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Joaquin knew Sam was cheating on Sergeant Barnes.
Nope. He did not suspect it. He knew it.
And Lord, he wished he didn’t.
Ever since Sergeant Barnes… Bucky. He had asked Joaquin to call him Bucky the last time he had visited their home in Delacroix. Ever since Sergeant Bucky had retired, Joaquin had stepped into his position of being Sam’s back-up on the ground. That was always his job anyway but with the Sergeant around, his presence had been redundant. And he had no issues with that to be honest. As long as Captain America was safe, right? And who could be more invested in keeping him safe than his boyfriend?
Joaquin had been there when the Sergeant had announced his wishes to retire. “Announced” is the… polite way to put it. “Stewed in his own guilt till it erupted out of him in bursts of sobbing and incessant apologizing” is more like it. Joaquin would have walked out of the scene and let the couple have their own private moment had they not been forty thousand feet away from the ground. The best he could do was try to make himself invisible by locking himself away in the pilot’s cabin, making no sounds and pretending that he did not exist. Sam had spent the entirety of their flight from Georgia (the country, not the state) to DC holding Bucky in his arms and reassuring him for the thousandth time that it was okay for him to be tired, to take rest.
A bizarre realization had dawned on Joaquin that day. Unlike Steve Rogers or Sam or even himself, the Sergeant… Bucky had never signed up for this. Bucky had never signed up for the war. He was drafted. It was almost impossible to come to terms with the idea that all Bucky had ever wanted to do was read books, save cats and perfect the art of making buttercream flowers. And man, Joaquin had to admit- Bucky’s frosting flowers were surreal! Now that was a sentence he could never have imagined saying but Bucky did have the most happening Instagrammable café in Delacroix and that was the truth.
And now Bucky was getting cheated on. Joaquin didn’t suspect. He knew.
Joaquin spent a lot of time with Sam. Too much time to not know where Sam was sneaking off to in the middle of his missions. And he didn’t just sneak off for a night. He vanished for days on end. He always had these affairs when he was away from Bucky. Joaquin could guess why. It took a brave, brave man to cheat on the Winter Soldier.
And yes, affairs. Plural. That was the part that disturbed Joaquin the most. Sam didn’t just slip up once or lose his mind because of one special person. Multiple locations, multiple people, multiple genders. Sam had eventually started following Sam around. And yes, these were affairs. It’s not like Joaquin had spotted a hickey on Sam’s neck or anything. Sam was obviously too smart for that. But it was the hush that surrounded these clandestine meet-ups that drove Joaquin up the walls. If there weren’t affairs, why hide them? He was after all Sam’s partner on the field. If these meetings had anything to do with the job, why not just tell him what this was all about? And these were definitely secrets that Bucky or Sarah weren’t supposed to know about either. Joaquin had tried bringing up the issue of Sam’s recent-most disappearance when he had been invited to one of their family dinners. Sam had promptly choked on his piece of garlic bread and dismissed the matter by saying, “Let’s not talk about work at the table, yeah?” Later, he had even dragged Joaquin aside to tell him, “Hey. It’s nothing, you know? Just a pet project. You don’t have to tell Bucky.”
Joaquin was being driven out of his mind. It would perhaps be better if he knew that Bucky suspected Sam too. Or that he was giving Sam the cold shoulder or something. But nope. Bucky seemed as head over heels in love with Sam as he always was. And Sam’s acting, back at home, was Oscar-worthy. It disgusted Joaquin. To see him kiss or touch Bucky as if he still cared about him. It’s not like Joaquin had a great relationship with Bucky but of late, he had an inkling that Bucky was warming up to him. He had after all included Joaquin on his ugly sweater making list for Christmas. Joaquin would always cherish the orange monstrosity that Bucky had mailed to him as a present. The sparrow on the front truly bore an eerie resemblance to him.
So, when Bucky finally confessed that he regularly frequented baby name sites because “It’s nothing. It’s just… this imaginary thing I have. It’s stupid but you know… I often wonder what our kid would look like. Sam and mine. Ugh, this is dumb. Tell anyone about this and they’ll never find your body”… This. This is when Joaquin snaps.
Here was a man making wish babies in his mind and there was his partner making lord knows how many real babies with lord knows how many real people.
“Sam, we need to talk.”
Joaquin tried to keep his voice firm. He would have to do it at the dinner table. There were no other options. Sam had made it clear that he didn’t want to discuss this issue at all in private. So, this is how they would have to go about it. No matter how uncomfortable it got. Power through it, Torres, power through it.
Sam looked up, clearly confused at his tone. This was one of his monthly dinners at the Wilson-Barnes’. Bucky had been on a roll about how socialism was essential to bring down the cost of good elementary school education when Joaquin decided to put his foot down.
“I said- we need to talk,” Joaquin repeated himself in the dead silence.
“About what?” Sam asked, wiping his mouth with the napkin. Bucky’s French onion soup clearly came second now.
Surprisingly, it was Bucky who interrupted Joaquin the moment he opened his mouth to speak up.
“Come on fellas, let’s not ruin dinner with all this serious talk. I mean, I did spend exactly seven hours cooking up this…”
Joaquin frowned, slightly taken aback. But he powered on. He had to.
“Bucky, you need to hear this. I didn’t want to interfere in your personal affairs but this… this has been happening right in front of my eyes for at least a year. Bucky, Sam is…”
Two things happened simultaneously. One expected and one very unexpected. Sam leapt up from his chair and yelled, “Stop!” Expected.
But.
Bucky also leapt up from his chair and yelled “Stop!”
And… wait what?
Joaquin looked at the pair, dumfounded. The “cheating on you” part died down in this throat. But it was gradually dawning on him that he didn’t need to say that part.
Bucky knew.
“So…” Joaquin pulled at his collar to loosen it, “Is this like… like a weird kinky sex thing you both do? Sleep with other people?”
This time Sam was the one who squeaked out, “Wait, what?”
Joaquin turned his eyes to look at Bucky and then at Sam.
Oh.
Ohhhh.
“You didn’t know Bucky knew that you were cheating.”
“I wasn’t…”
Joaquin turned towards Bucky again, “Why didn’t you… you knew all along, right?”
During the course of this conversation, something strange had happened to Bucky. The same guy who had been ranting about exorbitant school fees five minutes ago was now slumped down in his chair. He looked old… frail. It was one of the most disconcerting things Joaquin had ever seen. At Joaquin’s question, he nodded. It looked like exhaustion had seeped into his very bones.
“I knew, yes.”
Sam made a weird sound from the other end of the table. Something meant to convey indignation and confusion in equal proportions.
“What on earth does that mean?” he burst out when he could find his voice finally.
Bucky gave him a tired smile.
“I knew you were going behind my back… and Torres’ back to meet other people. I didn’t… sneak up on you or anything, I promise. It’s just that… I called Torres once to ask him what his favourite flower was. I was going to put those on your birthday cake,” he explained to Joaquin, “And I couldn’t get him on the phone. No matter how many times I tried. Then I realized it made sense. You both were supposed to be in Bashkortostan. Of course, you both wouldn’t be reachable there. But the thing is…” Bucky let out a joyless laugh, “You were. Reachable.”
Bucky turned to Joaquin.
“That’s because he was right here in the US. I got curious that one time and had Rhodey trace you. Okay, I’ll be honest. I got him to trace you a few more times after that. I told him I was just worried. But I stopped after the fifth time. I promise. You did a hell lot of travelling for… Must have been important.”
Joaquin suddenly felt the bizarre need to defend Sam. Especially because the man looked… well, he looked like he was ready to die.
“He… uh. It’s not like he left me in danger or anything. It was a diplomatic visit sort of a thing… But, why didn’t you say something? If you knew?”
Bucky smiled again. Joaquin wished he would stop. The smile was probably intended to mask his real emotions but all it did was clash with the devastated look in his eyes and made him impossible to look at.
“Because he didn’t do anything wrong.”
There was a sharp gasp from Sam’s side of the table but Joaquin couldn’t look away from the naked display of pain in front of him.
“What does that mean?”
“Sam didn’t do anything wrong,” Bucky stressed even more firmly. “I know who I am. What I am. I know what I can offer to a man. Don’t look at me like that, Torres. This isn’t self-pity or anything. I was being shrewd. That’s it. I knew I couldn’t make Sam stick around forever. I knew he deserved better and I… when I realised that he had actually found ‘better’, I decided to keep him around for as long as I could despite his feelings for… for ‘better’. If I didn’t throw a fit, if I didn’t… react- he would still come back here… come back home. I’m not an absolute idiot, you know? I had dreams of… But I knew it would never happen. We wouldn’t get married and we wouldn’t have babies and we wouldn’t grow old together. But at least I could have him… his love, for a little while.” He turned towards Sam. “I would have let you go, I promise. I mean, when you decided to leave… I would let you leave. I might be selfish but I do love you. I love you enough to not watch you suffer.”
Bucky’s words left behind them an eerie vacuum. All that could be said… should be said, was swallowed up in that nothingness.
Joaquin suddenly found himself wishing that Sam had found anyone else… any other fucking idiot to love. Any other fucking idiot to betray. It would still be terrible but he would deal with it. Because this man in front of him, the man who was broken beyond recognition, was Bucky Barnes. The same Bucky Barnes whose archnemesis was seventy-two-year-old Martha Jones from across the street. (“Martha, I know you’ve been stealing my recipes. Jodie showed me your frosting. No way you could have done that on your own!”) The same Bucky Barnes who threw a baby shower for the heavily pregnant stray cat who waddled into the house one day, looking like she owned the place. The same Bucky Barnes who has the blackest of black thumbs and manages to kill every plant in his general vicinity. Yes, even the cactus which Joaquin gifted him for his birthday.
This is Bucky Barnes. And he shouldn’t look like that… sound like that.
“I was tracking down your family.”
Sam’s voice cut through the vacuum suddenly.
Joaquin had no idea what he was talking about so he looked at Bucky, who didn’t seem to be faring any better.
“What are you…”
“I was looking for your family,” it was Sam’s turn to power through, “The Barneses. I know why you wanted to hide from them but… you were getting better and… Rebecca passed away this May. She was ninety-eight. Joyce is alive and well. She’s lives in Italy with her husband. But most of her children are settled in the States. Which brings me to your youngest sister, Anne Marie. You never told me… well, I don’t think you knew but she’s in Philadelphia. She was one of the activists who spearheaded the whole fight for Marriage Equality. She’s a really big deal, you know? I had to write a whole paper on one of her books in college. Rebecca’s grandson Liam and Joyce’s granddaughter Liza helped me out a lot. Met them both in LA. With Anne Marie, it was easier. I just had to connect some very obvious dots. She provided me with a lot of other contacts as well. The Howling Commandoes? Jim Morita, Gabe Jones and James Falsworth are all still alive and they were ecstatic to hear that you’re… well. I needed to meet them all personally because I needed to figure out how they would react upon meeting you. I didn’t want any… nasty surprises.”
Both Joaquin and Bucky stared at Sam, jaws hanging.
“Surprises...?” Joaquin tried asking but Sam raised a hand.
“I wanted them to be there for the proposal, Torres. I have my family here. Only seemed fair to have Bucky's family here as well. I wanted to ask Bucky to marry me.”
Joaquin gasped. Which was a normal reaction. Bucky, on the other hand, had the exact opposite of a normal reaction. The man looked like he had just been stabbed in the gut.
It didn’t take a genius to figure out Sam was furious. But Joaquin knew Sam enough to understand he was also using his anger to mask his pain.
Sam zeroed in on Bucky.
“I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have kids with you and I wanted to grow old with you. The whole shebang. But apparently I’m the idiot here who thinks we can have those things. Did I fuck up? Hell yes, I did. I wanted to keep the whole thing a secret till the proposal. Now I realise what a stupid fucking idea that was and I do apologise for it. I do… but what you said right now? I don’t know how to… Had you just screamed at me because I, like an absolute idiot, made you think I was cheating on you- that would have been super embarrassing for me but we could have sorted that out. What you said… how do we sort that out, Buck? How do we move past that?”
Joaquin wanted to sink into a puddle on the floor because Sam’s voice… he had never heard Sam Wilson sound like that. That desperate. If he kept staring at the table, he could perhaps ignore the tears gradually forming in Sam’s eyes but how could he shield his ears from the very telling crack in Sam’s voice?
“Past tense,” Bucky spoke up finally, “Whatever you said… whatever you wanted, you said it in the past tense. So, you don’t…” he took in a deep breath to steady himself, “You don’t want me now?”
Sam rushed towards Bucky to kneel down in front of his chair and grasp both of his hands in his own.
“James Buchanan Barnes,” he tried to overcome the tremor evident in his voice, “Buck. I have wanted you, I want you now and I will want you in the every fucking tense in the English language. Forever.” He pressed a kiss to Bucky’s knuckles before continuing, “But I am taking back my proposal.”
Oh my god, stop making him sad! Joaquin wanted to scream out loud. Bucky looked two seconds away from breaking down completely. But Sam seemed to be in control of the situation now so Joaquin shut his mouth and sat tight.
Sam lifted Bucky’s face by his chin.
“You’ll propose to me. Whenever you feel ready. Whenever you feel you are worth the effort, ask me,” Sam’s voice was firm. He had clearly given this some thought. “I’m not going to shit on you for your insecurities. But I also cannot let you passively be dragged along for this ride. I want to have a baby with you some day and I refuse to let that child believe that one of us is any less in love with the other. That one of us is settling. I was the one who kissed you after you vanished off the face of the earth for a month because you had a crush on me. I was the one who dragged you around to look at apartments even though you kept telling everyone but me that you wanted to move in with me. I cannot be the only one who believes in our ‘happily ever after’ and you cannot live your life expecting the worst. So, this time, I need you to tell me, whenever you’re ready… I need you to tell me what you want.”
Bucky was staring into Sam’s eyes, transfixed. He no longer looked petrified. He just looked like his heart was in his throat. Literally.
“I…” he tried clearing his voice, to no avail. It continued wobbling dangerously. “I… uh. Viola.”
Sam started at him blankly. “What?”
“I want us to have a daughter named Viola. Those baby name blogs aren’t of much use. So, I settled with Viola. From Twelfth Night. I want her to look like you. I want her to be like you. I just want her to have my dancing skills. That’s…” Bucky lowered his eyes, “That’s what I want.”
Sam let out a breath.
“That’s not what I want though.”
Bucky looked up fearfully, clearly trying to decide whether he should take his hands back from Sam’s grasp.
However, Sam continued, “I want her to look like you too. I want her to have your eyes and your dumb nose.” He leaned forward to nudge the tip of Bucky’s nose with his own which forced a reluctant giggle out of Bucky. “And I want her to be as kind as you somehow manage to be towards those furry monsters from hell. And most importantly,” he cupped Bucky’s face to look him in the eyes again, “I don’t want her to have your shitty dance moves.”
As Bucky and Sam fell for each other all over again, a sudden thought occurred to Joaquin.
“Umm… not to interrupt you guys or anything but, does this mean that that tremendously hot brunette you were meeting at that bar in LA is… available?”
He was zero percent surprised when a spoon flew towards him in a perfect trajectory smacked him in the face.
“Stay the fuck away from my grandchildren, Torres!”