Chapter Text
✵
SOONYOUNG DOESN'T REALLY know what point they're at, now. Since that night on his roof, he's gone for a few more kisses - just small ones, soft on Jihoon's cheeks and nose, and his forehead, and his lips, and -
And the response hasn't exactly been discouraging. Jihoon smiles something tiny and fond and his cheeks go all red, so it must be a good thing, although they haven't gone further than that; that is to say, they haven't talked about it. Are they dating? Are they just really good friends? If that's the case, Soonyoung is calling serious bullshit. This is not what really good friends do.
But maybe Jihoon doesn't know that. Or maybe he doesn't want to call Soonyoung his boyfriend. Maybe Soonyoung should stop being greedy and just be happy with what he's got.
Maybe he should just not think about it too much.
"Oh, that looks fun," is the first thing Soonyoung says when he meets Jihoon at the café. He's got a mug of hot chocolate in one hand, Jihoon's latte in the other, and he's looking at the study guide spread out across the table.
"Shut up," Jihoon groans. "I fucking hate chemistry. I'm going to fuck up the entire periodic table with my bare hands."
"Good luck with that."
Soonyoung likes helping Jihoon study; firstly, because he loves to rub in the fact that he's by far the best at science between the two of them, and secondly - well, Jihoon's just really cute when he's frustrated. And he's always frustrated when it comes to chemistry.
"I'm going to cry Soonyoung. I will sob. There's no way I'm not failing this test."
"Shush, you'll do great."
"No. I really won't."
"Yes, you will, because I'm helping you. You don't think I'm going to let you fail, do you?"
Jihoon gives him a look, one that's torn between absolute distress and something a little warmer, a little more appreciative. Soonyoung tries to shoot back the brightest grin he can manage, but his heart's unsteady in its cage and his smile wobbles with it.
"I'm really glad to have you," Jihoon says suddenly. "Like, you're probably the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Soonyoung can't help but stare as Jihoon flushes more and more by the second; he's embarrassed, pulling his sleeves further over his hands and shrugging down like he's trying to fold in on himself. When Soonyoung chuckles, he tries to keep it as casual as he can so Jihoon can't make out the megaphone in his chest that's blaring - I love you! I love you! I love you!
"All this because I'm teaching you about covalent compounds, huh?" Jihoon kicks him under the table, and Soonyoung barks out a laugh.
"Asshole."
"No, no, I'm kidding, that's - God, you're so cute, Jihoon."
"I hope you choke."
"No, I'm serious. You're fucking adorable. That was so sweet. What you just said was so sweet, and I'm trying really hard to keep it together right now because I'm - I'm - "
Infatuated, head over heels, besotted, whipped like a god damn idiot - there are a lot of words Soonyoung could use in this instant, but he cuts himself off with a grin and starts over.
"You're so wonderful, Jihoonie. That's all I'm saying. Don't be embarrassed about it."
"I am. I hate saying shit like that."
"Why? You know, it makes me the happiest guy in the world when you do. Don't you want to see me happy?"
Jihoon's cheeks have gone fully pink at this point, all gleaming, and if it weren't for the table in the way Soonyoung would be peppering kisses all over them.
There is a table in the way, though, so he has to settle for something a little less.
Reaching across and motioning for Jihoon to give him his hand, Soonyoung holds it to his lips and smiles hard against the knuckles, peeking over to see Jihoon unraveling more and more by the second. He loves doing this. He loves seeing Jihoon all flustered.
Soonyoung doesn't know exactly what they are, the two of them, but he knows he's allowed this much - maybe he can convince himself that it's enough.
"I think the universe made you special," he says, still holding Jihoon's hand. "Like, it took its time to make you the best you can be." Jihoon smiles wryly.
"Really? I figure I'm more of a manufacturing error." Soonyoung scowls, then, dropping Jihoon's hand and watching the way his face falls a little.
"Hey, don't say that. I hate it when you say stuff like that."
"I'm only joking," Jihoon mumbles.
"I still hate it." Soonyoung pauses, letting his expression soften while he does, and says, "They aren't nice jokes. I know you think you aren't hurting anyone, but it's not good for yourself."
"What, like, my psyche?"
"Yeah. Keep it up and soon enough, you'll start to believe yourself. Which, you know. I can't let that happen. You're kind of really incredible."
"I think you're being dramatic," Jihoon scoffs.
"Not really. I just love you a lot."
Soonyoung catches his breath the second the words leave his mouth, and he holds it there. There's a sort of thick fog rising in his throat and panic alarms are going off because why - why would he say that? He doesn't have to. He's told Jihoon he loves him a million times before and now ... now it makes things weird for the both of them.
It's not the sort of thing he can say anymore. This time Jihoon knows it's different, and Soonyoung's not so sure they're on the same page.
The tension lifts a little when Jihoon asks, "How do I balance this equation? I don't get it," and maybe it's a bit disheartening, how he chooses to just not acknowledge what Soonyoung said, but it's also probably for the best. His heart's already teetering, and having to go through that would probably end up throwing it off the tightrope completely.
Soonyoung would love to have an answer, something to call themselves, but he doesn't think he's ready for a conversation like that. He doesn't want to risk ruining a single thing. He almost did it once already.
He already came too close.
—
It's eleven in the evening and Soonyoung's climbing through Jihoon's window with a box of leftovers from dinner. He knows Jihoon has an economics exam he's been preparing for, and he knows that means the boy probably hasn't eaten.
When Jihoon sees the food, he smiles wide; wider still when his eyes land on Soonyoung, and he kisses Soonyoung's forehead. And alright, fine, that's fine.
Soonyoung won't ruin this for them.
—
Jihoon's developed a habit of leaning his head on Soonyoung's shoulder when they're browsing the library shelves. It's easy for him to whisper against his shirtsleeve and press his lips there without being too noticeable.
Sort of makes it difficult for Soonyoung to find the book he's looking for, but it's fine. It's always, always fine.
—
Soonyoung's beginning to wonder how long fine will last.
—
"It's kind of like, the worst fucking thing in the world. I thought it was bad before, but this is definitely worse."
"I mean, I don't really see the problem?"
Soonyoung cracked, told Junhui about him and Jihoon, and now he's just sitting in Junhui's kitchen, eating Junhui's food, stabbing it like it did something to personally offend him, and maybe he's regretting this decision a little bit. Just a little.
"Jun, I don't think you're understanding."
"I don't think I'm understanding, either," the boy says, looking uncertain. "This is what you wanted, wasn't it? Like, being able to kiss him and hold hands and have it ... not be platonic?"
Soonyoung sighs, "Well, yeah, but I don't know if it's actually not platonic. Like, like what if it's supposed to be casual, you know? What if he just wants all the benefits, but no strings attached? That type of thing."
"Is that what you want?"
"Uh, fucking no? I've been wanting to call Jihoon my boyfriend since I was twelve, Jun, what makes you think I'm happy with this arrangement?"
"I still can't believe that," Jun mutters, eyes rolling upwards in a way that makes Soonyoung's expression go flat. "Or, I can, I definitely can - we've all known for a while now - but I can't believe it took you this long to say something. I can't believe I'm the first one hearing this. I'm usually the last person to find out about these things."
"You guys suck, you know that? You knew this whole time."
"Well, you weren't lowkey."
"I hate that. I hate this. Leave it to me to get stuck in a situation like this."
Out of the corner of his eye, Soonyoung can see Junhui watching him with some sort of cautious sympathy. He doesn't meet the look. He's not sure his dignity could handle it - knowing that it's really what he's worth, at this point. Pitiful glances for pitiful circumstances.
"It's that bad, huh?" his friend says, quietly. Soonyoung nods, and he continues. "Well, for what it's worth - and maybe it's not worth much, I don't know - I think you're overthinking it."
"Overthinking it, how?"
"I mean, you're probably stressing over nothing. Maybe he's never been so obvious as you, Soonyoung, but I think any one of us could tell you Jihoon likes you the same as you like him."
Soonyoung's almost tired when he asks, "And why would you think that?"
Tired, like he's tired of futile comfort. Like there's no use in listening to something that's meant to be encouraging when it's really just empty. Junhui drags a hand over his face and rests his chin in his palm, sighing like this is the simplest thing in the world.
"Okay, how about this - he listens to all your astrology shit without complaint, even shows some interest in it, and he asks you - asks! - to hear more useless space facts. And he's touchy with you like he isn't with anyone else, and he laughs at all your awful jokes, and he looks at you like - he looks at you like you strung up the moon, Soonyoung. Like you did it just for him."
"I would if I could," Soonyoung says, and Junhui makes a gagging sound at the back of his throat.
"Don't be gross. I'm just saying, it's true. And you're kind of dumb if you really think there's a chance Jihoon only wants to be friends with benefits."
Soonyoung's quiet for a long while, torn between going hard on himself, being pessimistic, and allowing himself to hope. He's not sure what to make of it all.
When he finally says something, it's, "Jihoon is a Sagittarius, I suppose ... " and Junhui sighs again.
"What does that mean?"
"He's emotionally distant. If anyone's going to avoid having a talk about relationships, it's him. He's too uncomfortable with that sort of thing."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
Soonyoung's silent for a moment, thinking, and then -
"Talk to him, I guess."
—
"Jihoon, are we friends?"
" ... Sure."
And that's the end of their talk.
—
So, kissing. That's a regular thing, now, something they do whenever they want, so long as it's not in front of the others. Which is cool. Kissing is cool, kissing Jihoon is cool - but it's not a friend thing, no way. Friends don't do that. Friends do not borderline make-out the way they (sometimes) do. It's just a fact.
But if you were to ask Jihoon, they're just friends.
Which, alright, is sort of annoying. Soonyoung feels like his patience is being tested, sort of, like he's being spread too thin. Further and further he's being pushed out from himself, and soon enough, a hole is going to tear right through him.
It's just the two of them on Jihoon's bed; Soonyoung's sprawled out over the blanket, head laying on Jihoon's lap, who's pressed up against the pillows. He's talking a mile a minute, and every now and then he trips over one of his words because Jihoon decides to leave a quick kiss on the tip of his nose, or at the corner of his eye. Soonyoung knows he's reaching his limit, but he's also hopelessly lost for the boy - so what can he do?
"Why do you keep doing that?" Soonyoung asks, interrupting himself. He's trying to reason with Jihoon, get him to understand why Scorpio moons are some of the scariest people out there, but it's really hard to focus.
"Is it bothering you?" Jihoon asks, not looking all too apologetic with his smile.
"No, but I - I'm just wondering."
Jihoon tilts his head, as if in thought, and his smile grows. Soonyoung thinks he can see stars in the way his teeth glint when he says, "You're so cute. I kind of can't help it." That elicits an impressed whistle from Soonyoung, who's trying so hard to look put-together despite the blush forming on his cheeks.
"When did you get so confident, Jihoonie? You never say stuff like that."
"Yeah," Jihoon says, "I dunno. It's just you, I guess."
It's just him, Soonyoung thinks. Just Soonyoung. Jihoon's friend, Soonyoung.
The thought manages to twist something in his gut. It makes his chest ache in the most terrible way, and maybe that's what pushes him to ask, "Can we talk about this, Jihoon?"
Silence passes with only a few heartbeats between them; Jihoon's smile wavers and then tightens again, almost forced, and his gaze snaps to the wall on the other side of the room so he's no longer looking Soonyoung in the eye.
"Talk about what?" he finally asks.
"You know, us? Can we talk about us?" Soonyoung pauses. "I mean, like ... what are we?"
" ... What do you think we are?"
"God, I don't know? Not friends, that's for sure. Friends, they don't ... they don't do this. Or maybe they do, I don't know, but that's not the sort of friendship I want."
"What do you want, then?"
"What do you want?"
"Does it really matter?" Jihoon swallows. He looks out of place, smile wiped clean. His jaw is clenched, and Soonyoung doesn't think twice before reaching up to brush his fingers against it, silently easing the tension that's built up.
"It does matter," he says softly. "It matters, Jihoon, because at this point I can't tell if you really like me, or if you're just lonely. Do you want to be with me, or do you only want affection? Because - Because if that's the case, then I ... I tolerate a lot, you know. But I don't think I can handle feeling used."
Jihoon seems to choke, a small sound coming from within him, and Soonyoung can't tell if it's from shock or from half-suppressed emotion. When he speaks, his voice shakes.
"I'm not, really. The last thing I've ever wanted to do is make you feel like - like bad, you know? Like, you're so good, and I'm not trying to use you or confuse you or - or - " he stops, squeezing his eyes shut before switching tracks, "It's not that I don't care enough, Soonyoung. If anything, I think I feel too much."
"Of course you feel too much," Soonyoung says, sitting up so he can face Jihoon properly. "You've got a million stars inside of you."
"I feel like they're all exploding."
"That's okay."
The atmosphere is different from last time - not buzzing, but completely, totally still. Like even the air is holding its breath in anticipation. It only serves to magnify the beating in Soonyoung's chest.
"I wish you wouldn't say things like that," Jihoon whispers, and his voice cracks. "You're so kind, your heart is like ... I can't even put it into words, it's so good. You get it. You get it like I don't."
Soonyoung furrows his brows, asking, "What do I get?"
"Just, like, everything. All this. Emotions or whatever. I think I'm just like ... I dunno. I think I just don't know how to feel that way. Or I do, I know I do, because I feel it when I'm with you - all that stuff you said that night, how you can't breathe and your heart beats really fast - I get that, I understand that ... I just don't know what to do with it.
"See, that's the problem. It's not you, Soonyoung, and it's not me trying to be an asshole. I'm just fucking stupid, and I like you so much and I'm stupid and I don't know what to do about it. I thought I could get away with it," he breathes, "but I'm just making things worse."
Soonyoung raises his hands to cup Jihoon's face, holding his stare with his own, and he can practically hear the breath hitching in his throat. He's nervous, they're both nervous all over again, and the energy is bouncing between them like anxious static.
"That's okay," he repeats. "You don't have to figure it out on your own."
"I don't know how to not mess this up."
"You won't. I know you won't."
They're still in Jihoon's bedroom, still sitting on his bed, but Soonyoung thinks he can almost trick himself into thinking they're outside; surrounded by indigo light, and Jihoon glowing like Soonyoung's very own moon. Their breathing could be the wind. Jihoon's eyes could hold comets. Soonyoung's voice, so terribly quiet.
"I think we'd be good together," he whispers. "We don't have to do all the cliche stuff, like what they do in the movies, but we could. I mean, if you wanted to, we could. I think that would be nice."
Finally, a hint of a smile. "What sort of cliche stuff do you mean?"
"Maybe looking at the stars? Watching the moon? You holding my hand while we watch the moon? X-Files marathons and - and I could tell you more about Geminis, since you don't know so much about them. Those sorts of things."
Jihoon giggles, "So basically, things we already do?" Soonyoung grins and lets his hands fall so they're on the boy's waist rather than his cheeks - which, by the way, are candlelight red and just as hot - and he leans in.
"Okay, yeah, but we'll be boyfriends while we do it, so it's not really the same."
"Boyfriends," Jihoon repeats, eyes crinkling. "I think I like that."
Closer, closer, until their lips meet, and it's not supernovas and asteroids destined for destruction, but soft. Soft like moonlight. Soft like Jihoon's forehead pressed against his, and all those gentle constellations Soonyoung wants so badly to show him.
"It's funny," Soonyoung says, slightly breathless when they pull away. "I've spent nearly my whole life in awe of the sky and everything that's in it, but I've never found it to be quite as mesmerizing as you."
Jihoon grins, mumbling against his mouth, "You're actually gross."
"I know, I know," familiarity rings. "I'm your boyfriend, and you love me."
Jihoon is swirling nebulas and more divine than Saturn's rings; a bow and arrow made of diamonds, with a mind and heart to match. A vast expanse full of beautiful things. He kisses Soonyoung, and the stars align. Everything slots into place.
And this, Soonyoung thinks. This feels right.