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‘I don’t get it,’ said Erwin, slapping the newspaper back on his desk in frustration. To a much smaller man the gesture would have looked petulant, childish even. But since Erwin was anything but small, the movement seemed like a prelude to violence. The loud thump of his hand hitting the desk made Hanji jump and Levi looked up from the blade handle he was cleaning with a raised eyebrow. They waited patiently for him to give a reason for his outburst, but a minute passed and Erwin was still looking at the newspaper as if it was a financial report, disbelief and irritation plain on his face.
‘Okay,’ said Levi, ‘I’ll bite. What is it this time?’
Erwin’s eyes narrowed near sightedly at the scrap of paper in front of him. His eyesight wasn’t bad enough that he needed to wear spectacles and he knew Levi would never let him hear the end of it, so he went without. If it got him in trouble outside the Wall, so be it. The price for vanity was high, but he very seldom indulged so he reckoned himself well justified.
‘Listen to this,’ Erwin said, after a few more minutes of impatient silence. ‘“Erwin Smith, Commander of the Scouting Legion, once again evaded questioning from the Military Body as to the unorthodox practises of his men.”’ Hanji opened her mouth to say something, but Erwin went on, ‘“This is not the first time the armed forces and the public alike expressed suspicions regarding the decisions of this big blond pervert.”’ He slammed a hand against the desk again, ‘ Big blond pervert . How the hell do they come up with these damned appellations?’
‘Are you sure you didn’t pick up a gossip paper by mistake?’ Hanji said. Her mouth was working, and Erwin had the terrible suspicion that she was trying hard not to laugh. ‘Still, it’s better than what they used to call you, isn’t it?’
‘And what’s that?’ said Levi. He was refusing to meet Erwin’s eyes; there were few circumstances that made Levi drop his usual impassive expression, but Erwin was willing to bet a whole year’s pay that this was one of those moments.
‘The big blond rock,’ said Hanji, voice as flat as if commenting on the weather. ‘Wasn’t it? The press is really getting creative nowadays. Not much going on inside the Wall, I reckon.’
‘What I would like to know,’ said Erwin, in aggrieved tones, ‘is how I stopped being a rock and started being a pervert instead. I haven’t done anything.’
‘Well,’ said Hanji, rubbing a finger under her chin. ‘Not exactly.’
‘What the hell do you mean?’
‘Levi joined the Scouting Legion last year, didn’t he?’ said Hanji, now pointedly refusing to look at both men’s faces.
‘What’s it got to do with me?’ said Levi, too puzzled to be irritated.
‘Well.’ Hanji’s poker face was nowhere near as good as Levi’s--or come to that, Erwin’s--and Erwin could see the exact moment she decided to be hanged for a whole herd of sheep as well as the proverbial lamb. ‘People always see you with him, don’t they?’
‘He’s my commanding officer, isn’t he?’ said Levi. ‘Can’t see what my presence has to do with Erwin’s perversions.’
Erwin let that slide. He’d had worse, from Levi. Calling Erwin a pervert was almost kind. Besides, Erwin wanted to know what Hanji was getting at, although he had a suspicion where this conversation was going.
‘I understand that,’ said Hanji. ‘And I don’t mean to imply anything, okay? It’s just that people talk, and they’ve been seeing you two together a lot, recently. I reckon it has something to do with how that looks.’
Was it just Erwin or was Hanji actually hedging? He’d never seen the squad leader as anything but confident and decisive. A bit mental and too talkative by half, maybe, but the Scouting Legion was made up of all sorts of personalities and Hanji was far from the weirdest person Erwin has had the pleasure of knowing.
‘And how does that fucking look?’ said Levi. Erwin was quite happy to let him do the talking this time around.
‘How do you think?’ said Hanji. ‘The difference in height and build alone would probably fire imaginations and get tongues wagging, but with you practically following him around like--’
‘Are you fucking telling me,’ Levi cut in before Hanji could compare him to a cute little animal, a thought that somewhat amused Erwin, ‘what I think you’re fucking telling me?’
‘Surely they don’t think Levi and I--’ Erwin’s voice trailed off when Levi turned and gave him the full force of his murderous expression. ‘Gossip and speculation aside, I don’t see how that makes me a pervert. They never call Commander Pixis a pervert. Is it because Levi’s a man?’
‘He doesn’t look like one though, does he?’
‘I hardly look like a fucking broad,’ said Levi, with pardonable venom. With his military record and ferocious mien, no one actually had the guts to comment on Levi’s height and less than rugged looks; not in his hearing, anyway. Erwin raised an eyebrow at him, as much a reprimand as he’s willing to give Levi for talking about women in that manner. Erwin might as well have frowned at the Wall for all the good it did him.
‘What I meant was that Levi looks like a little kid,’ said Hanji, addressing the person who was less likely to kill her with his bare hands. ‘And no one knew your tastes ran in that direction.’
‘Who the fuck’s a little kid?’ said Levi, at the same time Erwin said, ‘But Levi’s old .’
Hanji raised her hands in what she probably thought was a placating manner. ‘Just saying. Oh dear, I think I hear someone calling for me. I’ll just leave you two--’
‘I refuse to be the reason why everyone thinks Erwin’s a fucking pervert,’ said Levi, huffily. It was surprisingly cute, although Erwin would never tell him that. There were more honourable ways to die, after all.
‘--to sort it out, then,’ Hanji continued, as if Levi hasn’t spoken. Erwin’s men were pretty skilled at selective hearing. And evading uncomfortable situations, it now seemed like. Hanji had walked briskly towards the door while talking, halfway out of Erwin’s office before turning back around and adding, ‘You know, neither of you has denied anything. Isn’t that odd?’
She closed the door behind her, a second before Levi threw his blade handle in her direction. It hit the door hard and landed on the stone floors with a loud metallic thunk, but the noise wasn’t enough to drown out Hanji’s laughter from outside the room.
‘That’ll leave marks on the wood,’ said Erwin.
‘Won’t be the first,’ said Levi, sitting back down the sofa and making no move to retrieve his equipment.
‘Well.’ Erwin cleared his throat. ‘Maybe we should make less public appearances together, you think?’
‘Do you honestly care what those fuckers think?’
‘Do you?’
Their eyes met, Levi’s expression softening before he looked away. ‘Fuck them. Who cares who you’re fucking as long as you do your job?’
Erwin smiled. ‘True enough.’
*