Chapter Text

A MagiParchment (also called "MagiPar" or "Parch" for short) is a special type of parchment that has been enchanted for the purpose of computation and communication. MagiParchment were developed between 2003 and 2005 by English witch Hermione Granger. Granger, who is also well-known for her social activism and for being a close friend of Harry Potter, stated that she wanted to develop MagiParchment because "witches and wizards (...) lacked the means to record and share large volumes of data (...) and to quickly relay short messages through a long distance". [1]

Any text written on MagiParchment can be saved inside the parchment and then made to reappear at a later moment, meaning that a virtually unlimited amount of information [2] can be recorded in a single roll of parchment. Most MagiParchments are equipped with a length of string or ribbon that can be attached to the parchment with wax. When the other end of the string is placed inside a fire to which Floo Powder has been added, the MagiParchment user becomes part of the parchment interweb and can communicate with all other webbed users.

Components and Functions

The main component of a MagiParchment is a square piece of parchment, usually varying between ten to twelve inches per side, though smaller portable models are also in circulation. The parchment conventionally has a large coloured border, which serves to tell it apart from "normal" or "old-fashioned" parchment, and which can be enchanted to display informations such as the current time or the phases of the moon while the MagiParchment is activated.

To activate the MagiParchment, the owner must point their wand at it and say the password. This prevents others from accessing the information inside the MagiParchment, although its makers caution that "if you decide that your password should be the full Puddlemere United anthem and then you can't remember the fifth verse, don't call us on a Sunday morning and expect us to come down to your house to help".

Notes:
[1] For the full 257-pages essay on why MagiParchments would be beneficial to the magical community worldwide, check "Enchanted Parchment for the Purpose of Communication and Computation: a brief analysis of costs and benefits (both short-term and long-term)" by Hermione Granger, February 2005.
[2] According to its developers, the newest version of MagiParchment can store the equivalent of three billion, six hundred and thirty-one million, two hundred forty thousand and seventeen rolls of parchment. For the technical details, see the Press Release for MagiParchment Version Six And A Half.

Ron: Hey!

Ron: Check this site! wittyshell.iguanajournal.com/whats-wrong-with-quills.html

Harry: I hope it's not work, I just got home and haven't even eaten yet.

Ron: Mate, it's 9pm.

Harry: I needed to write the briefs for tomorrow's inter-office meeting.

Harry: It's not as if the interwebs stop working outside of office hours.

Ron: You're turning into a complete workaholic.

Ron: And trust me, I know what I'm talking about given who I married.

Harry: So what's in that link?

Ron: It's not work. I promise it's hilarious.

CAUTION: The website you're viewing is not a .wiz domain and can be accessed by Muggles.
Make sure that everything you post on this website complies with Clause 96 of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy.
For more information, tap here.

What's wrong with quills?

In my continued efforts to gain more understanding of those baffling Muggle elecktronicks, yesterday I ventured into one of their so-called "computer stores". From what I understand, computers are the Muggle equivalents of parches, though I didn't see anything even remotely resembling parchment or paper. The salesman showed me several flat plastic boxes - I assume that the parchment is stored there for safekeeping, though it seems like a very cumbersome way of carrying it around. Trust those Muggles to always make everything more complicated than it needs to be.

I also saw a strange device called a "key board". Like its name implies, it's a board a couple of feet wide, full of rows of buttons with letters and numbers on it. According to the salesman, Muggles use it to write on their computers. I told him that I'd never used one of those things and that it looked very cumbersome compared to a simple quill. He seemed to understand, though for some reason he kept referring to my quill as a "stylus" and talking about "new generation" and "tablets". I do believe that the last wizard who used a stylus and tablet to write was Sumerian and lived four thousand years ago, but maybe Muggles still think it's some new and exciting technology. Who knows.

Once again, curiosity had the better of me and I let myself be talked into buying this key board. After a couple of hours of tinkering I managed to hook it to my parch and... Well, it works, and that's the most you can say about it.

tttthhhiis iis nme trryinnng to write opn thhe lklkwwk------------- key bboarrsd. it's diffficuilt bevcause tthere is no eway to erase a mistake, I asssume it takes muggkles al lot of practicve to learn how to hit the rihght keys alll the ti,me but to me it's just frustarting. theres's also no capital letters, maybe mugggles don't use them///

It took me half an hour to write that and I can't seem to figure out how to write a question mark. On some keys there are two different symbols, but when the key is pressed only one symbol comes out. I also want to know what's the purpose of the long dash since it's obviously not for striking out unwanted text. Maybe my key board is defective.

The biggest issue, as it might be clear to anyone with a brain, is that using this big unwieldy thing to tap a link is next to impossible. Instead of just placing the tip of the quill on the parch, I have to hammer at the parch with a big lump of plastic and hope that I hit the right link without smashing my fingers between the board and the desk.

I'm taking this thing back to the shop tomorrow, but right now I really need a cup of tea.

Posted by wittyshell on September 8th, 2009
Tagged as: WTF, Muggles get a clue already, the Muggle world leaves me perplexed, adventures in the outside world, computers, elecktronicks, key boards

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Ron: Are you still there?

Harry: Yeah, though I just snorted out a piece of sandwich.

Ron: Ew.

Harry: But that was pretty funny. Who's this guy?

Ron: Dunno, just someone who likes Muggle stuff.

Ron: He acts like he doesn't, but he's probably got a bigger collection than my dad.

Ron: You're not going to shut him down, aren't you?

Harry: No, it doesn't seem harmful.

Harry: The Muggles are treating him like some sort of comedy blogger.

Ron: Good, I hate it when you shut down my favourite blogs.

Harry: That happened only once! And posting videos on how to raise a manticore is in violation of much more than clause 96!

Ron: Hagrid was heartbroken, he loved those videos.