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Luke threw his hands in the air in frustration and let his elbows sit on the keys of the piano as he rubbed his temples. His deep sigh was masked by the sound of random keys being pressed unknowingly. Ashton peered from behind the door of the room and saw the love of his life, close to tears, as he no longer remembers the notes to the song Luke wrote for their wedding day.
Luke kept unlocking his jaw, waiting for a certain "pop" sound as he tried to hold back his tears; trepidation ran in his veins. He couldn't even remember his own song-- what if there comes a time he won't even remember Ashton?
Suddenly remembering the brown haired boy, Luke turned his head and sees him peering worriedly on the doorway, brown eyes looked inquisitively and sadly at the scene unfolding before him. Luke nods him over and Ashton takes a hesitant step before running towards him and enveloping him in his arms. He was scared, and Ashton could see this in his bright blue eyes. He was scared of Ashton's inevitable oblivion in Luke's world and he hated that. He hated that one of these day's he'd look at the brown haired boy and not have a clue that he was the love of his life.
Ashton sat on Luke's lap and Luke's large span of hands sat comfortably on his waist. Ashton touched one piano key, then another, then another, and soon the familiar tune of his part in their wedding song began to play. It was a duet that they played for their audience at their wedding day; a song they both wrote, a song that was theirs. Hearing only Ashton play it made it seem like a foreign melody; the lack of Luke's part made it seem different.
As Ashton kept playing Luke let his forehead touch his shoulder as he gently squeezed the boy. He couldn't help but let a few tears fall as Ashton soon began playing his solo of the song.
Ashton's heart ached as he felt Luke's tears wet the back of his shirt. He kept playing, letting the notes fly around their home for a sense of comfort. Luke's hands were shaking, but he let himself feel everything: the music, Ashton's warmth, and the pain and love he was feeling in his heart. He let himself feel everything as if it was his last time because he never knew when that may be.
,,,
Ashton twists the key and pushes open the door with a grunt. He drops the key by the bowl near the door as he puts the paper bag of wedding favors and Luke's jacket on the spot near the tv as he plops down on the sofa with a sigh. It was a long and tiring night; Calum's wedding lasted for hours and Ashton was beyond tired. He wants nothing more than to either have a bubble bath or a long nap.
Luke entered the threshold a few minutes after Ashton did. He was only in his white long sleeves with his bow tie messily untied by his neck. He has his hands in his pockets as he looks down at the floor, closing the door behind him and sat down next to Ashton. He looked like he was thinking deeply about something. Ashton stared at him for a while, gauging what it could possibly be.
"Ash," Luke asked gingerly as he fiddled with his fingers "I'm slipping, aren't I?"
Ashton readjusted his position so he was facing the blond boy, who looked down at his fingers with a sad expression. He took his hand and placed it on the blue eyed boy's cheek as he let him face him. Their eyes meet and Ashton could see the sadness and fear in Luke's eyes.
"Well," Ashton was hesitant in answering, because yes, he was slipping.
For instance as they were getting ready, Luke bounded down the stairs wearing what appeared to be swim wear granted that it was Spring. After much reminders, Ashton helped Luke get ready in his dry cleaned tux. Just to test his memory, Ashton asked if Luke knew where they were going, and why they were dressing up the way they were.
"Hon, do you know where we're going?" Ashton had asked, taking his slacks and helping Luke put it on one leg at a time.
"Y-yeah." Luke answered hesitantly "it's a wedding, right?"
"Yeah." Ashton stood up from his crouching position and fetched Luke's white long sleeves "whose wedding?"
Luke squinted his eyes – as if it would help him remember – as he outstretched his arms, wearing his long sleeves "um, C-"
Ashton stood in front of Luke to button up his shirt and sees the struggle in Luke's eyes. It was on the tip of his tongue, Ashton could tell, but he couldn't really quite make it out.
"C- I, don't remember." Luke said, defeated. He looked down at his feet and started fiddling. "I'm sorry."
"Hey," Ashton lifted Luke's chin with his forefinger as their eyes meet "it's okay. It’s Calum's wedding. Remember him?"
Ashton took out his phone to show Luke a photo of his best friend. Luke took the phone in his hands and stared at Calum's photo intently.
"Yeah, he's getting married to Michael." Ashton swipes and shows a photo of Michael laughing gleefully.
"Calum. Michael." Luke said as if he was tasting the words in his mouth.
"Yeah, they're getting married. It's beautiful, really." Ashton smiled hoping not to let Luke show his true emotions: worry and dread. Luke was already starting to slip, his worst nightmare was coming true. What if they woke up one day and he couldn't remember Ashton anymore?
The entire car ride there consisted of Ashton thinking. What was he going to do? He didn't quite know how to deal with the changes that are happening so quickly. Soon, Luke was going to be forgetting more than just Calum and Michael; it was inevitable and it scared him. He looked over to the passenger seat and saw Luke looking out the window. He removes his hand from the gear stick and takes Luke's hand in his. Luke's eyes meet his, then their intertwined hands, and he smiles. Ashton let out a smile of relief. There was nothing he could do, but to cherish this Luke. The Luke that remembers him. He has to stay calm for the both of them since he knows that if he was scared, Luke was probably scared too.
However, that was easier said than done.
The reception was a whole other can of worms. It consisted of a lot of people; most of it mutual friends of Calum, Michael, Luke and Ashton. Ashton was nervous, what if Luke didn't remember people who approached him? What was he going to say to them?
"Buddy!" Calum went and hugged Luke, with Michael following suit, who hugged Ashton.
Ashton saw from the corner of his eye that Luke had stiffened up as Calum hugged him. Calum retracts "what's wrong bud?"
Luke looked at Ashton which made Calum look at him, confused, then back at Luke. Calum saw how foreign Luke's eyes were and how his best friend no longer remembers him. Everything clicked in his brain as his hands flew to his mouth in shock.
"Oh my god." Calum said with a sigh as tears began filling his eyes. He gave Luke another warm hug as he softly sobbed on his shoulder. His bestfriend no longer remembers him and that hurt.
Michael took his weeping husband as Luke said 'I'm sorry' repeatedly with sad eyes. This was taking a toll on everyone and it sucked. Calum pulled him to the side however and asked if it was what he thought he was and Ashton's wall broke down as he nodded and crumbled to the floor.
"What if he doesn't remember me Cal? What then? I'm so scared. I don't know what to do." Ashton said as he cried, crouched on the floor. Calum dried his tears, huffed, and helped the younger man up, holding him by his shoulders.
"Then you love the heck out of him till he remembers." Calum said, his voice was shaky with all the crying but he was firm, trying to get his point across. "he loves you Ash, and with all this he's going to be really confused and he might not remember a lot about the two of you but I know he'll feel safe with you, so you take good care of him, you hear me? Don't give up. What you have is special, don't let Alzheimer's take away something like that."
Ashton took this to heart.
However, now looking at the distraught boy in front of him Ashton didn't know how he could stomach moments like this. How could he look at Luke being so upset and not want to cry? He hated seeing the blonde boy so sad that he wanted to potentially just wrap him in bubble wrap to stop anything from harming him.
"Yes," Ashton whispered after a long silence "you are slipping, a little."
Luke looked at him, his big blue eyes started filling with tears as he buries his head in his hands "what if I forget you? I don't want to forget you Ashton, I love you too much I-"
"Shhhh.." Ashton said, "breathe." Ashton took Luke and let him sit on his lap. He hugged the lanky boy to his chest "I'm scared too. But don't you worry, even if you forget me I will always be right here, loving you. I'll keep you safe, I promise."
Ashton hugged Luke then carried him to their bed so they could sleep. It was almost as if Ashton didn't want to sleep. He wanted to stay in this moment because every day was a gamble, he didn't know how much Luke would remember – or forget – once they both wake up again and it scared him.
Ashton cuddled Luke that night as tight as he could, feeling his body against his, a last sense of familiarity.
,,,
A new dawn breaks. Sunlight peeks through the blinds Ashton had wrestled the night before. Luke was feeling particularly ill and therefore did not appreciate any open air and sweetly told Ashton if he could please put the blinds down for that night. Ashton did so, with a little sense of protest since their blinds have always been a pain to put down, and tussled with the string as Luke watched fondly with a soft smile on his lips.
Ashton stretches his arm over his head and made dinosaur noises, his shirt riding up as he woke his muscles up. He then yawns as he swung his feet over the edge of the bed to walk towards the blinds.
"Hello old friend." He said as he held the string between his fingers "we meet again."
After a few strong and exasperated tugs and curses from the curly headed boy, Ashton had finally managed to put up the blinds. The sun filled the room as he finally began to see their messy belongings thrown about, their bed and the blonde haired boy snoring sweetly lying on it. He smiles softly, a fond expression filling his face as he quietly makes his way back to bed. He lay down on his side and simply watched his husband as he slept. Luke's lips were parted as steady breaths emanated from it; his hands were in front of his face holding his pillow as his eyelashes rest on his cheekbones, something Ashton had always adored. Luke was breathtakingly flawless and while Ashton didn't fall in love with him solely for his looks, it definitely was a plus. There was never an occasion in which Luke didn't take Ashton's breath away.
Luke began to stir and Ashton watched his eyelids flutter open, revealing the beautiful baby blues he fell in love with since day one. They look at him blankly, not quite what he had expected, then they dart around the room slowly, almost as if in confusion. Luke took everything in an alarmingly moderate pace, as if trying to remember what he was doing there. Ashton watched him carefully and sadly. Blue eyes return to him as if demanding answers.
"Bub?" Ashton softly mutters "something wrong?"
Luke didn't seem so sure. He glances around the room one last time then back to the curly headed lad. He hasn't spoken since he had woken up, and this worries Ashton greatly. He slowly puts his hand above Luke's that was lying on the pillow, their wedding bands touching ever so slightly creating a soft "ting".
Ashton didn't know what he was expecting. Perhaps some sort of epiphany; Luke's blue eyes would shine and he'd hug him to his chest or maybe even turn his hand over to hold his and intertwine their fingers, making Ashton's heart skip one too many beats as he smiles fondly at the blue eyed boy. However what did happen was Luke looking at their hands inquisitively, almost as if he was unable to comprehend why their hands were the way they were. There was a crease on the space between his eyebrows and his lips were in a small pout.
Right then and there Ashton was hit with a slap of reality that Luke's sickness was beginning to act up. He felt a slight pang in his heart at Luke's foreign eyes. They used to be so loving, so soft but now they were so confused and scared and Ashton wanted nothing more than for Luke to suddenly smile mischievously and scream out "ha! I got you!" And maybe even give him a slight noogie while saying "my poor, gullible husband. You know I'd never forget you!"
Instead what Ashton got was cold dread and dead air. Luke's eyes were asking one too many questions that his lips could not mutter. He didn't know what to do, where to start. There was no training for loving someone with Alzheimer's. It kind of just happened. What he did do was shed a tear- which added to Luke's confusion. He wrapped his hands around the confused boy's and gently put it on his cheek, covering his hand and squeezing. It was something Ashton loved doing, because afterwards he gets to see the fond look in Luke's face as he caressed his cheeks, his thumb lightly brushing against his cheekbone.
"I'm going to make breakfast, okay?" Ashton said before removing himself from the bed and making his way to the kitchen with a heavy heart.
---
It was 3:30 in the afternoon.
At times like these Luke and Ashton would often find themselves in their music room. Ashton would be curled up on the couch, a good book in his hands and glasses perched on his nose while Luke sat on the piano with his hand on the keys and a sheet nearby or on the bean bag with a guitar in his arms. Tea was a necessity, as Ashton would always brew one for the both of them as they both did their own thing.
Today however, Luke was sat on the couch parallel to Ashton. Ashton's feet were on Luke's lap as he softly read Luke's favourite book, "Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the Universe" to him. Ever since Luke became forgetful, he would no longer play music, or any kind of instrument or even sing. He was usually very quiet and very sombre, always sizing up the place as if he never really got used to it. One day however at 4:35, Luke broke the silence and said "what are you reading?"
It took all of Ashton to not choke on his tea as he was mid sip. He was used to the quiet, used to Luke looking around as if he was always in a foreign place every day. He would lie if he said that hearing Luke's raspy voice after days of silence didn't make his heart skip a beat like a love sick teenager. "I'm reading your favourite book, its Ari and Dante." Ashton showed the cover to the blue eyed boy who read it silently as he put his tea down beside him.
"It's my favourite?" Ashton nodded, licking his thumb before turning a page "could you read it to me? What's it about?"
"How about I start over?" Ashton said trying to hide his excitement. It's been weeks and having any sort of conversation with Luke after so long made him very happy. "It's mostly dialogue, can you keep up with me?"
Luke nods. Ashton began to read the conversation of Ari and his mother to him and Luke intently listened as he picked on Ashton's batman socks.
Today Ashton was on the part where Dante was trying to save a little bird and Ari jumped in before he got hit by a moving car. Luke was listening intently, occasionally scoffing or laughing or maybe even asking a question every once in a while when he didn't understand something, or even a snarky remark regarding Ari's refusal about his feelings for Dante; a common argument between the two of them.
"Ashton?" Luke interrupted Ashton mid-sentence. Ashton peers at him over the book and asks "what?"
They both stare at each other, as if in a staring contest and they were staring each other down to see who would just give up. Luke looked at him with so much questions in his eyes and Ashton wanted nothing more than to just take him in his arms and hold him there, to kiss him like they did back then. But he can't anymore, because the man looking back at him at that moment won't kiss him back, but rather just sat frozen and look confused or maybe even push him away because even though he sees the blonde hair the blue eyes the plump lips Ashton knows that Luke's mind wasn't in the same place as his was and that hurt him. It hurt him that no matter how hard he tries he can't do anything to change the man in front of him. To bring them back to more favourable terms.
"Why are you here?" Luke begins to ask.
Ashton didn’t know what to say as the book drops down slowly onto his lap, his fingers still lying between the pages he was reading. He didn't know what Luke meant- but he tries to decipher it in his mind. He clears his throat, takes his bookmark and slips it between the pages as he asks "what do you mean?"
"Why are you here? With me?" Luke repeats "who am I to you?"
It was a question Ashton had dreaded ever since he heard the words "early onset Alzheimer's". "Who am I to you?" how was Ashton ever going to squish 5 years' worth of marriage and 2 years' worth of friendship into a conversation without scaring him away? Or overwhelming him in any way? Ashton bit his lip and looked around the room as he tried to find something, anything, that might help him with his current case. He sees the piano and decided that maybe there was a way. He drops the book beside his tea and takes Luke's hand in his, saying a soft "follow me." before making his way to the piano with Luke in tow.
Ashton sat down and opened up the cover of the sleek white piano. Luke kind of just stood, unsure of what to do. After Ashton reassuringly pat the seat beside him, Luke sat down. It was their usual position; Luke sat on the left and Ashton on the right side of the piano since Luke covered the lower tones and Ashton the higher ones. Luke looked confused as he stared at Ashton with bewildered eyes. Ashton raised his index finger, before pressing a note, soon another, then another, and soon their wedding song began to play. He looked so concentrated, with his eyebrows furrowed and his fingers working wonders as music once again began to fill their home. Ever since Luke had forgotten, Ashton refused to play any of the instruments out of pain because it was something Luke had loved. It didn't feel right playing them without him right beside him, playing or singing along. For the first time in months, music had been heard inside their household and Ashton missed the feeling. It felt like a home again and he loved it.
Luke sat and listened, not asking any more questions. Though, yes, Luke didn't exactly remember and Ashton didn’t exactly answer his questions, he let him play anyway because something felt familiar with the tune Ashton was playing and he loved it. He loved not being confused anymore. He loved the feeling of familiarity he hasn't felt in weeks. Despite it still being strange, Luke permitted himself to lie his head on Ashton's shoulder and close his eyes, listening to every note softly run around the house and Ashton's singing voice gently lull him to comfort. He didn't know what this feeling was, or why he was feeling this way but he loved it and he wasn't going to let his confusion ruin this one sense of familiarity for the first time.
-----
Ashton was awoken by the piano playing.
He immediately rises off the bed and looks beside him to see Luke missing, alarm immediately filled his chest as he rid himself of the covers, completely unfazed by the fact that he was only wearing boxer shorts. He ran to their music room and sees Luke sitting there on the piano, pressing the keys gently as if he was familiarizing himself with them. Ashton's heart soared at the picture in front of him; Luke, in all of his shirtless glory, sat down in front of their ivory white piano, the moonlight hitting him just right to make his pale skin seem as if he was glowing. After playing a few notes Luke put two hands on his side of the piano and began playing, it was a tune familiar to him and Ashton had to steady himself on the door frame as he realised what it was.
It was Luke's part in their wedding song.
Ashton took slow steps towards the piano as Luke kept playing, it was almost as if he was afraid he would ruin it if he moved too quickly. Luke kept playing, every key perfectly plucking the strings in Ashton's heart as tears began to fill his eyes. His world stopped, and at that one pivotal moment hope rose in his chest that maybe everything could be the way it was once before.
Luke stopped after a while, and Ashton was right beside him as he did. Luke was staring down at the piano keys and Ashton was just staring at his golden blonde locks, stunned and amazed at how beautiful his husband was. He took one of Luke's hands that was resting, but not pressing, on the piano keys and let it touch his cheek. With this action, Luke looked up and stared as Ashton gently placed his hand on his cheek, gently nuzzling his face on his palm. Ashton could all but shout as the familiar fondness began to feel Luke's eyes and his thumb began brushing his cheekbone.
"Ashton." he sighed and Ashton dropped down to his knees and unashamedly cried in front of his husband.
He remembered. He remembered!
Luke still sat confused but Ashton rushed to get off his knees and hugged him.
"I love you! I love you I love you I love you." he whispers hurriedly, afraid that this moment wouldn't last forever and be harshly snatched away "I love you so so much I love you."
Luke wrapped his arms around Ashton, squeezing ever so gently in the amazing way Luke's hugs always was. "I love you." he whispers and Ashton kept replaying that I love you in his head as he took Luke's face in between his hands and kissed him.