Work Text:
My name is not my name. Agents of vague yet menacing government agencies are issued their names via random selection from ancient Aztec lists of the sacrificed. They say they do this because it is the most efficient way and not because tattooing the names on us binds us to ancient powers and lets them eat our souls when we die, providing them enough energy to prevent the world from ending at the conclusion of 52-year cycles.
My appearance is not my appearance. The shadowy government agencies only hire agents who fit narrow physical parameters, determined by supercomputers in an underground vault at an undisclosed location. For males like myself, the requirements are: 6'6" tall, dark hair kept neatly trimmed, shoulder-width 22", and good cheekbones. Good cheekbones are vital for wearing sunglasses properly. Some people believe nose shape is more important. They are wrong.
The rumors we are merely clones of an original agent, made in batches of twelve at a secret government laboratory hidden deep in the desert with a view of a lake on the right-hand side are completely false. Who suggested this to you? What is their first name? What is their last name? Middle name? Initial only will be fine. Do they have any loved ones who would notice if they disappeared for a few days?
My appearance is currently a short, plump woman with frazzled, shoulder length hair; dishwater blonde. My partner of 5 years, a tall leggy brunette with special distinction in sniper rifles and martial arts, is undercover as my 9 yr old son. We have been assigned here to Night Vale for an undisclosed amount of time to investigate undisclosed occurrences of great national security import.
This is a very important assignment, we have been informed, for reasons they would not tell us but assured us were of vital import to our nation's safety. If we meet all our undisclosed performance objectives, we may even get a promotion!
I must wrap-up now. The sheriff's secret police have invited us to a "Welcome to Night Vale" community mixer and attendance is mandatory.
I will write more tomorrow, assuming I survive the mysterious glowing lights hovering in the night sky above our house.