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Handle With Care
Tony heard voices in the kitchen and slowed to a stop outside the doorway. The voices… sounded pleasant enough. And it was his house. And he was Tony Stark. There was no reason not to go in. Except that he was wearing yesterday’s clothes and he was pretty sure he had oil in his hair. Should he go shower first? He should probably go shower first.
He turned and let out a tiny noise of terror when he found Natasha standing behind him. “Eep!”
Natasha raised an eyebrow at him, then looked him up and down. “…You look fine.”
Tony lifted his hand, then stopped halfway to his head, self-conscious. “I don’t—have oil in my hair?”
“You do, but I’m pretty sure they kind of expect you to be a mess.”
He frowned, brows furrowed together in confusion. “…They think I’m a mess?” he asked, unable to help feeling a little hurt.
Natasha wanted to kick herself for her choice of words. “No, I mean they expect you to be a little dirty after working all night in the workshop. Like, you wouldn’t expect a mechanic to be sparkling clean after work, right?”
Tony continued to frown at her even as he slowly answered, “I guess not.”
“And you’re basically a mechanic,” she continued, then grimaced. “I mean, of course the things you do go so much more intricate than basic mechanics but—”
“The only difference is that my experiments tend to go boom a lot louder,” the brunet admitted.
She nodded. “Right. So you’ll be fine.” She watched him shuffle his feet nervously. “…I will protect you.”
“I don’t need protection,” he scoffed, turning on his heel to walk into the kitchen.
Natasha raised her eyebrows expectantly, but he failed to actually move past the doorway. She sighed and rolled her eyes, stepping up beside him and wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “Come on, you big baby.”
“’m not a baby,” Tony grumbled as she made it look like he led her into the kitchen.
“Baby,” she whispered, smiling a little.
“Oh hey!” Clint called. “Look what the cat dragged in!”
Natasha felt Tony stiffen and, like an adult, stuck her tongue out at him. “You’re just jealous that I had a hot date last night.”
“No, actually, but how was your date?” the blond asked, ignoring Tony completely.
Tony shuffled over to grab a mug of coffee as she sat at the table and actually began chattering about what a horrendous date it was. Apparently it had been for some mission but she’d kind of been hoping the guy would check out because he was cute. He checked out, but was completely boring. Not a great date.
“Maybe Tony could set you up with someone?” Steve suggested, making him choke on his coffee, staining his shirt, his pants, and his socks.
Before anyone could say anything, he blurted out, “I left the blowtorch on,” and scrambled out of the room.
Once on the elevator, he groaned and covered his face, sliding down in the corner to sit. Now he definitely needed a shower, and to pre-treat his clothes. Smooth, Tony. Super smooth.
.-.-.-.
Steve paused as he heard someone mumbling, then started walking again, slowly. He peeked around the corner and nearly said something when he saw Tony standing in front of the mirror by the door, but then he realized… it was Tony mumbling.
“This is going to be a good meeting,” he was saying, leaning on the table beneath the mirror as he stared himself down. “You’re going to present five new ideas and the board is going to love at least three of them. You can sneak the other two in with them. Pepper said the board would like them. Pepper has never let you down.”
Steve covered his mouth to keep from making a noise because holy shit. Tony was giving himself a pep talk. That was so cute!
“So what if some of the board members are mean old sacks of garbage? You’re great. You’re going to put out a new gaming system, update StarkPhones, and revolutionize green energy. Again. You’ve put so much research into everything that they won’t find a single thing to bitch about. They have to accept your proposals. And you’re not even wearing mismatched shoes this time.”
Steve couldn’t help a chuckle at that.
Tony whipped around and looked betrayed for a fraction of a second before he just looked embarrassed, cheeks slowly filling with color.
“It’s okay,” Steve hurried to say, but the brunet still turned and ran out the door anyway. “Aw, Tony.”
When Tony got home, he tried to talk to him about it, but the brunet just went ‘eep’ and ran into the elevator again, so he figured he shouldn’t bring it up. He kind of wanted to wrap him in a blanket and never let the world touch him, though.
.-.-.-.
Bruce walked into Tony’s lab because he needed help with an experiment and stopped when he found Tony shaking his ass to a Taylor Swift song and holding one of his robots’ claws as he danced. He didn’t know what to make of this. He did kind of wish that he had brought his phone to take a picture though.
Sighing quietly, he called out, “Tony?”
Tony screamed and leapt onto his robot, turning to face him with a startled expression as JARVIS helpfully cut the music.
Bruce gaped at him as he watched the brunet flush brightly. “Oh my God.”
“…Knock first?!” Tony spluttered, dropping his feet back down onto the ground. He walked around the robot to hide, but he did a magnificent job of making it look like he was just checking to see if he’d knocked something off his robot when he jumped.
“I’m sorry,” Bruce told him sincerely. He should have realized—he himself was very private, surely Tony had to be as well. “I just wanted to ask for your help with something.”
“Well, I’m busy. Doing stuff. And things. Important things!”
Bruce bit his bottom lip to keep from smiling, because he got the feeling that Tony might think he was laughing at him if he didn’t. “Okay. Well, when you’re not busy doing stuff and things, would you mind coming and helping me with some tests on that slime that we were fighting?”
Tony paused in fussing with his robot, then continued fussing, more forcefully. “Maybe.”
“Okay,” Bruce said agreeably.
Tony did eventually come to help him with the experiments on the slime, but when Bruce said, “Nice moves, by the way,” it was clear that he wanted to flee immediately. How precious.
.-.-.-.
Clint came up beside Tony and said, “Hey, man, could you introduce me to the lady in the purple dress?”
Tony did not jump, but he did look startled. He turned to the blond and frowned. “What lady in purple?”
Clint nodded in her direction. “Her.”
“…That’s Lavender.”
“I don’t actually care what color it is,” Clint retorted, then nudged him with his elbow. “But introduce me to her.”
Tony opened his mouth, then closed it, frowning. “I guess I could? But I have to go talk to Natasha first so just meet me over there.”
Clint raised an eyebrow as the brunet turned and… scampered over to Natasha. That was weird. So he casually followed him over.
Natasha looked at him but said nothing, instead turning to Tony. “What is it?”
“How do I tell Clint that Lavender Parson is a lesbian who hates meeting new people and only comes to my galas because we grew up together and she thinks it’s her job to avenge my sensitive ass?”
Natasha said nothing for several seconds, instead staring at Clint, but she did eventually look back at Tony. “Avenge your sensitive ass?”
“You should have seen the smear campaign she made about Senator Stern during my trial. His approval rating dropped to thirty-one percent.”
She nodded slowly. She’d actually heard about it. “So you’re saying we should recruit her to S.H.I.E.L.D.?”
“She’s typically anti-government so please do not.”
Clint snorted with helpless amusement, making the brunet rip around, mortified. “Tony—”
“Not that there’s anything wrong with you wanting to meet her,” he added frantically.
“Actually, I just wanted to flirt with her,” the blond admitted. “But she actually sounds more awesome now.”
“Oh. Well.” Tony cleared his throat, cheeks going pink. “Well. I guess I can introduce you?”
Cling sighed, smiling at him. “You don’t have to, Tony. If she doesn’t like meeting new people, that’s fine. I’ll go flirt with someone else.”
“It’s not because you’re not good looking,” Tony insisted hurriedly.
It took everything not to laugh at the brunet. “I am aware that I have a penis, Tony.”
“I mean, she doesn’t hate men, she just doesn’t—”
“I get it, Tony,” Clint assured firmly. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
Tony looked like he was still fretting about it, but he did eventually nod, fussing with the drink in his hands instead.
Natasha sent Clint a smile and shook her head fondly, hooking arms with the brunet. “Dance with me.”
“But my drink,” Tony began.
Clint plucked both of their drinks from their hands. “Don’t keep the lady waiting, Stark.”
“Sorry,” Tony told Natasha as she quite literally dragged him over to the dance floor.
Clint chugged what was left of their drinks and then went to grab himself another one.
Later, Tony approached with Lavender on his arm. She was beaming. “Tony said you think I’m awesome. I’m not attracted to you but I could do with more friends who think I’m awesome.”
Clint blinked at her, surprised. “Is that okay? I actually sort of work for the government.”
“Honey,” Lavender sighed, rolling her eyes. “I’m friends with Tony, who also works closely with the government. I do actually allow my friends to have opinions.”
Tony looked back and forth between them, concerned. “Is this good? Is this okay?”
“Yeah, sweetheart,” she replied, patting his shoulder. “This is good. Your friend seems nice. I promise I won’t chew him up and spit him out.”
Tony still looked worried, so Clint clapped him on the back, smiling. “You’re so concerned, it’s adorable! We’re gonna be fine, Tony. And if I do end up beat up at the end of the night, I probably did something to deserve it.”
“…Well, alright,” Tony started reluctantly, then flinched when he heard someone calling his name. “Why the hell does Stone keep coming to my parties and bothering me?!”
Lavender glanced at Clint, lips pursed. He got the feeling that no one really liked Stone, whoever that was.
Clint wrapped an arm around Tony’s shoulders and drew him closer. “Looks like you’re my date tonight, Tony.”
“What.”
“I’ll protect you.”
“What.”
Lavender grinned. “Tony, your boyfriend is great. I like him.”
Tony looked up at both of them, confused and somewhat afraid. “What?”
“So we’re having a threesome if Stone asks,” she continued.
Clint had to try very hard not to laugh his ass off at the noise Tony made, because it sounded a hell of a lot like what a scream would sound like if someone had their mouth closed.
Clint got sent home for punching Stone in the face when he said something mean about Tony. It was worth it though. Lavender Parson made a fan site for him and he was the most popular Avenger for like… three weeks.
.-.-.-.
Thor walked into the recreational room of Avengers Tower just in time to see Tony throw his phone at the wall angrily. “Shield brother, what ails you?”
“I can’t get my speech right!” Tony exclaimed, then gripped at his hair, tugging every few moments. “My public relations team keeps sending it back.”
“I am sure that you will eventually succeed in your endeavors,” Thor told him. “You are both intelligent and persistent.”
The brunet kicked the floor petulantly. “…Thanks, I guess.”
Thor watched him begin to pace, frowning. “…Shield brother,” he said after a moment. “Would you perhaps accept my help? I have oft had to give rousing speeches to my shield brothers and sisters back home.”
Tony stopped pacing, frowning. “…No offense, Thor, but I feel like your rousing speeches might be a little different from my press conference about my new gaming system.”
“Well,” the blond replied, shrugging. “If you need someone to listen to your speech, I will gladly offer my time.”
“That,” Tony sputtered, cheeks taking on a red hue. “That’s not necessary-!”
“Shield brother,” Thor said, delighted. “You are most attractive when you blush!”
Tony let out a screech and ran from the room.
Thor made a cooing noise. “Midgardians are so tiny and cute.”
Tony did come back later though, looking nervous and clutching a sheaf of papers to his chest. “…You’ll really listen to my speech?”
Thor closed the book he was reading, a delightful saga of creatures called hobbits trying to destroy a ring of some sort. “Certainly, Tony.”
Thor did not understand a lot of what Tony said as he read his speech to him, but he did point out that he might change his tone in some places, and perhaps use smaller words in others. Midgardians could be incredibly intelligent—on their own. He’d found that Midgardians in groups could be pretty… dumb.
To his credit, Tony took his suggestions very seriously. He nodded and scribbled changes onto the papers, muttering to himself every once in a while.
“Thanks, Thor,” Tony finally said, still scowling at his speech. “I know you didn’t have to do this so I really appreciate it.”
“T’was no trouble,” the blond replied, smiling. “We are, after all shield brothers. I would not want to leave you to struggle on your own.”
The younger man looked up to smile at him. “Thanks, Thor!”
“And also your flushed face is incredibly endearing.”
Tony squawked, face flushing again. “Shut up! No it’s not!”
Thor opened his mouth to speak again, but then Tony grabbed one of the pillows on the couch and slapped him in the face with it, fleeing with his speech. He was kind of impressed by how much it hurt.
.-.-.-.
“Tony’s super shy and sensitive, so you have to be nice to him,” Natasha said as they stepped onto the elevator.
Sam stared at her in disbelief. “Tony is shy and sensitive? Tony Stark?”
“You wouldn’t think so from the way he acts for the camera,” Steve agreed, nodding. “But yeah, actually. He has to give himself pep talks before he leaves the house. It’s incredibly adorable. Sometimes I think my heart might actually burst when I catch him.”
“He actually worries an awful lot about what people think of him,” Natasha continued. “He is delicate. If you make him cry, I will stab you.” She paused. “…But gently. Because I like you.”
Sam gave her an appalled look. “Oh my God. Why on earth would I ever want to make him cry anyway? What kind of awful person would I have to be to want to do that?”
She turned and gave him an appraising up-and-down. “…My opinion of you has gone up by thirty percent.”
Before Sam could say anything, the elevator stopped, sooner than the other two expected apparently by the way they frowned in confusion.
The doors opened to show Tony Stark standing in front of them, clutching a cup of coffee that looked more like a bowl. He was wearing a pair of ratty sweatpants and a tank top that was covered in oil stains and had some singed spots. There was oil in his hair. And when he registered that they were staring at him, he looked horrified.
“This is Sam Wilson,” Steve said, not drawing attention to his less than stellar appearance. “I told you about him.”
Tony squeaked, shuffling back a step, and Sam realized he was not wearing any shoes on his socked feet.
Steve bit the inside of his cheek to keep from cooing at him. “I was thinking he could be part of the team.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Stark,” Sam said, taking a step forward and holding his hand out.
Tony squeaked again, mortified. “Why do you people always have to see me when I look like I’ve crawled out of the trash?!”
“I think you’re adorable,” Natasha cooed, reaching out to pat his arm, but he was hurrying away before she could even make contact.
Sam gaped after him.
“…See?” Steve said, smiling. “He’s so self-conscious. It’s kind of sad, but also endearing? I kind of want to wrap him in a blanket and never let him leave the tower.”
“That is edging into some serious fairytale bullshit, Steve,” Sam told him, even though he could kind of see why he wanted to. That was seriously cute. He kind of wanted to go after him and wrap him in a hug.