Chapter Text
Shouta refills his mug with his third cup of coffee in the past hour. To be fair, it's entirely his own fault, since he accidentally purchased half-caffeinated coffee the last time he went grocery shopping. But to also be fair, Shouta has no idea why they bother making half-caf coffee in the first place.
Shouta heaves a sigh and sits down at his desk, hoping against hope that at least the coffee will have a placebo effect and convince his brain that it is actually very much awake and not operating on about an hour of sleep. On the bright side, all he has left to grade are his class' cat reports.
Shouta feels his mouth twitch into a smile. When Shouta announced that they could keep the cat, the class had erupted into wild, overjoyed cheers. Even Shouta can't help but remember the moment fondly. Of course, he had followed that up by also announcing they'd have a ten-page assignment to go along with it, and the ambient excitement had come to a screeching halt. Shouta can't help but remember that moment even more fondly.
Now, as he looks over the twenty reports laid out in front of him (typed, single-spaced, twelve-point font and one-inch margins, yes Kaminari I do measure and no you won't get away with it), it's time to make good on his end of the deal. And if Shouta is simply too tired to grade these papers to his usual exactingly strict standards, or if he had secretly planned this as an opportunity for some of the lower-ranked students to boost their grades at the end of the term — well, the class doesn't need to know that.
Shouta picks up his pen and takes the first essay on the top of the pile. It's Tokoyami's, which means the research will be thorough and the prose will be florid but unimpeachable, even if it has a tendency to veer into unnecessarily lengthy asides. Well, no way out but through, Shouta thinks, looking to the title.
The report is titled, "A Treatise on Wards and Protections Against Felis Catus and Other Creatures of the Night."
Shouta blinks at it. He rubs his eyes. The title remains the same. Shouta makes the executive decision to put that one in the bottom of the pile.
Todoroki's is next, thankfully. His writing is crisp and Shouta has never been more grateful that he does not share Tokoyami's proclivity for entire paragraphs of off-topic discourse. In fact, Shouta could probably use the matter-of-fact tone and dry prose right about now. Shouta looks to the title.
Todoroki's paper is titled, "How to Live With the Cat That Wants to Kill You: A Field Guide."
Shouta changes his mind and puts that one in the bottom of the pile. He starts rifling through the papers, shamelessly searching for Yaoyorozu's. While verbose at times, her papers are always well-researched, well-structured, and well-thought-out. Reading them is as easy as taking a hot knife through butter, and Shouta has never breathed a sigh of relief faster than when he spots hers in the stack of papers.
Yaoyorozu's paper is titled, "Like Coins Before A Cat: A Macroeconomic Case Study on the Impact of Cat Adoption on the Footwear Industry."
Shouta has never been more betrayed by a piece of paper. Except he instantly is, because upon closer examination, the entire class has written their reports with titles like, "Your Housecat Is Almost Definitely A Murderer," and "Therapy Cats, But Where You're the One Giving the Cat Therapy," and "Cats Are A Conspiracy: No Definitive Proof Exists."
In his desperation, Shouta lands on the last paper in the pile — Bakugou's. Shouta dares to let himself hope. Despite his explosiveness, Bakugou's writing is the exact opposite. He makes his points clear, concise, and as sharp as a knife with minimal fanfare. It is that succinct nature of Bakugou's writing that Shouta is most looking forward to right now, because heavens above he needs it.
Bakugou's report is indeed succinct. It reads: "Badass Motherfucking Cat."
Shouta has never regretted buying half-caf more.
"I've read your cat reports and I have questions," Shouta announces to the common room at large, using the frosty tone reserved only for when his class has done something monumentally stupid and consequences are imminent.
The class collectively looks to him, questioning; then collectively looks back to each other, as if trying to determine only through pleading gazes and significant looks who will be volunteered as tribute. Through whatever godforsaken indecipherable methodology his class has developed, it is apparently determined that Sero draws the short straw, because without so much as even glancing at each other, Ojirou and Aoyama unceremoniously shove him to the front of the group and then vanish like Hagakure into the crowd.
Sero sends the rest of the class a look of supreme betrayal before he faces Shouta. "Er, Aizawa-sensei," he says, with a tentative clearing of his throat. "If this has to do with classwork, can't it wait until homeroom Monday?" he tries.
Shouta's eyebrow twitches at the meager attempt to delay the inevitable. "It really can't," Shouta drones. "I'm not quite sure what possessed all of you to think I was joking about taking your cat report assignment seriously, but I assure you, I am not amused."
The class goes back to conversing with each other telepathically; this time, Iida is the one to stand, but not before he gives a bow. "Aizawa-sensei, I believe I speak on behalf of the class when I say that we took this assignment with no more and no less seriousness than any other assignment. Is there a specific concern you have with our work?"
"My concern is that the assignment was to discuss cat care and behavior, in reference to your own personal experiences; and instead of doing so, I received twenty submissions of fanciful make-believe."
Several confused looks are shared. Yaoyorozu is next to speak. "Do you believe… we made up our experiences?"
"Yaoyorozu," Shouta says, because he at least expected better from her. "You wrote me an entire economics essay on footwear."
Yaoyorozu blinks. "Yes, in the context of cat behavior. As explained in my report, you'll find that sales of shoes are directly correlated. It is only fair to consider the long-term economic impacts throughout the industry."
"You expect me to believe," Shouta begins, "that a cat can affect a company's stock price."
"Yes, exactly," Yaoyorozu agrees, and is joined by a chorus of nodding heads and murmured agreements.
"It makes total sense," Sero adds.
"Little furry bro legit hates Crocs," Kirishima chimes in.
And since Kirishima has so graciously volunteered himself, Shouta puts him under the microscope next. "Kirishima, you wrote your entire report on why not to give cats knives."
"Uh, yeah?" Kirishima offers. "Wait, are you saying we should give cats knives?"
"No, this should go without saying, but please don't give cats knives," Shouta groans. "Why did you write your report on why not to give cats knives?"
"…Because you shouldn't give cats knives?"
Jirou hums. "He's got a point, Aizawa-sensei."
"And yet, that is still somehow better than Kaminari expecting me to believe that cats do not actually exist."
Kaminari crosses his arms. "Look, Aizawa-sensei, you get a solid picture of Murdercat on camera, then we'll talk."
Shouta pinches his brow. "Did you say Murdercat."
"Yup, that's his name," Uraraka says.
"Who would —" Shouta heaves a sigh and puts a palm to his head. "…Bakugou."
Iida raises his hand. "You are… not going to reduce points for that name, are you, Aizawa-sensei?"
"I can't dock points from zero," Shouta brutally informs them. "I allowed you all to keep the cat on the condition that you complete an assignment, and even then only because cats are in every way superior to dogs."
"Can I get an amen," Shinsou murmurs.
Shouta does a double-take. "Shinsou? What are you doing here?"
Shinsou shrugs. "Just hanging."
"In the 1-A Dorms?"
"They have a cat," Shinsou points out, which is a fair and reasonable explanation if Shouta has ever heard one.
But still. "Not anymore," Shouta says pointedly. The class erupts in protest. Shouta holds up a hand for silence. "Give me one good reason."
Twenty hands shoot up in the air. Kirishima doesn't even wait to be called on. "Because Murdercat saved me from a kidnapping!" he shouts.
Shouta will be honest: That was not an answer he had been expecting.
Kirishima stands, clearly ruffled, as the class murmurs its assent. "Yeah, Murdercat brought me a knife and everything."
"He brought you… a knife," Shouta parrots.
Jirou nods. "Yeah, Murdercat plays fetch. With knives. And Mineta's porn magazines."
"He's a feminist," Tsuyu agrees.
"And he helped Todoroki too!" Midoriya pipes up. "He came to get me when Todoroki's quirk acted up and made him hypothermic!"
Todoroki gives a slight incline of his head in acknowledgment. "More importantly, Murdercat is a security risk for anyone outside of the dorm. It would be very unwise to separate him from Bakugou."
"Todoroki speaks sooth," Tokoyami concurs.
Shouta stares blankly at his class, now weighing the relative merits of caffeine versus alcohol. "Why," is all he can manage.
Todoroki clears his throat. "Because Bakugou is —"
Midoriya hastily claps a hand over Todoroki's mouth. "Because Kacchan and Murdercat are close. That's all Todoroki is saying."
Kaminari leaps to his feet. "No way, you noticed it, too?" he blurts.
Midoriya blinks. "Er, I did?"
Kaminari is practically vibrating in excitement. "Murdercat never shows up in photos! It's just like Bakugou at the beginning of the year!"
The entire class stares at Kaminari in disbelief, with the exception of Todoroki, who instead stares at Kaminari as if he has just revealed the secrets of the universe to him.
Kaminari falters under the attention. "I'm not crazy!" he protests. "Mina, back me up!"
"It's true!" Ashido nods furiously. "We tried like hundreds of times, and then when Kaminari got one good photo, Murdercat instantly took out his phone."
Kirishima jumps up. "Wait, that's what happened? Why didn't you tell me? I would've talked with Bakugou about it!"
"What does that have to do with Kacchan?" Midoriya asks.
Kirishima rubs his head. "Well, remember how Murdercat kept destroying my Crocs? I asked Bakugou and Bakugou got Murdercat to stop."
Todoroki's eyes go even wider.
"Yaomomo," Shinsou eventually says. "That thing about visiting the dorms we talked about — was it Bakugou's idea?"
"…It was," Yaoyorozu confirms after a pause. "And Jirou, didn't you say Bakugou was the one to teach Murdercat to chase after Kirishima's Crocs?"
"Yup," Jirou agrees. "He's also the one who taught him to fetch knives."
"Bakugou picked out Murdercat's name," Uraraka adds. "And he's the one who makes Murdercat's food."
Iida frowns. "Do you suppose that incident with Kouda occurred because… Murdercat was using vulgar language?"
"You know," Sero begins, "Bakugou seems to pop up an awful lot whenever something's happening with Murdercat."
The class falls into considering silence. Todoroki looks ready to ascend to another plane of existence.
Midoriya breaks the quiet. "Ha ha ha. Okay, that's all very, uh, coincidental, but that's all it is," he insists, worrying his lip. He laughs another forced laugh. "There's not enough evidence to draw any conclusions other than that Kacchan likes Murdercat and vice-versa. I mean, Kacchan is the kind of person to mess with Todoroki but come through whenever there's real danger, just like Murdercat did. Or to make sure Murdercat knows Kirishima's scent in case he ever got into trouble, just like how Murdercat went chasing after Kirishima when he got kidnapped. Or how Kacchan hates having his picture taken, just like Murdercat."
Midoriya's eyes glaze with a faraway stare; his hand twitches, as though to reach for a pen. "No, it's not like Murdercat is acting in a very prickly roundabout way like Kacchan because if it were real then it means that Murdercat has been leaving his gifts for Kacchan's favorite people, and that means I'm one of Kacchan's favorite people, haha, imagine that, there's no way, even if Murdercat keeps barging into my room at night like Kacchan and forcing me to go to sleep like Kacchan and cuddling me to bed and —"
Midoriya's mumbling abruptly cuts off. His face flushes. "Oh my god IsleptwithKacchan."
The room is pindrop-silent. Shouta can say with confidence that alcohol is very firmly winning over caffeine right now.
"You know what, I'm not paid enough to deal with this," Shouta finally announces. "I'm going to bed. Figure this out," he says with a broad wave, "and don't break anything. We'll discuss your papers later," he decides, because this is very definitely a Monday problem. Or perhaps a never problem.
Todoroki's incredibly vindicated voice comes from behind him. "I told you all about Bakugou and Murdercat, and nobody believed me."
"Holy shit, you're right," Shinsou murmurs, eyes wide with realization. "Bakugou is a cat."
Todoroki frowns. "No, Shinsou, Bakugou is the witch —"
At 9 p.m. on a cool Friday evening, Katsuki is finishing up his math homework accompanied by the gentle glow of his desk lamp. Just outside, he can hear the soft who-who-who of owls in the night. Katsuki writes down the answer to the last of the problems, pushes his chair back from his desk, and rolls his shoulders in a stretch.
He smiles to himself. It is going to be a good weekend, he can tell. He has plans for a sparring session with Shitty Hair, and he is going to destroy his classmates at the next video game night. He even got his package of specially imported chili spices that max out on the Scoville scale, and just for fucking with him about their hero law exam, one of them is going to accidentally find its way into Song of Ice and Fire's next meal. Even the weather seems excited, with bright sunny days forecast for the entire weekend. He takes his time tucking his finished homework into his backpack and getting ready to hit the hay.
Scritch scritch scritch.
Katsuki barely bothers to glance at the sound. "Don't be an idiot, you know how to open a stupid door."
Several seconds later there is a whump, and then a click, and then a thump, and then a long, slow creak as Katsuki's door is nudged open. Katsuki turns in his chair.
"So whaddya got for me this time, Murdercat."
Murdercat walks inside as if he owns the place, a dead rat caught in his jaw. He thoughtfully deposits it at Katsuki's feet.
Katsuki lets out a low whistle. "That's a fucking big-ass rat." He jerks his head toward the corner. "Put it in the usual spot."
Murdercat huffs but picks up the rat in his teeth and wanders over to the tub in the corner labelled "DEAD FUCKERS". Katsuki finishes zipping up his backpack. "You didn't show Deku, right?"
Murdercat huffs, affronted, before unceremoniously dumping the rat in the bin.
"Thank fuck, I don't think I could take another damn one of those bullshit fuckfests."
Murdercat lays himself down on the floor and begins scratching at his head with his hind leg.
"Which fucking reminds me, Purple Pervert was up to his usual bullshit today. Think you can shred another one of his porno mags?"
Murdercat pauses mid-scratch to send Katsuki a flat look.
Katsuki glares back. "I ain't fucking buying you Crocs for that, giving that walking health code violation what's coming to him is its own goddamn reward."
The look persists.
"Fucking stubborn-ass cat," Katsuki grumbles under his breath. "Fine, troll Pikachu some more too and we'll call it a fucking deal."
Murdercat rumbles his agreement, then shakes himself and gets to his feet. He leaps onto Katsuki's desk. Katsuki threads a hand through his fur.
"And some asshats have been talking shit about Brain Drain's quirk this week —"
"Mrrrow?"
"— no, I'll fucking handle it, but he'll probably be coming over more, so head's up and shit," Katsuki says, moving on to scratch Murdercat's head. "And fucking Floaty's feeling homesick, so she'll probably be clingy as fuck."
"Mrrrow."
"Yeah, yeah, I fucking know. I already made your food, you just have to fucking let her feed you and cuddle and shit." Katsuki pats Murdercat one last time on the head. Murdercat blinks at him, then yawns and arches himself in a full-body stretch. Katsuki feels himself yawn and stretch his own arms in response.
Murdercat peels himself away from Katsuki and hops onto a stack of books, then to the top of his wardrobe. From there, he walks across the shelf inconspicuously placed right underneath Katuski's open air vent.
"You spending the night at Deku's? Good. Fucking idiot forgot to sleep again last night like the muttering moron he is," Katsuki grunts, flicking off the light switch and allowing the room to fall into darkness. From his desk, he hears a muffled tap as Murdercat crawls into the air vent. "And if you fuck with the Tokidoki bastard while you're at it, I'll throw in another Croc."
A gleam flashes in Murdercat's eyes — and then the cat vanishes into blackness. Katsuki watches the spot for a moment longer.
"Oi."
Flickers of green appear in the darkness.
Katsuki smirks. "Who's the world's greatest little death machine?"
"Mrrrow."
"Damn straight."