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Sadly, Apollo’s plan to stall for hours until Klavier got bored and left was thwarted by the fact that he was able to pack up much faster than he would’ve liked. He didn’t have very much stuff after all- just his anime figurines, his 80 ounce tub of hair gel, all his favourite manga, his pokemon card collection from when he was twelve and every single one of his hoodies, even the dark blue one from the space centre gift shop that totally belonged to him and no one else no matter how many times his sweet, generous roommate Clay asked for it back.
Anyways, none of that was important (at least not to Apollo >:p ). Heaving a dramatic groan, he collapsed down onto the floor. Unlike most Wattpad protagonists, Apollo didn’t have any soft carpet or plush rugs to lay down on, so he had to settle for laying back on the uncomfortable hardwood that was uneven and bumpy from water damage and staring up at ugly popcorn ceiling that also had water damage. Barely five seconds pass by and he thinks he might have already doomed himself to permanent back pain. Klavier probably didn’t have to deal with any of this in his penthouse. He probably had sleek hardwood floors made of mahogany and a king bed stuffed with finest synthetic down feathers for him to swoon down on top in intense moments of introspection. He definitely didn’t have any water damage. Honestly it sounded kindof nice…
Wait. No. No no no, he was NOT thinking that staying with Klavier Gavin for god knows how long would be in any way shape or form, a good time. No way. He refused. Well okay, technically he accepted like five minutes ago and kind, sweet Clay would absolutely kick his ass if he backed out now but he specifically refused to enjoy himself whatsoever. He was determined to hate every single second he was forced to stay with that glimmering fairy tale prince because even the slightest bit of happiness would prove that Clay was right and Apollo is enough of a stubborn bastard that he’d rather be miserable than admit that. Even if everyone knows that Clay is right like pretty much all the time. Damn it, why did his best friend have to be so good looking and smart?!
Just as Apollo began to lament how tragic his life was, to be surrounded by so many hot people, he heard a soft scratching sound coming from right next to his head. Apollo turned to look in the direction of the sound and came face to face with a pair of eyes, glowing in the dark space underneath his bed. Now most people would be completely freaked out by this and that would be their god given right. This is the kind of freaky shit that you’d see in a horror movie, the kind that makes you scream and run for the hills and you’d be correct to do that because you are only human and you have basic survival instincts. Apollo, however, is a fucking freak of nature and thus in reponse to this legitimately terrifying sight, he cooed, reaching out to pull the hellspawn himself out from under the bed.
The hellspawn, otherwise known as Mikeko the bastard gremlin who has possessed the body of some poor innocent cat, meowed softly and gently licked Apollo’s cheek. Since Mikeko was also a freak of nature, he and Apollo got along like two peas in a pod. They were pretty much inseparable.
Apollo sighed softly and gently scratched the top of Mikeko’s head. “Oh Mikkie, we’re really in it now. What am I supposed to do? This is gonna be torture . I mean, Klavier Gavin is some cool dazzling rockstar and I’m a law nerd who likes playing video games and reading the funnies in the newspaper. We’re totally incompatible! After all, only a total loser would have no idea who Naruto and Sasuke are.”
Mikeko purred and nuzzled his admittedly cute furry little head into the crook of Apollo’s neck because he is a cat and cannot respond. Apollo nodded in agreement. “Yeah, exactly Mik, you get it. It seemed like a good idea at the time! Free rent money did sound totally awesome but now I’m starting to have regrets. Ugh, I wish there was some way for me to get out of this.” He grumbled.
Mikeko, being a cat, did not actually care for such things. Instead his attention was zeroed in on Apollo’s hair spikes. His tail swished back and forth and his pupils widened to the size of dinner plates before his widdle paws shot out to swipe at them. Apollo yelped in surprise and ducked away just in the nick of time before laughing softly.
“Awww, Mikkie, do you like my hair?” Realistically, no. If we’re being entirely honest, Mikeko probably thought Apollo’s hair was a couple of birds or a bunny or something and that's why he was attacking it. But Apollo probably needs the win at this point, so sure, yeah, the cat thought he looked very handsome. “Oh, I’m so glad you like it, sweetie. You’re the only one who’s nice to me around here. My precious little baby, I love you so much.” He cooed, pressing kisses to the top of his head and rubbing their cheeks together. Then all of a sudden he froze and sat up hurriedly.
“Wait, that’s it! Mikkie you’re a genius!!” Apollo gasped in delight, holding Mikeko aloft in the air like a true king of the Pride Lands. Mikeko was not at all pleased. How is he supposed to destroy his prey in these conditions?! He meowed loudly in complaint, but for once, Apollo paid him no mind. Keeping his beloved little demon cradled close to his chest, he stood up and ran back out, armed with a new plan that was absolutely guaranteed to work and had a complete impossible zero percent chance of backfiring.
Now while Apollo had been busy having his crisis in the bedroom, Klavier and Clay had settled down in the living room. Clay, ever the charmer and a truly wonderful host, decided to keep Klavier company. It didn’t take long before the two of them discovered their shared love of Blue Badger & Friends™.
“Ach, Clay, I’m so happy to hear that you stan the Blue Badger,” Klavier giggled softly, twirling a strand of his shoulder length platinum blonde hair around his finger. The 22 year old lead singer of a world famous international rock band looked like he was having the time of his life.
“Of course I do! I even have the Space Badger t-shirt, he’s my favourite one out of all of them,” Clay said eagerly, because he has good taste.
“One day I am going to burn that shirt.” Apollo huffed because he has the worst taste and also no regard for personal property. Thankfully, Klavier Gavin, god amongst men, is willing to overlook such incurable character flaws.
“Ah, Apollo! There you are, have you finished packing up?” Klavier asked, giving a small smile that did funny things to Apollo’s stomach. Good god, just being around Klavier was already starting to make him sick.
He shook his head. “Actually, no. I’m sorry Klavier, it turns out I actually can’t date you.”
Clay narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Apollo tried his best not to make direct eye contact with him, like a coward, instead focusing on how Klavier frowned in disappointment.
“Ach, really? May I ask why?” Apollo nodded, straightening up and giving the two men on the couch an incredibly grave look.
“I have a girlfriend.”
Clay immediately groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Apollo, you can’t be serious!”
“I am!” Apollo argued, glaring at Clay. “I’m being totally serious! What Mikkie and I have is special! To cheat on her would be spitting in the face of that!”
“It’s just a cat!”
“How dare you?! Mikeko is more than just a cat!! It’s true love-”
“Excuse me,” Klavier spoke up suddenly, the poor man looking very confused. “But what is going on?”
Clay sighed loudly. “Mikeko is ‘Pollo’s cat. Who is also his girlfriend.” He explained, pointing to the fiend who was currently curled up in Apollo’s arms, tail slowly swishing back and forth as he eyed Klavier’s big shiny necklace with a devious little look in his eyes.
“You are...dating your cat?”
“No. We’re not dating, he’s just my girlfriend.” Apollo corrected very helpfully.
“...Ah. I see,” said Klavier, who did not see whatsoever but was also far too nice to say anything about it. He furrowed his eyebrows as he contemplated this new development before he spoke again. “ ...Apollo. I told you before, I would never force you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. And I am not cruel either, if you and Clay are truly in need of the money then I will be happy to give it to you, even if you do not fulfill your end of the deal."
Apollo perked up. The plan was working!! "Great! Glad to hear it. In that case, I think we're all done here, I'm sure Clay can show you out. Hate to see you go, love to watch you leave and all that jazz, seeya-"
"Ach, Apollo, wait!" Klavier cut him off hurriedly, laughing a bit. "Slow down, I haven't finished yet."
Apollo blinked in surprise before his hair spikes drooped, as if they were sentient beings who wanted to help their host body convey it's disappointment. "You're not?"
"Of course not, I would never toss you to the curb just like that," Klavier said, lips pursed into a very indignant little frown, as if he was personally offended that Apollo thought so little of him. Apollo wanted to argue that it was actually him kicking Klavier to the curb, but the bedazzled man continued before he could. "There must be something we can do to work things out! We have a world of options available to us. Like perhaps polyamory?"
Apollo stared at him. "What."
"Polyamory." Klavier repeated, straightening up and giving Apollo a very serious look. "In the simplest terms, polyamorous people have multiple loving and intimate relationships at the same time. They require consent and communication and a great deal of effort but it’s not so different from our previous plans, ja? I would always put in whatever effort is necessary to make you happy, Apollo.”
“I-I know what polyamory is!” Apollo sputtered, face feeling uncomfortably hot all of a sudden. Was he starting to get a fever? Klavier’s words were definitely making him feel some sort of sick and he did not like where this was going one bit. “Just get to the point, Klavier, why are you bringing this up?”
“Because, if your loyalty to your beloved kitty is the only cause for your reservation, then who’s to say that you cannot be with both of us? I know I am an extremely famous and extravagant celebrity with thousands of admirers to my name but who’s to say I cannot share the spotlight? I have no issue with this sort of arrangement as long as you and Fraulein Kätzchen are okay with it as well.” Klavier explained, reaching up to run his fingers through his bangs and wink playfully.
“I- you...this is ridiculous!” Apollo stammered out incredulously. How did they even get here?! What happened to his beautiful plan?! He could almost feel smoke start to come out of his ears as his brain began to bluescreen. “There’s no way we’re doing that! Even if I did agree, there’s no way my Mikkie would want to- What The Fuck?!”
Apollo watched in horror as Klavier Gavin held out a finger towards Mikeko, his expression far too calm for someone who was pretty much sacrificing one of his precious guitar playing limbs to the hellbeast itself. Mikeko’s ears perked to attention at the offering and he leaned forward to sniff at it curiously.
Then, to everyone's surprise, Mikeko mewled softly and rubbed his head against Klavier’s finger. Not even a single hint of claws or a threatening flash of teeth. Klavier cooed softly and began to pet Mikeko properly once it was clear he was accepting the touch. "He's so sweet! Ach, I can see why you love him so much, Apollo. He really is like a perfect little Gesichtspunkt."
"Gesundheit. Also yeah, What The Fuck." Clay repeated, though unlike Apollo, his voice was filled with awe and pure admiration. He didn't even dare blink as he witnessed the scene unfold in front of him. "Dude, how are you doing that?! I can barely convince Mik to not bite me on a good day!"
"Achtung, I'm Klavier Gavin, baby! Friend to all animals! We share a unique, unbreakable bond." Klavier bragged, flashing the kind of bright smile that you'd think you would only ever see in toothpaste commercials. The air practically sparkled around him. "It appears that Fraulein Kätzchen has judged the pureness of my heart and deemed me worthy. I am eternally grateful. Apollo, may I hold her? Pretty please?"
Klavier batted his long eyelashes and brought out the puppy eyes that may have killed a lesser man, but Apollo was too busy questioning his life choices to really notice. He tried his best not to feel utterly betrayed as he handed off Mikeko and watched him curl up in Klavier’s arms like they were a second home. Traitor.
“Oh, hello sweet little princess~ You’re so soft and warm! Achtung, I just know you and I are going to be the best of friends, aren’t we? I’ll make sure you get all the best kitty treats and only the finest blankets.” Klavier gushed, gently scratching under Mikeko’s chin. Mikeko closed his eyes in pure bliss and began to purr like a jet engine, clearly approving of the royal treatment he was finally receiving from these peasants. Klavier’s expression was positively ecstatic as he looked back up to Apollo. “So? What do you think, Apollo? Now that we have your girlfriend’s blessing, do you think we can begin our own relationship?”
Hell no, Apollo’s brain thought. Even if watching Klavier Gavin be so kind and loving towards Mikeko made his heart pound and his chest warm and butterflies flutter around in his stomach, these weird feelings were all the more reason not to get himself involved in this entire mess. And scratch that, there weren’t any butterflies in his stomach, they were probably like pigeons or something. No good could come from pigeons.
“Hell yeah,” Apollo’s big dumb mouth said anyways without his permission because there is no god in this universe* and apparently he wants himself to suffer. “I can’t wait, this is gonna be awesome.”
Before he could even try to take back the words, Clay whooped loudly and pumped his fist into the air before leaning over to high five Klavier, who looked equally pleased. It was a pretty damn good high five too, the kind that can only be shared between two true bros. Even Apollo knew there was nothing more powerful than a bromantic high five. He had no choice but to resign himself to his fate.
Godamn pigeons.