Work Text:
The house
The house is surprisingly pleasant for a den inhabited by blood-sucking creatures of the night. Like all vampiric abodes, it is somewhat dark, the windows draped in blackout curtains, but the occupants eschew the Gothic style favoured by most of their kind.
The furniture is rustic, the colour scheme warm, the overall effect homey and lived-in. There are a lot of books. The most common remark made by the documentary crew about the interior decoration is that it reminds them of their grandmother's house.
"We redecorated recently," explains the most senior of the vampires. "In the 1970s. That's why the house looks so modern. Did you see our refrigerator? We're very proud of our refrigerator. You won't see many vampires' houses with such modern conveniences."
Leading the crew to the kitchen, he opens the fridge door with a flourish.
It is observed that the fridge is currently being used to store books.
"Oh, it doesn't work," explains another vampire, who was in the middle of watching a drama on an ancient black-and-white TV set when the crew arrived. "We don't have electricity. I mean, technically we should, but we keep getting cut off because the Captain forgets to pay the bill."
"But ... didn't you have the TV on?" ventures the interviewer.
"Oh, that," says the drama-watching vampire. "I was using magic, not electricity."
"Electricity wasn't really a thing in the Captain's day," says the most youthful-looking vampire. "He was an officer in the Joseon Army. For about 300 years."
"As a soldier, he is used to material deprivation," says the fourth vampire, who is the best-looking.
"Yes," says the drama fan gloomily.
Interview #1
Pyo Chi-su: "There are five of us, and we are – ahem – vampires. How did we become vampires? Ah, well, therein lies a tale. It begins during the reign of King Jungjong, in the Third Literati Purge of 1519. I was then a scholar, but my life was cut short by a cruel destiny."
Kim Ju-meok: "He means he had dysentery. He never actually passed any examinations, so nobody would have bothered purging him."
Chi-su: (with dignity) "I nearly died. In fact, I did die. It was our dark master who saved me, by remaking me in his sinister image."
Geum Eun-dong: "He just means the Captain."
Park Kwang-beom: (in reproof) "You know the Captain hates it when you call him our dark master."
Interviewer: "Who is the Captain?"
The vampires gesture at a picture on the wall behind them. It's an imposing portrait of a man in traditional military attire, his hands lost in voluminous sleeves. His expression is solemn, his eyes melancholy.
Ju-meok: "He's actually much better-looking than that."
Murmurs of agreement from the other vampires.
Eun-dong: "The Captain turned all of us."
Kwang-beom: "Only because we would have died otherwise. He was my superior officer in the army. I got killed in the Siege of Pyongyang, in 1593."
Eun-dong: "I had terminal cancer when I was 17. The Captain was volunteering at my hospital at the time."
Interviewer: "Volunteering?"
Ju-meok: "Blood banks."
Eun-dong: "The Captain doesn't believe in feeding on living people."
They all look wistful.
Interviewer: "Can we talk to the Captain? Is he here?"
The vampires look at one another.
Kwang-beom: "I don't think that's a good idea."
Chi-su: "You see, the Captain does not like being a vampire. He doesn't do any of the usual vampire things. Like having human familiars, he disapproves of that. He doesn't let any of us hunt. I haven't even smelt a virgin in 500 years … "
Ju-meok: (visibly resisting saying, "Except your own self") "He doesn't even really like living off the blood banks."
Chi-su: "He has the wrong attitude to being a vampire. Don't think I have not tried to advise him. I have told him, time and again, he should take pride in being an unholy creature of the night. There is a dignity to it -- a dark glamour which I, of course, exemplify. But he does not listen."
Ju-meok: "If you're the example of dark glamour he's supposed to aspire to, that's hardly surprising."
Kwang-beom: "The Captain isn't into dark glamour."
Interviewer: "What is he into?"
The vampires reflect.
Eun-dong: "Mostly he stays in his room and plays Chopin."
Kwang-beom: "We think he is depressed."
A brief unhappy silence.
Ju-meok: "To be honest, it gets us all down. And it's not like it's easy to get mental health treatment as a vampire. We're all kind of depressed."
Chi-su: "And hungry."
The vampires lapse into silence, gazing at the crew with the contemplative intentness with which a dog might regard its owner's dinner.
Interviewer: (nervously) "Well! That's, uh, that's enough for today, I think. Let me just check my notes –- oh, Kim Ju-meok, I don't think you said how you came to be turned into a vampire?"
Ju-meok: (embarrassed) "Oh, I died. In fact, I, er, I committed suicide."
Interviewer: "That's terrible."
Ju-meok: "It was very sad. A great tragedy drove me to it."
Interviewer: "May I ask what happened?"
Ju-meok: "Well … have you seen the last episode of the drama Stairway to Heaven?"
Interview #2
Laszlo Cravensworth: "Jeong-hyeok Ri? Yes, he's an acquaintance of old. He's infamous among the ranks of vampires for two things. Refusing to drink the fresh blood of living human beings, and almost certainly being a virgin at the age of 600 despite being incredibly attractive."
Nadja of Antipaxos: "He is so hot. Disgusting diet -- practically a vegetarian -- but hot. But sexless, like a doll."
Doll Nadja: "I object to that comparison. I've seen way more action than that guy ever has."
Laszlo: "It's true. It's said Ri was turned after being killed in battle because his sire felt he was too beautiful to die."
Nadja: "A complete waste of a face like that. Just think, no one has ever sat on that face!"
Laszlo: "We have tried to, as you might say, hit it. We once invited him to join us for a threesome."
Nadja: "More than once. First we asked him in English, but he pretended he didn't speak English."
Laszlo: "So then we asked in German, but that he also pretended not to understand."
Nadja: "We spent several years studying Korean and asked again, but then the building we were in blew up."
Laszlo: "It turned out he had in fact mined the building. So that it would blow up."
Interviewer: "So you stopped asking?"
Nadja: "No. He just stopped coming to vampire parties."
Laszlo: "Ri, if you're watching, the offer's still open." (winks)
The bad day
The vampires have clearly forgotten that they agreed shooting would start today.
"Today is not a good day," says Chi-su in a whisper. All four vampires are huddled together in the living room, looking miserable. "The Captain is in a bad mood."
"It's his fault," says Ju-meok, giving him an evil look. "None of this would have happened if not for him."
"You all had some!"
"If you bring in a virgin with blood coming out all over him, of course we're going to have some!"
The camera pans out to show an exsanguinated corpse on the floor, spread out at the vampires' feet. They look down at him.
"I feel bad about it now," says Eun-dong sorrowfully. "But I was so hungry. It's like a red mist rose before my eyes … "
"That was the blood," says Kwang-beom.
They all heave a wistful sigh.
"Did you even know his name?" says Ju-meok to Chi-su.
"I didn't ask," says Chi-su. "It wasn't relevant, since we were going to eat him! It's not natural, vampires not feeding on humans. We can't live by blood banks alone."
"The Captain is very unhappy," Kwang-beom tells the camera.
"He's angry that you killed a person?" says the interviewer, but Kwang-beom shakes his head.
"Not angry," he says. "I wouldn't say he's angry. More … disappointed."
The vampires sigh again. Then Chi-su's head comes up.
"Wait," he says. "What's that noise?"
The vampires hear it first, but soon it's loud enough that the crew can't miss it, either. Howling. A lot of howling, as though every stray dog in Seoul has congregated outside. Or …
"Werewolves!" says Kwang-beom, scrambling up and rushing to the window.
Before he even gets there, a cloud of black smoke explodes into the room, coalescing in the form of a man.
He is, indeed, extremely hot. He doesn't look that depressed, however, on account of looking furious.
"What's that doing on the floor?" snaps the vampire known as the Captain. "Pyo Chi-su, you will please dispose of your murder victim with all suitable rites." He crosses the room in two long strides, flinging back a curtain.
"That's a lot of werewolves," remarks Ju-meok, peering over his shoulder.
"I've never seen werewolves wear suits," say Eun-dong, wide-eyed. "They must be a new pack."
"They look like humans, because there is no full moon tonight, but we can tell they are werewolves because of the smell," explains Kwang-beom to the camera.
Even the crew can smell it. There's a distinct aroma of wet dog, with an undertone of fresh garbage.
"They're going to wake the neighbours if they keep making all that noise," says Ju-meok.
"There's nothing to worry about," says Chi-su. "Look at them! Everyone knows werewolves thinks formal attire means not licking your balls in public. If any humans see these guys, they will simply assume we have been surrounded by NIS agents."
"That's still a problem," says Kwang-beom. "We don't want any human attention!"
"They seem kind of angry," says Eun-dong.
"But we haven't done anything to break the vampire-werewolf truce recently, have we?" says Ju-meok. "I mean, we never go out."
The Captain is standing by the window, frowning.
"Pyo Chi-su," he says, "are you certain the man you murdered was a human?"
They look at the corpse. On closer inspection, it is unusually hairy.
Chi-su gulps. "Shit."
"Werewolves of Seoul," announces Chi-su. "We know what brings you here and you should know that we did not kill this member of your pack on purpose. That is to say, we did intend to kill him, and then we did it –- "
"You mean, you killed him," whispers Ju-meok.
"And then we all fed on him, following the natural urges of creatures of the night such as we ... "
"You are digressing," says the Captain.
"The point is," says Chi-su, "we didn't know he was a werewolf. We thought he was a human! There is no way I would have killed him and drunk his blood if I'd known he was a werewolf. It may have been 1519 since I last had a decent meal, but I do have some standards."
Neither the werewolves crowded outside the vampires' residence, nor the vampires arrayed on the doorstep, seem impressed by this speech.
"What the hell are you talking about?" says one werewolf, a slick-looking customer in an expensive suit and designer glasses. He looks like the kind of guy who always flies first class but never tips at restaurants.
Suppressing a sigh, the Captain says, "What my roommate is trying to say is, he's very sorry for killing a member of your pack. We will make all necessary restitution, in accordance with the protocols."
"No, I mean, what are you talking about?" says another werewolf. This guy also looks like he flies first class, but in contrast to the first guy, he's the kind who gropes flight attendants and gets into fistfights with waitstaff. "Which member of the pack did you kill?"
The Captain nods at the other vampires. Kwang-beom and Ju-meok disappear briefly behind the door, emerging with the corpse. They prop the corpse awkwardly against the door.
"Sorry," mutters Ju-meok, giving the corpse an apologetic pat.
There is a blank silence as the werewolves stare at the remains of their fallen comrade. Then:
"Who's that?" says Never Tipper.
"Hold on," says Gropes and Fistfights, squinting. "I recognise him. Isn't that guy from IT? He came to my office once to fix my computer."
"Is he from our IT department?" says Never Tipper to a pack member.
"Yes, Mr Yoon," confirms the werewolf. "Jeong Hyeong-hwan. He went missing yesterday, so it was decided that he would be terminated for taking leave without notice. He's been underperforming consistently for some time."
"That's right," says Gropes and Fistfights approvingly. "We should have fired him long ago. Took him 45 minutes to fix my computer. And then he couldn't even recover my Solitaire game."
"We don't care about Mr Jeong from IT," says Never Tipper, turning back to the Captain. "We want the woman."
The Captain's forehead furrows. "What woman?" He turns to the other vampires. "Did you also murder a woman?"
Chi-su, Kwang-beom, Ju-meok and Eun-dong shake their heads. "No, Captain."
"Are you sure?" says the Captain.
"They couldn't kill this woman," says Never Tipper contemptuously.
Chi-su bridles. "As a matter of fact, though we exercise a noble restraint, we are highly skilled at killing. If we wanted to, we could easily bury any werewolf, male or female -- "
"No, my brother's right. This is our sister we're talking about, not some loser from IT," says Gropes and Fistfights. "If you'd killed her, you would have noticed. The four little ones would have been torn to pieces." He gestures at Chi-su, Kwang-beom, Ju-meok and Eun-dong.
Glancing at the Captain, he allows, "You might have survived. But the other ones would definitely have bitten it."
The Captain says, "If you don't want your … IT support guy, and we are agreed that we did not kill a woman belonging to your pack, then I don't see what you're doing here."
"Her trail leads here," says Never Tipper.
"We can smell her," growls Gropes and Fistfights, showing his teeth.
"You may be hiding her," says Never Tipper. "We will need to search your house."
The Captain stares at him. The camera wobbles as the crew recoil. Even the other vampires flinch away, despite being outside the Captain's direct line of sight.
Never Tipper shies back, but catches himself doing it and stops, looking irritated. "Well? You can either let us in, or we can break the door down. We don't need an invitation, unlike some others."
"I will ask you to leave," says the Captain, "one. Last. Time."
Interview #3
The vampires are back inside their house, looking slightly worse for wear, but –- minor cuts and bruises aside –- fine.
Ju-meok: "So today we fought off a werewolf pack."
Chi-su: "There were actually two werewolf packs, led by two brothers. They run together. That's why there were so many of them. Of course, we triumphed easily, despite being five against hundreds, but that is only what you would expect when mere werewolves try to pick a fight with elite vampires such as us -- "
Eun-dong: "There were only around thirty werewolves, weren't there?"
Kwang-beom: "No more than thirty, but they were unusually well-trained and organised. It was a close-run thing, but they weren't prepared for the Captain."
The camera pans to the Captain, who doesn't appear to have taken any damage -- or no physical damage, at least. He's contemplating the dead werewolf, looking morose.
Ju-meok: "The werewolves didn't want their guy back."
Captain Ri: "What a lonely death."
Eun-dong: "It wasn't that lonely, Captain. The four of us were there when he died."
The others are busy shushing him, when a new voice speaks.
Woman: (emerging from behind the settee) "Don't feel too sorry for him. Jeong Hyeong-hwan was a serial sexual harasser. He should have been ejected from the pack years ago, but I made the mistake of proposing it -- my brothers never want to do anything I suggest. If you hadn't killed him, I probably would have done it myself at some point."
Vampires: "Argh!"
Chi-su: "Where did you come from?"
Woman: (points at settee) "I was hiding there until the werewolves left. You did a good job there. Not many people know how to handle my brothers." (She looks around approvingly.) "This is a nice house, for a lair of vampires. Love the vintage aesthetic, very cute. I'll take the bedroom over there, but we'll have to get a proper bed in. I can't sleep on the floor, it makes my back hurt."
Kwang-beom: "How did you get in here?"
Ju-meok: "Who are you?!"
Captain Ri: "You're the woman they were looking for."
Woman: "That's me. I figured the others wouldn't want to enter a vampires' house. They'd think it was too gross. Don't get me wrong, I was grossed out as well, but needs must. This is a lot nicer than I thought it would be! You need to get rid of Jeong Hyeong-hwan, though. He is doing nothing for the smell."
Chi-su: "This is outrageous. What makes you think you can stroll in here with your fur and your mange and, and your werewolf diseases, and appropriate my bedroom? Captain, tell her!"
The woman blinks at him. She is notably unfurry, as cleanly and sleek and sharply dressed as the other werewolves, though significantly prettier.
Captain Ri: "What do your brothers want with you?"
Woman: "I've got something they covet. An object of immeasurable value."
The woman produces a small fluffy pink item that turns out to be a pig plushie. She squeezes it once and it lets out a high-pitched squeak.
Captain Ri: "A … squeaky toy?"
Woman: "That's what it looks like. It's actually a magical artefact with extraordinary powers, created by my father. Only a werewolf of my bloodline can use it. I need some time to unlock its magic. But once I've done that, I'll be able to share some of my newfound powers with you, in return for giving me temporary shelter from my enemies. Trust me, this will be worth it. Even a tiny fraction of the magic in this bad boy will keep you in virgins for the rest of your existences." (She squeaks the pig again.)
The vampires draw closer to their Captain.
Chi-su: (in a whisper) "That does sound like a good deal. She could have Eun-dong's room."
The Captain ignores him, his eyes fixed on the werewolf.
Captain Ri: "We don't need virgins."
Woman: (undaunted) "If you don't want virgins, you must want something else. The As-You-Wish Pig grants all desires."
The Captain steps forward, looming over her. The woman's head tilts up at his approach, her mouth falling slightly open.
Captain Ri: "I want you ... to get out of my house."
Woman: "Oh. You mean, I can't stay here?"
Captain Ri: (nods)
Woman: "Even though I'm offering to share with you magical powers beyond your conception? And my brothers and their lackeys will tear me to pieces if they find me? And I'll sleep on the floor if I really must?"
Captain Ri: "You are not sleeping anywhere in this house. You are leaving now, and that is final."
The woman
Chi-su is evidently in a bad mood. But then again, he's been in a bad mood for the past three weeks.
"The woman has been living here for three weeks now," he says. "It's terrible. We all hate her."
"Seri's the best," says Ju-meok.
"We love her," says Eun-dong.
"The house has been different since she came," agrees Kwang-beom.
"It's made us realise how unfairly prejudiced we were against werewolves," says Ju-meok. "All those stereotypes about them being savage and mangy and disgusting. Seri's not like that at all. Look, she got us a colour TV!"
There's a giant flatscreen TV where the old black-and-white set used to be.
"It's got Netflix on it," says Eun-dong blissfully.
"Twice a week we do drama night," says Ju-meok. "We're watching Hospital Playlist. Have you seen it?"
"We don't just have electricity now," says Eun-dong. "We have Wi-Fi."
Pyo Chi-su looks disgusted. "You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Don't you see how she's brainwashing you? That woman threw scorn on our fridge!"
"It is true it was no longer really a fridge, in the sense of refrigerating things," says Kwang-beom.
"She got us a new fridge," says Eun-dong. "It dispenses water and ice. And there's a little window where you can see what's inside. Mostly packs of blood, but it's cool!"
"I never knew life as a vampire could be like this," says Ju-meok. "It's not so much the things. Now Seri's here, it's like, just because we're blood-sucking creatures of the night doesn't mean we need to be miserable, you know?"
"The others are easily bought with trifles and fripperies," says Pyo Chi-su. "But at least the Captain is not deceived. The Captain hates having her here. He only hasn't kicked her out because she would be hunted down and torn apart by her brothers, and he is too chivalrous to allow that to happen."
Everyone looks over at the kitchen, where Captain Ri can be seen preparing a steak. Seri is leaning against the kitchen counter.
"What you need to realise," she's saying, "is how lucky you are. If I could have chosen, do you think I'd have decided to be a werewolf? Vampires have a much better reputation."
Captain Ri's lip curls. "For murdering people? You don't have to feed off human beings in order to survive."
"No, instead I get to chain myself up every full moon," says Seri. "Naked, because if I have any clothes on, I'll tear them to shreds when I change. I once went into a full moon wearing Chanel. That was the last time I made that mistake. Everything was gone the next morning, even my underwear. It was my favourite suit! You can't even imagine the carnage."
The Captain's blush suggests that he can, in fact, imagine it. He ducks his head. Seri, intent on her point, doesn't notice.
"Think of our respective public images," she says. She starts counting off traits on her fingers. "Werewolves –- hairy, howling, dependent on the lunar cycle for our powers, which primarily consist of turning into a large ugly dog. Vampires -- stylish, menacing, sexy. You don't piss everywhere, you have no associations with mange, you smell good … "
"You smell good," says Captain Ri.
Seri blinks. He meets her eyes briefly, then looks away.
"That's because I'm drenched in Diptyque," says Seri, after a moment.
Captain Ri plates up the steak -- it's decidedly blue -- and pushes it towards her.
"Put the plate in the sink when you're done," he says, and walks off.
"You see?" says Pyo Chi-su triumphantly to the camera. "He can't stand her."
Breakthrough
"Look what I've got," Seri sings out as she enters the living room. She holds her squeaky pig toy aloft.
Captain Ri can be glimpsed in the kitchen, skinning a deer. (He's been spending most of his time of late on meat preparation.) The other vampires are watching Netflix. It's testament to their affection for Seri that Ju-meok is the one to hit pause and look up.
"You've cracked it?" says Kwang-beom, eyes widening.
"Behold!" says Seri, and squeaks the toy.
The pig immediately bursts into flame –- and Seri with it. The vampires jump up. Captain Ri drops his deer and vaults over the kitchen counter.
"I'm fine!" says Seri, haloed in fire. "This is just for effect. Now, what were your deepest desires again? Geum Eun-dong, you wanted to see your mother, right? We can arrange that."
"But she died in 2015," stammers Eun-dong. "Can it really do that?"
"Of course," says Seri. "It's just a small resurrection. Nothing the As-You-Wish Pig can't handle. Kim Ju-meok, you wanted to meet Choi Ji-woo."
"The pig can do that, too?" says Ju-meok, giving the squeaky toy a respectful look.
"I could have made it happen any time, actually. I'm good friends with Choi Ji-woo," says Seri. "But I couldn't text her, my brothers would have been watching out for contact with anyone I know. Now I've unlocked the pig's powers, though, I should be safe. I can -- "
The window closest to Seri shatters as a body hurtles through it. It gets entangled in the heavy curtains and swears, but manages to fight its way out. Finally the intruder straightens up, adjusting his glasses. It's Never Tipper.
"That was indeed impressive work, unlocking the powers of the artefact," he says. "But then, your ability was never in question. Still, you know perfectly well the artefact was not intended for you, Seri. We'll have it back now, if you please."
Seri stares at him incredulously. "You must be dreaming."
A muscle in Never Tipper's jaw twitches, but he only nods. "I thought you might want to do this the hard way."
Seri folds her arms. "You sound like the villain in a badly scripted movie."
"He really does!" says Ju-meok. "I was wondering what he reminded me of. You're so smart, Seri."
Never Tipper opens his mouth, but before he can make any reply, he's shrouded by smoke. He starts, flailing, but Captain Ri is already emerging from the smoke. He picks Never Tipper up and hurls him bodily out of the window he came in by.
As if on cue, all the other windows shatter. The doors burst open. Suited werewolves flood into the house.
The Captain spins around. "Seri!"
"Don't worry about me," gasps Seri. "I've got the pig. Look after yourselves!"
"Can't the magic in that stupid thing fight off the werewolves?" yells Pyo Chi-su.
"The magic will shield me, but it can't be used to harm anyone of my bloodline, or anyone in their packs," says Seri. "My father knew what we were like."
There are werewolves everywhere. Pyo Chi-su flips a guy several times his size over his shoulder. Eun-dong hits one on the head with a frying pan. Ju-meok kicks a werewolf in the nuts, and Kwang-beom takes another down with a roundhouse kick to the chest.
Captain Ri, meanwhile, is mowing werewolves down -- but there are only five vampires, and far more werewolves than the thirty who first showed up looking for Seri.
"They must have allied with other werewolf packs," says Seri, who's hiding behind the settee from which she first emerged, weeks ago. "Promised them power from the artefact, once I worked out how to access it. Dickheads!"
"Captain!" shouts Kwang-beom, and Seri pops up from behind the settee like a jack-in-the-box.
Captain Ri is lost from view, submerged under around five werewolves, including Gropes and Fistfights. But in a moment he's up again and has given Gropes and Fistfights a bleeding nose.
"Oh," says Eun-dong in a small voice. "They've smashed the TV."
"Noooo!" cries Ju-meok. "Our Netflix!" He falls on his knees, but not before he's knocked out another werewolf with a solid punch in the solar plexus.
Seri looks over at the flatscreen TV, now with a starburst crack in the very centre. She glances at the Captain, who's fighting off eight werewolves at once.
She sighs.
"A true leader is someone who's willing to adapt her strategy as circumstances change," she murmurs. She raises her voice. "Hey, brother!"
Gropes and Fistfights looks up, wild-eyed.
"You want this, do you?" Seri waves the As-You-Wish Pig. "Then go get it!"
She squeaks the pig toy one last time and lobs it towards the open door.
There's a moment of crystalline quiet, everyone frozen and watching, as the pig toy describes an improbably large arc through the air. It disappears through the door.
"The pack member who delivers that to me gets a 100% bonus!" shouts Never Tipper, and the werewolves rush out of the house in a body.
They leave behind a scene of utter destruction. Seri has to pick her way through broken furniture and smashed glass to shut the door. She turns back to face the vampires.
"Are you guys OK?" she says. "Don't worry about the TV, Eun-dong. We can get a replacement. It's insured."
"But the Netflix," says Ju-meok.
"Yeah, don't worry about that either, that's all stored in the clou -- I don't have time to explain how it works, but you won't even have lost your place in the episode you were watching," says Seri. "The more important thing is that you're all all right. Are you?"
But she's gazing at the Captain. He looks battered, though in a way that only makes him more attractive. He says, "What's your plan with the pig?"
Seri shrugs. "It should keep the wolf packs distracted for a while. I told it not to stop before it hits Jeju. My brothers will get ahold of it eventually, but then it'll be up to them to fight it out between them. They'll have what they want, so they'll have no reason to come back here looking for me." She hesitates. "I guess they'll have no reason to think I'm here anyway. I don't need to hide from them anymore, now I no longer have the pig."
"Do you want to leave?" says Captain Ri.
Seri raises her chin, as though bracing herself for a blow. "Do you want me to stay?"
"Of course not," huffs Pyo Chi-su.
"Yes," says Eun-dong, "don't go!"
They're both hushed by Ju-meok and Kwang-beom, both of whom have by now had enough education from twice-a-week drama nights to know a big scene when they see one.
The Captain and Seri seem to have forgotten there's anyone else in the room anyway.
"Why did you give up the pig?" says Captain Ri, in a low voice. "You worked so hard for it. You'd just got everything you wanted."
"I wanted you all to be safe more," says Seri. She casts her eyes down, breaking their gaze.
Captain Ri reaches out, touching her chin gently with the tips of his fingers. She raises her face to look at him, and he kisses her.
It is quite a long kiss. They're still deeply involved in it when Pyo Chi-su says:
"If the woman is staying, can I at least have my room back? She can go in Eun-dong's room, can't she?"
The Captain and Seri pay him no attention. Ju-meok pats Chi-su's arm.
"I don't think you need to worry about that," he says.
Interview #4
Chi-su: "Now the woman is living with us, which is, obviously, weird and embarrassing. I don't know what other vampires would say if they knew."
Ju-meok: "It's not like we ever actually hang out with any other vampires. Anyway, you don't have anything to complain about. You've got your room back and Seri left you the bed. You only had a futon before."
Chi-su: (grudgingly) "It is a nice bed. The mattress is crafted of a magical substance called memory foam. It remembers the shape of your body and greets you each night with the embrace of a lover -- "
Ju-meok: "Seri's made everything better. You hear that?"
Classical music is playing in the background.
Ju-meok: (blissfully) "The Captain only plays Mozart when he's happy."
Eun-dong: "It's Mozart all the time these days. I didn't even know the Captain could smile. And we're even allowed to hunt! We get to drink blood, from living people!"
Ju-meok: "I mean, they're living at the start. They stop being living after the drinking part."
The vampires look both happy and uncomfortable.
Kwang-beom: "I don't know how she reconciled the Captain to that."
Ju-meok: "Seri's pragmatic. She says sharks don't feel bad about living off other fish."
Eun-dong: "We don't do it a lot. But it makes a big difference. I didn't realise how hungry I was all the time before. This documentary probably would never get completed if not for Seri. We would have eaten you halfway through shooting."
Ju-meok: "Having Seri around is definitely a life upgrade. Or an afterlife upgrade. You know what I mean."
Kwang-beom: "She's also negotiating a renewed Vampire-Lycanthrope Agreement that will cover most of the country and deprive her brothers of their allies. It's part of a long-term strategy to regain access to the As-You-Wish Pig."
Ju-meok: "If she gets it back, I'll get to meet Choi Ji-woo!"
Kwang-beom: "And Seri will be one of the most powerful figures in the vampire and werewolf communities in South Korea."
Ju-meok: "Which works, since she's a vampire now too. As well as being a werewolf. The Captain turned her."
Interviewer: "Wait, what? You told us he only turns people who would die otherwise."
Chi-su: (reluctantly) "He made an exception in this case."
Interviewer: "Why?"
The vampires look patient.
Ju-meok: "You've seen Seri. We've told you about her. Wouldn't you want to live with her for all eternity?"
Eun-dong: "She did save your lives."
Interviewer: "You've got a point."
Kwang-beom: "There you go. Any other questions?"