Archive of Our Own ^beta

John was bored.

Bored to tears. There was no other way to describe the way he felt. The planet was boring. The outpost was dead. The technology was useless. And yet he was stuck there for two full days. Two full days he could have spent … well, two days he could have spent doing more paperwork. So maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that they had gone on this mission.

With Teyla and Ronon building the camp and doing rounds, John was stuck keeping Rodney company. Rodney, who was happily crawling under consoles and plugging in his notebook, downloading data and just generally crowing over their useless find.

Of course, to Rodney, none of it was useless. Even the off-hand notes about farming would be interesting to some of the scientists back on Atlantis. It was wonderful how much these people throve on knowledge, how much they coveted it. Such a difference to the jaded outlook of John's peers.

John loved it.

"We can probably scavenge a lot of the materials we'll need to do the repairs and maintenance we've been putting off so long," Rodney was saying, his hands moving gently over a console, caressing it like it was a living thing. "Especially the crystals. Radek and I are trying to figure out how the Ancients manufactured them, but we've got no idea where to start."

It had taken John's ancestors centuries to develop the perfect crystal growth and while John didn't doubt Rodney's genius, he didn't think he or anyone on Atlantis would figure it out in their lifetimes. That thought saddened John and he considered giving Rodney a little hint. Or more than a hint. John knew he shouldn't help - even in the SGC it was mandatory to not push the natural evolution of a race ahead - but Rodney and all the other scientists deserved to know. They were so eager, were trying so hard and John itched to … reward that curiosity. Wanted to give them something they'd enjoy, something that would motivate them to keep going.

Thinking about it for a second, John decided he was outside the rules anyway; why not use that to his advantage? "Maybe they were grown," he said, making sure it sounded like he'd said the first thing that came to mind. Like it was something he'd said just for the sake of hearing himself talk. Unqualified drivel. And Rodney fell for it.

"Grown?" Rodney asked, frowning at John like he'd said something dirty.

John ignored Rodney's scandalized expression and shrugged, leaning against the wall behind him. It was hard not to laugh, but he tried to appear nonchalant as he nudged Rodney's thoughts into the right direction. "Yeah, you know, like in those 'grow your own crystals' kits. Water, the right kind of minerals and they just grow. I had one when I was a kid." Actually, he'd had a whole lab full of water baths, growing crystals for Atlantis. It had been a homework project, a rather enjoyable one at that.

A snort was his answer. "Yeah. Right. I can already see us all sitting around an aquarium, watching control crystals grow." Rodney's statement held far more sarcasm than John would have deemed necessary.

It was amusing. But John had no doubt what he'd said would stay with Rodney, would grow and culminate in one of Rodney's wonderful jumps of logic, where everything just started to fit together so perfectly. "Yeah well," John drawled and grinned, "that'd probably be too easy. It was a fun idea though." He pushed off the wall, his hands loosely resting on the P-90 that dangled from his tac vest and moved to lean against the console Rodney was currently feeling up.

"Don't touch anything," Rodney snapped, a little wild around the eyes, and shoved him away. "You've already been zapped by a fucking sculpture and you still can't manage to keep your ATA gene … body to yourself." The accusation was delivered in a worried huff and John felt touched by Rodney's concern.

Oh, what the hell. Why wait for Rodney to figure it out when telling him surely would put a big smile on his face? One of those John loved best. So why not give that to Rodney? John wanted to tell him, wanted to make Rodney smile like that. And it wasn't like it mattered much any more now, anyway. John had bent the rules already. All he had to do was dare. To go ahead and outright say it. "Actually, it'd be more like a vat." John purposefully ignored being shoved and leaned against the console again, enjoying the sigh it elicited. He wanted to give something to Rodney. Something precious. "A big vat. I had one like those, it was a homework project. Fun and useful. The perfect ones went to good use as well once the engineers …" he broke off there, on purpose, furrowing his brow in puzzlement while watching Rodney go bug-eyed, with purely inward glee.

"Engineers?" Rodney asked, in an awed tone of voice, then visibly tried to not get agitated over that piece of information. After a deep breath, he asked with forced calm, "Where were you at the time?"

John frowned at that. God, it was fun to be manipulative. It was great to be able to give them this, even if it was just a little bit. Everything helped. And John wanted nothing more than to have Atlantis fully functioning, working like she was supposed to. Rodney, Radek, Miko, Simpson … all the scientists were important for that. "Huh," he said, rubbing his chin, like he was deep in thought. "You know … I don't know … I think I was in one of the labs actually. Weird."

The sound Rodney made worried John a little. There were thousands of questions dancing in Rodney's eyes, but he didn't ask any of them. "Rodney?" John said, genuinely frowning now. "Did Sam order you not to ask me any questions?" Sam was the only one Rodney respected - and feared - enough to accept orders from, aside from John.

"She might have said something about not bothering you with annoying questions about your unwanted Ancient memories," Rodney muttered, his eyes on the console and his hands busy with the laptop he'd connected to the crystals.

For some reason that made John very angry. So very angry that Sam had dared to shackle Rodney like that. Yes, he had hated the questions, had been curt to the point of rudeness with Sam more often than not. And yes he had stopped every scientist who had approached him with a glare, but John had never done that to Rodney. He wouldn't have, because Rodney … Rodney was different. Rodney was John's friend, part of his family. "You can ask," John said gently, wishing Rodney hadn't fallen so quiet again, like a chastised child. "If I can, I'll answer." He didn't realize he really meant it until he said it out loud. For Rodney, he'd cross boundaries that were only wobbly in his current state of being anyway. And wasn't that an odd thought? Teyla and Ronon were family just as much, yet he wouldn't cross those same limits for them. Not like he would for Rodney.

"Really?" Rodney asked, looking at him again, his whole face aglow with happiness.

Funny, how that expression of Rodney's could make John feel like … like he was flying without an aircraft. "Really," he reinforced gently, trying not to show how unaccountably happy he was because he'd made Rodney smile like that.

"So what do you remember?" The console and the notebook were forgotten and Rodney looked at John like he was a fully charged ZPM.

John knew that look only too well. He'd gotten it before … when he'd sat in the chair in Antarctica, when he'd stepped through the 'gate and Atlantis had flared to life with every one of his steps. It made him feel wanted, made him feel precious. And warm. "Not much," he said evasively. John hadn't minded lying to Sam, but he found that he minded lying to Rodney. For a brief moment, he was tempted to take it back and tell Rodney everything. "It's like memories from way back, when I was a kid. Sometimes, when I see, hear or smell something I remember a little," John continued and the words felt like ash in his mouth.

"Huh." Rodney's eyes were sparkling with what John thought was both glee and excitement. "But you remembered the crystals."

"Yeah, I did." And Rodney … Rodney just smiled. John swallowed and pushed off the console, then started to pace around the room. He had to get away from Rodney and that smile, had to get some distance between them before he reached out and did something unforgivable. "So how are you doing on that data?" he asked, just to get Rodney back to work, to distract himself from the urge to grab Rodney's shoulders and pull him close. He let Rodney's voice wash over him, calming him. This can't be happening, not now, John thought, willing his body to obey his mind. He'd always enjoyed being with Rodney, had always basked in his honesty, his obvious generosity. There had been a pull to him before … Chaya. He was going to kill her. Slowly. Feed her energy to the bottomless pit of a black hole and watch as she was pulled apart by it for the rest of eternity. The bitch. She'd … she'd done something to him.

Casting his mind back to the pertinent memories John relived them in the space of a millisecond, recognizing the signs he hadn't spotted while he'd been human.

"That bitch," he hissed viciously. She'd manipulated him … containing his romantic feelings for anybody else in a little partition of his mind, focusing him entirely on her.

"What?" Rodney asked confused. "Who?"

John fought for control over his feelings and won - barely. "Nothing, I was just … reminded of something that happened back then. It's not important." Yes it was important. She'd played with his mind while he had been helpless. Knowing exactly what she was doing, she had tried to turn him from the path he'd chosen when he'd descended. He was going to kill her.

Oh God.

It all made so much sense all of a sudden. The way Chaya had hated Rodney on sight, the way Rodney had hated her on sight. The tug-of-war going on between the two with Rodney so hurt when John had … how was he ever going to fix that? How could he fix it? Not like he could start anything with Rodney now, not when John knew he was holding back so much information.

"You sure?" Rodney asked, sounding somewhat at a loss. For all his inability to navigate social interactions, he'd picked this time to get somewhat sensible to John's moods. Great. "It's just that you don't normally start cursing out of the blue."

With a lot of effort, John forced a smile and looked at Rodney. "Yeah, I'm sure. It's just intense sometimes. And the smell in here reminded me of something …" He hoped Rodney would leave it at that.

Thankfully, Rodney gave him only a skeptical glance before he turned back to the notebook and started typing at his usual furious rate.

Watching Rodney's hands move over the keys was like a revelation. John had been so preoccupied by his returning memories that he hadn't noticed how lonely he was. It had been three years since Chaya and he'd never even felt any sexual need. Not even a longing for touch. And he'd never denied himself a friendly touch before. He hadn't thought it had been abnormal at all either.

For a moment everything turned black in front of John's eyes as intense rage washed over him. She'd played with him. She'd done unspeakable things to him. She'd interfered with an important mission. Had jeopardized everything he'd been working for. Just because she wanted him. Because he'd always ignored her instead of doing something about her. That stopped now. Chaya would never get another chance to hurt him. Never.

She wouldn't get another shot at hurting Rodney either, he swore fiercely. His eyes were drawn to Rodney's hands again, wishing they weren't running over the console but over John's body instead. No. No no no no. He wasn't doing this. With a frown he closed his eyes, thinking of snowstorms. Wraith. Iratus bugs. Then he took a deep breath and went to look over Rodney's shoulder at the display of the notebook. Maybe the data would take his mind off the whole thing.

There was nothing new for him there, just some babbling about farming. John sighed; he had been right, this was so boring. Suddenly he became aware of how close to Rodney he was … close enough to smell him, close enough to feel the heat radiating from him. It was exhilarating and he wanted more. Wanted to bend down that little bit more and lick the exposed skin of Rodney's neck, wanted to bite the same spot and kiss it better and…

"For the love of … Colonel, could you please stop hovering? I can't work with you looking over my shoulder like that," Rodney snapped, his voice startling John out of whatever haze he'd been in.

Jerking back John muttered 'sorry' and went to the farthest wall, leaning against it, struggling to get the shaking of his hands under control. "I'll just stay over here then," he called out to Rodney. He couldn't believe he'd lost it like that. What's wrong with me? he wondered. Yes, he'd always felt a strong attraction between them, but he'd never been so close to doing something stupid like that. He'd nearly acted on an impulse and he didn't understand why. He'd never acted on an impulse. Not as John and certainly not back when he was Tural.

"Yeah, yeah," Rodney said, waving one hand at him dismissively, "you do that."

John had always held himself apart from the people around him - just that little bit. It was typical for his people, this aloofness and it had never felt wrong or forced, but with Chaya's interference he felt positively starved for touch. For contact. Skin on skin. With a start he realized he hadn't even touched anyone apart from pulling them to safety in the last three years. Unless he'd been ambushed, or from sheer relief and adrenaline. Teer, Mara, Larrin. Three years. Three people. He ached to be touched.

By Rodney.

The next two days suddenly seemed longer than he had previously thought they'd be. A lot longer.

Balling his hand into a tight fist, John could feel energy tingling along his skin. Uh oh. Not good. Even back in his time as Tural, his powers had been influenced by his emotions, and in a mostly human body it now seemed to be even worse. That and Chaya's manipulations were causing problems. Serious problems.

Problems he wouldn't have if she hadn't bound his emotions, suppressing them. Now that they were all back with a rush, John had a hard time reigning them in. This was all such a mess.

On top of keeping his urge in check to just touch and caress, kiss and lick every available inch of Rodney's skin, John would now have to be careful to not set one of Rodney's sensitive scanners off, creating a 'power source' he couldn't quite explain. Great. Just great.

Taking a deep breath, John tried to get a grip on his emotions. They were going to head back to Atlantis in just under three hours and until now he had managed to not overstep any boundaries. Sure, John was more skin-hungry, more touch starved than he could remember ever having been. But he was doing fine in the controlling his urges department. Really.

As long as he stayed far away from Rodney, John was fine. He could resist temptation with a lot of distance between them. The only problem with that was Rodney's increased suspicion that something was wrong. Confusion and annoyance were slowly turning into hurt over John's presumed as well as real avoidance of Rodney. Right now Rodney was still fiddling around with one of the consoles and John was - once again - at the other side of the room. As far away from Rodney as possible. But the little hurt glances his way weren't lost on John and he ached to explain, to make it better, but how could he possibly do that without losing his grip on himself?

Ronon and Teyla were packing up the rest of the camp and were still doing rounds, even though nothing on this planet indicated any threat. They'd preferred to stay outside of the outpost, only checking in a couple of times during the day in person, John really didn't blame them. By now John was radioing them every thirty minutes, but that was the only distraction from watching Rodney's fingers fly over his laptop or the Ancient consoles.

Heat coiled in John's belly as he imagined those fingers ghosting over his skin and what it would be like to be at the focus of that kind of attention. It had to be incredible. Rodney was doing everything with such fervent enthusiasm and such intense dedication that John was sure being in bed with him, having sex with him, had to be better than even flying.

Deep in thought, John didn't pay much attention to what exactly Rodney was doing. He couldn't see much from his place at the other side of the room anyway. A startled "huh?" followed by an excited "oh, that's interesting" made every one of John's alarm bells ring, though.

"Rodney?" John asked, alarmed. He pushed away from the wall to walk over to where Rodney was standing, looking avidly at the console and his laptop in alternation. He strained all his senses, but couldn't feel anything off, leaving him with no idea as to what Rodney thought was so interesting. There were no power fluctuations, nothing that made him want to grab Rodney and run as fast as he could. "What did you find?"

"Something you should like. Weapons schematics," Rodney, answered reaching for the console again.

"Rodney, don't!" John yelled, a bad feeling in his gut, but it was already too late. A red arch of light, not unlike the one Rodney had encountered with the ascension machine shot out of the console in front of him and engulfed Rodney's body. A moment later he slid from the chair - unconscious. Instantly, John grabbed for him, but wasn't fast enough to catch him completely. At least he managed to make sure Rodney didn't hit his head when he ended up on the floor. "What the …" He left Rodney lying there and looked at the information scrolling over the console in neat columns of Ancient. Oh fuck, was his first thought. "No, no, no," he muttered, "you won't." He wondered briefly if his command codes would still work after all this time, but he punched them in anyway. The self-defense program had activated as Rodney had started copying the military data, naturally. How else could it be?

"Is everything well, John?"

He took the time to open a channel only because he didn't want Teyla and Ronon to get too close. "We have a problem, Teyla. Stay by the jumper and don't try to approach. Something we did activated the self-defense mechanisms and rendered McKay unconscious."

"Shouldn't we come and assist you?"

John suppressed an irritated sigh. It was really ironic how his own race had cared so little but the humans cared so much for each other. Enough to endanger themselves to help others. On the offhand chance to be of any help. But this time, all it would do was kill them as well. And John didn't want that, one injured friend was enough to worry about. "No, don't. With Rodney down I don't know if it's safe to get too close. Stay by the jumper."

"Understood, John. We will inform Colonel Carter that there are problems."

He didn't bother answering, but just closed the channel and rapidly entered another code, praying to every deity he had ever heard of that he could shut it down completely. "Come on," he muttered and the few seconds it took for the program to accept it felt like eternity.

Taking a closer look at the readings, John cursed. He knew this kind of program and it was volatile at best. If he couldn't shut it down completely, he'd have to get Rodney out before the defense mechanism initiated self-destruct and blew up the whole outpost. But that wasn't the worst.

Cold dread settled in the pit of John's stomach. The energy arch was designed to take out anyone who tried to download restricted data without entering the correct password first, giving a backup-security team the chance to capture - or dispose of the body of - who ever it was who had tried to steal the data. Whether someone was killed or merely rendered unconscious was solely dependant on one thing - the ATA gene. Rodney should have been safe, ready to wake up in the next fifteen minutes - had it not been for the fact that he wasn't a natural ATA gene carrier. He hadn't been born with it and that small fact might prove fatal for him now. Well, not if John could help it though.

Feeling for the fluttering pulse in Rodney's neck John was relieved that he wasn't outright dead, but it was a small comfort. Something was definitely wrong with Rodney and it wasn't just unconsciousness. John silently cursed his race and their stupid, short sighted plans regarding practically everything. John had never liked this kind of defense mechanism, had argued that it was insanity to assume that anyone who would try to steal data and didn't have the gene would automatically be Wraith. Not with all the life they had seeded on all the different planets. But as always, no one had listened to him and the few who had pointed out the flaws in the system.

And now Rodney was paying the price for that stubborn stupidity. They'd lived and died ten thousand years ago and yet they could still influence the lives of others. Angry at them, at himself, at everybody who had just stood by and not done anything when they'd implemented this stupid, unreliable defense system, John knelt next to Rodney. "Fuck," John yelled and hit the console he was closest to with a fist, hearing the clattering of falling tools with satisfaction. The pain was a relief; it focused him, made the anger manageable. He didn't remember ever being so ruled by emotion. Not before, not recently. But it wasn't just Chaya's manipulations or his worry about Rodney's well-being. He'd been struggling to incorporate his old life as Tural into his new life as John more than they'd ever anticipated when he'd descended. The merging hadn't gone as smoothly as he'd thought it would and the dissonances left John reeling for something constant more often than not.

Suddenly, John detected a change in the air around him; the energy was ebbing away ever so slowly. Stomping down on the rising panic and the dread that threatened to overwhelm him, he concentrated on Rodney completely. There was no time to dwell on might have beens and he pushed any thoughts about how the situation could have been avoided out of his mind. He needed to make sure that Rodney was all right, not rage against his inability to stop his peers.

"Time to wake up, Rodney," he muttered as he pulled Rodney into his arms, but Rodney remained stubbornly unconscious. "Don't do this to me, buddy. Don't die on me, Rodney, just ... don't." The heartbeat that roared through his whole being as he touched Rodney's arm was unsteady and a jolt of real fear nearly overtook John. "No, no, no, no," he yelled. "You do not get to die on me, Rodney. You hear me? You don't." Rolling Rodney over on his back John placed both his hands on Rodney's chest. He could feel Rodney's body giving up underneath his fingers, fighting for every heartbeat, every breath.

John closed his eyes in concentration; he would need every bit of it. He hadn't healed anybody in a long, long time. Damn interference guidelines. Damn Ancients, he thought, allowing some of his power to pour into the failing body. "Live," he begged, not knowing if he was too late already. "Please, Rodney, live." Encompassing Rodney with threads of his energy, he made sure Rodney was still breathing and started to look for the source of the damage. The energy beam had caused ruptures on a cellular level to his lungs and his heart and as John started to repair them, he knew it would be a race for Rodney's life. "Live for me," John ordered. He was pushing at Rodney's life energy, at Rodney's very being to keep it from separating from his body. Once before, Rodney had been close to ascension and John knew he could have helped Rodney through that last step now. But John didn't want to. "Live. Don't die. I'll help you. Trust me," John begged again, frustrated by the restraints this body was putting on him. He longed to connect to Rodney more directly, wanted to interact with his essence but the energy, the primal forces that were keeping Rodney alive were so very hard to grasp. Nearing his limits, John reached out with all that he was, reuniting the energy he could feel throbbing under his fingertips with the slowly healing body that was the human form of Dr. Rodney McKay. He wouldn't let slip Rodney away like this. Not like this. Not through something as stupid as a ten thousand year old defense system that protected boring, useless data.

One heartbeat passed. Another. And another. Then Rodney's heart returned to a steady rhythm, his breathing became more regular and John had won the fight for Rodney's life. Relief hit John hard and he allowed himself a few more moments of contact, until Rodney's eyes fluttered open.

Regretfully, John reined in his powers. "Rodney?" he asked even has he allowed tendrils of his consciousness to seek out Rodney on another level, checking him over, making sure he was all there, that nothing was lost. "Are you alright, buddy?" he said to cover his relief.

"What happened?"

And from one moment to the next something shattered inside of John. "I almost lost you," he whispered, "you nearly died and ... and I ..." He closed his eyes, struggled for control and ... lost. Slowly opening his eyes again, John gave in to the urge he had felt since the day before. He had denied himself this long enough. Hands on Rodney's shoulders, John slowly leaned down and brushed his lips over Rodney's. To John's surprise Rodney's body relaxed underneath him and Rodney's eyes fell closed.

Encouraged by Rodney's positive reaction, John carefully licked Rodney's lower lip, tracing it with the tip of his tongue teasingly. Rodney opened willingly, a soft moan escaping him. That sound alone served to make John instantly, completely and painfully hard. He was lying half on top of Rodney by now, hand coming up to play with Rodney's soft hair as he began to explore Rodney's mouth slowly with his tongue.

Within seconds, Rodney filled all of John's senses. The smell, taste and feeling of Rodney under his fingers, close to him, were all intoxicating and John felt another wave of desire rush through him. They parted, slowly, unwillingly and John breathed kisses along Rodney's jaw line. "Rodney ..." He wanted so much, wanted to undress Rodney, taste every inch of skin.

"John ... no," Rodney said, his hands pushing at John's shoulders.

He didn't think he'd ever sobered up faster than when he was scrambling away from Rodney, aware that he'd just practically plastered himself against the man. "I'm sorry," he hurriedly said, "I'm so sorry, Rodney, I didn't think ... I ..."

Rodney was there in a second, kissing him passionately before pulling back again and grinning at him. A wide, open smile that was full of happiness. "No, it's just… we can't do this here," he finally said, "think of what Carson will say if we come back covered in hickeys. Never mind anything else."

John relaxed, reaching out to run his hand down the side of Rodney's face, his neck, enjoying the feel of skin under his fingertips. "Yeah, of course. I got carried away," he replied with a smile of his own.

"Colonel Sheppard? Are you alright, sir?"

They jumped at Lorne's voice coming through their earpieces. For a moment John felt panic bubble inside, but then he realized that while John had always walked that line, never crossing, Tural really, really didn't care about the uniform code. But Tural hadn't cared much for sex, either. Mentally shaking his head over his suddenly slightly schizophrenic thoughts, John opened the channel, his eyes never wavering from Rodney's. "Yeah, we're fine. It stopped and whatever it was that affected McKay is gone now." He picked himself up off the floor, offering Rodney a hand. Even that innocent touch felt wonderful and John almost didn't let go again. But Rodney glared at him briefly, in a rather exasperated and fond way until he had his hand back. "We're going to pull the rest of the data and come back. Give us a minute."

"Yes, sir."

"And don't approach," he ordered. Not so much afraid of the self-defense mechanism anymore, but he selfishly wanted to have Rodney for himself. "We don't know if it's still dangerous." Lorne acknowledged and John closed the channel. He couldn't help himself and went to stand behind Rodney, their bodies touching as much as possible.

"You have to back off if you want me to finish this today," Rodney said in a strangled voice. His shoulders were tense.

With a sense of loss, John stepped away. He had to put his hands into his pockets to keep from reaching out to Rodney, though. When the urge to touch got worse instead of dimming, John looked around to find something - anything really - to keep himself busy. With a sigh, he started to pick up the tools he'd scattered in his fit of anger earlier. At least nothing had broken. Time sped up while John carefully put Rodney's toolkit back together and stealing glances at Rodney working. It was a relief that he could now look without fear of being discovered, without worrying how Rodney would react. The hot stab of anticipation in his stomach banked down a little into something bearable and by the time Rodney looked up at him, John had packed up their things and he was able to walk out of the outpost like nothing had happened.

That didn't mean post-mission routine wasn't a bitch. The mission debrief was a special kind of hell with Sam throwing them concerned looks even though Carson's preliminary check-up had been clear. The in-depth medical examination was one that bordered on the unbearable with all the prodding and poking going on. Something John had started to expect when things went wrong. And after the rush of adrenaline back in the outpost, the whole thing passed at a snail's pace.

He was relieved when Carson kicked him out and unhappy because Carson had decided to keep Rodney for observation. John couldn't exactly say 'don't worry, I healed him, he's never been better', so he gave in to the inevitable and went to his quarters. Alone. Ostensibly to shower and change, but really to sulk and pretend to read his stupid book.

Instead of doing any of these things, he found himself lying on the tiny bed he'd picked, staring at the ceiling. He could still feel Rodney's lips on his, Rodney's warmth underneath his fingers. It was maddening, to have been so close and not have the opportunity to do anything else.

"McKay to Sheppard."

John nearly fell off his bed when he jerked at Rodney's voice in his ear. He activated the radio. "Rodney?" The only radio call he'd expected was one to inform him of an immediate emergency, certainly not Rodney, who shouldn't even have his radio at the time.

"There's something I need to show you, could you come over to my quarters?"

"Sure," John said, but he frowned; Rodney didn't sound like he had anything but work on his mind at all. Not exactly what John had been hoping for, if he was being honest. "Gimme ten minutes." He really did need a shower after two days off world. The water felt wonderful, but John just went through the motions quickly, his mind on the tone of Rodney's voice, the way he'd sounded almost distracted. Puzzled, not excited or longing.

Dressed in a clean uniform John left his quarters, feeling apprehensive. He didn't bother waiting in front of Rodney's door, he just thought 'open' at the door and it did as it had been asked. John had always been able to do that, he'd done it to annoy Rodney, this time Rodney didn't even look up from the laptop he was working on. Well, crap. The laptop he'd had with him at the outpost. The one with all the interesting data. Fuck.

"What happened while I was unconscious?" was the first thing Rodney said after the door had slid shut again behind John.

John sighed. He'd hoped to put this off for a little longer, at least till the next morning. "I don't know exactly what happened, but you suddenly were engulfed in some sort of energy beam, keeled over and the self defense systems started up." With a frown Rodney finally looked at him. "You triggered it when you tried to download sensitive data. That's at least what the console you worked on said. My Ancient is good enough to decipher some stuff," John said, going to stand behind Rodney and looking over his shoulders. "What's the problem?"

"I picked up two energy spikes, one coinciding with the activation of the self defense, the other around the time I woke up. And I can't figure out where the second one came from. Look at that," Rodney said, pointing at the data. "The first spike is massive and just as it looks like the system is powering down the second spike occurred. That kind of energy isn't generated when a system shuts down."

"Hmm," John said. He hadn't even thought about what Rodney would find in the data he'd gotten or that he'd work on it the first available moment. Of course he wouldn't just let it sit there and rot. Considering John had been looking forward to Rodney getting out of the infirmary and continue what they'd started earlier John would have felt a whole lot better if Rodney had still been stuck there. Speaking of which, "Aren't you supposed to be in the infirmary?" A night's reprieve would certainly have been helpful.

Rodney waved away John's words with one hand while he scrolled down the page with the other. "No, Carson finally gave in a bit after you left. All he knows is that I'm alright. Whatever happened in the outpost, it at least didn't leave any lasting effects. How come you weren't affected as well?"

Reading the numbers over Rodney's shoulder John merely shrugged. "I guess I just wasn't in range of the beam. Luck maybe?" This really wasn't good. The sensor data pretty much told Rodney everything he needed to know about who and what John was. If Rodney really did work it out John wouldn't have been able to keep his secret for longer than a week. Wouldn't that suck? He wanted to change the numbers, distract Rodney, make him forget he'd seen anything at all, but John couldn't do that. Not while Rodney was looking. And he wanted so much more from Rodney and he was already lying. The mires of moral dilemmas, John thought, trying to decide what to do. Changing anything would just make a wrong that much more wrong. Damn it. John really wished he could tell Rodney without appearing to be a total idiot. He quietly watched as Rodney got a pad of paper and started writing down equations rapidly.

"I really don't think the system powering down would take so much energy, but there was nothing else there that'd be able to use that amount of power without burning up," Rodney muttered.

John closed his eyes briefly, desperately thinking of something he could say that wouldn't just create more questions. "Are you sure your equipment was working properly?" he finally asked, settling on diversion rather than misinformation.

That produced a deep frown while Rodney looked over the numbers again. "I'll have to check that later," Rodney conceded. "Could be that the first spike broke something important."

John suppressed a sigh of relief. He'd make sure something would be broken before Rodney could check. "Probably a good idea," he said, nodding. Rodney was still writing out equations on the notepad and John couldn't help following his line of thought. It was interesting how Rodney's mind worked, very interesting. John had never really been able to keep up with Rodney. Not properly anyway. But now? Now everything made sense the way John remembered from before. Before he'd descended. It was ... odd. Rodney not being more intelligent than him anymore. "You forgot to invert the polarity there," John pointed out a part of the equation.

Rodney stopped writing, his pen hovering over the pad. "What?"

"You forgot to invert the polarity here," John repeated patiently. When Rodney just frowned at his notes John took the pen from him, leaning in close, his breath ghosting over Rodney's cheek, and changed the faulty part. "There, much better," he said, putting the pen back into Rodney's hand.

For a moment Rodney sat there, staring at the paper in front of him before he slowly turned around to John. There was a look of awed disbelief on his face and he was stunned into silence. "You ... you understand this?" he asked.

John turned his head into Rodney's shoulder, breathing in deeply. Rodney hadn't showered yet, apparently, but John wasn't bothered, he smelled good enough to eat. "Yeah," he muttered. He understood that and more. Things Rodney only dreamed about, things that Rodney had done while he was under the influence of the ascension machine. John understood it all. "Yeah, I understand."

Rodney's eyes widened and John could tell the exact second when Rodney realized how close John was right then. "John?"

Another deep breath and John struggled to back off a bit. "Sorry, I just want …" John started, but was lost for words. He wanted to touch, to lick that spot on Rodney's neck he'd just been so close to. Wanted to kiss, to hold. It felt like he'd never wanted that badly in all his life. His people hadn't glorified sex the way the humans from Earth did and Tural had never taken a partner in his life. Chaya had disgusted him and once the war had started … well, he'd never had the wish to find someone. As John he'd married, but he'd never been especially touchy-feely or promiscuous. Wanting … needing to touch Rodney so badly was something entirely new to him. "Rodney," he moaned, trying to pull himself together. He looked down at the notepad again, his voice rough as he finished the line for Rodney. "And …"

But Rodney had gotten up and wrapped his arms around John, pulling him into a searing kiss. A surge of desire shot through John at the heat of Rodney against him, Rodney's hands seemingly everywhere. He was drunk on being touched, drunk on Rodney and he lost himself in the kiss. "Keep talking," Rodney moaned as they came up to breathe, pushing his erection against John's thigh.

"What about?" John asked, puzzled for a moment, but when Rodney repeated the equation back at him in a breathless, rough voice, his eyes dilated so much that there was only a small ring of blue left, John got it. "Math turns you on?"

Instead of an answer, Rodney rubbed himself against John. Groaning, John buried his head in Rodney's neck again, nipping the tender skin he found there. "Overdressed," he gasped. They both scrambled to undress each other between kisses and groans and numbers.

John took a deep breath, steadying himself, then lowered Rodney gently onto the bed, settling onto him, their bodies fitting together like they belonged. "One plus one is two," John murmured against Rodney's jaw, knowing his antics would get a reaction out of Rodney. And he was right. John could feel the heat roll off Rodney and the indignation, even though he couldn't see the glare. He smiled into the skin he was caressing, feeling Rodney sputter beneath him. "The square root of one hundred is ten," he muttered, his hands running down Rodney's sides.

"Stop teasing me," Rodney moaned, his voice rough.

Smiling to himself, John moved down and let the equations flow out of him, breathing them onto Rodney's skin, loving how he twitched and moaned beneath fingers, mouth, teeth, and numbers.

"John ..." Rodney's voice was husky, barely above a whisper, but pleading all the same.

"Yes, Rodney?" John asked innocently, lifting his head long enough from Rodney's skin to look him in the eyes. "Did you need something?"

"I need you to stop fooling around and get down …" John didn't let him finish the sentence but slid down Rodney's body instead, taking Rodney's cock deep into his mouth. Rodney hissed. "… to business, I was going to say. Damn it, John, fuck me already you're driving me nuts!"

John smiled around the cock in his mouth before releasing it, giving it one final lick. "Someone's impatient," he grinned, reaching for the lube.

"Like that's news to you. And your math sucks, I'll have you know. Every third grader can do better math you just did. That all you can come up with?" Rodney snapped, his voice somewhere between breathless and challenging.

Taking the bait, John reached down with one slick finger, teasing Rodney before pushing inside, making Rodney gasp. "So you think my math sucks, huh? Maybe you're just too distracted to listen properly? Maybe you got it all wrong …" John teased, pushing a second finger in beside the first one.

The reaction was everything John had hoped for. Rodney groaned deep in his throat, hands tightening in the sheets and back arching slightly. Rodney's hips thrust up, seeking friction and John grinned, leaning down to lick a long stripe from the base of Rodney's cock all the way up to the moist tip.

"John, please!" Rodney begged and this time, John complied. He pulled his fingers free and slicked himself up in a hurry. Before Rodney could protest about John stopping, John pushed Rodney's legs back against his torso and leaned down on him. John began to recite more complicated equations against the heated skin of Rodney's neck and chest, enjoying the way Rodney's breath hitched. Rodney was really turned on by this.

John took a deep breath to get his arousal under control, steadying himself before he pushed in slowly, entering Rodney for the first time. Rodney's body accepted John easily, opening up around him so John could slide all the way in.

Rodney's eyes were closed, his legs circling John's waist, pulling John closer, pulling him in even deeper. John gave a few shallow thrusts that made Rodney squirm and moan under him, before he leaned close to Rodney's ear, breathing aeronautical equations into his skin.

John really wasn't convinced Rodney could follow anything of what John was saying by now, but it was a lot of fun to tease him that way, anyway. Simply because Rodney was turned on immensely by the mere fact that they were equations - no matter what they were about or how complicated they were. And John was thrilled to be able to say them out loud, to not have to play dumb for a while.

As he sped up his thrusts, enjoying the way Rodney looked all flushed and tousled and hot, John had an idea. It was a bit risky, but Rodney seemed to be so far gone that it most probably wouldn't matter much. Feeling daring, John concentrated on his memories, recalling the lessons his instructors had drilled into him, things he might need to know in the event of an emergency. It was all there in his mind and now, he'd share it with Rodney. ZPM power output, power fluctuations, formula after formula, equation after equation whispered and moaned, murmured and breathed against Rodney's writhing body.

Just when John was halfway through the mathematical solution to recharging ZPM, Rodney suddenly stilled and came, spilling hot cum between their bodies. John's breath caught, the feeling of Rodney tightening all around him, the smell of sex, Rodney's erratic heartbeat under his fingers ... the combined onslaught of sensations sent John over the edge right behind him.

Panting heavily, John leaned down to plant a small kiss onto Rodney's pulse point, licking the damp skin he found appreciatively. Damn, he wanted this man. Even though, technically, John most probably hadn't been supposed to pursue any relationships on his rather important mission, John couldn't find he cared. At all. Screw the rules, he was outside of the rules anyway, was meant to be outside of the rules, so why not in this instance, as well? He breathed a kiss onto Rodney's sweaty skin, suddenly freezing when realization practically hit him like a ton of bricks. Oh … this isn't just desire. I love him. I love Rodney.

John grinned dopily as he looked down at Rodney's flushed, sticky form. He was still panting as hard as John and his skin shone with perspiration. He was the sexiest sight John had ever laid eyes on, and he was all John's.

Careful not to hurt him, John slowly slipped out of Rodney, rolling so he came to lie on the bed beside his lover. Rodney's eyes opened and he looked directly at John. Putting his head on Rodney's shoulder John curled up as close as possible. "I should have known math would turn you on," he said and licked Rodney's shoulder, just because he could. Then he frowned; the tension palpable in Rodney's body was completely in contrast to anything John knew as afterglow. "Rodney?" he asked, worried he'd done something wrong.

"John, you've been reciting ZedPM formulas," Rodney finally said, his voice strangely cold considering what they'd just been doing.

"Yeah, sure. Why not? It's math after all," John replied with an easy grin while his stomach dropped out. Oh damn it. Rodney had picked up on it. What the hell had he been thinking? Oh yes, he hadn't actually been using his big head at the time. Fuck. John really didn't want to lose Rodney and he didn't know how well Rodney would take the news that John and Tural were the same person. "It worked, didn't it?"

"Yes, yes it worked quite well," Rodney replied, the hard look in his eyes not changing. "It worked a bit too well, actually. Would you care to explain to me how you got that sort of data? You know how to build and recharge ZedPMs, right? You've known all along. What kind of game is this to you? Tease the naive scientist?" Rodney asked angrily.

John tensed. Fuck. His fingers stilled on their way up Rodney's side as he felt Rodney draw away. "I don't ..."

"Don't lie to me, John ... or should I call you Tural? Chaya was right, wasn't she? She said you were Tural because she knew you. It was you she was engaged to. No wonder she wanted to keep you. Did the two of you have a good laugh at our expense? At my expense?" Rodney was positively livid by now, body tense with anger and hurt.

John felt every word out of Rodney's mouth like a blow. This so wasn't going according to the rather vague plan he'd had in the back of his mind. "Listen to me, Rodney. I swear to you, I didn't lie. Everything I said was true. I might have left out a few bits here and there but the things I said, those things were the truth," John said, not caring that he sounded as desperate as he felt. What was the loss of his pride compared to losing Rodney? At Rodney's glare he hastily added, "Okay, mostly the truth, alright? Mostly. But I couldn't just …"

But Rodney held up a hand. "I don't believe you," Rodney snapped, clearly hurt and confused. He pushed at John's chest and John shuffled away on the bed, not wanting to crowd Rodney if he really didn't want to be near John any more. "Why should I believe even one word you say? You've been pretending all this time. You're a fake. An actor. Nothing but some perverted Ancient who gets off on watching us, pretending to be one of us. What were we to you, Tural? Some specimen in a terrarium? Let's see how the stupid humans deal with being alone in a foreign galaxy, cut off from home? Is that what it takes to give you a kick?" Rodney got up, pulling on his clothes with sharp, angry motions.

"You know that's not true!" John exclaimed, feeling like someone had pulled the floor out from under him. Rodney's words, his mistrust hurt so badly and John was lost for words that could possibly explain or make it all better. How was he supposed to make this right again? Rodney's friendship was so very important to John and until he'd had the incredibly stupid idea about the ZPM formulas, he'd actually hoped Rodney would come to love him. That he maybe even loved him a little already.

John knew it would have been so very easy to lower the tight grip on his mental shielding and have a peek at how Rodney really felt, but John doubted that right now Rodney felt anything besides hurt, anger and disgust towards John. And that was something John really didn't need to experience first hand. Seeing it in Rodney's eyes and on his face, hurt badly enough already. John didn't need to actually feel it. He knew he couldn't deal with those kinds of emotions coming from Rodney at that moment.

As if on cue, Rodney sarcastically asked, "Oh, do I now?" making it clear he wasn't going to give in anytime soon.

John suppressed a sigh and rubbed his face with both hands. This was ridiculous. If only he could find a way to make Rodney see, make him understand, make him believe that John had never meant to hurt him. That John just hadn't felt comfortable with anyone knowing. Not even Rodney. This whole thing was still so very new to John as well, and even though his memories from his time as Tural had settled easily once they were all online, John still felt a little off.

But he was no liar. He wasn't a fake. He hadn't been pretending to like, no, to love Rodney.

"Rodney, you know me. You know who I am, no matter what name you call me. I'm still John, I'm still the same person. I didn't suddenly become someone else just because I know a little more and can do a little more," John tried to reason with his agitated lover.

Disgust was written plainly all over Rodney's face and he snorted, "Yeah, right. 'Know a little more, can do a little more'," he mimicked derisively.

"I didn't do it to hurt you, Rodney. You … you mean a great deal to me and I'd never intentionally cause you harm. You have to believe me. Please, Rodney. I'm sorry, alright? I'll admit I didn't think this through to the end, and I didn't anticipate that you would actually remember any of what I said to you. I'm truly sorry that I didn't consider what my actions would mean for you and the way you feel about me. I'm totally out of my depth here. I'm not used to feeling like this. People usually don't get to me like you do, Rodney. I'm bad at letting anyone close." John made a last, helpless attempt to get through to Rodney.

At that, Rodney laughed a dry, humorless laugh, his eyes full of betrayal and pain. "Do you ever listen to yourself? You don't even sound like yourself any more. You sound like one of them already. And what is that talk about me 'meaning a great deal' to you? As if someone like you would really develop feelings for me. It was laughable when you were 'just' Sheppard, the hottest guy on Atlantis. But now you're some higher being. I don't think enlightened, ascended Ancients ... whatever you are ... are interested in people like me. Genius or not."

"People like you?" John asked, dumbfounded. He really didn't know what Rodney was talking about. "Why the hell would I not want to be with a brilliant, sarcastic, loyal man who happens to be the best friend I've ever had - in either life?" John asked, completely serious. Why was it so hard for Rodney to understand that John felt drawn towards him? That John would find Rodney attractive?

"Oh please. Spare me that drivel," Rodney snapped and John felt a wave of dread settle over him. Rodney just wouldn't believe him. If only John could show Rodney that his feelings were true...

John paused in thought, stunned that the idea only now came to him. Hmm. That might be worth a try. It would be pushing the limits quite a bit again but Rodney was worth it. More than worth it. John needed Rodney and he was aware enough of himself by now to realize just how deep that need ran. "Rodney," he said and got up, but didn't try and approach Rodney. Right now, he might get punched, John knew that, could feel it vibrating between them. Rodney was standing at the other side of the room, arms folded defensively over his chest, and there was so much vulnerability under all that anger and hurt that John ached from just looking at him.

Feeling suddenly uncomfortable in his naked state with Rodney fully dressed, John picked up his underwear and his shirt, thinking of what he was about to do. It was risky and could end up with more hard feelings between them than before, but it was definitely worth a try. Because right now John doubted Rodney would believe a single word he said. Rodney was a scientist, he needed proof.

Coming to a decision, John concentrated on the way Rodney made him feel and just pushed. All his feelings, his own confusion, his love, his need, his want, he packed it all up, tight and tidy and pushed it over to Rodney, gave Rodney all he was. Seeing Rodney struggle with what he was feeling, John nudged a bit, helped Rodney unravel it and then he watched as the anger and the fear that had been Rodney's expression vaporized slowly. The surprise was something John had been expecting, but Rodney's eyes widened and he looked at John staggering back a bit, obviously overwhelmed by what he had received. John had forgotten how this could be for mere mortals and he was almost sorry for doing it, if there hadn't been such awe on Rodney's face for a moment before pulled himself together.

"Don't do that," Rodney hissed, eyes narrowing. He was livid. "You can't just go around and shove your feelings, feelings you can't even name, at me, expecting me to fall at your feet, eternally grateful that you, the great and mighty Ancient are considering me, the mere mortal. You're being such an ass about this whole situation that I can't even tell you how much you disgust me right now. You're manipulative. And careless. You lied to me and you kept things from me, important things. How could you do this if you claim I mean something to you? You called me your friend. Your best friend. Well, let me tell you something, you don't treat friends like that. Even I know that and I'm not the most adept person when it comes to social situations. So excuse me if I think you're being a presumptuous ass, pushing your feelings at me like that, showing off your newfound powers and thinking that will solve everything. Because it doesn't. I don't know who you are and I'm not sure I want to know. I'm not sure I even like who you've become."

"Rodney," John repeated and now he did take a step towards Rodney, hands out in the most unthreatening way he knew. Hearing Rodney say those things hurt and John feared he might have messed up whatever relationship they had had, for good. "That's not why I was doing it, Rodney," John said, heatedly. "And I'm not thinking of myself as some great and almighty Ancient, because I'm not. Don't you get it? I'm still me. And I've just realized that I'm in love with you. I think I loved you from the moment I set eyes on you in Antarctica. I just didn't know what it was, back then. What I just gave to you is just a glimpse at what I feel for you. I didn't do it to manipulate you into anything but to make you believe me. Damn it, Rodney, I have no idea what I'm doing half of the time. It seemed like a good plan at that moment. I'm not some scheming Ancient bastard running around wanting to be worshipped or something like that. I'm trying my best, all right? I mean it Rodney… I'm totally lost here. There's not exactly a manual for the situation I'm in." John hoped he was getting through to Rodney. He hadn't meant to make such a mess of their relationship, hadn't meant to jump Rodney's bones on the first occasion, possibly ruining their friendship forever. He had just acted on impulse, his feelings and desires. It had been a spur of the moment thing while his emotional state was completely messed up.

Luckily for John, Rodney didn't move back, a lot. He just looked at him in the most vulnerable way and John knew that he couldn't fuck this up or he'd hurt Rodney more than he could ever make up. "I didn't plan on deceiving you, Rodney. You have to believe that. Until the neurotransmitter treatment, I didn't even know I really was Tural. Sure, I figured that Chaya was either crazy, or right. But until the moment I woke up I didn't know. All right? I just … I didn't want anybody to treat me differently. We're just people, Rodney."

"Just people," Rodney repeated scathingly. "You're ascended. You're an omnipotent, all knowing, ten thousand year old being. You could do so much, teach us so much. You could help us against the Wraith!"

John shook his head slowly, taking another step closer to Rodney. "No. You've got it completely wrong. I'm not ascended, I'm not omnipotent or all knowing. I'm just a Lantean soldier, who ascended at one point and got descended again to … help. Sure, I have my memories from before, and I still know everything John knew, but only very little of the ascended knowledge remains. You know it'd be impossible for me to keep that kind of memories. It would kill me or render me insensible, like Orlin." The simple fact that Rodney was still listening made John hopeful as he took one more step. They were within touching range now, but John made no move to do so.

"Why are you here?" Rodney asked. He sounded like he desperately wanted to believe John, but couldn't quite do it yet.

"It was agreed that we cannot interfere while ascended, but a group of us believe that we've made a lot of mistakes and should do something to fix them. The others allowed for one of us to descend to Earth, integrate into a family, become a part of the population. We can't see the future or change it, but we can see the possibilities and the probability of our descendants returning to Atlantis one day were high," John explained, haltingly. He knew he sounded distant, but that's how it all felt. Like a dim dream, the memories of his orders. They were muffled, warped and John knew the only way to regain all of them was to ascend again. To go back to sitting in the golden cage. Knowing everything and being allowed to do nothing.

Rodney looked uncomfortable. "They kicked you out?"

"No, I volunteered," John answered honestly.

"Oh my God! You've always been suicidal, haven't you? I bet you were just the same as Tural, going where no one else dared to tread," Rodney exclaimed, pointing a finger at him in what was definitely supposed to be an accusing manner. At least he'd started relaxing again and John felt something inside of him unclench.

John shrugged and grinned. "Yeah well. Someone has to do the things I do. If not me it'd be someone else, ya know?" The skeptical look that earned John was like it had been before. It said something along the line of John possibly being as stupid as most of the morons working for him in the labs. For some unspeakable reason that made John feel warm and loved, but also sobered him up rather quickly. "Rodney," he said haltingly, "I'm sorry, I should have told you." He'd never been this sorry about anything in his life. Both of his lives put together. "I … I care for you. And I don't know what else to say." Rodney wasn't usually this inscrutable, but John couldn't read him. There were too many conflicting emotions warring in Rodney's eyes and the silence stretched too long for John's comfort. "Rodney," he tried again, but Rodney shook his head.

He sighed. "Yeah, you should have told me," Rodney finally said and John's heart sank when Rodney stepped back, out of reach. "This isn't something that I can just … you know, pretend didn't happen. I need time to think about it."

John gave Rodney a sad smile, then went to gather the rest of his scattered clothes in silence. On the way out, he paused to face Rodney again. He wanted to hug him, to kiss him, to touch him, but all he did was look.

"I won't tell anyone," Rodney said, then he palmed the door open.

Taking it as a hint, John left.

The end.