Chapter Text
“Wanna get drunk tonight?”
Tony looked up in surprise, blinking at Natasha and Bruce. When had they arrived? The last thing he remembered was coming home from a meeting and deciding that he’d sit down at the kitchen table to look at the contracts Pepper had given him. He’d gotten completely absorbed, becoming more and more incensed the further he read. No wonder Pepper had snorted when he’d ask when she needed them back by. There was no way Stark Industries was signing this.
“Hello in there,” Natasha said, knocking gently on his forehead. She had a plate of toasted apple strudels in front of her, and she took a bite of one.
“I’m here,” Tony said, pushing her hand away. “I just… I was lost in the idiocy of other people, that’s all. What did you say?”
“Do you want to get drunk tonight?” she repeated.
“Oh. Uh, no. I’m good,” Tony said, looking back down at his contract to avoid the surprised looks that both she and Bruce were giving him. Normally he would’ve said yes: getting drunk with Natasha, and by extension Clint, was the best. Both of them were full of stories, and, when drunk and comfortable, were willing to share things that you would otherwise never be able to pry out of them. Tony had heard some very intriguing details about Coulson, Fury and a mission in Tokyo that he was just waiting to blindside Fury with.
“Are you okay?” Bruce asked. “Is this about Steve?”
Tony’s stomach flipped at the sound of Steve’s name. Steve had been gone on a mission by himself for four days now, which was one day longer than he’d initially said it would be. Coulson said it was supposed to be fairly routine, but Steve had dropped off the grid and no one had heard from him. The mission itself didn’t appear to have been compromised, so no one could tell whether Steve was in trouble or had delayed contact to keep the mission intact.
“I’m fine,” he said, forcing a smile. It was a lie. Tony was terrified. He could understand SHIELD’s reluctance to barge in with guns blazing, but this was Steve. It took all of Tony’s self control not to put on the armor and go find out what was going on himself.
Natasha’s eyes narrowed. “But you don’t want to get drunk?”
“Nope. I have other plans tonight. Sorry. Rain check?” Tony stood, scooping up the contracts. The papers were getting all messed up, but he didn’t care. He needed to get away from the knowing looks. That was the annoying part about sharing the tower with the team: they were more than just roommates now. They were friends, if not family, and they all knew him too well.
But what Natasha, Bruce and Thor didn’t know, and Tony was determined to keep it that way, was about the very special relationship Tony and Steve had. It wasn’t just his boyfriend that Tony was missing, it was his daddy. And as the minutes without word from Steve ticked by, Tony was finding it harder and harder to not slip into his little headspace. He was managing to keep it back by the skin of his teeth, but anything that lowered his inhibitions or his control was not a good idea right now.
Chances were he’d pay for declining later. They’d be all worried about him spending too much time alone now. With any luck, they’d send Clint in to ask questions. Clint would understand the best how Tony was feeling, considering that he felt the same way whenever Coulson went on a mission without him. It was possible that they’d send Coulson, but Tony hoped not. One look at Coulson’s kind face and he’d crumble into pieces.
He hid from the team for the rest of the day, occupying his time with conference and video calls. Pepper certainly approved – they worked through a stack of stuff that had been sitting on her desk for months – but Tony was left feeling more at a loss than ever when they finally hung up. He checked his phone, but of course there was nothing from Steve. JARVIS would’ve alerted him immediately if there was.
“Steve, where are you?” he whispered, locking his phone and sliding it back into his pocket. He put his elbows on the desk and buried his face in his hands. The urge to cry was almost overwhelming. He fought to push it back, struggling to keep himself under control. Falling to pieces wouldn’t help anyone right now.
But control had been much easier before he and Steve got together, though. Don’t get Tony wrong: he loved age playing. He loved the attention, the affection, the care that age playing afforded him. But it did have some negative side effects. It was harder to keep his mask up around the team, especially Steve. He could still keep his cool where it counted, but things like this? He just wanted to cry and have someone rush to his side and comfort him.
After several minutes of some deep breathing exercises Bruce had taught him, Tony felt slightly calmer. “JARVIS, where’s the team right now?”
“Agent Romanov and Dr. Banner are in the living room watching a movie. Agents Coulson and Barton have just returned home from SHIELD. Agent Barton is getting ready to join those in the living room, but Agent Coulson is on his way down here,” JARVIS replied.
“Shit,” Tony breathed, scrambling to his feet. For about two seconds, he seriously contemplated going into black-out mode and disallowing Coulson access. But that would only get him punishment when Steve got home. One of their hard and fast rules was that Tony was never allowed to lock himself in the workshop if he was starting to feel or felt little, and somehow Steve always knew.
Plus that would only serve to worry Coulson and the rest of the team, and Tony didn’t feel right doing that when they were all already worried about Steve. They didn’t need to be concentrating on Tony right now. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, wondering just what his life had come to when he was so concerned about other people, and braced himself for Coulson’s entrance.
“Tony,” Coulson said, walking straight into the workshop. He looked tired, as he often did when he came home from a full day (or more) at SHIELD. He’d already been to the floor he and Clint shared, since he was dressed in jeans and a golf shirt rather than the three-piece suit he’d left that morning in.
“Agent,” Tony replied, schooling his face and giving nothing away. “Can I help you?”
Coulson just looked at him for a moment, then sighed. “Don’t do this, Tony. Don’t try to lock yourself away. I’m here for you, okay? Just me and you. I’m here.”
“I’m fine,” Tony said. He meant to sound aggressive, meant to warn Coulson off, but instead the word came out as half-sob, his voice breaking. He started to turn away, embarrassed.
But Coulson was there, across the room so fast that Tony wondered if he’d developed teleportation as a side skill without telling anyone, pulling Tony into a hug. Tony resisted, tensing up and biting his lip. He really didn’t want to give into his headspace right now. He was too aware that at any moment, the Avengers alarm might go off because Steve needed them – and another one of their hard rules was that Tony wasn’t allowed to pilot the armor when he was little.
“It’s okay if you’re scared and worried about Steve,” Coulson murmured. “You don’t need to be strong all the time. We’re here for you to lean on if you need us.”
“But I need to be strong,” Tony said, frustrated. “For Steve.”
“I know, but Steve wouldn’t want you to push your headspace away if you needed it.”
“I don’t,” Tony lied.
Coulson pulled away slightly to give him a look of disbelief. “Really?”
“Yes! No. I don’t know. I’m functioning. Isn’t that enough?”
“That’s your choice. I won’t push you one way or the other, but I am here if you need me. So is Clint. We’re going to age play tonight. Clint needs it, and so do I. It was a long day. So if you want to come by…” Coulson trailed off and reached up to smooth the collar of Tony’s shirt. “You know Clint loves having you around to play, and I don’t mind.”
“I’ll think about it,” Tony said. He wanted to say no, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Coulson had been so good about stepping in when Steve was away.
Coulson smiled. “That’s all I ask. Now come on. I was sent down here with strict instructions to bring you back with me.”
“I guess skipping supper is out of the question.”
“You’ll have Natasha down here if you try.”
That was a fate far worse than suffering through supper with everyone. Tony shook his head and told JARVIS to power everything down as he followed Coulson out of the workshop and into the elevator. He really didn’t feel like eating until he found out Bruce had made curry. Bruce’s curry was amazing and he didn’t make it that often, so Tony’s appetite came back in a hurry.
The supper wasn’t too bad, as it turned out, and the Avengers dispersed shortly after to do their own activities. Thor had a date with Jane. Bruce had an experiment he wanted to start. Natasha didn’t say where she was going, but, given that she left the tower in an evening gown, Tony figured she probably had a date too. Clint and Coulson disappeared upstairs together, of course.
So he was alone in his bedroom, half-heartedly think about going to bed, when JARVIS spoke to him. “Sir, I have discovered some new data about the whereabouts of Captain Rogers’ disappearance.”
“What?” Tony turned quickly, heart pounding. Was this it? Were they going to find Steve? He waited with baited breath as JARVIS pulled the data up. Steve’s last known location was in a very small European country. Tony had researched the country, but nothing he’d found seemed helpful even though SHIELD seemed convinced that there was something worth looking into.
It took him a moment to understand what he was looking at. And when he did, he kind of wished that he hadn’t. What JARVIS was showing him should have, in theory, had nothing to do with Steve. It was one of the many Winter Soldier location programs that Tony had running all the time. He and Steve had come to an agreement that, unless the probability of the Winter Soldier actually being there was higher than 75%, Steve wouldn’t go. There were just too many missions where it wasn’t the Winter Soldier after all, or the Winter Solider was long gone, and Steve had been spending too much time away from the tower.
Right now, JARVIS was indicating that the probability was at 74% in the exact same country Steve had been sent to.
Tony stared at the results for several minutes, feeling sick to his stomach. 74%. That was pretty damn close to their line. Had Steve received this data? Tony had it set up directly to go to Steve’s phone. JARVIS didn’t monitor it all the time. Maybe Steve wasn’t missing at all. Maybe he’d gotten this alert and decided to check it out. Maybe he’d just decided that he could be quick and so he didn’t need to tell Tony or anyone else. Maybe all this worrying Tony was doing was for nothing.
An ugly little voice inside of Tony whispered that maybe this was the moment when Steve chose the Winter Soldier, chose Bucky, over him.
“Sir?” JARVIS prompted gently. “What would you like me to do with this data?”
“Send it to Natasha,” Tony whispered. The lump in his throat made it impossible to speak out loud. He’d never shared his fears of being abandoned with Steve, though he was pretty sure that certain people – Coulson, Clint, maybe Natasha – had guessed. Back when Coulson had had to step up because Tony crashed while Steve was gone, Steve had come to the conclusion that Tony was just feeling neglected. And Tony had never told him the whole truth. He was afraid.
Everyone knew what Steve and Bucky meant to each other. There was too much of a chance that Tony couldn’t compete. He sank down onto his bed, at once numb and nauseous, mind filled with images of Captain America and the Winter Soldier going on the run together.
Maybe this was the moment when Steve never came back.