Work Text:
location: the exotic, exciting city of Toronto, Canada
time: current century, current month, current week, current day ... current time, which is to say: morning, early, or whatever time you're used to getting out of bed and wondering which pants you'd planned on wearing today and whether or not your roommate's going to feed you today
"You're kicking me out?" Scott asked. A helpful mood sign above his head indicated his current mood had just changed from 'asleep' to 'aghast'.
"Not in these shoes, I'm not," Wallace said. (Current mood: cheerful.) "No kicking for me. Unless I have to, of course."
"What, like when you're playing soccer?"
Wallace sighed. "I don't play soccer, Scott. Look, I made you breakfast."
"I don't want any," Scott said sulkily. "I mean, I'm not hungry." (Current mood: hungry.) "I mean, are you really kicking me out? For him?"
"Great cooking, Wallace," Him said (current mood: cheerful, but not as cheerful as Wallace).
"He tried to kill me!" Scott said. "He's eating my breakfast!"
Wallace shrugged. "He's famous, Scott."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"It means he's very hot."
"Not all famous people are hot. I mean, some famous people are really old. Like, seriously old. Like, older than my dad. Older than my mom's dad. My mom's dad's not hot."
"Your mom's dad's not famous."
"Dude, that's not my point."
"Hey," Him said. "You - Scott, right? You still want my autograph?"
"Don't be silly," Scott said. "Of course I want your autograph. I mean, you're, like, famous and stuff. And you know my name. That is so cool."
"Much better," Wallace said. "Scott, meet Lucas. Lucas, Scott."
"I know who he is. I know who you are. Of course I know who you are. You are famous," Scott said. (Current mood: fanboy.) "That is so cool. I'm hungry."
"I made you breakfast."
"You're kicking me out."
"Don't think of it as me kicking you out. Think of it as me helping you to finally strike out on your own. Helping you to find your path in life. Assisting you to declare a state of independence named Scott."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"You're just hungry."
"I'm not hungry."
"Scott ... "
"You're kicking me out. He's kicking me out," Scott (current mood: starving for sympathy) said to Lucas. "Can you believe he's kicking me out?"
"Look, bud," Lucas said. "The only thing standing between me and him getting it on right here on the kitchen table is the two minutes it's gonna take for me to drag your sorry ass out of that door. Capisce?"
"You have sex with people on our kitchen table?"
"My kitchen table," Wallace said.
"You have sex with people on your kitchen table?"
"Not yet," Wallace said. (Current mood: hopeful.)
"It's cold out," Scott said. "Like, really cold. Seriously cold. I could freeze my nuts off."
"You're a hetero, Scott. Your nuts are of very little interest to me."
"I could catch pneumonia."
"What are you, stupid?" Lucas said (current mood: disdainful). "Wear a scarf."
"I feel like his mother sometimes," Wallace said (current mood: motherly).
"You don't like my mother," Scott said (current mood: rebellious teen).
"Your mother doesn't like me, Scott. She thinks I'm gay."
"You are gay."
"It's not a bad word, Scott. It's a good, happy word."
"It's snowing."
"We're in Canada."
"You're going to throw me out there when it's snowing?"
"Kind of a dick move, would you say?" Lucas asked.
"Kind of," Scott said. "Maybe. It might be Christmas soon."
"It's September," Wallace said.
"Definitely kind of a dick move. A scarf's not going to help when it's snowing. It'll just get all wet and cold, and then I'm going to get all wet and cold, and you know what happens to people when they get all wet and cold. My parents might put me up in my old bedroom and feed me chicken soup."
"Scott, stop it. You'll make me feel guilty."
"It's got wallpaper with puppies on it."
"I hate you."
"I hate you, too."
"You should eat some breakfast. It's your favorite."
"Thanks. I'm not hungry."
"You're welcome."
location: Wallace's idyllic bachelor's pad, aka the secret base where no girls are (supposedly) allowed
time: current century, current month, current day, shortly after Scott has eaten his breakfast and has taken a phone call from his sister, informing him that if Wallace does, in fact, kick him out, it will have been All His Fault
"He'll be back," Wallace said (current mood: resigned).
"So we just went through two pages of absolutely pointless dialogue?" Lucas asked.
"Welcome to my life."
"Your life sucks."
"Only on the good days. Like today. I feel today might be a good day for some sucking."
"Is it okay if we talk like that? I mean - "
"It's a mostly dialogue only piece of fanfiction," Wallace said. "We could both be butt naked and about to have the most amazing, mind-blowing sex of our lives, and still keep the T-rating."
"We are both butt naked and about to have the most amazing, mind-blowing sex of our lives."
"Quod erat demonstrandum."
"Whatever."
"It's a tough fate being the smart one and the cute one."
"Whatever."
"Just to check: that two minutes thing is just a gimmicky line you use in the movies, right?"
location: still the place where Scott lives
time: not long enough after the previous scene to preserve Scott's innocent (?) ears from witnessing something he might very well have preferred not to witness
lighting conditions: dark
"Ah."
"Oh."
"Uh."
"Hey, is there someone else in this room? Damn paparazzi."
"Scott, is that you?"
"No?"
"It's just Scott. I guess he got back early. You got back early."
"It's been hours."
"What? Sorry, I can't hear. Sex, you know. Gets a bit noisy sometimes."
"I said it's been hours."
"Really? Well, you know what they say about time."
"Are you guys using the kitchen table?"
"Not anymore."
"Oh. Good."
"I think we broke it."
"Oh. That's not good, is it?"
"Don't worry, I'll get us a new one."
"When?"
"What?"
"When are you going to get a new kitchen table? I mean, it's going to be time for dinner soon. And there's going to be breakfast tomorrow. It could be a real problem."
"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"
"Oh, yeah."
"No."
"I wasn't talking to you."
"Who were you talking to?"
"Okay, I think the mood is pretty much ruined. Scott, could you turn on the light?"
"Will I see anything?"
"Hopefully."
"I have a hotel room. It's pretty nice."
"What kind of boy do you think I am, Lucas? For shame."
"I meant: will I see anything I don't want to see?"
"Oh. Hopefully not."
"All right, I'm going to turn the light on."
"Thank you."
"Is that a - "
"Yes."
"And you were - "
"Yes."
"Oh. I didn't know you could do that."
"No reason why you should ever have any use for that knowledge, Scott."
"Is it a gay sex thing?"
"Yes, Scott. It's a gay sex thing. Would you like me to draw you a diagram?"
"No, that's good. I'm good. Thanks."
"I wouldn't mind a diagram."
"A boy's gotta have some secrets, champ. Now, let's get dressed and find ourselves a new kitchen table. Lucas can come along and carry it."