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Relationships and Culture In Locusta Astralis (A Field Study) by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
13 Mar 2025
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“So,” Jade says, marching on ahead with her list like a determined little artilleripper, tapping at her papers. “The…Dark Carnival.” She sounds it out every part one after the other, ‘fatal-funny cullpit of the messiahs’, like how a corpse dismembered and all laid out turns into pieces instead of a whole troll.
“Dark Carnival,” you say, putting the corpse back together to show her, fast and fluid how it’s supposed to flow.
“Dark Carnival,” Jade repeats after you, choking just a little on the shift of chirr into click. “Okay! Say me what does that mean?”
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A diplomatic voyage of xenosociological discovery and awkward flirting takes place in Karkat's shitty living room, heavily backdropped by only the finest of cross-species anatomy textbooks, shitty Alternian cocktails, and schlocky Alternian romance movies.Series
- Part 3 of Aliens Sure Are Weird
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When you've pictured hunting Gamzee down in this new world and kicking his scrawny ass, somehow you've always imagined it in some ill-gotten highblood megahive somewhere. That you'd find him living in squalorous luxury like any entitled highblood on Alternia, scheming and plotting.
The picture you got sent is of a flat gray beach, no hive in sight. Just a blurry figure with a mane of wild hair and curving horns, half-hidden behind a rock in front of an angry, stone-grey ocean. And now, all of a sudden, the word feral is back in your thinkpan and it won't come out.
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all my demons trapped behind a dam by SplickedyHat, SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Eyeshield 21
24 Jul 2024
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“What,” says Unsui, and is keenly, painfully aware that whatever stoic expression his face might have locked itself into in his shock, his cheeks are damningly warm. One part of his mind demands, do something, his plan is working, you’re losing! The other part says, your first kiss was a cackling bastard of a man, because he thought it would make you more likely to lose to him at football.
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Kongo Unsui gets kissed by a man. He's proud to say his performance as a quarterback doesn't suffer at all, in the...extensive aftermath.
Hiruma Youichi makes a move, and then does what he does best, which is scramble like a motherfucker and improvise an offense from scratch.
Anezaki Mamori analyzes the situation, and politely intervenes.
Kongo Agon has a goddamn crisis. -
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==> Gamzee: How the fuck did you end up in the Conciliatrium of His Triumphant Ascendance?
Motherfucker that is exactly what you headed out today to find out.
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(An imported Choose Your Own Adventure from my pale porn tumblr, compiled here for ease of browsing) -
Lost And Found (In Translation) by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
30 Aug 2023
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“Guys, hey, come on,” Jade says. “Troll language is much more specific about stuff like this, when he says stabbed he could mean something different! Karkat,” she switches to Alternian, bending her human vocal structures in painful-sounding ways but still doing a much better job than Dave, all things considered. “Stabbed, stabbed, or stabbed?”
You know you didn’t teach her the distinction between “poke hard with a non-strife-allocated object”, “stab lightly to show somebody not to fuck with you”, and “impale to kill”. Humans don’t even have that distinction. It’s a fucking miracle they get anything done.
“…Stabbed,” you say, carefully enunciating like a fucking liar.
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It's always awkward when the boyfriend meets the friend group; the boyfriend's boyfriend inviting himself along can only make it worse. Unless, of course, you're an amateur xenobiologist, sociologist, and linguist. Then it's just extra data!Series
- Part 2 of Aliens Sure Are Weird
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The Kindness of Collision by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
17 May 2023
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“Yeah, I’m still me,” Leo says. “This guy’s just in here too, now. Along for the ride.” His chest still feels kind of like it’s exploding; he breathes through that and straightens up, pretending to straighten his bandanna, scrubbing at his prickling eyes—Casey is kind enough to at least pretend he doesn’t notice.
“It’s just…you get to meet Raph, in this world,” Leo says, in an attempt to give even the most half-assed of explanations for why he’s such an absolutely embarrassing mess right now. “And Donnie, you lost Donnie too early, he loved you so much, kid. We all did.”--
One by one, in the timeline that ended the world, the Hamato family dies--and wakes up, somewhere kinder.
One by one, in a timeline that saved the world, the Hamato family wakes up and remembers exactly how much they could have lost. -
Domestic Diplomacy (And Other Minefields) by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
22 Nov 2022
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Karkat's moirail meets his matesprit. It goes alright. Nothing's exploding yet, anyway. Karkat just has to translate, and mediate, and fix Dave, and keep Gamzee in line, and not flip his shit. Fucking easy. It's all under control.
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Gamzee's moirail introduces him to his little alien flushcrush. It goes alright. Just the human's freaking out, and then Karkat's freaking out, and then when Gamzee goes to fix it it gets worse for some reason. It's not like the little squishy motherfuckers count as quadrants. So who knows what the big motherfucking deal is.
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Dave's boyfriend brings around his other boyfriend, and Dave has an educational experience on the subject of quadrants. It goes alright. Except the guy's a handsy dick who doesn't speak basically any English and wears clown makeup. And Karkat seems to be making some kind of romance power-move at him to prove a point. And Dave's dripping blood all over his favorite pair of sweatpants.Series
- Part 1 of Aliens Sure Are Weird
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Cultural Exchange by SplickedyHat, SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
30 Oct 2022
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"Okay," you say, and Gamzee swallows hard enough the fake, vestigial little flaps on the sides of his throat give a useless empty glub. "Paint me."
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Karkat knows just exactly the measure of how you like it, the fearful flayed tenderness of his starshine paleness on your bared and naked face, and he makes full and sinful use of that knowing. -
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“Override 0, stand by for orders.”
“What?” Mike was about to pull his staff--he stops instead, confused, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Behind him, Chuck goes perfectly still, frozen in mid-step, and then slowly eases back to a stand-still, waiting. “What the heck are you talking about?”
“Acknowledged,” Chuck says, quiet and flat and empty. “Standing by.” -
Welcome To The Kane Co. Family by SplickedyHat, SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Motorcity
23 Jun 2018
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There's a new CEO in Kane Co. tower, and the years-long war on Motorcity has ground to an uneasy halt. In her father's absence, Julie Kane works to hold her new position in the power vacuum he left behind. Far below, her boys have their own problems: a fast-growing new threat from an old enemy, and a mysterious epidemic creeping through the streets of Motorcity.
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- Part 2 of Officer Present//Director Absent
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Mike Chilton only came back to Motorcity a week ago, there to pick up the pieces left behind by the Genesis Pod, the echoes of a rallying cry still hanging in the air--"For Mike and Motorcity!" But now he's gone again, and without him the Burners' new challenges seem increasingly insurmountable; a new enemy--a second Red in Kane Co. colors, a war brewing between the Motorcity gangs, and one Burner secretly bearing unimaginable pressure from both sides of a double life. Something has to give.
Series
- Part 1 of Officer Present//Director Absent
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“You can’t make a pack out of just anybody,” says the other werewolf, and wrinkles up his nose at Chuck and Dutch. He doesn’t even bother to look at Texas or Julie. Mike’s smile falls.
“This isn’t just anybody,” he says. “They’re my Burners.”
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Julie wouldn’t remember what she shouted over top of the noise, months later, but it was something like, ALL OF US LIKE MIKE AND MOST OF US LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE TOO, I HAVE PROOF! I’M NOT LETTING US BE STUPID ABOUT THIS!
Something like that. Something that made everybody stop dead and stare at her, and then at each other, double-checking silently. You too?
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Or; "The Burners are great at being in love with each other, but so awful at keeping secrets the rumor mill throws a cog just trying to keep up." -
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“Yeah.” Chuck's voice shakes, despite him—he clears his throat and tries again, steady this time. “Yeah. It's been a couple years.” Two years, eleven months and three days. But who’s counting.
“You, uh…” Mike’s eyes flick up and down and then away again. "You look good."
Anybody looks good if last time you saw them they were covered in blood with pieces of your windshield in their face, Chuck almost says, and swallows the words back down.
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Two kids, emotional fallout and an unplanned reunion. -
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Request: Some form of holy/spiritual!Karkat♦️demonic!Gamzee.
He’s something wild and strange—his blood and his eyes are the color of the bacchanalian wine and filled with the same banked frenzy…but none of the joy. Well you’re supposed to be a free spirit of nature and your wings are useless, blood-colored abominations. Who are you to judge him for not being happy?
(spruced up a little as of 2022, beware of minor edits) -
put your hands together (and hope) by SpoonerizeSwiftness (SplickedyHat)
Fandoms: Homestuck
06 May 2015
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You don't like this mysterious Gamzee guy. You're pretty sure saying he "doesn't like" you would be the understatement of the sweep, whatever bullshit measurement of time a sweep is. But Karkat's sick, and nobody really asked what you two like or don't like.
Time to suck it up and stab somebody. Nicely.
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The empress sends you a pair of soft leather cuffs straight off your secret eFlay wishlist—but instead of just the dull rusty-red cuffs you’d grudgingly settled for these are perfect fiery candy-red, fit perfectly to your wrists and buckled in pure pitch-black. They look like sin in a neat package. When you open them you nearly pass out. When Gamzee looks over your shoulder quizzically without a single sound of warning and goes “What you got there, best friend?” you shriek and almost head-butt him in the nose.
Life after stepping down as the galaxy's most beloved pale porn star, or, "Celebrities Aren't Your Quadrants And Nobody 'Stole' Me From Any Of You, Stop Sending Hate Mail You Fucking Douchewaffles".
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You try to ignore the uncomfortable reality that part of the reason that you don’t try to force Gamzee to stop going out and sitting on the cliffs in terrible weather is that you’re a terrible pervert with a drenching kink and seeing your moirail soaked to the skin and shivering makes you feel all tingly and concerned inside. You are the worst piece of shit, it’s you.
(An exploration of pale kink. And an excuse to write pale Gamkar. Don't judge me.)
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He’s so light when you get your arms under him and lift him up. There’s no weight to him, just gangly little limbs and his chest rising and falling like a frightened small animal—tiny, shallow, pointless little gasps. You should. You should leave him, or cull him even, he’s not just sick he’s a runt and an idiot and way, way too nice even after you scream at him every time you talk to him…
“We’re going home,” you say again, and he makes a noise you trained yourself not to make five sweeps ago—a wrigglerish little whine, tired and grateful.
“…’kay bro,” he mumbles into your chest, and curls up as tight as he can against you, huddling up into your arms.
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The creature straightens up and settles in the sunlight, wrapping its long, glittering tail around itself in thick coils. The scales run up to its waist, where you can see hints of human skin against the smooth hide. It has a thin, cunning face, softened by a strangely mild smile that stretches its too-wide mouth, and its hair is in a wiry braid over its shoulder.
“Nnn,” you say, and point with a hand that shakes so badly you’re barely pointing at the creature at all. “—nuh. Nah. *Naga*—”