Chapter Text
Se-ri found out at the launch of the Seri's Choice-Samsung smart home partnership. She smiled fixedly through the photographs and delivered her lines with aplomb. She even pretended to have a drink with a couple of journalists after, one of whom looked down her top the entire time. She snubbed him so ferociously that as she turned away she caught sight of the other guy stepping away from him, as though worried the effect of her disdain might be catching.
Then she went to the bathroom and retched for fifteen minutes. She didn't bring anything up. Even for Jeong-hyeok's sake, she hadn't managed to force herself to eat breakfast. Excitement and nausea had killed her appetite stone dead.
She hadn't been eating that well recently; she'd be in trouble if she had to render an account to Jeong-hyeok. Come to think of it, she'd been feeling terrible, in a low-grade way, for a couple of months now. Se-ri had just been too busy to notice it, what with finalising the partnership deal, and launching the new sportswear collection, and the acquisition of that laboratory for the skincare line …
Maybe she'd caught a bug or something, though it was strange it was bothering her for so long. But she couldn't explain it any other way. She'd been keeping regular hours, sleeping well, working out - and two months on, she should have been well over the slump that always hit her after her annual trip to Switzerland.
And then she knew.
The pregnancy tests were almost unneeded. She ordered three different brands online and used each of them in turn, conscientiously, just to be sure. But what they told her, she already knew.
She went to sit on her sofa, huddled in a cashmere throw.
How many times had she sat on her sofa like this, wishing Jeong-hyeok were by her side? For once, Se-ri was relieved he wasn't there. She wanted to think.
This decision would be hers alone. Selfishly, she was glad of that.
This was not anything she had expected. They had been careful. Admittedly she had gone off the pill a couple of years ago, when her skin started acting up. She'd stayed off because her anxiety had improved, and it wasn't like she needed it most of the time anyway. Her life was positively monastic for 50 weeks out of the year. The press had started referring to her, somewhat forgetfully, as the Virgin Queen, speculating that she'd caught religion.
But she and Jeong-hyeok always used protection. They knew, without discussing it, that anything like this was out of the question.
There must have been a split condom or something. Or … OK, there had been a couple of times he fucked her before he got a condom on, but they always disengaged before anything happened.
So maybe they hadn't been quite as safe as they could have been. It hadn't seemed like much of a risk. Se-ri was 42. Even in their wildest forays into the realm of fantasy, their most reckless daydreams of a life they might have together some day, the idea of children no longer featured. Jeong-hyeok had started looking away whenever they encountered kids out and about in Switzerland. She knew it hurt him to see them.
It hadn't bothered Se-ri as much. A small part of her had never seriously believed motherhood was in the cards for her, even before she met Jeong-hyeok. It would have required too much that seemed unlikely – a partner she could trust; the confidence that her business would be safe from threats, familial and otherwise; the ability to believe that she would make a good mother.
Well. That last obstacle was gone. She knew she would be a good mother, with the same serene certainty with which she depended on Jeong-hyeok's love.
As for everything else, that could all be managed.
Of course, the sensible thing to do would be to get rid of what was growing inside her. Se-ri did not hesitate on ethical grounds. It was, as yet, nothing more than a possibility: a clump of cells with the potential to overturn her entire life – and what mattered more, Jeong-hyeok's. If she was going to terminate it, she had better do it now, as soon as possible.
But she wasn't going to. She would do everything she could to keep it alive and safe and well. It was already her child, hers and Jeong-hyeok's. To do anything else was unthinkable.
Jeong-hyeok wouldn't suffer the consequences, Se-ri promised herself. She would take on all of the burden. It would not be easy, but that only meant it was like everything worth having – worth fighting for.
It was getting late. All she'd had to eat that day were some noodles at lunch; the idea of eating anything else had been intolerable. It seemed the baby was as picky as Se-ri was.
Se-ri picked up her phone and sent a text message. Then she found the second number in her list of speed dial contacts.
"Mr Hong? I hope I didn't interrupt you," she said. "Can you talk? Great. You remember that time we hired that personal chef? Can you arrange for something like that again? Three meals a day, to be delivered to wherever I am. No, not the same person. I told you, he used too much cream. I don't want a Western chef this time anyway. Someone who can do normal homecooked meals, like your grandmother would make. Yes, I mean Korean food. But nothing too spicy and no kimchi. You know my tastes, Mr. Hong; I'll leave it to you. What meetings do I have tomorrow?"
Mr Hong reeled them off.
"Clear everything except the two o'clock with Kim & Partners about the factory dispute," said Se-ri. "Tell Mr Kim he doesn't need to come to the office. I'll be working from home, so we'll speak over video call."
She paused, considering. Her mother had replied to her text, saying she was free the next day, in the evening – maybe they could have dinner together?
So her mother would not find out till then. But there was much to be thought of and planned for. Se-ri wanted to get started as soon as possible, and absolute reliance could be placed on Mr Hong. He would not break any confidence.
"You and I should have a meeting tomorrow," she said. "Would eight am work? Yes, just you. I'll come into the office for it. Good. Sorry for troubling you, Mr Hong. Enjoy the rest of your evening."
"Is everything all right?" Mr Hong ventured.
"Oh, everything's fine," said Se-ri. "More than fine. Don't worry. We'll speak tomorrow."
She rang off. She'd meant it about Mr Hong's evening, but she knew he wouldn't wait till morning to start acting on her directions. By the next day she'd have a selection of personal chefs to choose from, ready to start as soon as she wanted.
Tonight, she thought she'd order fried chicken. The mere idea didn't make her want to throw up, which was promising, and it would help her feel closer to Jeong-hyeok and everything associated with him.
Looking up, Se-ri saw her face reflected in the glass of the window. She looked like she'd just been told that annual profits had quadrupled in the past year. Or that reunification was happening tomorrow, with all restrictions on intercourse between the two Koreas lifted.
"You shouldn't look so happy, Yoon Se-ri," she scolded that face. "This is a big deal. You are in serious trouble."
Unabashed, the face continued to express idiotic joy. It was not to be reasoned out of the belief that it had been given a gift, unlooked for.
"This is fate," the face said back to her.
Se-ri rolled her eyes at herself and got off the sofa.
She'd get cheese balls as well. Even if they made her puke, it'd be worth it.
Mr Hong seemed nervous when he entered Se-ri's office the next day, but so was Se-ri.
Just a little nervous. Exhilaration bore her up.
This isn't certain yet, she reminded herself. The end of the first trimester was a month off and she'd looked up all the statistics about how common miscarriages were, especially among women her age.
But:
This is fate, said the voice inside her. The voice of the spring of joy that had bubbled up last night, that lived in her now, in defiance of all reason and common sense.
The conviction that all would go as she desired was illogical, of course. But Se-ri had so often benefited from the workings of an absurdly benevolent fate. It made as much sense to trust in fate now as it had when she'd travelled to Switzerland year on year, hoping somehow to bump into Jeong-hyeok; when she'd thrown herself off a cliff and eventually landed at his feet.
"Mr Hong," she said, with a smile. "I wanted you to be the first to know. I'm pleased to tell you that I am expecting a child. I estimate that I am nine weeks along, but I have a medical appointment shortly so we should have confirmation soon enough."
Mr Hong's face froze. It was a familiar expression. When had Se-ri last seen it? Of course, when he'd had to tell her that her clandestine relationship with Shin Yeong-woong had been leaked in a series of spectacularly unflattering photographs.
Poor Mr Hong. Se-ri had been so good the past few years; he must have been starting to think he was safe from scandals.
"I've been feeling for some time that I am ready to start a new stage of my life," said Se-ri. "So I investigated the options and I was fortunate that the IUI procedure was successful." She crossed her arms, assuming a contemplative expression. "Of course I recognise this will come as a surprise to many people. They may fear it will mean a period of upheaval for the business. However, you know I view every challenge as an opportunity for improvement. I believe Seri's Choice will come out of this even stronger than before."
She uncrossed her arms and put her hands on the desk. "How was that?"
Mr Hong took a moment to return from whatever uncanny universe the revelation had transported him to.
"It's, uh, it's a good start," he said. He patted his jacket vaguely, still looking shellshocked. "Sorry, I should have taken a note."
"I've got a draft I can share with you," said Se-ri. "Obviously we will not be providing details of the fertility clinic or the sperm donor. You may trust that the legalities have been handled appropriately. By law, I will be the only parent. And it goes without saying, Mr Hong, that until go-live of the official announcement, this is strictly confidential. This news is not to go beyond these four walls till then, not even to others within the company."
This offended Mr Hong enough that he began to come back to life.
"You don't need to tell me that, Ms Yoon," he said, injured. "But … "
"Yes?"
"Should I prepare a press release in English?" he said.
Se-ri blinked. "Do you think there will be international interest?" Seri's Choice had stores abroad, of course, but Se-ri herself could only be considered a celebrity in South Korea. As her experience north of the 38th parallel had proved, she enjoyed perfect anonymity everywhere else.
"Well, your holidays in Switzerland," said Mr Hong. "I assume that was when you … If the fath – if the donor is a foreigner, that may draw attention overseas."
"Oh," said Se-ri. She hadn't actually thought of claiming the fertility clinic was in Switzerland, but that would make sense. She reminded herself to give Mr Hong a raise. "I don't know much about the donor myself – the clinic was careful to withhold identifying details. But from what I know, he's nobody who would cause that kind of interest."
"Ah," said Mr Hong, nodding. He'd produced a pen and a small notebook, in which he made a note. "Good."
"We will need to hire cover," said Se-ri. "I am planning to be out of the office for three months from the birth. Of course, I place the utmost confidence in you and the Board, but I'm aware your capacity is already stretched. But we can discuss all of that in due course."
Se-ri leaned forward. "I was thinking, it's a good time to refresh our maternity wear. It hasn't received enough attention and it's starting to look a little tired. We'll need to move quickly if we're to launch a new collection in time for me to wear it. It's a golden marketing opportunity, we shouldn't waste it."
"Of course," said Mr Hong, scribbling.
"And you know I've been wanting to overhaul our HR policies for a while," said Se-ri. "Don't you think we should improve our parental leave offering? We should at least be providing full pay for the whole period of statutory leave. And I think it would be innovative to extend paternity leave beyond the legal minimum. If we play it right, we should get some good international coverage for that."
"Yes," said Mr Hong, but he had stopped writing. He was giving her a funny look.
"What?" Se-ri touched her hair, but that seemed fine. Was she wearing her top inside out or something?
"Congratulations, Ms Yoon," said Mr Hong. "I'm sorry, I was so surprised I forgot to say it. But I am very happy for you."
His sincerity could not be doubted. Se-ri looked down. Her vision was suddenly unaccountably blurry.
"Thank you," she said.
The conversation with her mother was less easy to prepare for. Han Jeong-yeon was the only person in South Korea who knew about Se-ri's house in Switzerland – the only person in the world who knew Jeong-hyeok shared it with her.
With her, there would be no breezy tale of a successful entrepreneur who had decided she wanted a family life, after all, and was willing to do the unconventional to get it. Se-ri's mother would know the truth; she would see the situation for what it was.
And so she did. When Se-ri told her, her mother sat for a moment in a shock so complete that her hand was stilled in the action of bringing her chopsticks to her mouth.
She put them down, with the elegance Se-ri had always intensely admired. Se-ri was beautiful and knew it, but she would never have a tenth of her mother's grace.
"What are you going to do?" said her mother.
"I want to keep it," said Se-ri.
Her mother hesitated. "It is … ?"
"Ri Jeong-hyeok's child," said Se-ri. "Yes."
"And he doesn't know."
"No," said Se-ri. "I've only just found out." There was occasional contact with Jeong-hyeok outside of their precious two weeks in Switzerland – a surprise postcard from Shanghai, an email from Vienna. He always sent her a message when he could. But she had no fixed contact details for him; it was safer that way. "I have no way of telling him, until … "
"Next year," said Se-ri's mother. "I see."
"I am going to say I arranged to get pregnant using donor sperm," said Se-ri. "That's what I would like to tell the family."
She had been worried about this bit, but her mother only nodded.
"I think that's best," she said. She paused. "You know your father will be very angry."
Se-ri smiled, though she could feel it was a little crooked. There was a part of her that would never stop craving her father's approval. That lost little girl on the beach …
But her mother had come back, in the end. Se-ri didn't need anyone else, not really. She was no longer a little girl, and she had resources her father did not suspect. No one in the world guessed the full extent of what Se-ri was capable of – except, maybe, Ri Jeong-hyeok.
And he, who believed in her more than anyone, would have told her to reach out. To refuse to do it alone.
"It can't be helped," said Se-ri. "I'll handle it. But you, Mom … " It was hard to say it, even now. "Do you mind?"
"Mind?" said her mother. "Do I mind?" It was only then that Se-ri saw her eyes were full of tears.
She'd been avoiding looking at her mother. Perhaps she'd been more scared than she'd been willing to admit to herself.
Her mother took Se-ri's hands in her own.
"My girl," she said, "my girl. If the child is to you what you are to me, they will make up for everything."
If only there were some means of letting Jeong-hyeok know.
In a way, that he didn't know and she couldn't tell him was convenient. If he'd wanted Se-ri to get rid of the baby – and she could see that would be reasonable, given everything at stake – it would have made things even harder.
As matters stood, Se-ri would have it all her own way. Of course, it meant she had to face the challenges alone. But she was used to that.
Nevertheless, if there had been any way she could inform him, she would have done, without delay. In a just world, Jeong-hyeok would be fully involved in the decision. His would be the most important voice in the strategy meetings she was now holding weekly with Mr Hong and her mother.
But Se-ri did not live in a just world and the only routes by which she might convey the intelligence to Jeong-hyeok were indirect. She could feed the press information in the hope it would somehow trickle back to him. But this was far from ideal. What she needed to present to the world was so different from what she longed to tell Jeong-hyeok, preferably in a private room while he was sitting down.
Besides, it was necessary to strike a balance. She wanted Jeong-hyeok to know, but she also wanted share prices to remain stable. She would not need to stoke media interest in her pregnancy - there would be plenty of that as it was, and it was crucial that she was seen as being as committed and in control of the business as ever. Her mysterious disappearance some years ago had not yet been forgotten, and she meant that Seri's Choice should not suffer from this development.
Their communications strategy steered away from puff pieces about her pregnancy, therefore. But she insisted on one profile with Vogue China, reasoning that that was a magazine that might well make its way into North Korea. Whether Jeong-hyeok was likely to pick it up was a separate question, but despite her role as a patron of the arts, Se-ri could not really see a plausible way of getting the news into Neue Musikzeitung.
The Vogue interview focused mostly on fashion and business, in line with the core messaging she'd agreed with Mr Hong. But Se-ri also discussed her decision to become a single mother in some detail.
"I wanted to do it alone," she told the interviewer. "Seri's Choice is all about defying expectations and doing what's right for you. I know I'm privileged to be able to go ahead with this. My family is supportive, even though others may not understand. I think society needs to recognise the power of women and that we can be more than one thing."
The resulting feature included that quote, along with her answer to the inevitable question about her love life: "All I will say is, I feel completely satisfied on that front."
It was not a complete success. For the cover, Vogue went for a shot in which Se-ri looked meltingly tender, a protective hand curled around her belly – the ideal image of an expecting mother, when Se-ri had given a hard pitch of herself as a corporate warrior queen.
But, said Mr Hong, if it inspired the public's sympathy, that was all to the good – there was a risk in coming off as too hard-nosed as a woman. And Jeong-hyeok would love the picture, Se-ri's mother said in private.
"If he ever sees it," said Se-ri, and sighed.