Chapter Text
I know that Otis's words aren't empty now, he means it, when he said I am an excellent therapist and mother. As a parent all you wanna hear from your children is that you did a good job and I'm so grateful he said it, I really needed to hear it. But as soon as I tell him that I’m pregnant his behavior will be worse, and this time it won’t be immature, this pregnancy means a complete change of his life, of our life.
It's been just him and me for many years, and although he’s almost a man now and perhaps he would leave home soon, a new half brother or sister is not something easy to assimilate. I already can hear his questions, - why? Isn't it enough with me? Did you become dependent? Didn't you use protection? Didn't you think about the consequences? What will you do now? - Shit!
My thoughts are stopped by a voice "Jean? Do you hear me?” I raise my eyes to look and I find his crystalline blue eyes looking at me, those eyes that maybe this baby that I now carry might have, those wonderful blue eyes that shine when he smiles, those eyes. Fuck, focus Jean
"Are you okay?" he asks again
I clear my throat and straighten myself to answer “Jakob? Sorry, what?"
He gives me a half smile and I feel like nothing has happened between us, that we are the same as a few weeks ago, that everything is fine, “What were you thinking?”
And I know nothing is fine, I can see it in his eyes, that hint of sadness, and I remember that I hurted him and he isn’t well, and that I must tell him what is happening, that my heart is broken because I push him away, and that all I want is to be with him, that I'm a coward and an idiot, hell I wanna say so many things, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is “I’m pregnant”
What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously Jean? I immediately regret it, because his face loses color and his lips open in disbelief and his brow furrows, and I feel my hot face about to explode, I really hate myself right now and I say to myself that I have ruined everything, in another words.
“I’m sorry I.. shit.. Jakob I didn’t… bloody hell” I panic and don't know what to do, he continues to look at me in disbelief and his eyes don't tell me if he is upset or hurt, so I close my eyes and then almost run out looking for my car to go home, there are still a few students and parents around so I slow down before they all turn around looking at me, but before I can reach the stairs I feel his hand holding my arm. I turn to look at him, and although his face is still astonished I know he is trying to process the bomb that I just dropped on him
What will I say next? I can't do this right now! I'm a fucking coward in love, I keep screwing it up. After Remi I promised myself I will never fall for any other man again, they would never be enough time next to me for that to happen, and look at me now, I can't look at him right now, I can't
“Jean, don’t do this, don’t run away again” and I feel tears in my eyes before I can stop them, they are rolling down my cheeks, and then his arms are around me and I melt in his embrace, and some students look at us, but the place is almost empty now, so I hide my face on his chest and I can hear his heartbeat and I feel safe, God I love this man
After a few minutes he takes me to my car and we sit inside in silence, I know he won’t say another word, he’s patiently waiting for me to speak, so I do “I know this sounds illogical and almost impossible, but my doctor says that stranger things have happened and perhaps it is so, I'm not sure. I only know that your vasectomy didn’t work because I swear that I have not had sex with any other man since we started our relationship, even when it ended, I could not. And I wasn't going to tell you like that but when I saw you in front of me it was the only thing that came out of my mouth, but that was not what I was going to say, I wanted to say other things but I don't know what, Fuck!.. What I mean is that you have no responsibility with me or with this baby if you don't want it, I will not force you, I know that I betrayed your trust and broke your heart and at the same time I broke mine and I’m so scared, I haven’t felt like this in a long time and I really don’t know how to have a relationship, I am not a dependent woman, I enjoy my freedom and I know myself well enough to know that I fell in love with you, so I fought against it and it was the worst decision I have made in my life, I tried to see all your flaws to get away from you, but I didn't realize in time that I was hurting you and then I kissed Remi and although it didn't mean anything I had to tell you, I‘m sorry, I really don't know…”
“Jean” he stops me with a smile putting his big hand upon mine “It’s alright, breathe”
And so I do, I breathe. I didn't realize I had talked so much until he stopped me, but I feel relief in my chest, I guess I needed to tell him
“Are you really in love with me?” he says next and I look at him in amazement, of everything I said, the only thing he remembers is that part? “You just said it, but I want to be sure”
And I can’t help it, I smile, a real smile, and he smiles with me, that beautiful smile. But I can’t say those three words, not yet, so I just nod and he nods too, he is a very understanding man and I love him for that, but I can’t tell him, I simply can’t.
He let go of my hand and nods again looking away through the windshield “This was not the conversation I was expecting, but thank you for telling me”, he looks at me again with a serious expression, “I am going to think about everything you told me, I think I need to think about it, okay?”
I nod without hesitation, I know I just changed his life with this conversation and we both need time to assimilate it and think about what we are going to do
He opens the door and before getting off he looks at me again with a half smile "bye Jean, drive carefully"
I wasn't expecting a different reaction, to tell the truth, I thought it would be much worse, so I start the car and with a final half smile I drive home, he doesn't move so I can see him in the rearview mirror until I lose sight of him by the trees and I wonder if he can drive his car again, or was Ola around waiting? Is he going to walk? Should I go back? No, I can't go back, he asked for time and that's the least I can do for him right now. So I drive home trusting that he'll call later and then we will be able to tell the kids.