Work Text:
Reinhard doesn’t know this, but it’s been several loops, at least — not like it’s any worth counting anymore — when he’s called to Subaru’s room.
He enters with a polite smile. Truthfully, his heart isn’t in it, and neither is his burdened mind, but he owes Subaru so much for helping him when he had been—
The door closes behind Reinhard.
“Good morning, Subaru,” he says, as calm as ever. “I believe you wanted to speak with me... Is there anything that you would like my assistance in?”
“Ah, Reinhard!” Subaru beams, and something in Reinhard beams along with him. “It’s always great to see a dear friend, you know?” He winks. “Really brightens up my day.”
Standing there with his back ramrod straight, Subaru is eerily still and serene, past that lighthearted look of his. But he’s glassy-eyed too, almost, if not for the small quirks at the corners of his mouth.
Then he twitches, ever so slightly, and proceeds to move in lightning-fast to push Reinhard to the wall, sealing his lips over the other.
Reinhard’s wide eyes stare into Subaru — the curve of his body towards Reinhard, his control despite the boldness of his actions and general personality, the light pink across his cheeks, the catch of his breath as he pulls away to look back at Reinhard.
And Reinhard finds himself leaning forward desperately. There’s a bottomless hole in him that Felt and so many others had left, like a wound reopened time and time again. But now, he yearns to be filled with that warmth that Subaru gave to him then, with just his gentle and eager touch.
Natsuki Subaru — the passionate, rash, well-meaning boy who had become the slightest bit subdued over these past months, as he had grown into the best knight to Lady Emilia.
Reinhard isn’t blind to Subaru’s newfound composed demeanor, despite how ruthless and vicious his willpower is, despite how perfect his calculated plans and charisma are. There is a quiet strength to this character of his, with that earnest desperation and fixated intensity as he had held out a hand to Reinhard on that day —
The day that Felt had deemed him unworthy, and left him behind.
Then and now, Reinhard places enough of his faith in Subaru. He trusts Subaru, despite the despair he feels. Despite the fact that this was his fault again, despite the fact that it was inevitable that she would leave, especially when he is never good enough for —
He should not be feeling this way. He absolutely does not have the right to. But here, goosebumps have broken out all over his arms, and his heart aches, and he feels alive.
And Reinhard can tell that Subaru sees that — that desire in him too — because Subaru’s eyes are half-lidded and darkened with a kind of delight. Surely he knows the effect he’s had on Reinhard, with how deliberate he’s been, and —
Subaru tilts his head. Playfully, he asks, “How was that for a change, Reinhard?”
“Subaru,” Reinhard begins.
And then he stops.
His heart is beating out of his chest, and he finds that impossibly confusing and exhilarating and despairing at once.
His mind still screams about Felt, still screams about her turning her back on him. He’ll never be able to be Felt’s best knight, not when she doesn’t need or want him.
But he remembers Subaru’s outstretched hand and pleas then. He can still vividly picture that blinding smile as he took Subaru’s hand, a sort of thrill going down his spine because — because Subaru was the one to show him that affection. But he can picture the tears that might well up in Lady Emilia’s eyes, too, if she knew that Subaru kissed him, and —
Reinhard cares about Subaru. But that smallest bit of care is foreshadowed by the burden of being a hero and a monster and a weapon and never, ever a human has brought him all his life.
And since he’s not a human… can he… really even care about someone in this way?
All that burden has ever done was leave him with a life full of rejections, one after the other, because of his very existence. He’s always trapped in his position of Sword Saint, always trapped by the expectations that follow with it, and all he can do is offer enough sacrifice to make up for existing in the first place.
The blame always lies with him, after all.
But then Reinhard is washed away by the sight of Subaru in front of him. Subaru, still in his typical noble attire, with the black crystal he wears firmly wrapped around his neck. Subaru, who looks at him all too knowingly, and always seems to take the best course of action.
Subaru, who’s always so understanding and full of care.
And… the two of them are very, very close right now, with his back to the wall and Subaru’s hands are on either side of him, and —
Reinhard chuckles softly, nervously, as he tosses any lingering pain aside. He didn’t think that he could ever be so flustered before; this was… new. New to the point of giddiness, almost. “Did you only call me here to your quarters only for you to pull such a clandestine act, Subaru? Truthfully, it caught me off guard.”
Subaru looks away with a small, tightlipped smile of his own. The light brings out the glistening warm brown of his eyes. “‘Clandestine’, huh... gee, thanks,” he teases, “Was that the only descriptor you could come up with?”
Reinhard almost wants to smile back, a hunger in his stomach devouring him whole — but then he swallows, and gathers up his resolve in place of his want. “However… Lady Emilia — what would she think of this? Surely you two are... close, yes? Or am I mistaken?”
Subaru steps back, as perfectly composed and collected as usual. Yet there’s a slight hitch in his confidence in the twitch of his eye, but Reinhard pays it no mind — perhaps Subaru had simply become concerned for Emilia once Reinhard had brought this up.
Despite how… precise, Subaru’s actions had been, he had surely just been acting in the heat of the moment.
And despite how much it meant to Reinhard, to feel as if he were an actual person rather than an ideal, he would let this go if it would come between Lady Emilia and her dearest knight.
Even if… he wants this.
And Emilia — Emilia hardly comes out of her room, but when she does, she dotes on Subaru, and he brightens in turn. He’s still untouchable and blinding even with her, but he’ll drag Emilia away by the hand, and his laugh turns strained then.
Somehow, Reinhard’s heart always aches seeing them together. His face crumples and he doesn’t know why, but Subaru’s gaze will flicker to him as if to say, I know.
I know, Reinhard.
Or perhaps that’s just… Reinhard being foolish again. He knows how to kill and brainwash and pretend to be the hero people expect him to be, but he doesn’t know a single thing about feeling.
But Reinhard, at least, knows how Subaru’s hand feels in his own. He knows just how out of his depth he is, every time their fingers brushed and their eyes met and Reinhard felt Subaru’s emotions slipping through his grasp like water.
Now, Subaru responds with a wide, reassuring grin. Now, he waves Reinhard off with his normal enthusiastic gestures. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it,” he beams. “This won’t come between me and Emilia at all! And this is a” — he gives a pointed cough and a teasing sideways glance — “private matter.”
Reinhard blinks. His cheeks feel warm. “Ah, so you... you…” He swallows. “To be quite frank, I… am quite flustered.“
For once, he’s lost for words. He can’t — he can’t understand what he’s feeling in this moment. That lack of understanding itself isn’t new, but… somehow, he can almost ignore the weight bearing down on him now.
Reinhard raises a hand to his lips in his stupor.
Subaru reaches out to grasp that hand gently in his own, and drifts closer to Reinhard. “So did you like it?” With his other hand, he puts it to his chest passionately as if swearing an oath. “C’mon, I absolutely tried my best there, Reinhard!”
His sharp gaze, too, is as wide as his smile, and remains entirely fixated on Reinhard. There’s an undertone of desire and hunger there as well, and Reinhard hopes that means that he’s truly found a kindred soul in Subaru.
Even if something, something about Subaru sends a chill down his spine... he can’t help but feel that perhaps Subaru could understand.
Especially since… Julius and Felix can’t reach him now.
He’s… he’s almost desperate. He wants someone who sees humanity in him, despite how much he lacks that humanity.
Like the way he thought Felt did.
Because he really, truly thought that she saw him as a friend and as a person — only for her to turn around, back out of the Royal Selection, and leave for Kararagi.
The retreating figure of each and every person he cares deeply for lashes him with betrayal over and over again. But he knows that it’s all because of him, and he knows that it's a deserved betrayal regardless.
A pain that he’ll carry with him for eternity, in this body of his that’s so consumed by power that it lacks the space for any sort of understanding. A small price to pay, when it’s not like he ever really mattered.
But...
Reinhard lets out a shuddering breath, lets go of the just as consuming guilt for one fraction of a second. In front of him, Subaru inclines his head and leans forward with that familiar, blinding smile.
Is this… love? This devotion he feels, this strange connection to Subaru, who’s even given him something as wonderful as this — but no. No… how could he ever be capable of feeling this way? How… how did this happen?
Why does this feel so —
And yet… if this is what Subaru wants, Reinhard tells himself, even as his entire being screams for him to stop. Even as he wants this, past all the decorum and duty of a knight.
Especially one as special as him.
He’s not supposed to make a choice like this. He’s not supposed to choose in this way at all. He’s supposed to have a suitable bride chosen for him when the time comes, if only to pass on the Astrea line and the blessing of the Sword Saint. No tenderness, no love , because this is not what someone as empty as him deserves, and because this is his responsibility as the current Sword Saint.
Nothing more.
Nothing —
Reinhard pulls Subaru forward as they press their lips against each other.
It’s fumbling and awkward; Reinhard has no experience, and is only really running off of as much passion as he can possibly feel. And yet, Subaru gives a quiet gasp, shuddering ever so slightly. His hands snake down to Reinhard’s hips, digging in like claws, and then suddenly relax and move to carefully caress Reinhard’s face.
This is a mistake.
This is a mistake.
Reinhard knows this without the use of even a single blessing, and he knows this without knowing what love even is. But despite himself, despite everything, he can somehow feel some semblance of euphoria — just as consuming and overwhelming as that all too familiar guilt, shame, regret, and power.
And he can’t help but wish so childishly that this moment lasts until Od Laguna gives him his final end. Because the two of them are alone, alone in this room, to the point where the entire world falls away until it’s just him and —
No… no...
Horror fills him, suddenly, like cold water spilling over his head and into his lungs. That feeling of drowning isn’t one he’ll ever know well, but he thinks that it really would feel like this.
Reinhard pulls away, reaching to hold Subaru’s hands just to move them away from his face.
Then, he lets go.
Trying to ignore the sense of aching loss, he murmurs, “I don’t want to hurt you. Are you… certain about this, Subaru?”
I can destroy you so easily, Reinhard doesn't say, because there is no one in this world that doesn’t know this. I have harmed everyone who has ever cared about me. It’s always my... I am not… I cannot understand how this is supposed to go. I will never be able to understand.
Because the truth is one that Reinhard himself has carved into every inch of the ruinous legacy he’s left for his grandmother, his grandfather, his mother and father and his ancestors themselves. He is anything but a saint, after ripping the blessing away from his own grandmother at the worst moment possible, after tearing apart his own family over and over again, after bending minds to his will even as a mere child.
Because of course, his atrocities started from the moment he came into this world.
Here he is, divulging in his own selfish fantasies, using the very person who’s left to turn to, believing that he could even be capable of emotion as strong as this. That chill down his spine, the ghost of hands around his hips and at his cheeks and that hint of desperation at the touch —
It’s all so haunting and filled with this delusion of Reinhard’s, isn’t it?
And Subaru’s expression shutters, becoming almost entirely unreadable. Reinhard is surprised to find himself quiver at the sight, and yet — Subaru’s hand reaches to cup Reinhard’s cheek once more.
“Trust me, you won’t hurt me at all. So try to relax, okay?” Subaru’s lips curl into the shadow of a smile. His tone remains lighthearted, though his distant gaze slides away. “I mean, what other reason would I have for kissing you? Because it’s definitely not because I’m trying to live out a dating simulator straight out of a VN or something.”
Oddly enough, Reinhard’s breathless as he replies, “I could not quite understand what you meant with that last part, but I… I suppose I can understand the rest, yes.”
Subaru chuckles, conspiratorial and cheeky, as if at an inside joke only he knows. But then his face slackens. Softens. He’s so close to Reinhard that it makes his heart flutter. “The point I’m trying to make here is that I want you at my side, Reinhard. I want you with me. Let me carry your burdens, let me make up for all of your weaknesses.”
Reinhard can’t bring himself to look away, and his hand twitches at his side, half-tempted to hold Subaru’s own hand, which shakes as it strokes his cheek.
“I’ll hurt you,” Reinhard whispers, and then the words start ripping themselves away from his throat. “I cannot have any weaknesses. Od Laguna and the Kingdom of Lugnica have made sure of that. And neither can Lady Emilia afford any weaknesses on my part. Everyone is counting on me to fulfill my role, even… even you.”
I’m not even allowed to die, is on the tip of his tongue, Not until the blessing of the Sword Saint is passed on.
His breathing has gone all wrong. His eyes are stinging again, even though he has no idea how to cry anymore. Even though he most likely never knew how to cry in the first place.
Still, his thoughts cry out instead — if he’s anything but the perfect hero, he’ll be left behind. If he doesn’t mold himself to fit what others want from him, he’ll be left behind. If he makes a single misstep, he’ll be left behind. If he does anything, he’ll be left behind, and it’s always because of him.
If he’s kept around at all, it’s because he’s their obedient weapon.
Subaru, on the other hand, stares, stares, stares back. Reinhard has always been terrible at understanding others at times, even with the use of his abilities, but he thinks that he senses the slightest hint of another unreadable emotion — something deeper and uncomfortable all at once — flitting about Subaru’s face and through the emotions emanating from him.
Subaru used to be so open, so wholehearted in the way he showed all of his feelings on his sleeve, to the point where perhaps Reinhard felt just the barest sliver of want.
A sense of admiration, too, at how Subaru always felt so strongly. He was loud and upbeat and sharp even, sharp when it came to his mean eyes and intense loyalty and the sheer will he had.
He’s everything that Reinhard is not. But now, Subaru is… off. He’s always ever so slightly off, and yet Reinhard can only hope that it’s just —
Please. Please let it be a figment of his imagination. He doesn’t know why, but he hopes so desperately that Subaru at least considers him a dear friend. Because Subaru kissed him and he kissed back and I want you with me, Subaru had said. If only that could be —
Subaru wraps his arms around Reinhard in an embrace. And it’s warm, warmer than the sunlight filling the room.
Reinhard can feel Subaru’s heartbeat, steady and calm and a complete contrast to his own erratic fluttering. With anxiety flooding through his veins, he thinks that perhaps no amount of blessings in this world could ever prepare him for this .
Though he wouldn’t want any blessings coming near Subaru unless absolutely necessary. He doesn’t want any of his power ruining Subaru, especially when he’s supposed to be Subaru’s sword and shield. He’s supposed to be —
“Pardon me,” Reinhard says shakily, his hands hovering above Subaru’s back, “but what... what are you doing?”
“Haven’t you ever heard of a hug before?” Subaru’s warm breath and gentle voice tickles Reinhard’s ear as he tightens his grip ever so slightly. It feels perfect. It is perfect. “But from the way you reacted… you clearly haven’t been hugged enough.”
And… it does feel good. It does, and — and he’s always been jealous of this since he was a kid. Always.
“Why,” Reinhard chokes out. “I am... not worthy of your attention like this, Subaru. I… I do not deserve you.”
Subaru pauses. Freezes, even. Until his body presses into Reinhard desperately, more desperately than before, and at the corner of his eye, Reinhard can see Subaru’s lips mouth out just as desperate words.
No, it’s — of course this would all go wrong, because it’s always Reinhard’s fault for —
Shut up, Subaru mouths, and his expression is almost dead, dead, dead. This is necessary. I’m not —
“S-Subaru?”
No, no, Reinhard was imagining it… right? Because Subaru’s face goes slack, unlike his hands clinging onto the back of Reinhard’s uniform.
And Subaru’s shuddering now, shuddering like he’s coming undone, and so Reinhard finally lets himself rub soothing circles into Subaru’s back.
A small sound, almost like a sob, rushes out of Subaru. But he whispers hoarsely, “Hey. I’m fine. You’re just the most selfless guy I know, Reinhard. And you have to trust me when I say that you’re never, ever going to hurt me.”
Subaru twitches when Reinhard stammers, “Are… are you certain, Subaru?”
Taking a deep breath, Subaru gently pushes Reinhard back by the shoulders. His grip is still a little too tight as he gazes at Reinhard with a strange sort of longing. “Because you’re more than just the Sword Saint. You’re so much more than that, and… you’re my friend. Or at least, I want to be your friend.”
Reinhard’s face crumples. “Subaru…”
“I don’t want to be your enemy,” Subaru confesses. His words are careful, as if he’s staring down the end of a sword. “A hero isn’t all you’ll ever be, and you’re far, far from a monster too. I understand that more than you know, and… I won’t ever leave you behind.”
Reinhard is on his hands and knees, staring at the ground in shock as the entire world collapses in on him.
But then, he looks up to see Subaru’s outstretched hand and sad, knowing smile. A blinding kind of smile, really, the kind that you could just fall into.
“Join me,” Subaru whispers, right on the edge of desperation. “Please. Felt may have left, but you can find your footing again. And… maybe even a home, too. If you just give me the chance, I just… want you to be happy.”
How? How… how can he even move forward, after —
Subaru crouches down to meet Reinhard eye-to-eye, and both of them feel a hitch in their breathing as Subaru continues, “Please. Come with me, and join the Emilia camp.”
Now, with his vision blurring, Reinhard can only say, shakily, “Subaru… I…” He swallows. “I swear to never leave you behind as well.”
Reinhard jolts when Subaru pecks his cheek. “Hey, turn that frown upside down!” Subaru’s grip on his shoulders loosen as he insists, “You’re Reinhard. Plain and simple. You’re not walking talking Divine Protections, are you?”
“...No?” Reinhard pretends that his face hasn’t flushed pink again, pretends that he isn’t faltering even with how hard Subaru is trying to help him.
Subaru gives an enthusiastic nod. He pokes Reinhard’s nose with a satisfied grin. The corners of his mouth twitch. “See? You’re Reinhard, the prettiest and nicest person I know. Other than Emilia-tan. But, you do have your own beauty. Obviously. You’d have to be blind not to notice.”
It’s Reinhard’s turn to watch Subaru squirm when he teases, “You… truly think so?”
Subaru moves to fiddle with the crystal around his neck. His hand squeezes the chain of it, hard enough for his fingers to lighten. “Y-yeah!” he exclaims with a soft laugh. “When we first met, I totally, totally didn’t fawn over how your eyes are a nice sky blue and how your nice guy index was off the charts, and—“
Reinhard leans forward to leave a gentle kiss on Subaru’s forehead.
Subaru recoils, just slightly, before straightening, and Reinhard can almost picture that dead, dead expression on Subaru’s face.
Reinhard… doesn’t want to see Subaru like that ever again. Subaru looks best here — blushing cheeks and his lips parted in mild surprise. Though there’s that same hesitance, that same fear, almost, and Reinhard wants to drive it away.
This is a mistake… isn’t it? But if it’s Subaru, if it’s for him, if this is what he wants, then perhaps it isn’t too much of one… right?
Even if Reinhard can never comprehend any of this — especially not Subaru himself, who's as untouchable and confusing as ever.
Reinhard ducks his head sheepishly. “Ah. My apologies, I… haven’t exactly done this before, so you’ll have to forgive me for my inexperience.”
“Oh, don’t be like that! It’s alright,” Subaru says. Like measured steps, one after another. “You don’t need to apologize. Really, this means a lot to me — and you’ve already done so much for me, for all of us, you know?” Jokingly, he pokes Reinhard’s chest as he admits, “I’ve always admired you. Seriously, you’re so good it makes my heart flutter! Save some of that purity for the rest of us, will ya?”
Warmth and guilt wash over Reinhard like the confusing, unreadable emotions that Subaru appears to be drowning in.
But he asks, hesitant yet eager, “Do you… really think of me so highly?”
Subaru huffs. “Well, duh. Every moment I spend with you is precious to me, just like how you’re precious to me!” With a pout, he complains in a stage-whisper, “Especially since these past couple months have felt like they’ve gone on forever.”
“Forever,” Reinhard echoes, quietly.
Subaru moves closer once more, close enough to see his glistening eyes and the crystal at his neck reflecting light. Then his hand goes to rest along the curve of Reinhard’s jawline, and Reinhard leans into it with a poorly-hidden eagerness.
“But hey,” Subaru says softly. Apologetically, even. “Forever isn’t so bad with you.”
Subaru’s touch is a light pressure on Reinhard’s chin, as his thumb ghosts Reinhard’s lips. Shivering, Reinhard’s eyes start fluttering closed. His heart skips a beat, then another, and —
“I’ve always admired you,” Subaru repeats. With only inches of space between them, it’s even sweeter feeling the words breathed out against Reinhard’s skin. “And, if anything, it’s me that doesn’t deserve you.”
Something breaks deep inside Reinhard as emotions flash, one after another. Exhilaration, relief, guilt, and even the faintest bit of subdued satisfaction, almost, as the lines between his feelings and Subaru’s blur together.
If only this could last forever.
There’s no words for this… is there? Except, perhaps —
“You’re doing so well, Reinhard,” Subaru murmurs. “And I promise I’ll try as many times as it takes to get this right with you.”
He breathes out a quiet, mournful sigh before brushing his lips to Reinhard’s. And it’s a soft, delicate thing — because somehow, the monstrosity in him eases with that warmth.
Subaru doesn’t know this, but the next time Reinhard is called to Subaru’s room, it’s because his corpse is lying on the floor.
As the sunlight illuminates the tear streaks on his face, his lips are parted to gush out blood from his bitten off tongue.