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Peter is Derek's first.
Derek is 15 and Peter is 22, and it happens in the old root cellar. Peter takes him there sometimes when he wants to get him alone; Derek knows they won't be disturbed. There isn't much of a struggle, and Derek thinks distantly that that's apt. There never is, when they're down here together.
He dumps the body in the river after and watches the current wash it away. Scrubs the blood off his hands and his clothes and goes home silent, goes home calm. He doesn't say anything to anyone, but he rehearses the story in his head, imagines how it would feel to tell. He didn't have a choice, his imagined self says. It was self defense.
Its not a lie exactly, but if they ever found the body it might look like one.
*
Scott is 15 and Derek is 22, and they meet when Derek brings a bird with a broken wing in to the animal clinic. Its late on a Tuesday evening and Scott's there alone, about to close up. The moment they lock eyes, Scott knows he's met someone like him.
The break in the bird's wing doesn't look like something it would have given itself and Scott almost ask Derek why he brought it in. Instead, he tells Derek something his mother once told him: it's ok to hurt someone, but only to protect yourself. Only if they intend to hurt you first. Scott hasn't seen his mother in years, not since his father decided to seek sole custody, but he remembers how strongly she believed that. Your own safety comes first, but innocence is worth fighting for. Scott tells Derek it's important.
Then he tells Derek what he thinks she meant: it's ok to hurt someone who deserves it.
(Scott hasn't killed yet, but he's thought about it).
*
Scott and Derek keep meeting. In shops, around town, sometimes in the woods on Scott's morning run. Derek likes that best. Its quieter, no one else around, and Scott doesn't smile all bright and false. He just looks, like he can see right through Derek, and for once Derek doesn't mind being seen.
Derek only sees Scott with his dad once. They're at a gas station, Scott's dad heading into the store when Derek pulls up, and Scott doesn't smile at Derek this time either. He doesn't even look at him, really, but Derek senses the moment he sees him through the car window. His jaw tightens and he ducks his head, avoiding Derek's gaze.
When Scott's dad gets back in the car, he puts a hand on Scott's shoulder before they drive off. Scott doesn't shrink away, but he looks like he wants to.
*
The day Scott tries to kiss Derek is the day he falls in love with Derek, and it happens in that order.
It's another Tuesday evening, a few weeks after the first and Derek comes into the clinic with another frightened bird. He holds it carefully in his hands, staring at Scott like he's not sure where he is. The bird is shaking and Derek's shaking too, but when Scott eases it off him, he finds it's completely unharmed.
"Do you want to let it go?" Scott asks. After a pause, Derek nods.
Scott closes the clinic.
They wrap the bird in a towel and head for Derek's car. Scott takes the driver's side, because Derek is still shaking, and Derek nurses the bird in his lap. He's incongruously gentle with it, thumb stroking carefully over the towel, but his jaw is tight.
"Do you want to hurt something else?" Scott asks. Derek nods again.
They let the bird go out in the woods, not far off from Scott's running track. This is where Derek said he found it. He sets it down on the ground and steps backwards, and they stand there waiting for it to move. Scott takes Derek's hand.
They stand for three heart-stopping moments of stillness, and then there's an eruption of wings and feathers from the ground. The bird flies up into the trees and out of sight.
Scott turns, locks his arms around Derek's neck and kisses him. Derek's still shaking. He doesn't kiss back.
"Come on" Scott says. "You need this."
Derek's arms wrap around Scott's waist, but he still doesn't kiss back. His muscles are stiff, and he's silent a long time.
"I could kill him," he says eventually. "We could do it together."
Scott feels himself fall.
*
Derek comes down slowly, holding onto Scott like an anchor. As night draws in around them, he begins to rethink his offer. Derek has a complicated relationship with pain and death. He's drawn to those things like an addict, but he knows it's wrong. He doesn't ever want to do wrong by Scott.
"There are other ways to stop him, if that’s all you want," Derek says. "The police -"
"He is the police," Scott replies shortly, and the way he says it makes Derek wonder what happened the last time he tried to tell someone.
He nods.
"I could do it. You don't have to be there."
Scott smiles then. Not the false, blinding smile Derek usually sees, but something smaller, truer, and infinitely more cruel.
"I want to be there."
Derek's heart skips a beat.
"Together," he says, testing.
Scott nods. "Together."
In the trees above them, a bird is singing.