Chapter Text
If I Had Loved You Less
Prologue
/ / /
Jason’s sitting at the kitchen table doing his best to not pull out his hair. The little girl in front of him is as stubborn as her father and not budging an inch in their current negotiation.
“Darlin’, we’ve talked about this. Cheerios are great—but you can’t live on just Cheerios.”
“Yes.”
Jason runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “No. How about carrots? You like carrots!” Jason picks up a baby carrot from the tupperware in front of him, taking a bite and making an exaggerated Yum sound.
“No!”
Jason swallows the carrot and pushes another dish forward.
“Strawberries. I know you love strawberries—just like your daddy.”
“No!”
If he’d gotten more than three hours sleep last night, Jason might have more will power, might be able to wait out the little girl sitting in front of him until she gives in and eats something other than cheerios for the first time in three days.
I’ll never hear the end of this if the playgroup finds out.
Instead he resorts to bribery.
“Okay kiddo, what do you want? You can have anything you want if you eat these carrots or the strawberries. You don’t have to eat both—just eat one and I’ll give you whatever you want.”
The little girl considers his offer for a moment and Jason sends up a silent prayer that she doesn’t ask for a cat. On their last trip to Gotham, she’d been obsessed with Alfred the cat and Damian had gone so far as to rescue a kitten from the Narrows for her.
They’d managed to leave the kitten in Gotham, much to the dismay of Bruce, Alfred, and Alfred the cat.
Damian was delighted of course.
Lian hadn’t been too upset, though Jason’s pretty sure she didn’t realize Damian had gotten the kitten for her. But she’s been asking for a cat ever since they got back to Star and while Jason doesn’t mind lying in general, he almost never lies to Lian.
He’s never broken a promise to her either, but he really doesn’t want a cat. Their life isn’t exactly normal and introducing a cat into the chaos seems like the second worst idea he’s ever had.
Your last worst idea worked out pretty well though.
Lian claps her hands suddenly, delighted with whatever she’s decided to request. Jason pictures the calico Damian rescued and braces himself.
“Daddy!”
Jason feels his heart sink but gives her a small smile. He shouldn’t be surprised.
Lian’s favorite topic of late is her idiot father. Not that Jason blames her. Roy’s his favorite topic to think about too... most of the time anyways.
“You want another story about daddy, is that it?”
Lian nods her head excitedly before picking up a strawberry slice and eating it whole.
She doesn’t move to eat another one though, staring at Jason with a Well? What are you waiting for? expression.
Jason lets out a low chuckle; Roy used to have the same expression.
Jason taps his chin thoughtfully, trying to think of a new story to tell Lian. After nearly two years together she’s heard most of his stories about Roy. Dick and Kori’s, too.
He hasn’t told her about Paris though.
“How about... I tell you about the time I took your daddy to Paris?”
Lian eats another strawberry slice and nods her head enthusiastically.
Jason smiles and over the next few minutes Lian watches him, enraptured by the story of him and Roy running around Paris. He skims over the less child-friendly aspects of the tale, and doesn't mention all the little things that made him fall in love with Roy on that trip.
Jason hadn’t realized he was in love with Roy at the time. Hadn’t realized it till it was too late—till after he left and Roy was back with the Titans.
Now it’s too late.
Not that he ever deserved a chance.
By the time he’s finished the story, Lian’s eaten all of the strawberry slices and the carrots.
Jason feels a spark of pride shoot through him. He always does in moments like these. Moments when he feels like maybe he’s getting the whole ‘parenthood’ thing right.
Moments like these don’t happen often, though Oliver and Dinah and his own family all insist that he’s too hard on himself. But he can’t mess this up. He has to get it right.
For Roy.
“That’s my girl. Now let’s get you changed and then we’ll head over to Grandpa Ollie’s.”
Lian jumps out of her chair and races to her room as fast as her little legs can carry her, yelling the whole way.
“Hurry Jayjay hurry!”
Jason may not be as thrilled to see Oliver as Lian is, but her joy is infectious—always has been—and he finds himself smiling as he chases after her.
“I’m coming Darlin’, I’m coming!”
Jason laughs as he chases after her, stepping around discarded toys and stray socks. He accidentally kicks a ball into a wall of photographs though and Jason silently curses.
Alfred would be appalled at the clutter but Jason can’t bring himself to move. Not yet. This was Roy’s last apartment in Star and Jason wants to hold on to it as long as possible.
Straightening the photos, Jason can't help but smile at the memories.
Roy as Speedy.
The Titans at the beach.
Dick cuddling his goddaughter.
Oliver, Dinah and Lian at the park.
Roy and Kori holding ice creams.
Jason holding a sleeping Lian.
Lian chewing on Bruce’s tie.
“I’m ready Jayjay!”
Jason finally tears himself away from the photographs and takes the few final steps into Lian’s room.
At four years old, Lian has begun insisting she picks out her own outfits. It’s made for some rather genius fashion statements and for some very embarrassing photographs Jason is sure to torture her with as a teenager.
Today she’s changed her shirt, leaving the pink unicorn behind for the kid-sized Poison t-shirt Oliver had bought her a few months ago.
Roy had terrible taste in music, but Lian’s going to have the same taste if Jason has anything to say about it.
Surprisingly, the shirt pairs nicely with the black and white polka dot pants Lian has also decided to wear, though her light-up shoes are on the wrong feet.
“Nice outfit kiddo. But let’s fix your shoes so you don’t hurt your feet, okay?”
Lian giggles and shakes her head, but she lets Jason switch her shoes around before dashing for the door.
Jason laughs and calls after her retreating figure. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you like grandpa Ollie better than me!”
Lian only laughs.
When Jade showed up on his doorstep two years ago every bone in his body screamed at him to say No. To tell her to pick someone else—anyone else. Because he was absolutely the last person who should be involved in raising a child.
He named everyone he could think of who was more qualified to raise a kid. He’d even included Bruce on that list, but Jade had just looked at him with a determined expression.
You’d be Roy’s first choice.
Roy would be Roy’s first choice, Jason had thought bitterly.
Jason’s too.
But Roy wasn’t here to make that choice.
He was six feet under and never even knew Lian existed.
Jade says she regrets not telling Roy about their daughter, and maybe she does. But Jason can’t help but think that if Roy had known about Lian, maybe he’d still be alive. Maybe he never would have gone to Sanctuary. Maybe they’d be raising Lian toget—.
If Roy were alive, Jason has no doubts that he’d be a part of Lian’s life. But he wouldn’t have a hand in raising her, that's for sure. Roy was an idiot, but he wasn’t that stupid.
Lian stamps her foot by the front door, impatient as ever.
Jason grabs his phone and his keys before picking Lian up and setting her on his hip.
“Okay Darlin’, remember what we talked about. When you see Grandpa Ollie today, what are you going to say?”
“Batman rules!”
Lian throws her little hands in the air as she says it and Jason laughs as he adjusts his hold on her to keep her from falling.
“That’s my girl. Okay let’s go.”
/ / /