlic bread.
Dykstra: Could’ve been worse.
Harris: Oh Evan…
Dykstra: Harris first naming is never a good thing I’m so scared.
Harris: 1 video attachment
[Video Description: Dykstra is on a stage, walking around a pole with a one hand grip on it. Big Green Tractor by Jason Aldean is playing in the background. He proceeds to do quite an impressive pole routine, his wife Caitlyn is visibly cheering him on and throwing dollar bills at him.]
Bood: Huh.
Barrett: How are you doing that?
Dykstra: I honestly don’t know.
Hayes: Does tequila make you flexible or something?
Rozanov: Dykstra! I didn’t know you could do that! Where were you hiding these talents?
Rozanov: You must teach me.
Hollander: For everyone’s sake that is not happening.
Luca: You made bad decisions too…
Rozanov: LUCA! Sassing your own fathers.
LaPointe: LUCA SPILL.
Luca: They have bandages in the same spot. My guess is tattoos.
Hollander: We don’t know that it’s tattoos.
Hayes: You haven’t looked?
Dykstra: I’d be afraid to look too tbh. Drunk tattoos are never a good idea.
Holmberg: I have a drunk tattoo.
Young: Yes we know about the infamous “left foot” tattoo.
Boyle: Wait I don’t.
Holmberg: I have the words “left foot” on my right foot.
Boyle: Okay yeah don’t take those bandages off.
Holmberg: :(
Haas: Hollzy looks like he’s gonna puke.
Rozanov: Luca stop laughing at us.
Rozanov: 1 video attached
[Video Description: A short, no more than five second clip shows Luca Haas giggling, or attempting to giggle on a plush couch. His voice is wrecked. Shane is in the background pinching his nose.]
Bood: Seriously Haasy what did you get up to last night jesus christ.
Haas: We already discussed my thing can we go back to making fun of cap and shane.
Chouinard: Please don’t be sexual, please don’t be sexual.
Rozanov: Okay we have looked.
Rozanov: They are very romantic.
Dykstra: I do not trust your opinion when it comes to that Roz.
Hollander: Hey! Ilya is romantic!
Dykstra: Not disagreeing Shane defend your man! It’s very noble.
Dykstra: But his idea of a romantic tattoo includes your name on his forehead.
Hollander: That’s fair.
Rozanov: Shane defend my honor!
Hollander: We are right next to each other.
Young: tattoo reveal please
LaPointe: please please please
Harris: That’s a Sabrina Carpenter song.
Bood: Oh my god Harris focus!
Hollander: It’s nothing crazy really.
Hayes: Shane stop edging us!
Rozanov: HEY! ONLY I GET TO DO THAT TO HIM.
Bood: Roz nobody was trying to do that.
Barrett: Maybe we all know too much about each other.
Hollander: Everybody relax.
Hollander: 2 images attached
[Image One Description: A close up of Ilya and Shane standing pressed together. Their shirts are pulled up slightly and their shorts pulled down slightly as well. A small ‘24’ is on Ilya’s lower left stomach, right where his hip begins. Shane has a matching ‘81’, except his is on his lower right stomach. This way when they stand next to each other the numbers are next to one another.
Image Two Description: A further back shot of Shane and Ilya. Their tattoos are still showing as well as their entire frames. Shane’s hand is around Ilya’s waist and he is smiling at the camera. Ilya’s hand is around Shane’s outer hip and he is licking Shane’s face.]
Young: awwww
Holmberg: that IS romantic
Rozanov: I told you it was.
Harris: I don’t want anyone to panic.
Dykstra: Harris that immediately makes me panic.
Hayes: Can’t be any worse than what we’ve already seen.
Harris: Before I send the twitter link, anybody want to confess anything?
Bood: It’s on twitter?
Boyle: Please don’t be me, please don’t be me.
Harris: I’ll be more specific.
Harris: Rooks, anything you want to confess?
Haas: genuinely don’t think there’s anything else i could’ve done
Chouinard: Did anyone steal a horse or something?
Barrett: Why is that where your mind went to?
Chouinard: I think my brain is still stuck on Dykstra’s country style pole dance.
Hayes: Ain’t nothing country about that split.
Hollander: Rookies, we aren’t mad, just whatever you did I’m sure it’s fine.
LaPointe: i am not falling for that one
Young: his next text is gonna be “just disappointed”
Hollander: Why is Ilya laughing at that so much?
Hollander: And how did you know that?
Holmberg: honestly Harris, no idea what you’re talking about
Harris: okay then
Harris: Twitter Link
Harris: There is a very long video of you three at a bar, taking turns kissing.
Harris: One of you literally says “Okay, me and you next!” before swapping.
[Video Description: The video is posted by a fan who was apparently at the same bar as them. Young, Holmberg, and LaPointe do take turns kissing, if you can call it that. Each “turn” lasts no less than thirty seconds and are all quite handsy and… intense. Haas can be seen in the background dancing erratically.]
Bood: Kissing is putting it lightly there is tongue involved here.
Boyle: Watching this now and there is a lot of tongue good lord.
LaPointe: we had to see if we were gay
Hayes: What do you mean had to?
Rozanov: Shane just sighed very loudly. You children are stressing out my husband.
Dykstra: I don’t think that requires a full rotation of kissing. Like the third set makes no sense necessity wise.
Bood: Dyks I really don’t think logic was on their side here.
Holmberg: but then someone would be left out
Young: and what if LP was just a bad kisser?
LaPointe: wtf man?
Chouinard: Was the hair pulling necessary?
LaPointe: it’s what i’m into
Boyle: What is wrong with you?
Chouinard: It’s my fault for asking honestly.
Rozanov: It is okay Shane likes that too.
Hollander: ILYA.
Dykstra: This feels borderline like porn you guys are really going for it
Dykstra: Also wtf is Haasy doing in the background?
Haas: Do not bring me into this. I am not involved.
LaPointe: aren’t you though
Haas: shut up LP
Rozanov: I am sensing things.
Harris: Okay but what was the consensus?
Barrett: HARRIS
Holmberg: not gay
LaPointe: not gay but i enjoyed it
Holmberg: well i enjoyed it too but i thought we were just giving our answers
Harris: awww
Hayes: Why is it kinda sweet?
Bood: Wait Young what’s the answer?
Young: I was questioning things for sure.
Dykstra: Oh?
Boyle: Was?
Rozanov: Haasy why are you blushing?
Hollander: Ilya in the groupchat really?
Rozanov: I am afraid he is texting the man from last night.
Haas: I am not texting the man from last night.
Barrett: Aren’t you all in the same room?
Haas: Yes.
Rozanov: Well it’s not like you can talk much Haasy.
Boyle: Why can’t he talk?
Hayes: Boyle man please stop asking questions.
Rozanov: How about you ask Luca’s mystery man from last night.
Holmberg: LUCA CLOSET FREAK
Rozanov: Like fathers like son.
Hollander: Ilya that is so gross.
LaPointe: Oh I know why Luca is blushing.
Haas: LP please
Young: don’t do this man
Hollander: What is going on?
LaPointe: This is what you get for accusing me of being a bad kisser.
LaPointe: 1 video attached
[Video Description: It’s blurry, but Haas and Young can be seen making out against a club wall. Hands are wandering and it’s bordering public indecency. Luca’s leg is hooked up on Young’s hip. He spots the camera and flips off the recorder while continuing his assault now on Young’s neck.]
Dykstra: OH GREAT HEAVENS
Hollander: Ilya is actually speechless. Him and Luca are just staring at each other in silence.
Hollander: Ilya is now speaking. Unfortunately it is in russian and much too fast for me to comprehend. I’m only getting random words here and there.
Young: Should I hide?
Bood: Possibly.
Hayes: I don’t remember Luca learning russian.
Hollander: He definitely doesn’t know it. He looks very lost. And also red.
Hollander: So far I’ve gotten shovel, boyfriend, fuckbuddy, one night stand, and lamp.
Dykstra: Fuckbuddy and one night stand? Really Hollzy?
Hollander: You all know how me and Ilya got together.
Holmberg: DAMNNN HOLLZY!!!
Barrett: But why did Haas end up with that random man instead of Young that night?
Hayes: Oh Barrett you closet hopeless romantic!
Young: it’s fine i told him to
Chouinard: These gays…
Boyle: I am again going to question the was.
Hollander: The room has gone silent again. Ilya is chewing on a bagel and staring at Luca.
Rozanov: Solnyshko I can see this.
Young: Ok so like after the initial makeout had me like maybe? i realized i needed to figure this out with a real gay person so obviously i went up to luca while he was dancing and explained things and he was down to help.
Rozanov: Haasy you are transparent.
Hayes: ‘Help’ is crazy.
Young: It started simple and stuff and then to answer Boyle’s question the was became like at least 33% gay. I told Luca this and I will keep some of it private because hashtag respect and things escalated. Anyways long story short I told him to enjoy one last night as a single man because I’m locking that ass down tomorrow.
Bood: Huh.
Rozanov: Haas. This is the man you want?
Young: HEY
Haas: Yes, it is.
Young: <3
Harris: So cute!
Dykstra: Sure it is Harris.
Barrett: No it’s cute.
Hollander: Ilya and Luca are hugging and Ilya is crying.
Rozanov: Lies and slander.
Young: I’m definitely gonna need to hide aren’t I?
LaPointe: oh 100% bud
Coach Wiebe: Where am I?
Coach Wiebe: 1 image attached
[Image Description: A very unflattering close up selfie of Coach Wiebe. He has a pink feather boa on and a cowboy hat.]
Bood: COACH???
***
Instagram.com
OttawaCentaursMHL: 10 images
[Image One: The centaurs on the ice all together holding the cup. They have bright grins and sweaty hair in the stadium.
Image Two: LaPointe, Haas, Young, Holmberg, Hayes, Boyle, and Chouinard standing together, arms around one another in their confusing shirts. It is still unclear where they came from.
Image Three: Shane in a tattoo chair holding Ilya’s hand. Ilya is flashing a thumbs up at the camera while Shane is grimacing in pain from the tattoo.
Image Four: Hayes wearing his new batsuit. He is standing outside a Taco Bell.
Image Five: Dykstra is on stage post pole routine. He is bowing for the camera while his wife Caitlyn is slightly blurring, still actively throwing bills.
Image Six: Haas kissing Young on the cheek at the club. Both are quite flushed and it is very clear what had occurred based on the state of their clothes and hair.
Image Seven: Courtesy of Boyle’s wife, a photo of Boyle and Chouinard cuddled up and knocked out in their shared hotel bed.
Image Eight: Barrett cradling a framed picture of Chiron while visibly crying.
Image Nine: Bood standing outside attempting to grill. He looks very confused about why the meat is not cooking. The grill is not on.
Image Ten: A screenshot of the team group chat. From where Coach Wiebe texts to Bood’s response.]
Caption: Celebrating Centaur Style!
400+ Comments…
IlyaRozanov81: Harris why did you hide this Troy photo from us. You got all our blackmail but we did not get this?
CaitlynDykstra: Never doubted your moves for a second babe!
BoodMan: So THAT is what I got up to that night…
WyHayesOtt: @BoodMan Is that why you texted the group for check ins? You didn’t remember what YOU did??
AndrewYounggg: #hardlaunch
LucaHaas71: @AndrewYounggg ok babe