Chapter Text
There had been three moments in Sirius’ life in which he had died. He was only 23 and most of his heart was rotten already.
The first time life had buried its hand deep inside Sirius’ chest and without permission, without warning, dug its claws in his heart, tore apart a piece and took it away forever was when Sirius was sixteen. It was the day he lost hope in finding a trace of goodness in his parents and ran away. It was the day his parents lost hope in finding dignity in Sirius and disinherited him.
The second time it was different, it felt different too. This pain had been like a plague. Because of his family and his parents' horrible comments, there had always been a dark patch on his soul. When he got into his firsrt relationship, it spread and grew bigger and bigger until SIrius stopped it. However it had a cost, he lost they love of his life.
The last one happened two weeks ago, when his mother had called after eight years. After Sirius picked up and asked who was it, he heard her. She voiced his name with that aristocratic accent and disgust, and he shiverred. Mother? Sirius had asked. And the next three words will be in Sirius’ mind for the rest of his life.
Regulus is dead.
Just like that, the rest of his living heart had stopped for just one second, and then it ached. Since then, it has never stopped aching. His chest had compressed so fucking hard he couldn’t breathe.
Now, he stared at himself in the big mirror in his bedroom. Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and his eyes roamed his body. He was wearing a tailored black suit, hugging his silhouette just right. His hair neatly combed. His shoes polished. He looked perfectly fine, so why the fuck did all his pain go? Where was his deep sorrow? His agony? His fucking anger? But at the same time the emptiness? It was in his eye bags, his puffy eyes, his shaking hands and his headache.
Sirius’ grey eyes followed the mess in his room. James had cleaned up two days ago, but it seemed Sirius had a certain talent to fuck everything up. There were so many tissues, napkings and toilet paper. So many dishes with old food and glasses of all shapes and sizes, and empty bottles of alcohol in which Sirius had drowned in. There were clothes scattered around because last night, Sirius remembered he had stolen a shirt that had belonged to Regulus. Sirius had lied to his brother saying he had never had it, and Regulus hadn’t believed him -of course- but hadn’t pushed because he was that fucking nice, and now Sirius had the shirt all to himself because his brother had fucking died.
Sirius screamed and kicked whatever was in his reach and punched the air. It was a tantrum. How childish. He was allowed to be childish, he was grieving.
“Ready to go?” James asked from the door. Sirius wasn't and for they firsrt times, he wasn't reckless and impulsive despite his fear. He felt lost.
Regulus would have hated his real funeral. All their supposed loved ones -relatives who never cared about them- were the only ones attending. Sirius could picture everyone stoic with fancy clothes and small talk. Everything they were taught. Everything Regulus hated about himself. Naturally, Sirius wasn’t invited to it.
Actually, Regulus wouldn’t have wanted a funeral. He would have said: I’m dead, I don’t care. You could say the funeral Sirius was attending was more for himself.
This event was what Sirius guessed Regulus would have wanted. Somewhere Regulus would have felt safe. The last place he would enjoy being before leaving all together. It was in a forest at night with soft lights enough to guide people and yet not too strong. There was food, no alcohol -Regulus had had problems with it- and Sirius had hired some people to play classical music. Sirius decided to play the piano himself.
This place was beautiful. It was freedom, it was home, it was Regulus.
Sirius arrived earlier with James. He would be the first to appear and the very last one to go, if he ever managed to leave. To leave him.
With his hands in his pockets, Sirius watched the surroundings and ended up sitting on the piano stool. At first, he pressed some keys, not really knowing what was appropriate. Then he decided for one that Regulus begged Sirius to play every night when they were little.
“Sirius, come on!” Regulus tugged his sleeve. “Don’t be mean! You know I can’t manage to play it!”
It was late at night, if Sirius did as told, Regulus would fall asleep on the couch, and they would wake up their parents. Sirius would be punished. He was certain, it happened before. It happened often.
“More reasons to not do it. You have to keep practising.” Sirius was sitting on his bed, having been woken by the little menace.
“I can’t sleep.” Regulus’ eyes had always been more blue than Sirius’. They were a cloudy day or the deep dark ocean. Right then, they were huge and pleading. Oh, no, he was going to… “Please?”
Sirius would have never denied anything to his little brother. He was Sirius’ to care and if something so simple as a song would bring a smile, then who was him to say ‘no’.
“Alright, come on.”
They tiptoed their way down the stairs and onto the music room. Regulus sat on the velvet couch, snuggled on a corner, and brought his knees-up, ready to fall into calmness. Sirius smiled. He sat down and started playing, his eyes focusing on his hands but sometimes on his brother. Regulus’ eyes were falling close but he was clearly fighting to watch the hypnotizing movement Sirius was making.
He smiled when he heard faint snores.
He cried when he heard nothing but the music fading into the night. Next thing he heard were only his sobs.
“Are you alright?” Peter asked, sighing from the driver’s seat and placed a hand on his thigh. Remus smiled fondly.
“Yes, Pete. You?”
“It’s weird. Sad. And I’m worried about Sirius. Also, a bit nervous to see Sirius and James again.”
The marauders split up about five years ago. After, Remus went back to his homeland, Wales. A year ago, Remus had moved to London once again and reunited with Peter.
“I think It’s exciting in some kind of way . It could be very nice.” Remus was getting used to this new optimism.
“It's a funeral, Remus. But yeah, I get it.” Peter thought about it for a second. “Alright, let’s go.”
The place was beautiful, the atmosphere was unique. There were few people, gladly Remus recognized most of all. All linked to his past. Remus’ stomach tightened a bit. There was Andromeda, Narcissa, Barty Crouch Jr, Pandora and Evan Rosier, Marlene and Dorcas. Remus breathed and, not for the first time, felt like an intruder.
“Breath. Inflate your chest. Chin up. Let’s go” Peter said, about to take a step forward when James appeared in front of them.
“Hey guys,” James greeted and without a second thought hugged them for a long time. First Peter, who took it without hesitation. Then Remus, who stiffened at first but relaxed when he felt the familiarity of the embrace. It was James after all. “I’m so happy you are here. It’s been so long. Look at you, all grown up, huh?” He chuckled a bit. “Remus, so sorry you had to come all over from Wales. You have no idea what it means-”
“Oh, no. I live in London.” Right, James but still strangers all they same.
James stopped in his tracks, having thought the same. “I didn’t know that. That’s better, then.” James’ smiled gently. At least his empathy and kindness had only grown with time.
“Where’s Sirius?” Peter asked.
“I think he was talking to Andy over there.” He pointed at a vague direction. “Next to the tree.”
“It’s a forest, James, which tree?” Remus half smiled.
“Right. Well, follow me.”
They did and some steps later Remus’ almost fainted. There he was, Sirius Black. They got closer and Remus more nervous.
There are some undeniable facts in life. Things that are they way they are and no one argues about it. One, for example, was that Sirius Black was they most gorgeous person that has ever existed. Everyone knew it, nobody denied it. Remus had remembered his presence was loud. In the way that he could make an empty castle feel full. Sirius was electrical, witty, dangerous, arrogant. But at the same time, Remus remembered his softness.
That was what Remus thought firsrt: all they reasons why he had fallen in love with him.
His second thought was how SIrius had broken his heart.He grew unconfortable.
“Sirius, look who’s here.” James moved aside to show Peter and Remus. Sirius was the same and yet different. More adult. His jaw squarer, he was in shape, more tattoos, more piercing. However, his eyes were the same, had the same affronting look. His moles were the same. His hair was longer. Sirius looked expressionless, intact. Remus didn’t think Regulus’ death would be something that Sirius didn’t care about. Sure, they hadn’t talked since Sirius left his childhood house. It hit Remus, it wasn’t that the man was painless, Remus just didn’t know how to read him anymore.
There was a moment in which nobody spoke, the four of them kept exchanging glances. Remus had never remembered a time in which they had been silent for so long. Remus had wondered if there was going to be a trace of what the marauders once were. Maybe each had just a bit and when they got together they would do a piggy bank. They would work with what they had left and start to grow a new friendship. But there was nothing there. What once had felt like magic wass now fruitless. Strangely, it didn’t hurt Remus.
“Hi,” Remus said, breaking the ice. He looked at Sirius, and said earnestly, “I’m sorry about Regulus.” Remus had been shoked when he hard the news. He hadn't had many interactions with Regulus. Nonetheless, he had built what SIrius had told him over the years and grew fond of the boy. It wasn't enough to make Remus cry and yet there was sadness lingering. “He would have loved everything. The nature, the homely lighting. "Well, everything except for your crooked tie.”
And there he was, Sirius broke whatever trance he was in. Sirius' smile was small, but it was still there. Then, he crushed into Remus and hugged him tight. Remus hugged him back immediately. He smelled the same. Fucking Christ, Remus' eyes watered. He had missed him more than he knew.
Sirius stepped back, sniffing and then he looked at Peter. To everyone’s surprise, Sirius embraced him too.
“Thank you.” His voice was not the same.
“You guys took a hell of an opportunity to reunite, huh?” Andy joked and Sirius let go of Peter and laughed. They all laughed.
“Dramatic as fuck, that’s what we are.”
Once all the guests had arrived, Narcissa ordered everyone to sit at the wooden benches. Except for Sirius, who stood in front.
“Hello, I appreciate you coming here.” Sirius took a deep breath and looked at the people Regulus had loved, had chosen. “Now is the part where we say some words. I’m not sure who wants to start…”
Gently, Pandora raised her hand. “May I?” Sirius had always liked her, she was good for his brother. While Regulus was all dark and morbid and structures, Pandora was just as weird and the image of freedom and kindness.
Not many talked, only four people. Sirius was sure to listen attentive, he craved to hear people talk about how much they will also miss Regulus. Sirius cried silently and hoped Regulus knew how much he was loved. Finally, it was his turn.
Sirius walked once again at the front. With a charming smile, he started to speak whatever shit appeared in his head. In the end, Sirius had never hidden who he was with his brother. And that was who he was talking to anyway. “I wish I had at least those big as fuck pictures of the dead person’s face. It would be easier to talk to Reggie, that’s for sure. Anyway, he would have hated that, so our imagination will have to do.” He chuckled, closed his eyes and let it go. “Regulus, you were a terrible brother. Horrible. Growing up, you would never defend me against our parents. You sometimes even insulted me with them. You hated me. You used me for my kindness and my love for you.” He opened his eyes and looked at the sky above him. The deep dark blue, some clouds but not enough to hide the stars. It was not a perfect night, yet it was a lovely sky with a lovely new star named Regulus. “At least, that’s what I used to think. Then, I remembered when you spent hours behind the locked door of my bedroom, hearing me complain about our stupid family. You never protested about the position we put you in. Always in the middle of our parents and me. And, fuck, I told you too many times how I was going to run away and never look back. You did talk back to me. Every bad word you couldn’t talk to our parents, you did to me. And then I did fucking left. You included.” Sirius gulped and whipped the tears from his eyes. "If we had never spoken again, maybe I would have never known you died, or maybe I wouldn’t care as much.” Sirius thought about Regulus. Stupid, thoughtful Regulus. “You couldn’t hate me, could you? You just had to get back to my life, fucking apologize and asked me please if I wished for him to be my brother again.” Regulus hadn’t fucking asked for a brother, he wanted to be Sirius’. He tore his eyes from the sky, his neck hurt, and looked straight ahead, at nothing in particular. At nothing this world had to offer anymore. “You knew I could never refuse you when you said please. I told you ‘Yes, of course’ but I should have said: Regulus you never stopped being my brother,” Sirius could picture Regulus easily. “You will always be my brother. Fuck, I will never understand how something so good could come out of that fucking family. And yet, there you were. Nice, special, human.” Good things don’t last forever, it was a law of the universe, because if it wasn’t, Regulus would be alive. Sirius glanced at the stars again. “You were, are so loved and you will be missed every single fucking second.” If Regulus had a minute of life, Sirius would spend it reminding him that Regulus did not pass unnoticed and Sirius would never take him for granted again. His brother was a forever mark in his soul. “This is not a goodbye. Don’t even think for a minute death will separate us. I’ll find a way. I always find a way. It's My turn to reach out and ask if I can be your brother.”
Remus had mixed feelings about Sirius’ speech. At first, he thought maybe Sirius needed some time alone, to rant and cry all he wanted. When he was getting at the end, Remus understood. They all were witnessing the proof that Regulus was and will always be loved, in this life and every other than followed, by Sirius Black. Because his love was Big enough to assure Regulus love for every universe.
After, the funeral came to an end. People started leaving, except for Peter, James and of course, Sirius.
They decided the best medicine was to go to a bar near James’ place and drink. They were in a corner, each pair of best friends on a side, facing each other.
“So what’s new?” Sirius asked once enough alcohol was running in their blood. If Sirius hadn’t changed, he was going to never talk about that speech. “You know most of my life. Everything is public these days, and what’s not worldly known, you were there to live it with me.” Remus actually ignored every article, song, interview that had Sirius in it, so he wasn’t familiar with, well, anything. They man was a mystery, Remus kept looking his way.
“I'll go first.” James always the bold one. “I dropped college two years in. Law school was not for me. So now I’m a personal trainer. What else, let’s see. Oh, I got my own place. Mmm, dated a bit, no one really stood out. Parent still alive-”
“Amen.” Sirius said and lifted his glass before taking a drink.
“And I’m a professional bartender. I love movies, superheroes and parties. There, done. This feels like my tinder profile” James giggled, clearly drunk and bowed. Jams pushed his glassed back up when they slipped down his nose. More giggling.
Remus huffed a laugh.
“Congratulations.” Peter nodded his head.
“Thank you.” James smiled. “Your turn.” And he pointed at Peter, finger actually touching Peter’s nose. He crossed his eyes, watching the movement.
“Alright. I worked in my dad’s company until I had money to pay for college. With all the pleasure in the world, I can now say you are looking at a systems engineer.” They wolf-whistled and Peter laughed. “I have a girlfriend, we’ve been together for two years.” More whistling and more laughter. “You are so stupid, God. Oh, talking about that. I’m no longer catholic-”
“Twins. Come here.” Sirius held an open palm for Peter to high five. He did.
“What happened?” James asked.
“Don’t get me wrong. I still believe in God. It’s just, I don’t like the-” He struggled to find the word, and meanwhile he did funny things with his hands, which they all found hilarious.
“Church?” Remus tried.
“Yes! But also like the whole, erm, fandom? I don’t know, I’m pissed.” Peter rubbed his eyes. “Are you laughing at me?” Peter tried to look offended but his smile was escaping. He started laughing too. It has been a long while since they were so happy with each other's company. “Whatever, I don’t care. I’m an engineer.” Peter said, smugly. Remus patted his shoulder.
“So, Remus?” Sirius asked, fidgeting with a napkin and tearing it. Was he shy? The thought made Remus giddy. Dumb.
“Yes?” He cleared his throat.
“It’s your turn, dummy.” James giggled. Dummy? He was becoming his mother.
“Oh!” Remus cleared his throat once again before realizing he had already done it. “I’m an English Mayor and plan to be a professor. And, er, I’m unemployed. That’s it.” He looked around and there was a clear question. How are you really? No one was brave enough to ask. Remus wasn’t brave enough to tell the whole story. There was a pause.
“To the marauders new era!.” James raised his drink, they followed.
“And to Regulus.” Peter said and Sirius smiled at that.
“To that fucking kid,”
They toasted and Remus felt warm. It was different from what they once were, and still, he wasn’t afraid.
Later, James offered the three of them to stay at his place. They kindly denied, even Sirius, but James wouldn’t give up any opportunity to show he was a real gentleman. Instead, he drove them each to their home. Pete sat on the front, which meant Sirius and Remus on the back. They talked for a bit about anecdotes of their childhood. Remus laughed softly, looking back with earnest.
“Hey,” Sirius said, only to Remus. Sober Remus would be nervous.
“Yes?” Sometimes in the past years -more often than not- Remus wondered if Sirius eyes were as magnetic as he had remembered. Now, seeing them stand out even in the dark, Remus knew why he had doubted. Something that looked that magical only seemed logical to have been imagined.
“You are doing better.” It wasn’t a question. Sirius had always been more observant.
“Yeah, I am.” Remus said, because he finally could, because it was finally true. He smiled at Sirius. It was nice when somebody noticed, and Sirius did after spending a few hours together and years apart. Sirius smiled back. It wasn’t his mischievous grin or his charming smirk. It was a genuine smile.
“Remus,” James called loudly. “This is you.”
Remus looked at the building with exposed red bricks and white details. It was Lily’s flat, well, her aunt’s, but it still felt like his home too. There was a window with beads hanging from translucid strings, plants and stickers. Beside it, another one with sun catchers and a green curtain.
“See ya”