Archive of Our Own ^beta

Rodney felt like an absolute idiot. The clues had all been there since John had gotten his memories back. They'd been there but Rodney had stupidly believed John - no, Tural - when he'd said that nothing had changed. That he was still John, that it was all just like a bad memory. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," he muttered and started pacing the room.

For the first time in Rodney's life someone had practically jumped his bones. Someone nice, someone intelligent, someone good-looking. And wasn't it unfair that this someone had to be a descended Ancient who just happened to overwrite the memory of his very best friend? There was no way to tell if Tural said the truth, no way at all. Yes, he'd felt the overwhelming desire and love in whatever Tural had done to him. Rodney had even gotten a glimpse of the desperation that had been so audible in Tural's voice. But could he really be sure that it wasn't something made up? Rodney wanted to believe him. Desperately. But there was also a part of him that was impossibly upset.

And John … oh fuck, John, what was he going to do about the whole mess? Tural was John. No, John was Tural. John had been Tural. Still was Tural? Was Tural again? Where was John then and did John think of himself as John or as Tural now?

Rodney's head swam from trying to figure it out and he wanted to scream. He just wanted John, wanted his best friend back and not some Ancient in disguise. Not some Ancient jerk who had put on the face of his best friend, his voice and his looks. Had his quirks and his memories.

Memories - that was pretty much what it came down to. Those damn ancient memories. The memories that had robbed Rodney of his best friend and had given him a pod-person. An Ancient wannabe who was neither human nor Ancient now and who apparently was in love with him.

It was all such a mess.

For his own sanity he decided - until proven otherwise - to call him John anyway, since calling him Tural even in his mind made Rodney's skin prickle with unease. Also, he might slip if he didn't. He had promised not to tell anybody and because Rodney … yes, Rodney loved John as well, and he was damn well going to keep that promise.

Feeling a headache coming, Rodney forced himself to stop thinking about it. Instead, he picked up his laptop with the - now even more valuable - data and hurried to his lab. Rodney finally understood why there had been such a shifty look in John's eyes when he'd talked about his memories, about how he didn't remember anything. Nobody else had noticed, but Rodney knew John very, very well. But when they'd talked in the outpost John had been sincere then. About Rodney asking, about telling Rodney what he could.

Rodney growled at himself. "Stop thinking about it," he muttered and settled down at his workbench. He immersed himself in the numbers, forgetting everything else for the moment. There were three different datasets the Ancient scanners collected and he had to compare them. Radek and he had been working on a program to integrate all of it on one timeline, but they hadn't managed to get it working yet. It all just got hopelessly garbled. Rodney blamed the Ancients and their aversion towards proper indexing.

Rodney sighed and tried once more to combine data that stubbornly refused to cooperate. Some of that data just didn't make any sense. Really, no sense at all. Rodney's thoughts wandered back to the second energy spike, how John had suggested that the equipment had been faulty. Belatedly Rodney realized that John had most probably only said that so he didn't have to outright lie to Rodney. For some reason that thought gave Rodney a warm feeling.

Stop it, he firmly told himself, but it was no use. Rodney's mind was now occupied with the information he had gathered about the second energy spike. The spike that had occurred around the same time Rodney had woken up again.

Coincidence? Unlikely.

There was something nagging Rodney at the back of his mind. Something he couldn't quite grasp yet. Couldn't name. Didn't dare to think about. Something he stubbornly, stoically refused to consider.

Energy. John was - as an Ancient - virtually made of energy. Surely his body had changed to adapt to his new memories? John most probably wasn't entirely human any more.

Was it possible? Could John be responsible for the second energy spike? And if yes, why?

What had driven him to expose himself like that even if it meant he might be detected? That he might be revealed as who and what he was? What the hell had happened and what was it that John wasn't telling? Because Rodney was sure that while John had told him the entire truth now, he was also keeping something back. That was what had made Rodney angrier than the rest of it together.

Sighing, Rodney opened the next set of data and painstakingly inserted the batches into his analysis manually. "Stupid Ancients," he muttered as he stabbed at the keys viciously. There it was. The first energy spike coincided with Rodney starting the data download, which made perfect sense. Then nothing … nothing … nothing … oh crap. He scrolled back quickly, watching the streams of numbers that were his and John's "life signs". Heartbeat, respiration, the scanner picked up a lot of useless crap, really. Well, not so useless sometimes, as it was. Eyes wide, Rodney stared at the numbers in front of him that told him how his heart rate had first sped up dangerously, before it had become arrhythmic and had slowed down. A lot. As in close to cardiac arrest. At the same time, he'd almost stopped breathing … until the second energy spike.

Fuck.

Rodney had been dying, he'd nearly been dead and John … John had saved him. He'd fixed him up good as new if Carson was to be believed.

Shocked to the core, Rodney sat back in his chair, still staring at his computer screen with unseeing eyes. John had saved his life. John had ... John had risked being discovered to save Rodney's life.

Sure, technically it wasn't the first time John had taken personal risks to keep the expedition - keep Rodney - safe, in fact it had been more often than Rodney liked to think about. But this was something different. This was up close and personal. Intimate in a way that Rodney was all too familiar with.

Rodney could still remember the burn on Radek's chest, the way his life energy had fluttered and died underneath his hands, how Radek's life was slipping through his fingers and all he had to do was push at it, force it back into Radek's body as he healed it.

Rodney highly doubted that it had been as easy for John. Something told him that the way someone was dying mattered and that John had fought and struggled for Rodney to stay alive. There was something in the readings of the life sign monitor that definitely spoke of struggle. It wasn't a continuous downward slope and then getting better again. It looked as if it had started out bad, had gotten worse and then to almost fatal and John had pulled him off the brink, struggling several moments if the readings were anything to go by, until the heartbeat and the breathing rate normalized.

And Rodney had woken.

Rodney had woken to a John whose voice had been full of such terror at the thought of losing Rodney that it still sent shivers down his spine.

"I almost lost you. You nearly died and ... and I ..."

Rodney called himself all kinds of stupid as he remembered John's words.

"You nearly died ..." John had said it himself. Slip of tongue most probably judging by how shaken he'd been. And for once, Rodney's genius mind hadn't caught on.

If he really had almost died, how would a merely human John have managed to get him back good as new?

Curious, Rodney sat up straighter again and opened the files containing the completed mission reports. He wasn't surprised that in John's report there was no talk of Rodney's life having been in danger. Unconscious? Yes. Dying? Not so much.

Frowning to himself, Rodney opened the log he had pulled from the outpost after he'd 'woken up' again. They always did that. Standard procedure … they'd yet to find anything interesting, mainly because the Ancients had pulled out in too much of a hurry to do much more than power everything down. But Elizabeth had started keeping a list of names of the last Ancients leaving any outpost they found and the science department had continued the project after she'd died. In memory of her.

There it was. In pristine Ancient. John had shut off the self-defense system with his fucking command code. Of course they'd all known that Tural was a soldier, John had told Rodney that with tales from his zone outs, but that he'd been high enough in the hierarchy to have these codes was … not at all surprising.

Rodney closed his eyes, forcing himself to think about it rationally. There was no place for feelings of betrayal and hurt in this. It was too important. Too important for John and too important for the whole expedition. To have a living, breathing Ancient had always been something like the Holy Grail for all of them. Someone who could tell them all sorts of things, who could warn them away from the really dangerous stuff. Who could explain the filing order of the database … Rodney had just never figured John could be that Ancient.

Looking at the bare facts, John had lied to them, had said that he couldn't remember. But he could. He obviously remembered quite clearly. He still remembered his command code, for fuck's sake. John hadn't given them any information or help whatsoever, which was understandable though, they all knew what happened to Ancients who ignored the rules. John had saved Rodney's life despite all that. Had practically opened himself up to all kinds of unpleasantness, both from the people constituting the expedition and the Ancients. Briefly, Rodney wondered if there were consequences to John saving Rodney's life like that, if there was a price to pay. He really hoped there wasn't, but by now he didn't believe that the Ancients had had any common sense and he doubted that was something that came with Ascension.

Staring at the data in front of him for a long, long time, Rodney did the only thing he could do. He methodically deleted everything and then proceeded to wipe the scanner itself. No-one could know. This was something that had the potential to destroy John and Rodney couldn't let that happen.

Rodney wouldn't - and couldn't - allow John to end up a guinea pig for some misguided SGC personnel or as a living and breathing database for the expedition's scientists. Locked away, because he was too precious to lose. It'd kill John as surely as a bullet to the head. No way was Rodney going to allow any of them to hurt John.

The wave of protectiveness that rushed through Rodney came as a bit of a surprise. The man had lied to him, had deceived him.

Yes, he did and he had a damn good reason for it, a small voice inside Rodney's head reminded him. Rodney shut it up quickly, muttering, "He knew he could trust me. He knew I'd never rat him out to anyone. I trust him with my life, why couldn't he do the same?"

"I do trust you, Rodney. I trust you more than I've trusted anyone in my life - ever." Rodney spun around, startled. John was leaning in the doorway of the lab, looking tired and drawn. Somehow, Rodney couldn't be angry with him at that moment. "I needed time to sort things out. I'd have told you, eventually. There is so much I want to give you. So much I want to tell you, but I just ... I can't. Not the way I'd really like to, anyway. But I'll do what I can, I promise," John went on, quietly. Then he turned around again, obviously about to leave and Rodney just wasn't going let that happen.

"John, wait! Why did you come here? What do you want?" Rodney asked, but he suspected he knew the answer to that question already.

"I came to do what you're doing right now," John replied, but he didn't turn back to look at Rodney. As if he wouldn't be able to say what he had to say if he looked Rodney in the eyes. "I came to wipe out my traces. I can't let it be known who and what I am, not yet anyway. I'm sorry, Rodney. I really never meant to hurt you like this." With that he walked away and this time Rodney didn't call him back.

Instead, he stared at the progress bar. When he was done, there would be no way to restore any of this. Rodney leaned back and rubbed his stinging eyes. He was beat. Not only from the sex … which had been like … wow. He was emotionally drained and physically tired. It had all been so exhausting … the whole day, hell, the last few weeks. For a moment Rodney wished John still had his secret. Wished they'd still be in bed together, snuggling. He wished he'd never insisted on doing more exploring, that John had never touched that stupid piece of art.

When the laptop beeped at him, Rodney double checked that all of the data was indeed gone, then he cleaned up his workstation and went back to his quarters. He needed to lie down or he would collapse, really. And Rodney would pass up a concussion any day. Walking through the empty corridors of a sleeping city was surprisingly peaceful. It also gave him too much time to think. About the way John had kissed him, how he'd done exactly what Rodney had wanted, how he'd snuggled up to Rodney after. Rodney shuddered at the thought of how John had practically worshipped him with math. John had given Rodney the ZedPM formulas. And suddenly John not telling him that he was Tural wasn't important anymore. He'd given him what they'd been looking for since they'd come here. A way to recharge their depleted ZedPMs. Sure, he hadn't thought Rodney would remember all that so clearly … but he'd still said it.

Being in his quarters was a challenge on its own. The bed, the room still smelt of John and sex, and Rodney had to resist the urge to rip the sheets off the bed. The truth was, he was too tired to do that now. Instead, he opted for opening one of the windows and letting in the cool breeze of a New Lantean spring night.

Bone deep tired, Rodney sank onto the rumpled sheets and pulled off his shoes. He needed to sleep or Carson would restrict him to the infirmary for real. As if in a trance, Rodney changed and went through his nightly routine, his mind on the topic of John and sex and trust.

Would he really prefer to still be clueless? Would he really prefer to be in the dark about who John really was? But that would also mean not knowing just how far John was willing to go for him. It would mean never having felt the unfathomable love John held inside of him. Love for Rodney of all people, if John could be believed.

Which was really what it all came down to. Believing John. Trusting John. Forgiving John. Loving John.

Things that shouldn't be so incredibly easy, yet still were. Rodney realized that it was the truth. He loved, trusted, believed, and yes, part of him had already forgiven John. It wasn't such a hard thing to do when one looked at John's situation from the right angle.

"There is so much I want to give you. So much I want to tell you but I just ... I can't. Not the way I'd really like to, anyway. But I'll do what I can, I promise." John, whose voice had been full of pain and regret. John, who had given Rodney so much already, who had gifted Rodney with the solution to two of the most dire problems of his whole career. The answers to two dire problems the whole Atlantis expedition currently faced.

Control crystals and ZedPMs.

Rodney sighed and got back up. He didn't bother getting dressed completely, just put on a fresh pair of trousers and slipped into his shoes without tying the laces. There was no way he could go to sleep. Not like this.

When he put his hand to the Ancient version of a bell, he didn't quite expect John's door to open immediately for him. Staggering inside, Rodney didn't know where to start and what to say. Instead, he just stared at John, who was standing in the middle of the room, looking at Rodney with a rather bewildered expression on his face. Like Rodney was the last person he had expected to come see him. Rodney immediately wished he'd just stayed in bed, tossing and turning. "I …" he started, and then stopped, unable to find the right words. "I don't know what to say, and I'm never lost for words," he complained. He watched John's eyes brighten at that. "You saved my life." A fact. They both knew it and John didn't say a word, he just nodded and sat down heavily on his tiny bed. "I was angry earlier, I say things when I'm angry that I don't entirely mean. And - to be fair - I think I had a right to freak out over this. But you're my friend … never mind who you were in a former life and I think you should know that I think that I love you, too." He looked at John expectantly. He wasn't sure what he'd wanted John to do, but sighing wasn't one of the possible reactions Rodney had considered.

"Rodney," John said, his voice so tired that Rodney felt awful for barging in like this. "You really shouldn't say that right now. Yes, I saved your life, but that doesn't mean you have to feel obligated to return my feelings. It's what we do, remember? Save each other's lives. You just found out something about me that - let's face it - changes everything. I really shouldn't have … I really shouldn't have done that. There's no excuse for my lack of control. I used to be so much better at that. If Chaya hadn't …" he trailed off and his expression was angry. "It doesn't matter," he continued tiredly. "You said you need some time and I kinda agree. Hell, I need some time to adjust. I'm all over the place right now."

The mention of Chaya's name really shouldn't have been like a red flag, not after so much time, but it was. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? What does Chaya have to do with anything right now?" Rodney asked heatedly. The anger still simmering just beneath the surface flared up again and he felt insanely jealous just from the memory. "This is about you and me, not about her. So what did she do that doesn't matter?" Rodney was fully awake now as Adrenaline sped through his veins.

"It doesn't matter," John repeated and got up from the bed and opened the door by hand. "I really think you should go now"

Rodney didn't think about leaving. "Not before you tell me what happened. Before we met Chaya, I thought there was something between us, that we were close, that we had potential. Then, after you saw her for the first time, you backed off like mad. You barely looked at me for weeks after she was gone again. Come to think of it, you stopped touching people entirely. What did she do to you?" Rodney asked again, furious as he put together the pieces bit by bit on his own. John had shut the door halfway through Rodney's rant, a pained expression on his face. Rodney viewed that as a point for him in this … well, it wasn't really a quarrel - yet.

"Rodney," John pleaded, but Rodney didn't let him finish what was obviously going to be a 'get the hell out of here, now'.

"No, John, no. Just tell me."

When John looked at Rodney he was pale and tense, Rodney could see the muscles in his neck bunch up. "She manipulated me, focussed my feelings entirely on her. I guess her reasoning was that if she couldn't have me, no-one should. And especially not you."

"What?" Rodney asked, not sure if he had understood that properly. "What exactly are you saying?"

"She knew I was in love with you," John said. "But I … John couldn't take the chance at the time. The uniform code actually meant something to him. He loved flying too much to risk it." Rodney hated the way John was talking about himself in the third person and the laugh that accompanied John's words wasn't pretty. "But Chaya knew I was going to take that step. Uniform code or not. We don't love easily, Rodney, not at all. Things are difficult that way for us. We married for duty and procreation more than anything else. And look where that got us, we died out. Because that's what happened. Some ascended, others were killed, the rest just faded away. You people are so passionate." John closed his eyes and frowned as if realizing just now what he was saying, how he sounded. "Our people are so passionate," he repeated. "She's always wanted me. It was never about our parents, she thought she was in love with me, but I'm a better empath than she is and I know she really wasn't. She liked the way I looked, and wanted the status she could gain by marrying me. That's all it was and she couldn't let go."

Rodney was afraid to say anything, to break the spell. John had never been so open before. He didn't usually bare himself like that and Rodney found himself holding his breath.

"John couldn't take the risk. But I can," John said and met Rodney's eyes for the first time since he'd started talking.

Unable to stay silent any longer Rodney asked, "And who exactly are you?" A lot hinged on that question for Rodney.

John smiled, not the charming grin he used whenever he greeted the natives, or the one he had for his men, or the one he reserved for his team. No, he smiled, his whole face lighting up. "I'm John. I'm just a bit," he paused, obviously searching for the right words, "more now." He went back to his bed and sat down again. "You really should go now, Rodney. I wasn't kidding when I said I used to have more control over myself," he looked slightly sheepish at that.

"What if I don't want to go?" Rodney asked stubbornly. He hadn't even known that until it slipped past him and right out of his mouth. It was true though, Rodney didn't want to leave.

With a frown John opened the door again, this time he stayed seated though. "I told you, I don't want you to do this out of false gratitude"

Slapping a hand over the sensor to close the door again, Rodney glared at John. "Have you ever known me to do something out of gratitude? Or to make split second decisions? I've been in love with you for ages; I just never thought you felt the same for me. Not after … well, not after Chaya anyway. You surprised me at the outpost and I really don't deal well with surprises. And when I figured out that you'd lied to me I thought … I don't know what I thought! I just, I don't want to lose this now just because I was an idiot. Even if this," he waved awkwardly between them, unsure what to call it, "doesn't work out, you're still my best friend."

"You said you need time," John countered, but he sounded less sure and there was an expression of hope on his face, one Rodney had rarely seen before. "And I really can't fault you for that. You can have all the time in the world if you need it."

Exasperated Rodney threw his hands in the air. "You can stop pretending to be stupid now, John, I know you aren't. Also? I'm a genius. When others need weeks to think it over, I can easily do it in hours."

John laughed. "Really? Hours?"

"Really," Rodney repeated and went to sit down next to John. "So can we go back to my room now so I don't have to fall out of bed and break my back when we try to sleep in this child's bed?"

Groaning John sagged against Rodney, "I don't know what I was thinking when I chose it and figured it would do. It took team night for me to realize there were other sizes available but by then I was too stubborn to get a new one."

"What?" Rodney asked and blinked, totally lost as exhaustion settled back into his bones.

"Rodney, it really is a bed for children."

"You're kidding me," Rodney said, but he was already laughing.

"Nope, totally the truth," John admitted.

"You'll get a new bed as soon as possible, but for now let's get to my quarters and get some rest. It's been one hell of a day and Ancient or not, all good little Colonels should be in bed. Mine preferably since it's adult size at least. Chop, chop, I've been waiting ages to get you into my bed, you don't think I'm giving that up again, do you? Now come on. You look like you're about to keel over," Rodney said in a rush, feeling giddy with relief. He grabbed John's arm and barely suppressed the urge to drag him away. Rodney wouldn't let John - or himself - think too long about this, either of them might change their mind again after all. And Rodney really did need some sleep now. He felt exhausted again.

But he was also strangely happy. John would be there with him. That would be enough for tonight. The problems could wait until morning. Rodney watched as John grabbed his jacket and they went to Rodney's quarters in silence. Normally Rodney would have done his very best to fill it, but it was actually quite nice to walk shoulder to shoulder with John. He'd tried to keep it light. For John, for himself. Both of them had had enough of serious talk for now and Rodney couldn't bear a continuation of a talk like that. Even though he knew that they weren't quite done yet.

Locking the door behind them Rodney took off his shoes and his trousers and crawled into bed. When the bed didn't dip next to him Rodney turned around. John was standing at the foot of the bed, hugging himself and looking a little lost. "What are you waiting for? A written invitation? I'll send you an e-mail tomorrow if you really insist on it."

John smiled wanly. "No, I'm feeling just a little ... awkward, maybe? A few hours ago you couldn't even look me in the eyes properly and now you're inviting me into your bed again. Things have changed, Rodney. And I'm really worried we're making a mistake here. I'm really crap at all this love and relationship stuff. You mean so much to me and I've hurt you once already today, I don't want to mess this up," John said and he sounded so helpless and tired.

Rodney sighed. He knew as well as John that they hadn't solved any of their problems yet. There was a lot to work through still, but Rodney had reached his limit of what he could take in one day. "John, can't we just go to sleep, please? I can't take any more talking right now. Yes, I know things have changed. I know working things out between us won't be anywhere as easy as we both might want, but you know what? Right now I don't care. All I want to do is get into bed with you, curl up against you and pretend the last few hours didn't happen. Let's pretend we just went to sleep wrapped around each other, like normal couples do, alright?"

John looked thoughtfully at him for a moment before he finally agreed, "Yeah, I can do that." He quickly undressed until he, too, was only in his boxer shorts and t-shirt. Then he did as Rodney had asked him and slipped under the sheets, an arm sneaking around Rodney's middle. He looked at Rodney for a while, then chastely kissed him on the mouth. "Good night, Rodney," he said and closed his eyes.

"Good night," Rodney whispered, wiggling around until they were just right. Finally he could close his eyes and let sleep take him.

Rodney woke slowly to the feeling of a warm body pressed up against him from behind. For a second he didn't know what to think of that, but then the memories of the past day came rushing back to him. John. Tural. ZedPM formulas. John saving Rodney's life. John trying to send him away. John shy and awkward and tired.

Huh.

Who would have thought that his first time having sex with John would lead to so many problems? Such huge revelations? That kind of thing had never happened when Rodney had fantasized about it.

Slowly, so as to not wake John, Rodney turned around to face his sleeping lover. As cliché as it sounded, John did look young and somehow vulnerable in sleep. What an irony. He had a ten thousand year old, powerful being in his bed and the man had the audacity to look like innocence personified. It so wasn't fair.

John was anything but innocent. John was ... John was an Ancient. Had been an Ancient. Rodney really wasn't sure what John was now, exactly. He wasn't ascended any more, like Chaya, but he wasn't human any more, either, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to do what he'd done in the outpost. Rodney would have to ask John about that. He'd have to ask John about a lot of things, actually.

Resisting the urge to brush a lock of hair away from John's forehead, Rodney thought about the situation he and John were in. He had promised John not to reveal who he was to anyone and Rodney had every intention to keep that promise. John's secret would be safe with Rodney.

All of John's secrets would be safe with Rodney. If John asked it of him, Rodney would even let someone else 'discover' how to make control crystals and Rodney knew he couldn't just simply show up with the knowledge of how to recharge a ZedPM, anyway.

Not that Rodney knew that ... yet. John had never finished the equation the night before and Rodney found he could wait. Just knowing that John knew and would share that knowledge with him eventually was enough.

John stirred, rubbing his face into the pillow slightly, tousling his hair even more. Until now Rodney had never believed that it did that kind of gravity defying thing on its own, but John seemed to have told the truth - his hair was standing up at impossible angles.

Somehow, Rodney thought it looked extremely sexy.

"Morning," John mumbled, his breath ghosting over Rodney's arm, his eyes still closed.

Rodney only ever got to see John waking up in the field. There he was up in a matter of minutes, wide awake and ready to face whatever was coming at them. Now all he did was shift closer to Rodney, his arm tightening around Rodney's waist even as a hand slipped underneath the t-shirt to caress bare skin. "Morning," Rodney answered as John buried his face in Rodney's neck. He could feel the smile on John's lips. "Sleep well?"

"Hmmm," John hummed, "yeah."

Yelping as John licked his neck, he pulled away a little. "What do you keep doing that for?"

"You taste nice," John said with an impish grin as he sat up on his side of the bed. Rodney was disappointed, he'd really liked snuggling. A lot. But John muttered something about 'tempting' and 'bathroom' and vanished into the adjoining room.

They passed each other, John going back to bed, Rodney using the head and Rodney felt that they were slowly working their way up on the awkward scale as they went. Rodney didn't know how to act around John. He still looked the same, but he wasn't the person Rodney had worked together with for the past few years anymore. What if John thought he was annoying now? What if this new … this John who was 'more' now figured that Rodney was less? When he'd taken as much time in the bathroom as he figured he could get away with reasonably, Rodney fidgeted and went back outside to find John sitting on the bed, facing the bathroom door.

"We need to talk, Rodney, we really, really need to talk. And I know how odd that sounds coming from me," John said seriously.

And for the second time while talking to John Rodney drew a blank. "I … uh … yes, yes we do," Rodney said, just to say something. "Need to talk that is. Talking is important. I heard that communication is the key for good relationships. So of course … talk." He stopped there from sheer embarrassment. John hadn't so much as moved, but he seemed to laugh on the inside at Rodney's predicament. "So talk," he demanded.

"Ask me," John simply said.

"What?" Rodney said, not sure how to take that. He fidgeted a bit, still exhausted from everything the day before. Then he huffed at his own ridiculousness and went to sit on the bed as well.

John shrugged. "Ask whatever you wanna know."

With a blink of surprise, Rodney turned to face John. Had he just heard that right or had John given him carte blanche to ask anything he wanted to know? Suddenly there were so many questions in his head that he didn't know which one to ask first. "I ... I ..." He stammered, totally lost for words again. "I don't know where to start. There's so much I want to ask, so many things we've not figured out yet. But ... didn't you say you can't tell me stuff? I mean you said you wanted to tell me but couldn't. Did that change? I mean ... can you just go and spill all the secrets and let me in on all the tricks and all? No, no of course you can't. And I think I don't want to know. Or well, I want to know, you know I do, but I don't want to know if I can't tell anybody else what I know. To use it. And if you told me now I couldn't, could I?" Rodney stopped his rambling at the slightly amused look on John's face.

Oh, damn what had he done? What did John think of him now? He'd made a complete idiot of himself. John had to think he was stupid or something, passing up on a chance like that. And maybe Rodney really was stupid. No, not maybe. Compared to John, to this new John, Rodney most certainly was stupid.

"Rodney, stop worrying so much and relax. I'm still me. I'm still John, remember? I was just offering you something I thought you wanted. I'm offering to tell you about who I was. About Atlantis they way she was back then. About ... well everything I can reasonably talk about, really. What the hell has you so wound up?"

"I'm used to being more intelligent than you," Rodney blurted out and hated himself for saying that not a second after it had left his mouth. "You said yourself you're more, but I didn't change. I'm still the same annoying, arrogant person I've always been." And Rodney was terrified of what that meant for the two of them, their friendship, their budding relationship … everything. "What if we don't fit together anymore now that you've got those memories back?"

John sighed and turned around to sit cross-legged on the bed, facing Rodney fully. He caught one of Rodney's flailing hands and stroked it gently. "Rodney," he started, and Rodney's heart beat faster at the seriousness in John's voice. "I've always cared a lot for you. Loved you. You mean more to me than any other person I've ever met. I've never felt this way before."

"You were married," Rodney said, unable to help himself.

John nodded. "And I got divorced. I married Nancy because it was expected of me, not for passion. It's a flaw of my entire race, Rodney. And I'm still enough of an Ancient to have retained that." He hesitated; playing with Rodney's fingers like it was the most important thing to do. "Tural never even took a lover," he finally said and he sounded a bit embarrassed. "It just wasn't important at the time. Though, I might have eventually married just to spite Chaya."

Rodney's jaw dropped open at that revelation. "You've … Tural … never?" he asked haltingly.

Grinning at Rodney's reaction John shook his head, "Not even a kiss."

"Wow," Rodney said, completely awed at the magnitude of what John was telling him. His protestation of never having 'felt this way before' started to paint a picture for Rodney that he wasn't sure he liked. Sure, he felt incredibly special all of a sudden, but he also felt … very sad for John. "Didn't you ever miss it? The closeness? The contact?"

"No." He shook his head slowly. "Never. We touched, that was enough."

Rodney snorted. "You're not exactly the touchy-feely kind of guy, John. No offense, but I can count the times you voluntarily touched anybody without going into triple-digits."

"It changed, after Chaya. She did something unspeakable to me, Rodney, something that left me starved for human contact. Under normal circumstances, this would be a case to bring to the Council. She wouldn't be given another opportunity to do harm after that," John explained, his voice entirely empty of emotion, but Rodney could see the anger burning in John's eyes. He didn't even want to know what John wanted to do to Chaya, he was sure it wouldn't be pretty. "Three years, Rodney," he suddenly said and he sounded desperate. "She had me enthralled for three years and I feel like a prisoner in my own skin. It's what makes controlling myself around you so damn hard. All I want is to reach out and touch you and I can't … help myself. It happens at the most inappropriate moments, too."

It took a bit for Rodney to realize that John's speech pattern had changed, that he sounded far more stilted and careful again than he'd done before. But it wasn't as creepy as Rodney had thought it would be. They were talking about the past and it seemed … natural that John would change when looking back on his life as Tural. Rodney watched John as he bit his lower lip, like he usually did when he was trying to work up to say something especially painful for him. John's eyes were on their entwined hands and now that Rodney knew, he could see John quivering with the effort of staying where he was. Startled, Rodney realized what kind of torture he was subjecting John to and pulled him closer. "Oh, come here," he muttered, lying back down with John practically on top of him. "No one's here, touch all you want."

With a muffled moan John buried his head in Rodney's shoulders, his free hand slipping underneath the hem of Rodney's t-shirt. Skin on skin. Gradually he relaxed against Rodney, sighing contently now and then. "Thanks," John finally said, "you have no idea how much I need that."

"You should have said something earlier." He really should have, Rodney would never let John suffer like that if he'd known … John had walked out on him last night, after their quarrel and only now Rodney realized what kind of sacrifice John had made for him. John had just left, giving Rodney room. Had offered Rodney all the time he needed. Had implied he'd keep his distance until Rodney had worked through it. And suddenly Rodney understood that John would have waited forever if he'd have had to. John would rather torture himself by staying away than pressure Rodney.

John shook his head and his hair tickled Rodney's chin. "No, I couldn't."

They stayed like that for what felt like hours, both content to be entwined with each other, to feel each other's heart beat, breathing together.

"What are we going to do now?" Rodney asked after a while. There had been enough talk about the past. John could tell him all that later, he didn't need to share everything at once. "I mean, the uniform code didn't go away and you're still Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, no matter how much you changed."

With a chuckle, John moved back, looked at Rodney and shrugged. "I don't care," he said. "By the time I was born, my people had moved past petty superficiality and it's hard for me to integrate the two mindsets. I just know one thing, if there is ever a choice between keeping my secret and staying with you, I'll pick you. Nobody can separate us if I have any say on the matter, and believe me, I do." There was a dangerous light in John's eyes and the words sounded like a promise in Rodney's ears. "I may not have my full powers, but I'm not helpless either. The uniform code means nothing to me, and you know as well as I do that the SGC is more open-minded. It might never become an issue."

Rodney thought of Caldwell. Of the brass at the Pentagon. He thought of how hard Elizabeth had had to fight to keep John. And how he'd finally been accepted as the best man to stay in command of the military on Atlantis. There was no telling what would happen if they figured out John didn't just get Tural's memories in a rather hazy way. For John's sake, he hoped they never had to test the open-mindedness of the SGC. Rodney nodded, "Yeah, you're right." He was just about to say something else when his stomach grumbled loudly.

"I think breakfast is in order," John said and untangled himself rather reluctantly.

Rodney sighed. He really didn't want to leave the room, didn't want to share John with the rest of Atlantis just yet. But he also knew that his hypoglycaemia would soon begin to be a problem. "I guess you're right," Rodney reluctantly agreed, sitting upright.

John had been in the process of getting up from the bed but hesitated now, turning back around to look at Rodney critically. "What's the matter, Rodney? You're usually quite happy to get something to eat. Is anything wrong?"

Rodney sighed again, unsure what to answer. It would sound so childish to say it out loud. "You'll think it's stupid if I tell you," Rodney said, avoiding John's searching look.

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that, Rodney? Nothing you've said or done lately has been stupid. So come on, tell me."

"I just don't want to go out there right now," Rodney suddenly said, the words spilling out even though he'd really tried to keep them inside. He was so good at keeping secrets, but somehow he couldn't seem to keep his thoughts on the inside while talking to John. It was disturbing. "We're finally getting somewhere and I don't want to … share you, I guess," he went on, raising his chin, daring John to mock him.

"There will be no sharing," John said. "My kind doesn't do that sort of thing."

"That's not what I …" Rodney started, but John was right in front of him with just a few steps, his arms coming up around Rodney's shoulders, pulling him into a searing kiss.

"I know," John whispered against Rodney's lips when they parted again. "But we've got a day of downtime and we're just going to breakfast. Today, I'm all yours."

Rodney smiled, "Under that condition breakfast is acceptable."

The end.