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The skyline was beautiful from this vantage point.
Fili stood on the top of the building that he had found himself appearing on quite often since his death. He’d never thought to question it, just enjoyed the peace and the beauty of this location. How many times had he sat upon this roof and watched the stars appear as he tried to make sense out of how everything had changed.
There was no peace in his heart on this night.
“You’re angry.”
The voice belonged to the love of his soul and the reason he couldn’t find enjoyment of his surrounding scenery.
“I am so beyond merely being angry. I am fucking furious!” Fili clenched his fists at his sides. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. You don’t belong here. I didn’t want you here.”
Out of the corner of his eye he watched with a pang in his heart as his beloved flinched and hunched his shoulders as he attempted to withdraw into himself and become invisible. Belatedly, he realized that he had probably just fed into all of the bullshit Kili had been told by his outburst.
“I’m sorry.”
The faint whisper broke his heart and he shook his head as he pulled his brother and lover into his arms.
“Stop that, Kili. I’m not angry at you and you have done nothing wrong.” Fili carded his hand through Kili’s hair as he held him close. “I’m furious as fucking hell at them -- at our entire fucking family. They did this to you!”
“They didn’t hold the piece of glass against my arms, Fili,” Kili whispered gently. “I did that all on my own.”
He couldn’t stand it, he couldn’t deal with the fact that even now Kili tried to make excuses for what their family had driven him to. He refused to accept it or allow his beloved to brush off what they had caused. He would not allow them to be held blameless for extinguishing the spark that had been his Kili.
“They might as well have, love. It was their words and actions that drove you to doing such a thing.”
“I made --”
Fili shook his head and placed his fingers over Kili’s lips to stop the self-flagellation he knew was coming. “Kee,” the tone of his voice was both sad and commanding. “Don’t. Stop. I was there for a bit before you actually put the glass to your arms. I saw you. I heard what they said to you and how it broke you.”
“Fili… I’m sorry. I am so damn sorry. I never wanted to you to ever see something like… like what I did. I wanted you back, but not for you to see me at my worst.”
“Kili, love, stop,”Fili ordered softly. “I hate that you were in so much pain and hate that you were convinced that there was no other way for you. But, I was there and wouldn’t change it for anything-- unless that change meant you were alive and happy. I just wish you weren’t alone. I get why Dis and Thorin didn’t know what you were doing, but what about the rest of the family that talked such a good game about loving and supporting us? Why weren’t they looking after you? What about Gimli? Legolas and Tauriel? Or Ro and Dan? Where the hell were our best friends that night? Why were you drowning in alcohol in the darkness of the apartment without anyone there to talk you off the ledge?”
“It wouldn’t have worked for very long, Fee. Even if one of them had been there with me that night, it would have happened in another way. I was determined that it was going to be over. What happened with Mom and Uncle just sped it up.” The hateful, painfully cutting words from his mother and uncle for many days had finally just became too much for him to dismiss.
“Why were you alone, Kili?”
Kili sighed in defeat.
“Gimli knew there had been a fight. He got me home and I assured him that I would be fine after some sleep. He told me he was going to go have words with the family. I told him to leave it alone, but…” He shrugged. “Gimli.”
“So he didn’t abandon you to your pain, then?”
“Gimli would never. He trusted me when I told him that I would be alright. He might be feeling pretty guilty and a little betrayed right about now.”
Fili felt some of the anger he had been holding drain away. At least their beloved cousin hadn’t left Kili to his own devices with malice and apathy.
“And the others?” He demanded, because he was still angry about what happened to Kili.
“Ro and Dan were with their father because something happened with their sister. I don’t know what happened to Arwen, but she needed her brothers. Ro was going to talk to their father and tell him that they were planning on moving me into their place with them.” He shrugged. “Tari’s appendix ruptured the day before, so she was in the hospital. Legs stayed with her to keep her company because when it comes to hospitals, she’s as likely to check herself out as I always was.” Kili turned his head so that he could look into his brother’s face. “So you see, none of them abandoned me. We know very well that if Legolas had had any idea how badly I was doing he would have been a very annoying shadow on me.”
Fili had to nod in agreement. If their closest friends had known just how bad Kili’s pain was, they would have never left him to have a minute alone. He should have remembered that but he was so worked up and weighed down over what he had heard and seen in the apartment. He didn’t think he would ever be able to forget feeling Kili’s pain or seeing him end his own life.
The two of them were silent for several long moments and then Kili cleared his throat.
“Fili?”
“Yeah?”
“Is it true?”
Confused, Fili turned Kili around in his arms so that he could hold him tight and look into his face. “Is what true, Kili?”
“Did I really cause you to be ashamed of us? Were you really so disgusted and upset about the way I loved you that you were trying to kill one or both of us by turning into that car so you wouldn’t have to live with what I had pressured you into?”
Fili stared at him, feeling his jaw drop before he regained control of the opening and closing of his mouth.
“Kili…”
“Just tell me, Fee. I mean, yes, it’s going to hurt, but I would rather have the truth than always being in this state of whatever I am now and not knowing what’s real and what’s not.”
Fili tightened his arms about his brother, his love, and shook his head wildly.
“No, Kili, a thousand times no. I had no shame about the love we shared and I still don’t. And where did you get the idea that you pressured me into anything, little raven? As I recall, you did your best to run away from how you were feeling and hid away from me a lot. You threw yourself into illegal street races with that bike of yours just to have an excuse for your bruises and your melancholy.” Fili tamped down his anger and his hurt that Kili even thought he needed to ask such things. “Besides, I kissed you first, remember?”
“You did?”
Fili wanted to cry at how unsure Kili sounded. That his mother and uncle had worn him down like this…
“I did, Kee, and you tried to protect me. You tried to resist. In the end, there was no other way possible; not for us.” He sighed, running a hand through Kili’s hair. “Mama and Thorin were wrong to say the things that they did to you.”
Kili shrugged lightly again, trying to deflect everything that happened. “They were grieving.”
“No, don’t do that, Kee. They do not get a pass on the blame for what they did to you. They took everything from you -- including your faith in me. They broke you down, beloved, and I will never forgive them for that.” Fili pressed his forehead to his brother’s. “I loved you and still love you so much. Don’t ever doubt that. I know it's going to take some time to heal your soul, but frankly, we have nothing but time, now.”
“So, I’m not being condemned to some kind of hell realm for taking my own life. It is known as the cowardly way out to so many.”
“There is no such thing, here, Kee. Our Creator brought you to me and I promise you upon everything that I am and ever have been that no one will take you away from me. We won’t be parted again. Ever.”
The spark of hope that flared briefly in his Kili’s eyes caused a pain in Fili’s chest. Their mother and uncle had done so much damage to Kili’s heart and soul in such a brief amount of time. He knew that it would take some doing for the pain to fade, but it would.
“Never?”
There was such longing in that simple word, that Fili couldn’t help but respond to it.
He pulled his brother closer to him and placed a hand beneath his chin so that he could tilt his head into the perfect position to place his lips over Kili’s. He kept the kiss gentle, carefully holding onto him and waiting to see how Kili was going to react.
After a few moments, a sobbing sound burst from Kili’s chest even as he ran his fingers through Fili’s hair. He pressed against his brother and opened his mouth beneath Fili’s.
To Fili, it was like finally coming home.
He ran his hands along Kili’s body, pulling him as tightly to him as he could and let his tongue delve into Kili’s mouth. He had missed this. He had missed this so damn much. Having Kili in his arms, kissing him and holding his body immobile against him as they let the primal bond between them take over.
When he tightened his arms and lifted and Kili wrapped his legs around his waist, Fili knew that everything would be all right. Kili would heal and together they would explore this new existence of theirs.
However, plans for their future would have to wait as Fili was determined to show Kili that his fears were unfounded and they still belonged to each other.
Their joining was messy and lacked any kind of finesse, but neither man cared about that. When Fili finally thrust into Kili’s body, he allowed his own sobs to break free. Their kisses were frantic, all teeth and tongue and tasting and battling. If they could have found a way to crawl into each other's skin, they would have. Fili thrust deep and Kili arched up against him to take him even deeper into him.
Later, there was gentle kissing and soft petting as their hands wandered along familiar paths. Fili lay on his back, holding Kili as his brother’s head rested on his chest. He was content to lay there and hold his brother, just watching the dawn painting the sky in hues of color.
“I need to tell you that I did something, Fili,” Kili murmured as he ran his hand lightly along Fili’s chest. “I’m hoping you won’t be angry, but I don’t know what you will think about it.”
Fili hummed in his chest, not letting go of his beloved; his Kili. “Talk to me love. I won’t be angry with you. Not now after everything.”
“You know how when we came into our inheritances and you made me your beneficiary in case anything happened to you?”
“Yes, and I remember how you fought me on it so hard.”
“I didn’t like the thought of anything happening to you.”
“I know, but I was determined that it would all go to you and you would never have to worry ever again. I thought you could freely engage in your music or art if you wanted to and no one could stop you because they wouldn’t be able to have any leverage over you if anything happened to me. You would be free to follow your dreams with our group.”
“After I was released from the hospital, Gloin and Dain spent a few days at the apartment with me getting all of your affairs in order. Balin ran interference between us and Mom because I guess they thought she and Thorin would try take everything from me because if what happened to you.”
“The codicil in grandfather’s will would never have allowed that. Thror was very clear in that what he left for us was for us and we had the freedom to do what we wished with our inheritance.”
“I miss grandfather so much, sometimes. He was the first one that embraced us and still loved us when we told him about our changed relationship.”
“I know, Kee. He stood by us and sat us down to explain using historical documents and stories how our bond was not something to be ashamed of. He supported us when we were sure no one else would.” He’d have to take Kili to see Thror once his brother had adapted to this afterlife a little bit more. “He would be so infuriated by Thorin and mom’s behavior.”
“Anyway, Gloin and Dain made sure that everything was transferred to my control -- including your percentage of shares in Erebor Incorporated.”
“Yeah, Thror gave us both twenty-six percent control of the company. He knew that we would probably never do anything with it, but he wanted us to have the income just in case.”
“A few days before my death, I contacted Dain again.” His hand on Fili’s chest stuttered with his nerves.
“What did you do, love?” Fili wasn’t really bothered since anything Kili had done before his death meant nothing here. However, his brother was worried about his reaction which made him more curious than anything.
“I made Gimli my beneficiary.”
Fili’s hand on Kili’s back stilled for a moment and he opened his eyes to find his brother looking at him with a hint of fear in his eyes.
“You made Gimli the beneficiary of our combined inheritance.”
“Yes.”
“Including our shares in the family business.”
“Yes.”
Fili grinned and then laughed out loud. “That means Gimli now has controlling interest of Erebor. Good. Serves them all right. Gimli backed by his father, Dain and Balin will be good for the company. Plus, he has a vindictive streak so will mess with them over what was done to you. I like that, Kee. Karma pure and simple.”
“So you’re not upset about it?”
“No. I’m very glad you made sure that our stuff wouldn’t go back to mom and uncle. They have no right to it.” Fili rolled, flipping Kili over onto his back while he leaned over him, looking down into those warm brown eyes he loved so much. “I’m happy to show you just how glad I am.”
Fili leaned down to kiss Kili and everything around them faded until it was just FiliandKili.