Chapter Text
- From now on, all complaints, requests, and new rules shall be written down and attached to this board so I, Bruce Wayne, may attempt to create a little more order in this home. None of you get a vote as to which rules I decide on. No, not even you, Damian. Alfred does have veto power, but only for the most dire of situations. But may I state for the record that this was my children's idea, not mine (Edit: It was MY idea -Dick) (Edit: No, it was mine -Tim) (Edit: NO IT WAS MINE, STOP TAKING CREDIT FOR MY IDEAS -Babs). I can only hope that this works.
- The Teen Titans are no longer allowed to babysit Damian here at the manor (final count of things broken: a Ming vase, Titus' carrier, a teapot, three teacups, the Swarovski chandelier, the mahogany coffee table, Garfield Logan's pride).
- No caffeinated drinks allowed between the hours of midnight and 3:00 a.m. (Tim, if you're wondering if this is for you, it is).
- No one is to "glitterfy" any of their siblings' uniforms.
- If you accidentally bleed on the antique furniture, please INFORM ME before Alfred finds out on his own. No matter how much you hate it when I'm displeased, you will hate it much more when Alfred finds out you gave him extra cleaning to do.
- Jason, stop eating the last of Damian's cookies, even if his angry expressions are "pretty fucking funny."
- Jason, stop eating the last of Dick's cereal.
- Jason, if you're going to eat everyone's food, you could at least occasionally help with the grocery shopping.
- If Jason eats my waffles, I'm gonna shove a batarang up his ass. -Steph (Edit: It wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've had up my ass. -Jason)
- Please stop referring to all the things you have all shoved up your orifices during sex. Or at the very least, stop doing it during meals.
- "[insert sibling here] dared me" is not, and never has been, a valid excuse.
- No one is allowed to bring weapons to Monopoly games.
- Or poker games.
- Or Uno games.
- Or Settlers of Catan games.
- Settlers of Catan is now banned from Wayne Manor. I hope you all realize that you're going to have to pay for the broken windows yourselves.
- Whoever keeps allowing Bat-Cow to roam the areas of the Bat-Cave where people step right after she eats is preemptively grounded.
- Tim is grounded.
- Damian, your pets are not you, and should not be sent to any Titans meetings in your place, no matter how much Garfield preferred their company to yours.
- Cymbals are not allowed within fifty feet of manor grounds.
- "That's bullshit" is not a good enough reason to disobey orders.
- Inability to pause online games is not a good enough reason for skipping patrol.
- If those of you who are not me or Dick keep going into the Clock Tower after eight p.m. to ask for tech advice, I'm not going to stop you, but don't say I didn't warn you. -Babs
- No one is allowed to put itching powder in Kate's suit.
- Dick, stop referring to the Bat-Cave as "Bruce's Man Cave" while out in public. The rest of you, stop encouraging him.
- Tim, you are not "gay coffee Jesus." Please get some sleep.
- To my sons: stop having Monster-drinking contests in the middle of the night. To my daughter: stop volunteering to be the referee. (Cass, I expected better from you. The rest of you...I suppose I should've seen this coming.)
- No one is allowed to draw Sharpie eyebrows on Jason's helmet. Or smiley faces. I don't care if "the last thing his enemies should see is a friendly smile."
- None of this raps or hip-hoppy or whatever-you-call-it music in the Bat-Cave. (Edit: Oh my god, is he ALWAYS this white? -Duke) (Edit: Yes. -Cass)
- Duke, why do you need to put butter on your skin and grease on your hair? Next time, just let me take you to the grocery store.
- Never let Bruce go shopping for ANY sort of cosmetics with you that isn't used by the Whites™. -Dick
- Can anyone explain to me what is a..."meme?" -Damian
- Raven Roth is not a viable substitute for the Manor's security system.
- List of current significant others no longer allowed at Thanksgiving meals: Koriand'r (because of the "traditional Tamaranean dishes and subsequent food poisoning" incident), Kon-El/Conner Kent (because of the "laser turkey" incident), and Roy Harper (because he's Roy Harper).
- Jason is not allowed to shoot people's phones. No, not even after they sleep through their seventh consecutive alarm.
- Whoever keeps buying Dick yoga pants, please stop. They're a size too small, and Barbara's already crashed her wheelchair five times.
- Tim and Damian are not allowed to buy dolls of each others' superhero identities, because they keep using them as pincushions. In front of each other. With a disturbing amount of glee.
- NO ONE (but ESPECIALLY not Jason, Steph, and Damian) is permitted to have a "Zombie Party" for their birthday.
- Stop singing "It's A Hard-Knock Life" when Alfred makes you do your chores. Just because you're all rich now doesn't mean you can be spoiled. Or at least, spoiled any more.
- Steph is not allowed to bring her iPod with her to fight crime. Villains don't need to be treated to your rendition of "Fergilicious," Steph. (Edit: But I do it so well...-Steph)
- Dick and Steph are not allowed to sing duets of pop songs while they fight crime. (Edit: Are you kidding!? Our "Call Me Maybe" was a CLASSIC. -Dick) (Your butt-swinging during the chorus was a little over the top, though. -Steph)
- Bruce, you do realize that Jason sings "Bohemian Rhapsody" while he's on the job and times it so that he can go "Mama, just killed a man" right after he ACTUALLY kills a man? -Steph
- Fine, now NOBODY'S allowed to sing on patrol. Are you all happy!?
- Seriously, what is a meme? -Damian