Archive of Our Own ^beta

*****


Falling face down on bed, Yoochun couldn't tell what was hurting more – his body or his soul. He felt drained. His body was reliving aftershocks of their live performance, the first big live performance as a trio, and his head buzzed with noise and tiredness. He thought he could feel migraine approaching.

But his mind was blank.

It all had happened so fast. Their dissatisfaction with management, their inner talks that surprisingly very fast led to the official talks with lawyers. First real success in solo projects.

And then the lawsuit. The separation. The feeling that they had gone too far but were unable to stop. Because stopping meant admitting that they were wrong, and Yoochun knew, knew deep inside his heart that they were right. Even though everything which happened around them felt terribly wrong.

The determined and almost aggressive look on Yunho's face. Changmin shaking his head as if he was deeply disappointed in him – in them. Yoochun didn't want to go against his friends, his brothers. He didn't want the greatest part of his – their – lives to end. But it was ending. Whether they wanted it or not.

And even if everything got fixed, it still wouldn't be the same.

There would never be the same TVXQ.

Because they all had changed.

The bed springs next to him cringed as Jaejoong landed on the bed beside him.
He let out a long sigh and said into the pillow: “It was good, Chunie.” His voice was muffled, but he sounded satisfied.

The satisfaction and hidden surprise in his voice – We did it, Yoochun! We did it! - reminded the other man of Jaejoong's eyes when they had got news that their activities as TVXQ first in Korea and then Japan were being suspended.

Neither surprise nor fear but rather a deep resignation and tiredness – that was what he had seen in his friend's dark eyes. A determination to pull through, to overcome it all. To stay strong when Junsu was panicking, and Yoochun felt that the world was ending.

Yoochun didn't understand it back then, but now he knew – Jaejong hadn't believed that they would be successful as a trio no more than the rest of them. He had just never showed it.

And now Jaejoong was truly surprised.

Turning his head to one side, Yoochun looked at his friend. Jaejoong was looking back at him. The majority of his face was hidden in the pillow and only one bright iris was glaring at Yoochun through blond locks, small wrinkles in the corner of his eye.

Jaejoong was smiling at him.

And suddenly Yoochun's heart contracted.

He was overwhelmed with such a huge relief that it made him giddy. He felt elevated, happy, joyful. He was ready to cry and laugh out.

We did it! We did it!

And among it all there was another thought drum beating in his head.

I can't live without him. There is no me without him. He is the only one who keeps me sane. I can do anything for him. Anything.

Yoochun didn't know what urged him to do it, but he moved closer to Jaejoong. Hugging him, enveloping him, covering his body with his own. Until he was practically wrapped around Jaejoong.

“Chunie?”

But Yoochun didn't reply. He just pressed his face into the other man's shoulder. Smelling skin, and masculine sweat, and greasy hair gel, feeling strong muscled body under his own should have felt wrong. But it felt wondrously right.

And Yoochun wondered, how on earth he had missed it. Overlooked this utter devotion and self-sacrifice, the way Jaejoong's dark eyes always smiled at him. Missed this beautiful and scary feeling that was now squeezing his heart, threatening to break it in two halves.

Overwhelmed, he whispered, “I...”. And stopped, the words stuck in his throat.

But Jaejoong just chuckled, the sound traveling deliciously through their touching bodies, and simply said, “I know”.


//


Written: February 25, 2011
Revised: June 23, 2013