Chapter Text
It turned out that rebuilding a house and store didn’t take that long when there were plenty of people to help. Not that it had been easy, but it was done.
In the end, they’d recreated Sakamoto’s almost exactly as it had been before, though they’d updated the kitchen. They were planning to add a small kitchen downstairs so that Lu could make meat buns without going upstairs, but that hadn’t been completed yet.
It was strange, being back in his room above Sakamoto’s store. Not just because he was aware this was just a recreation of the room he’d been living in, but also because there had been so many points when he didn’t think he’d manage to get back. Even if the room was missing many of the personal touches it once had, he was thankful to be back.
After being gone for so long, Shin was glad to be back. He was especially glad Hana and Aoi were safe. When the fighting ended and they all came back together, he’d felt like he was finally able to breath again seeing both of them safe.
Sakamoto had gotten the first hug from Hana, of course, but to Shin’s surprise, he’d gotten the second one. Then Aoi had smiled at him and said ‘welcome home’ like it was the most natural thing in the world. The store had only just been put back together and everyone was back to acting like before everything had spiraled so out of control. It was what Shin wanted. It was great.
He didn’t feel great.
They’d all been crashing either at Heisuke or Lu’s places recently, which had been a little rough for Shin because his nightmares had come back full force. Even when he slept with a light on, that didn’t always chase the nightmares away. Worse, now his nightmares had variety, so he couldn’t even predict what memory would be spun into a painful reminder of his mistakes. He never knew whose faces would be swapped or what outcomes would be made more horrible.
But there was no reason for him to not be okay. They’d won, whatever that meant. There was no more bounty on Sakamoto’s head, no more assassins coming to kill them. Akira was safe. Japan hadn’t fallen into some sort of violent anarchy. Everything was, more of less, okay. Lu and Heisuke were okay and Seba and Mafuyu were okay and Amane and his grandfather were okay and the Sakamoto family was okay. It was all okay.
He wasn’t okay.
He wouldn’t let that get to him. Couldn’t let that get to him. He’d been not okay for a long time and he’d never let it stop him.
That was why even though he felt frozen, standing still in front of his dresser, he knew he needed to move. He needed to get dressed and go down to the store and he needed to do it now or else Aoi would worry he was sick and Lu would tease him for being late.
He finally made his body start moving again to search for something to wear. Not wanting to think much about it, he settled on his usual attire of baggy pants, a tank top, and a jacket.
“Oh, Shin-kun,” Aoi greeted when he left his room. She was at the table with Hana and Sakamoto, all of them enjoying a simple breakfast. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” he responded.
“Come eat breakfast,” she said with a smile but he waved her off.
“I’m going to be late so I’ll go straight down.”
“You shouldn’t skip meals, Shin-kun,” Aoi reminded him.
He plastered on his best fake smile, heading towards the front door.
“I’m not really hungry, anyways,” he told her. “I’ll make sure to have a good lunch.”
“Alright, if you say so.” He could practically hear the frown in her voice. “Tell Lu-chan that if she wants to come upstairs to make more pork buns, the kitchen should be free in an hour.”
“Will do.”
He shut the door and headed down the stairs, glad to see Lu hadn’t made it to the store before he could. He really didn’t need to listen to her teasing.
For her part, Lu wasn’t late either, coming in just before the store was supposed to open. Shin was finishing up putting out the fresh foods when she arrived.
“Good Morning, Shin,” Lu greeted, heading to the back to grab her apron.
“Morning,” he responded. “You’re on time today.”
“Will you ever lay off me?” She whined. “I’m not always late.”
“When you stop being ate half the time, I’ll lay off you,” he told her.
Everything about their conversation was usual. There was nothing strange about their barbs and teasing, but when he got back to the register, Lu had an odd look on her face.
“What?”
“Are you feeling alright?” She asked and Shin realized the look was one of concern.
“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Then did I do something to upset you?”
“Lu, what are you talking about?”
“You… You sounded really annoyed with me,” she told him. “If I did something, you can tell me.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Had he done a bad job regulating his tone? “I was just teasing. I know how long it takes you to get here.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I was just teasing,” he repeated. “Speaking of your commute, though, have you considered moving closer? Your commute is nearly 2 hours, isn’t it?”
“I means, it’s not too bad, really.”
“My old commute was shorter and I got sick of it pretty quickly.”
“It’s fine,” Lu said. “I like living in Chinatown. I think of you all as my family, but my place back there… It’s the last place I lived with my parents and I’m not ready to give that up.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Shin murmured. He wasn’t in any position to disagree with her. “I’m not saying you need to get rid of it or anything. But you should still consider moving closer. I’m sure Aoi-san and Sakamoto-san would be happy to let you live with them at least for a little. Now that things have quieted down it’s probably time for me to find my own place, so my room will be empty.”
“Time to find your own place? Why?”
“Now that Sakamoto-san isn’t in danger, there’s not much of a point of me staying with them.” That seemed pretty reasonable to Shin. And it would be better for him to leave on his own accord rather than wait to overstay his welcome. “They probably want their extra room back. What if they want to have another kid?”
“Shin, you are their other kid.”
Shin laughed, probably too loudly, shaking his head at that thought. Lu had said a lot of crazy things, but that was probably the craziest.
“I mean it, Shin. If I’m part of the family, then of course you are too.”
“Lu, quit joking,” he said.
“I’m not joking. I don’t joke about family.”
“Lu… I’m not their family. There’s a difference between being part of their household and being their family” He grabbed a broom, looking for an escape. “I’ll sweep up outside.”
“Shin, don’t run away. The Boss cares about you just as much as he does about Hana-chan.”
“Lu.” He paused at the front doors. “Sakamoto-san left me once before. I’m not part of the family.”
He was still busying himself by pretending to sweep when Heisuke came by to start his ‘shift.’ They’d had to cut back on deliveries while the store was still under constructions, but once it had opened again, he gladly came by everyday to work. It wasn’t like there were really any other jobs for him to do that would make use of his skill as a sniper, so it was probably a good job for him.
“Morning, Shin,” Heisuke greeted, Piisuke giving his own greeting at the same time. “We got many orders?”
“I’m not sure,” Shin admitted. “I’ve been outside since we opened.”
“What’re you doing out here?”
“Umm… sweeping,” he said, even though it wouldn’t take a genius to tell that there wasn’t much that he could sweeping. It was fall, but there weren’t exactly enough trees around to drop much foliage.
“Did you two fight again?”
“You say that like we fight a lot.”
“You two definitely fight a lot.”
“That’s not true.” Shin went back to his useless sweeping. “And we didn’t fight. It was, at most, a difference of opinions.”
“Sounds like a fight.”
“It wasn’t a fight,” Shin huffed. “Quit interrogating me and go get started on your deliveries.”
Heisuke looked like he wanted to argue, but, in the end, he just did as he was told, leaving Shin alone outside to continue pretending to work.
“Shin-kun,” Hana sang as she ran into the store with Aoi following close behind her. It seemed too early for her to be back from preschool, but a glance at his watch proved it was already late afternoon. “I’m home!”
“Welcome home,” he greeted with a smile. “You too, Aoi-san.”
“Thank you, Shin-kun,” Aoi said. “Is Lu-chan upstairs?”
“Yeah, she ended up starting the pork buns late.” Probably because he hadn’t wanted to go back into the store and she hadn’t wanted to go outside. “Heisuke just left a little while ago. Our deliveries were full again today.”
“That’s great,” Aoi said.
“I think we can increase the number of deliveries now that the store is officially back open.”
“Alright, I’ll talk to Taro-san about it. I’m sure he’ll be fine with it if Hei-chan wants to.”
“Shin-kun, Shin-kun.” Hana was bouncing excitedly in front of the counter, obviously having exhausted her patience with their boring conversation. “Mama said you can bake.”
“Huh? Yeah, I guess so, why?”
“Well, Papa’s birthday is tomorrow and I want to bake Papa a cake. Can you help?”
Hana was looking at him with expectant eyes, but Shin’s words were caught in his throat. Was it really Sakamoto’s birthday tomorrow? He knew he’d lost track of the date recently, but he didn’t realize it had gotten so late into November.
The longer Shin stayed quiet, the more Hana’s smile started to drop and so he forced himself to return her smile.
“I’m not sure if I’ll really be much more help than your mom, but I’d love to help.”
“Yay,” Hana cheered, smiling at Aoi. “I knew he’d help!”
“What do you say?”
“Thank you, Shin-kun,” she said with a huge smile that slightly soothed Shin’s rising anxiety.
“Now, Hana, why don’t you go upstairs? I’m going to stay here to help Shin-kun for a little.”
“Okay,” Hana said, though she seemed a little disappointed. “Bye-bye.”
Once Hana was gone, Shin turned to look at Aoi with confusion. Was he not supposed to agree to help Hana?
“Aoi-san, is something wrong?" Had he done something wrong? "You’re not supposed to be working today.”
“I know, but you look exhausted,” she told him. “I know you wouldn’t listen to me if I told you to go upstairs to rest, so I can at least help a little down here.”
He glanced at the front windows, but they didn’t give a clear enough reflection for him to check if what Aoi said was true or not. He knew he felt tired, but he didn’t realize it was showing. Since become an adult he’d gotten much better at hiding it when he was tired even if that occasionally meant he had to use makeup.
“Do I really look that tired?”
“Have you not been sleeping well?” She asked. “Recently when I’ve gotten up to use the bathroom, I’ve seen that your lights were still on. When I told Taro-san, he seemed worried.”
And yet he hadn’t said a word to Shin.
“I’m just a night owl, you know that,” Shin said with a laugh. “If the light bothers you—”
“Shin-kun, you know that’s not what I mean. And if you like staying up late, you don’t need to keep taking open shifts. You can do afternoon and evening shifts instead.”
“It’s not a problem, Aoi-san. I just sometimes lose track of time when I’m reading manga or playing video games. I’ll be more careful.”
Aoi knew how to deal with Shin, he knew that, so he expected her to drop it. She knew that Shin was avoiding talking about this and so, surely, she’d drop it.
“Shin-kun, do you know that you’re a terrible liar?”
Shin opened his mouth, but no words came out.
“You’re really similar to Taro-san,” She told him. “You’re an honest person, just like him. Taro-san isn’t always able to understand his own feelings, but you have a pretty good grasp of your feelings.”
“I don’t know what you mean, Aoi-san.”
“What I mean is that you’re lying because something is wrong and I know you’re just pretending to not know what’s wrong.”
Shin didn’t say anything, just staring at her. His mind felt like it was racing and blank at the same time. Like so much was happening that it was all just white noise.
“What I’m trying to ask is, why are you lying about this? You know the family rules.”
Shin felt sick.
“I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. I just want you to tell me the truth. I’m worried about you.”
“It’s not— I’m not—”
He felt out of breath, like he’d just run a race. And maybe that made sense because wasn’t he always running? Running from the lab. Running towards Ando. Running after Sakamoto. Running away from Sakamoto.
“Shin-kun, talk to me.”
“Why don’t you ask your husband?” He asked, his words harsher than he meant them to be. Even as he heard the venom in his words, he wasn’t able to stop himself from continuing. “He acts like he knows so much about me, so I’m sure he could tell you.”
What was he doing? Why was he yelling at Aoi? She hadn’t done anything but be kind to him.
He was a stupid piece of shit.
“Shin-kun…” Did they fight? I’ve never heard Shin-kun raise his voice like that.
He shouldn’t be listening to her thoughts. He didn’t want to be listening to her thoughts. But it was the only way he knew how to interact with people.
Creepy Idiot.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, pulling off his apron and setting it on the counter. “Aoi-san, I’m sorry but…” He took a shaky breath, his eyes on the floor. “Thank you for everything, but I don’t belong here. I’ve overstayed my welcome and I’m sorry.”
“Shin-kun, what are you talking about?”
“Tell Hana-chan I’m sorry I can’t help her with the cake.” Useless bastard. “I probably wouldn’t have been much help, anyways.”
“Shin-kun, where are you going?”
He had to go. He needed to get out of here. He couldn’t stay anymore.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, slipping past her and out onto the quiet street.
He didn’t need to think about where he was going for him to end up back at his apartment. There was nowhere else for him to go at this point. Even if he’d paused to think about where to go, he would’ve ended up back here because it was his safety net. That was why he hadn’t sold it when he moved in with the Sakamotos. As for why he bought it in the first place, that was because he was a stupid, sentimental idiot. He was an idiot who was still holding onto the first place where he’d felt at home since he was six.
It was pretty much the same as it had always been, though since moving in with the Sakamoto’s, he’d taken down a lot of the decorations and moved them to their place. All of which were gone now, but he honestly didn’t mind. Afterall, he didn’t think he could even stay here anymore.
First, he went to his room and pulled a cardboard box out from under his bed. Inside were a handful of things he didn’t want to bring with him to the Sakamoto’s but that he didn’t have the heart to get rid of. Things that, in the end, were the only things to survive.
The gun Sakamoto bought him for his birthday. An envelope with his name written on the front. The file on Ando that he’d taken from the Lab. The jacket that had once been his favorite thing of Sakamoto’s to borrow.
He pulled out the jacket and put it on. It still fit—he hadn’t grown much since he was 15 and, besides, it had always been big on him—but it was showing it’s age. The sleeves were worn at the cuffs, a messy line of stitches on the right cuff showing where he’d attempted to repair it himself. The bottom of the jacket was similarly worn, a small hole near the hem showing where he’d been stabbed once while wearing it.
Shin sighed, sitting with his back against his bed and his eyes closed.
This was the life he’d wanted. His whole life he’d wanted a family who would love him unconditionally. He wanted a warm bed and good food and kind people. He wanted to belong.
But he wasn’t made for it. No matter what Sakamoto said, he just wasn’t made for this life.
Maybe he’d had a chance at it when he was six. Maybe he’d had a chance at it when he was 13. But at this point? He didn’t think he could go back to how he could have been.
The people of the lab seemed to have come around on him, but that was only after he saved them. If he had returned without being able to help them, he’d bet they wouldn’t have been nearly as welcoming. He would’ve just been a creepy idiot instead of a useful ally.
He had no idea how to feel about his dad even though it had nearly been a decade. He’d done the right thing in the end, but Shin was pretty certain that without Sakamoto’s intervention, Ando would’ve killed him. Hadn’t Shin just ended up being a useful tool to ease his own guilt?
Sakamoto had saved him in more ways that one and innumerable times. And he’d kept Shin around for two years before he left him. Before Shin stopped being useful.
It was only a matter of time before the same would happen again. Now that his fighting and ESP were of little use, how long would it be until Sakamoto realized how useless Shin really was? How long before Sakamoto got fed up with him not being good enough of an employee? Before he wanted to live his life? Before he wanted to move on with his real family?
Hugging his legs to his chest, Shin buried his face in his knees. He pressed his eyes into his kneecaps to stop himself from crying, though he wasn’t sure how well that would actually work.
Since the store had been destroyed, most of Shin’s stuff was gone, but he’d replaced most of his clothes and all of those were back at the Sakamotos'. Could he get his clothes back without anyone noticing him? Shin was confident he could sneak past Aoi and Hana, but he wasn’t so certain about Sakamoto. He could probably find a time when Sakamoto wasn’t in the apartment to sneak in though. He could wait for Sakamoto to take Hana to school, on a day when Aoi was working in the store, when Lu wasn’t around. He could gather all his things and then go… Somewhere. Maybe he’d try going south. He always hated the cold, anyways.
His plans were cut off by the sound of the front door opening sending a shock of adrenaline through his body. Who could be here? Was he being robbed? Why hadn’t he heard anyone’s thoughts?
Shin grabbed his gun from the box, quickly loading it and heading to the door. He took a deep breath then opened the door, pointing the gun at the front door, but nobody was there. There was a moment of confusion, but then he turned and saw the intruder was sitting at the dinning room table.
“Shin, put the gun down.”
“Sa— Sakamoto-san?” Shin asked, his hands dropping to his sides. “How—? Why—?” He shook his head, wondering if he’d finally lost it. “Did you break in again?”
“You never changed the locks.” Sakamoto held up a key. “You probably should’ve changed the locks.”
“Like that would’ve stopped you,” Shin grumbled. “Why are you here?”
“You scared Aoi pretty badly.” Of course he was here at Aoi’s behest. If Shin had left in the middle of the night, leaving behind a letter, Sakamoto wouldn’t have come. He would’ve said that that was enough to know he was doing well and didn’t need to be checked on. “And she was already worried about you.”
“I’m sorry for scaring her,” Shin said, not able to look at Sakamoto anymore. He half hoped that if he looked away that Sakamoto would disappear. “But I… It’s better this way.”
“Lu said you were acting strangely this morning.”
“She was imagining it.”
“Aoi was worried you weren’t sleeping. You’re sleeping with the lights on again, aren’t you?”
“I already told her, I’m just a night owl.” Why was he interrogating Shin? What right did he have? “How’d you even find me? Where’d you put a tracker this time?”
“I didn’t need a tracker. I knew where you’d go.”
“Well aren’t you a genius,” he said, regretting it immediately. “I’m sorry, ignore that, that was rude.”
“Shin you aren’t okay.”
He hated the way Sakamoto never showed much reaction to things. It had pissed Shin off at 13 and it pissed him off now. How could he say shit like that without his expression changing at all?
“Shut up!” He looked at Sakamoto, torn between wanting to beg for Sakamoto not to leave and wanting to make Sakamoto disappear. “What right do you have to say that?”
He thought he wanted to make Sakamoto react to him, but when he looked up, Sakamoto looked shocked by Shin’s outburst and, apparently, that wasn’t what Shin wanted. Seeing the look of shock on Sakamoto’s face just made him feel worse.
He wanted to tear his hair out. Wanted to scratch at his skin until he bled. He wanted to find a bar where he could get drunk and start a fight. He wanted to be anywhere but here, talking to Sakamoto.
“Shin, why don’t you sit down?” He hated it when Sakamoto spoke. He only did that when he wanted to be gentle because he thought something was wrong with Shin. He never did it to be genuine. He never did to connect with Shin. He only did it because he was treating Shin like a wounded animal.
“Why should I?” He needed to get out of here. Needed to leave. Needed to run away. He wasn’t going to be left alone again.
“Shin, I know you—”
“You don’t know shit about me.” He didn’t want to yell at Sakamoto, not really. He wanted Sakamoto to like him. He didn’t want Sakamoto to think he was ungrateful.
But a the same time, he wanted nothing more than for Sakamoto to understand why he was so sad and angry and scared.
“You can say you know me all you want, but it’s not true. You knew me for three years. You didn’t know I grew up in a lab or how I got my ESP. You don’t know about what Ando told me even though you were on the same damn ship.”
“I didn’t want to pressure you to talk about things before you were ready.”
“You never asked! Even when we lived together, you kept me at a distance because I was just a tool. And I got it. I get it. But don’t act like you care.”
He must’ve looked like an idiot, saying he understood. Shin was holding the gun Sakamoto gave him as a gift, wearing the jacket Sakamoto had given him, in the apartment where he and Sakamoto used to live.
“You say you know me. You put my birthday on your calendar and act worried when I sleep with the lights on.” Shin gave up trying to stop himself from crying, tears running down his cheeks. “You said that you know I’m a good person, that that’s what you like about me. But if that were true—”
You wouldn’t have abandoned me.
He couldn’t say it aloud, the words getting stuck in his throat and making him want to vomit.
“It’s better this way,” he managed after a few shallow breaths. “Everyone gets tired of me eventually. It’s better if I leave now before I overstay my welcome.”
“Shin, we all want you to stay. Come back to the store so we can all talk about this. Lu and Aoi are worried. Hana was really upset when Aoi came back alone.” Sakamoto was basically pleading with Shin, but he couldn’t believe it. Wouldn’t believe it. Not again. “Shin, come home.”
“No.” He let go of his gun and it clattered loudly to floor. He grabbed fistfuls of his pants, using the fabric to stop his nails from digging into his palms. “I’m done with this life. I was never made for this life. I— I’m gonna go.”
Shin turned, retreating back to his room as he wiped away his tears. He found his old athletic bag—he hadn’t brought it with him to the Sakamotos' out of fear of reminding Sakamoto of how pathetic he was—and started filling it with the handful of things left in the apartment.
He picked up the letter from Sakamoto and after a moment, threw it over his shoulder. He wouldn’t need that anymore. He hadn’t even needed it in the first place, but despite the contents, it had been the last time he and Sakamoto had any communication, so he hadn’t been able to get rid of it.
“Shin.”
Sakamoto was standing behind him, his silent mind deafening. But Shin wouldn’t look at him. He wouldn’t be tricked again.
“Shin?”
This call was less insistent. Sadder. Almost a question.
“Shin…”
“What?” Shin turned and saw that Sakamoto was holding the letter, looking on the verge of tears as he stared at the slightly crumbled envelope. “Give that back.”
Shin stood, ready to grab the letter as if that would do anything. Sakamoto had already seen, already seen all the stupid things he’d kept. He already knew how desperately Shin had been holding onto the threads of their short time together.
“Shin.” Sakamoto’s hands were shaking ever so slightly. “I’m sorry.”
“Why would you be sorry?” Shin asked, snatching the letter from Sakamoto and throwing it back into the box.
“I… I failed you.”
Shin stopped, barely even able to breathe. Sakamoto was standing in front of him, his shoulders drooping and his head down.
“And I keep failing you.”
“You didn’t fail me,” Shin responded quietly, his voice cracking. “You never promised me anything, so how could you fail me?”
“You were insistent on finding Ando, but I could’ve done more to keep you out of that fight. But I didn’t. I shouldn’t have let you become an assassin like me. But I did. I’m sorry.”
Shin laughed bitterly. Of course that was what he was sorry about. He probably wished Shin had died before he had the misfortune of crossing Shin’s path.
“Well I’m sorry for always being such a pain in the ass,” he said before backtracking. Why did he always make everything worse? “Shit. Why am I— This is exactly why nobody wants me around.”
“Shin, that’s not true.”
“Really? Then why am I always alone?” He shouted. “I made living in the lab awful. I shot my fucking dad and when I met you again I tried to shoot you too. Why would anyone want me around?”
“Shin, I can’t apologize for leaving my life as an assassin.”
“For fuck’s sake, I’m not asking you to apologize for that!” Shin squeezed his eyes closed, trying not to start crying again. “You left without saying anything .”
“I’m sorry,” Sakamoto said. “I should’ve— I shouldn’t have left without telling you where I was going. I should’ve talked to you.”
Shin wanted this to end, but at this point he was trapped. If he couldn’t escape, maybe he could finally learn what was so wrong with him that Sakamoto had to leave. Maybe then he could fix himself.
“Why did you leave?” His question was quiet, his voice fragile.
“I fell in love.”
“Why did you leave me?” He amended, louder. Angrier.
“Shin, you told me you liked being an assassin. At that point, I wasn’t convinced killing was wrong, but I knew that Aoi cared about me stopping. I was willing to give up that life for her, but I couldn’t ask you to do that. I couldn’t ask you to give up everything for a stranger.”
Shin was crying again and he hated the hitch in his voice as he shouted at the person who he cared about most in the world.
“You were the only one I had. The scientists hated me. Asakura wanted to fix me. My dad was dead. I never learned anything about my mom. You were the only person I had in the entire world and you just fucking left. You said you were done and you left.” Shin took a gasping breath. “It wouldn’t have been for a stranger! It would’ve been for you!”
Shin crouched down, planting his face into his knees and grabbing his hair hard enough for it to hurt. He knew it shouldn't, but the pain felt good. It felt right. He needed the pain to ground him. Otherwise he thought he might go insane.
“I get it, okay?” Shin said quietly enough that he wasn’t sure whether or not Sakamoto would be able to hear him. “Aoi-san is incredible. Why wouldn’t you choose her? And then Hana-chan was born and who wouldn’t have chosen her? I get it. They’re amazing and kind and meaningful. I was a tool and what use did you have for a tool in your new, normal life? And I always knew that I was tool and I knew how you treated your tools. I knew that.”
Shin could feel Sakamoto get closer to him, but he couldn’t decide if him to go or stay, so Shin didn’t move. Hands found his, forcing him to let go of his hair. They helped detangle his fingers and as they did, he lost his balance and fell to his knees.
The hands reached out and pulled him into a hug and only then did he open his eyes, his vision blurry because of the tears still in his eyes.
Sakamoto was on his knees as well, holding Shin in a tight hug. The tears he’d only just barely managed to stop came again and he was crying harder than he could ever remembering crying. He hands were clinging to Sakamoto and all he could feel was the fabric of Sakamoto’s shirt and one of Sakamoto’s hands rubbing his back. All he could hear was his own sobs and he couldn’t see anything because of the tears.
Actually he could hear one other thing, but that was only in his mind.
I’m sorry, Shin. I’m so, so sorry. Over and over, he heard Sakamoto’s apologies, though he didn’t think the thoughts were actually meant for him. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
By the time Shin finally stopped crying, it was dark outside. Sakamoto helped Shin to sit on his bed and then left the room, flipping on the lights as he did. He returned not long after with a cup of water, handing it to Shin and watching him drink.
“I’m sorry, Sakamoto-san,” Shin said quietly, looking at the cup so that he didn’t need to see Sakamoto’s expression. “I said things I shouldn’t have.”
“Shin, look at me.”
Shin looked up despite wanting to never look Sakamoto in the eyes again and was met with a serious look from Sakamoto.
“You don’t need to apologize.” You don’t need to apologize. You did nothing wrong. “You did nothing wrong.”
“But—”
“I was the adult. I made the mistake.” I made the mistake. There’s so much I should’ve done differently. I shouldn’t have assumed you would be okay. “I shouldn’t have assumed you would be okay. I shouldn’t have assumed that you would even know how to be okay.
“I think I was afraid. I was making a life changing decision. It was something I’d never even considered. My entire life was spent in the world of the JAA so after two decades, I was afraid that no matter how much I loved Aoi, I was making a mistake. I was afraid that if I brought you with me, I’d be making a mistake for both of us.
“But that’s not an excuse. You were a child.” You were a child. But I think that scared me even more. I’d failed one of my best friends already. I didn’t want to fail a kid. “I didn’t want to fail a kid. I didn’t want to get you hurt.”
Sakamoto sat down next to Shin, his hands in his lap.
“It’s not an excuse,” he repeated. “But it hadn’t been that long since Akao died and I didn’t want to get close to another assassin.”
Sakamoto was quiet for a moment before he murmured the same words again.
“It’s not an excuse.”
It wasn’t an excuse, but Sakamoto was right. Shin had been a kid, but Sakamoto had barely been an adult himself. And from what Shin understood, Sakamoto had even less of a childhood than he did.
Aoi was right. They were pretty similar.
“I know you said not to apologize, but… I’m still sorry.” Shin spoke quietly, trying to figure out how to put his feelings into words. “I’ve always known you do better when people tell you things straight, but I never did that. I was afraid that if I asked you why you were helping me or why you were getting more distant or why you left that your answers would… I was afraid of your answers.”
“Shin, I understand if I’ve done too much for you to forgive, but can you at least come back for Aoi and Hana? For Lu and Heisuke? They all want you to come back. You belong there. You’re part of our family. You’re part of my family.”
“Sakamoto-san… We should probably talk more, but… I want to forgive you. And I want to go back.” He felt a small smiled creep onto his lips. “I want to go home.”
When they returned to the Sakamoto’s, everyone was there waiting. Even Hesiuke was there—it seemed that Lu had called him in case they needed to search for Shin—waiting impatiently for Sakamoto to either bring Shin home or give them orders to find him.
Lu was the first to burst into tears when they returned, shouting at Shin half-heartedly before hugging him while he laughed despite everything. Heisuke had similarly burst into tears, as Shin would’ve expected from him, and Piisuke flew over to nip at Shin’s ear.
Seeing the other two crying, Hana also teared up as she threw herself at Shin, hugging him tightly. She was talking, but it was unintelligible through her tears. Luckily for Shin, he could understand it pretty well based on just her thoughts. Mostly she was just saying that she was happy he came back.
Aoi gave Shin and Sakamoto a sharp look that made them both shrink before she sighed and smiled.
“Welcome home,” she said, pulling Shin into a hug.
“I’m home,” he responded, returning the hug and realizing just how warm hugs could be.
They were all exhausted, so one-by-one, they all headed to bed early.
Despite being tired, though, Shin couldn’t fall asleep because there was still something he wanted to do.
Some time long after everyone else was asleep, he heard thoughts from the other room. It was what he’d hoped for as he lay awake in bed.
“Sakamoto-san,” he said quietly, joining Sakamoto at the kitchen table.
“Shin,” he responded. “Are you having trouble sleeping?”
“A little, but it’ll be fine.” He glanced at the clock and saw it was past midnight. “Sakamoto-san.”
He pulled a small package from his pocket. It was wrapped in pretty paper that had long since lost it’s crisp edges. It’s once pristine surface was wrinkled and there was a tiny tear Shin hadn’t bothered to fix. He managed to get most of the dust off of it, but there was still a little left in the creases.
Shin slid the box towards Sakamoto, smiling at him. He didn’t need a good luck charm to hold onto Sakamoto. He didn’t need to keep holding onto the wish he’d made when he bought the bracelet.
“Happy birthday.”
“You bought me a present?”
“It’s nothing special,” he said. “Open it.”
Sakamoto nodded and pulled the paper off carefully. He pulled out the simple, silver bracelet Shin had bought so long ago and looked at it with wonder. He put it on and Shin almost laughed because it fit him so well that he didn’t know if it would’ve fit him when Shin bought it.
“Thank you, Shin. I love it.”
Shin hadn’t been okay for a long time. He’d been better or worse throughout that time, but he didn’t think he’d been okay since he was six.
He’d been hurt, but maybe he could heal. He had nightmares, but maybe they would pass. He’d had promises broken, but maybe he could learn to trust again. He’d been afraid of rejection, but maybe he learn not to be afraid. He’d been left behind, but maybe he’d found a place to belong.
Shin wasn’t okay. He didn’t know how long it would take to be okay.
Shin let out a long breath, one that it felt like he’d been holding since he was 13. He’d found a connection. He’d found somewhere to understand him. He’d found people who understood him.
“I’m glad,” Shin said, smiling.
He thought that, maybe, he’d be okay.