Work Text:
He just needed a moment to himself, to regroup. He'd told Steel he didn't need counseling, that he could do this, but all of those people injured and dying in the hospital beds- He was responsible for them, and not just them, the people who didn't make it back as well – he took a shuddering breath, closing his remaining eye – Jennie, didn't make it back.
A sound startled him and he turned his head – he wondered how long it would take to get used to only having one eye, an eye that wasn't even really his – when he saw Jay standing there, giving him a concerned look, a small sense of relief started crawling its way bak into his chest. He had been briefed, more or less, on the events that had taken place on Earth, but not in any detail, mostly he suspected because people weren't entierly sure what had happened, but he had heard one speedster was lost, and another had lost his speed. He sighed and tried his best to smile, and knew he failed when Jay's frown deepend.
“Alan,” Jay said.
“I'm fine,” Alan said, not even expecting Jay to believe him, they had known each other for too long.
“I heard,” Jay said, pausing, Jay was the only speedster Alan had ever met who actually took his time to slow down and consider the words coming out of his mouth. “I heard about Jen. I'm sorry.”
Alan took a deep breath and looked down at the floor. He heard Jay move closer.
“How's Wally and Bart?” Alan asked instead.
“Bart is,” Jay started, “he's managing.”
Alan looked up at Jay, who swallowed, Alan could see the momevemt of his adam's apple.
“Wally,” Jay hesitated again, looking down at the floor. Alan could guess what would come next. “Wally is lost in the speedforce. Him and his family.” He paused again before shaking his head slowly. “I'm sure wherever they are they are fine.” He sounded strained, and Alan looked at him. “We don't need to talk about it,” Jay said. “You lost family, that's different.”
“Jay,” Alan said. “He was your family.”
Jay nodded.
“Losing family-” Alan swallowed past the lump in his throat, thinking of Jennie, how much of her life he had missed not even knowing of her until she was already a teenager. “it's never-” he paused. Jay grabbed him and pulled him into a hug. “Easy-” Alan mumbled, feeling his own control slipping. He wrapped his arms around Jay, holding on to him, chin resting on his friend's shoulder, as he started crying.
He hadn't always been a great father, couldn't even say that he had done his best, because he hadn't always been there for either of his kids, but he loved them. Loved them unconditionally and now one of them was gone. He started crying harder, and he felt his knees buckle under him, losing all his energy and he just wanted to fall down in a heap on the floor, but Jay hugged him tighter as Alan clung to him, his oldest friend the only thing holding him upright.
He didn't know how much time went by as he cried, just knew that Jay was there, his presence comforting. Alan had known him for so many years now, and he couldn't quite imagine not having Jay around. His thoughts strayed to thinking about Wally being gone. First Barry and now Wally. He couldn't help thinking of how easy it could have been Jay instead. He held on to his friend a little bit tighter, and when the worst of his tears had been cried and he could speak again, he opened his mouth.
“I'm,” he started. He had never been good at expressing his feelings, crying all over Jay was uncharacteristic in the first place, and yet he felt he needed to say something. He was best friends with a speedster, and they had a tendency to disappear rather fast. “I'm glad I got to see you again,” Alan managed to say.
Jay pulled back a little, his hands on Alan's upper arms, and he looked at Alan with a small crooked smile, and his eyes glittering from his own tears.
“I know, old friend, I know,” Jay said, and hugged him again. “And me too,” he mumbled.