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“I love you.”
The first-time Jim had said those words to Leonard, he hadn’t paid much attention. “You have a concussion,” he’d informed Jim, and slipped his pen-light back into his coat pocket before going to prepare a hypo to reduce some of the swelling. “Save your confessions for the next person who gives you an orgasm.”
Jim had opened his mouth to say something, no doubt to protest and reiterate his undying affection, but Leonard had forestalled him by pressing the hypo against his neck with a tad bit more force than strictly necessary. “Now go on back to the dorm, and no sleeping until I get home all right? I’ll need to check you again before you go passing out.”
“Ow! Shit!” The mournful look Jim had sent him spoke of absolute heart break, which Leonard didn’t believe for a second.
“Quit being a baby and get,” he pointed toward the door.
“I’m getting. I’m getting,” Jim shot back with a slight shake of his head. “See you at home, Bones.”
~ * ~
“I love you.”
The second-time Jim said it, Leonard really should have been prepared – but honestly, he was fairly certain it had been the concussion that first time. Celebrations with Jim had a tendency of ending one of two ways: both of them passed out on any horizontal surface in the dorms, or Leonard being woken up at some god-awful hour in the morning as Jim snuck back into the dorm.
Really, it wasn’t that different this time.
Leonard groaned softly, and rolled so he was actually facing in Jim’s direction, only to find himself staring straight into Jim’s eyes. “Jesus, Jim,” he cursed, scooting back and nearly falling off the far too narrow bed.
Jim grinned his cocky grin, and chuckled as he flopped an arm over Leonard’s waist and pulled him back from the edge of the mattress, and much closer to Jim in the process. “They’re called single beds for a reason you know,” he pointed out – sounding far more sober than either of them had a right to be.
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Leonard muttered, and shifted on the mattress until their legs were tangled together and his own arm was draped over Jim’s waist.
Now firmly anchored and secured, Leonard let his eyes fall shut again, ready to give himself over to blissful unconsciousness so he could regret all this when he was actually sober.
“I mean it, Bones,” Jim spoke into the silence again, and Leonard had to bite back a groan.
“You’re drunk, Jim,” he muttered, drunk enough himself to admit that he was too scared to open his eyes because he knew damn-well that Jim would be staring at him with those baby-blues that made Leonard forget how to think straight.
“No I’m not,” Jim protested.
At that, Leonard did crack an eye open.
“All right, maybe a little.”
Leonard snorted.
“Okay, maybe a lot. But you said to save my confessions for the next person who gave me an orgasm, and I did.”
Leonard tensed, suddenly feeling far more sober than he had a second ago. “Jim…” he said softly, carefully, trying to figure out what the hell he’d just walked into. He pushed himself up on an elbow and stared down at Jim, squinting slightly in the dark of their room.
“No. No. Nevermind,” Jim blurted out before Leonard could organize his thoughts. A hand pulled at his shoulder, and Leonard collapsed back down onto the mattress. “You’re right, I’m drunk. Don’t know what I’m saying. Forget I mentioned it.”
It was a lie. Leonard knew that, even in his current state. Jim knew exactly what he was saying. Knew exactly how much sex he hadn’t had in the last month. Still, Leonard settled back down and pressed his face into Jim’s neck.
He probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning.
~ * ~
“I love you.”
This was becoming a habit, and Leonard wasn’t sure if he hated it or not. It was certainly hard to ignore the way Jim looked at him when he said it, or the warmth it spread through Leonard every time he heard those three little words.
Unfortunately, he knew he couldn’t say it back, not when Jim kept springing it on him in the worst situations.
“You’re upset, Jim,” Leonard said softly, wrapping his arms more firmly around Jim’s shoulders.
Jim sagged into Leonard’s chest. He pressed his face against Leonard’s clavicle and released a shaky sigh.
Gently, Leonard rubbed Jim’s back, letting the silence settle over them. This was going to become a tradition too, Leonard could feel it. Not that he could blame Jim, having your birthday on the same day your dad died, no wonder the kid didn’t want to celebrate, got touchy at even the mention of the day.
“You never believe me,” came a muffled voice from Leonard’s chest. “I do, you know. I lo-”
“Jim,” Leonard cut him off, his voice gentle but firm. “You don’t-” He sighed and shook his head, cutting himself off. He couldn’t say for sure that Jim didn’t mean it, maybe he did, but neither of them, Jim included, could trust those feelings or thoughts if they could only be voiced when Jim was in some sort of vulnerable state.
“Bones. Seriously.” Jim raised his head, eyes slightly red from the tears he’d been suppressing all night.
“Seriously, Jim,” Leonard cut him off again with a shake of his head. “Don’t. Please, just…just don’t. I can’t…if you can only say it when you’re out of your mind, then it’s not real. Not the way you think. I’m here for you, kid. I’ll always be here for you. So…let’s just…let’s sit here, have a drink, and put on a holo or something, okay?”
A frown tugged at Jim’s lips, but eventually he jerked his head and pressed his face against Leonard’s neck again.
Leonard sighed softly, and turned his head to press his lips against Jim’s hair.
~ * ~
“I love you.”
The words blow across Leonard’s ear, and he shivers, stepping out from under Jim’s arm draped around his shoulder. “Jesus fucking Christ, Jim. You’re going to give me a heart attack.” At this point, Leonard knew he shouldn’t be surprised. After Jim’s birthday, it seemed like every time he turned around Jim was telling Leonard that he loved him. It was flattering, honestly, but also more than a little embarrassing. Honestly, Leonard didn’t know if he dreaded the next declaration, or secretly looked forward to it.
Okay, he did know, but he wasn’t sober enough to admit it this time.
“Do you believe me yet?”
Leonard sighed and shook his head, a small smiled tugged at his lips. “You know, Jim. You saying it every five minutes tends to diminish its impact.”
Jim huffed at Leonard and rolled his eyes. “I can’t say it all the time, I can’t say it when you think I’m vulnerable. When can I say it so that you’ll actually believe me?”
At that, all Leonard could do was sigh. “I don’t know, kid,” he admitted after the silence seemed to stretch on forever. He shrugged. It wasn’t that he didn’t think Jim loved him, he just wasn’t sure that Jim’s idea of love was the same as everyone else’s. Plus, it was hard to ignore the fact that they’d both been incredibly vulnerable, at rock bottom, when they’d met. Of course, they would gravitate toward each other and-
Damned psychology degree, he never should have taken it. It made him overanalyze things far too much.
“Earth to Bo-ones,” Jim sing-songed, and Leonard twitched. “There you are. Look, don’t sweat it. I’ll figure out a way to convince you. Just you wait. Leonard Horatio McCoy, I’ll make you fall in love with me.”
Leonard groaned. “Is that a threat?” he asked.
“Nope,” Jim grinned and winked at Leonard, making his heart squeeze uncomfortably in his chest. “It’s a promise.”
God help him, he was doomed.
~ * ~
It became a game. By now it had gotten to the point where Leonard couldn’t even be sure if Jim meant it anymore. Between exams and his second residency, and Jim’s only accelerated schedule and his habit of falling in and out of beds whenever the wind changed, the random confessions were getting less and less frequent – though thankfully their time spent together hadn’t suffered too much.
The past week, however, had been more taxing than most. It felt like Leonard hadn’t seen his bed for more than five minutes for the last seven days, he was fairly certainly he hadn’t actually seen Jim in all that time either.
It was starting to get weird. Leonard missed Jim’s presence. Not that they had to do everything together, but they usually at least passed each other once a day.
Now, however, by the time Leonard got home it was well past midnight, and all he wanted to do was pass out for the next fourteen hours straight – and he actually had a break in his schedule long enough to accomplish that task.
Jim wasn’t home, again, but Leonard ignored the slight pang that caused and settled for rolling himself up in his blankets and greeting blessed oblivion.
“Bones.”
Leonard stirred groggily, pulling his blanket up higher in an attempt to convince himself that he was dreaming.
“Bones. Hey, Bones. Are you awake?”
Flopping over on his other side, Leonard cracked one eye open to glare balefully at Jim. “I was,” he drawled out, his accent thick with exhaustion and annoyance.
“But you’re not now,” Jim said, far too pleased with himself.
A sweatshirt flew across the room and smacked Leonard in the face. “Dammit, Jim!” he snarled, pulling the fabric away from his face in order to shoot another unimpressed glare at his friend. “What the hell time is it?”
“Somewhere around 0300,” Jim answered, clearly distracted.
A pair of sweatpants followed the sweatshirt, though Leonard managed to snag them out of the air before they actually hit him in the face. “I’m going to kill you,” Leonard growled, dropping the clothes onto the floor and tugging his blankets up over his head. “I only went to bed three hours ago.”
Shortly, the blankets were tugged off his head, and Jim shoved the sweats at him again. “Come with me. I promise, it’ll be worth it.”
Normally Leonard would have said no. Normally Leonard would have told Jim just where he could shove it. But he was awake now, and Jim had that secret little pleased smile dancing around his lips, and he hadn’t actually seen Jim in a week and-
Leonard sighed and rolled out of bed to pull the clothes on. “This better be worth it,” he cautioned. “Or you’re going to find out just why it’s such a bad idea to fuck with a doctor. I know a thousand different ways to make you suffer, Jim.”
“Yeah yeah,” Jim chuckled, leaning on the door frame and watching with dancing eyes as Leonard struggled into the pants. “Hurry it up, old man.”
Grumbling under his breath, Leonard shoved his arms into the sweatshirt, and let Jim tug him wherever the hell it was that they just had to go at three in the fucking morning.
Jim led him up. Up to the very top of the dorm building.
One eyebrow slowly rose, and Leonard glanced questioningly at Jim.
“This way,” Jim urged.
At the edge of the roof was a small nest of blankets and pillows – that Jim had undoubtedly pilfered from somewhere because Leonard knew for a fact all their blankets and pillows were accounted for. “What’s this?” he asked as Jim tugged him forward, then proceeded to flop down into the nest.
“I want to show you something,” Jim said earnestly, and patted the spot next to him.
Well, he was here now, might as well humor Jim. “All right,” he muttered, and sat himself down next to Jim.
A soft smile blossomed on Jim’s face before he lay all the way down, head cushioned by both the ill-gotten pillows and his arms.
“What did you want to show me?” Leonard asked, torn between annoyance and curiosity.
“Lay down,” Jim answered simply.
There really wasn’t any choice but to comply.
Leonard lay back, pillowing his head on his arms like Jim, his gaze directed upward. “What’m I lookin’ at, Jim?” he asked in confusion.
“Just wait.”
Suddenly the lights all across campus went dark. The darkness rolled across the bay until all of San Francisco had disappeared.
“What in the hell did you do?” Leonard demanded, bolting upright.
“This wasn’t me. It’s scheduled,” Jim said, tugging at Leonard to lay down again. “It happens once a year, they rotate it so no one knows exactly when it’s going to be. They’ll be out for an hour, system reboot and check to make sure there’s no bugs.”
Leonard didn’t move.
“I swear, it wasn’t me. Come on, Bones. Just…just trust me, okay? Lay back down.”
Slowly, hesitantly, Leonard complied. He sunk back down onto his elbows, and then onto his back, his gaze still fixed on Jim.
“Look up,” Jim breathed softly.
Leonard did, and felt the breath rush out of his lungs. Stars. Millions of them. They twinkled in the inky black of the night sky, the band of the Milky Way cutting across the horizon. “I’ve never seen so many,” he admitted softly. There were too many lights in the city. Too many lights pretty much anywhere on the planet. But now, encompassed by darkness, looking up into the black that Leonard feared and Jim yearned for- Well, he could sort of understand it now.
At least a little.
“Lordy,” Leonard breathed out at last.
Jim shifted a little closer to Leonard. “They’re something, aren’t they?” he asked softly.
Leonard turned his head to look at Jim, but Jim wasn’t looking at him, he was completely captivated by the light of the stars above them.
“You know,” Jim continued softly. “I feel like I don’t know anything, nothing with certainty at least. I’m always jumping from one place to another, never sure where I’m going to land, or what’s going to happen to me when I get there. For awhile there, I was just waiting until the ground swallowed me up. But, well, whenever I look at the stars,” Jim smiled softly. “The sight of the stars makes me dream.”
Leonard was captivated. Truly captivated. He’d never seen Jim like this, but then again, maybe he had, he just hadn’t realized until now.
“Jim,” Leonard said softly, pulling Jim’s attention away from the sky and back down to Earth; to Leonard.
“Mmm?”
Leaning closer, Leonard smiled and brushed his lips over Jim’s. “I love you.”