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“I remember thinking that I could love you.” It comes out in a whisper. The sound drops into the cold night air and resonates in both of their ears. They both look at the night starry night sky and the outlines of the trees that surround them.
“I used to believe in everything.” Tobin replies back. She can’t help but close her eyes. Her mind feels so full, yet she can’t force herself to push any real thoughts out. It’s just pieces of her consciousness spoken for Alex to hear.
"What if you could touch a star." Tobin's voice cracks a bit, she’s uncomfortable with the seriousness of the conversation at hand. The midfielder is lying next to Alex in their combined sleeping bag. She raises an arm raised straight up and at the sky, pinching her fingers and squinting an eye trying to imagining what it would be like to grasp one.
"I'd give it to you." Alex replies back after a little bit.
"That's so cheesy." Tobin says still moving her arm around and trying to pinch it perfectly so the star actually looks like its in her hand. She didn’t like the tension that began to build after Alex said that she could love her. She doesn’t know what that means and she’s not the kind of person to just ask. She used to believe that everything would be alright. She used to believe in everything.
Eventually Tobin stops moving around so much and turns her body so that her face is looking right at Alex's. She can see Alex's clear blue eyes, bright in the darkness that engulfs them.
They're breathing the same air.
Alex isn’t one to confront anything either. They’re both comfortable with one another, but their most recent fights have went from ashes to flames. They’ve taken some time away to try and reconcile their feelings of guilt and displeasure. It's never been perfect, but they work at it. They work hard. For Tobin honesty comes easily and she loves freely, but for Alex, it's a lot harder.
“You remember thinking that?” Tobin says it after a few minutes. Her heart feels heavy in her chest. In the moments when they fight Tobin always holds back her real thoughts. She’s not one to say something that might make things irreparable. Alex always just screams and yells and in the end they come back together. They always say sorry, despite where the fault lays. This is different. They’ve been here for days now and haven’t had one meaningful conversation. This isn’t them. How do they piece something so fragile back together with their bare hands?
“I remember sitting on the field with you, before we became this mess, I remember sitting with you and thinking that I could love you.” Alex says back. Her voice heavy with emotion and her body an empty shell for her heartbeat. She hears it in her head and she can feel it everywhere. She doesn’t know much else right now. “I don’t remember when it changed from thinking I could to really doing.” Tobin turns her head to look at Alex who’s face is still looking up at the sky. She thinks she sees a tear, but it’s dark and she can’t be sure. Just the thought that this is so heavy and grounding makes Tobin close her eyes shake her head.
“That day, that day back in November. You tore my heart out.” Alex keeps going. She’s fighting through the pounding in her ears. She’s fighting through the way it’s getting harder to breath. “You tore my heart and I don’t even know when I gave you the chance to do it.” Tobin’s blinking tears now. Alex is laying herself out for Tobin. She’s opening up the barriers that have kept them fighting for so long.
Tobin puts her arm over her face as if it’ll hide her from Alex.
“I used to think love came easy. I used to think I could control my emotions and I used to think that honesty was everything, but those are all untrue. The only thing I can even think of believing in is you.” Tobin replies back to Alex with so much emotion that it wrecks Alex. Tears are falling freely now her body is shaking and she can’t understand why she feels so much.
“Everyday I see you I’m terrified. I’m terrified because I can’t control the way you sway me.” Tobin pushes that out. Her voice quivers on the word terrified. She’s never known honesty like this. Honesty that hurts her. She’s never been scared to fall in love till now.
They’re finally moving forward. They’ve been so quiet for so long about how they feel. Moving through the motions just to get through the day. Sleepless nights and countless arguments. They make up, but never move on. This is their chance.
“I didn’t think I could love like this.” Alex replies back. She knows Tobin’s scared now, but she needs to show her she’s not the only one. She needs to provide some assurance. She’s done with them playing dumb. “The kind where I feel like life is suffocating me and I just need you to help me breath. I just need you.” Alex refaces Tobin and cups her face softly. Those calm brown eyes. The ones that light up on the field.
This is the way it’s meant to be. She’s supposed to look into those eyes and now that she’s alright. All those fights, those restless nights, all the tears and the yelling, this is what they come down to.
“We’ll be okay.” Alex whispers into the cold night air.
“We’ll be better.”