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Dan’s first kiss isn’t that great.
He’s only eleven and really doesn’t have any clue about how to kiss. It sounds a little strange, if Dan is honest with himself. But he figures that it’s something you have to try before you like it.
He’s playing spin-the-bottle at a friend’s house and suddenly it lands on him and Dan’s brain short circuits. All he can think is oh shit and what am I supposed to do?
Alexa is really pretty and Dan has never seen her face this close before.
“Um,” she says, laughing a little.
“I don’t,” he tries.
“Me either,” Alexa admits. They look at each other for a minute and suddenly they’re both giggling, leaning into each other. Dan feels slightly better that he isn’t the only one who feels nervous.
Alexa sits back, glancing at his face. She nods to herself and then reaches up, cupping Dan’s shoulders as she leans in. Her eyes close when she nears his face and one of Dan’s hands clamps reflexively against her neck, the other pressing against Alexa’s cheek.
Their lips touch gently and okay, that’s nice. It doesn’t really feel like anything, just a sensation. Dan’s friends and parents made it out to be something more. Maybe he’s just not doing it right.
The niceness of the kiss lasts for about .2 seconds until suddenly there’s tongue involved and they’re basically licking each other and yeah, okay, this needs to stop.
Alexa is already apologizing when she leans back but Dan brushes it off with a quick, “No, that was nice!”
They hug. Dan waits until her back is turned and then swipes an arm across his mouth, wiping away the saliva.
The first time they Skyped, Dan couldn’t stop smiling.
It’s stupid, but he was just so happy to really be talking to Phil. Texting had been great, more than Dan ever thought he’d get. (As they talked, Dan’s mind kept flashing back over the last number of months, all the times his phone would beep with a notification about AmazingPhil’s new video and he’d scramble over to the computer. Sometimes he even got first comment.) But texting didn’t compare to actual listening to Phil talk and seeing his face, albeit in shitty webcam quality.
Somehow they’d drifted onto talking about Sonic and Dan was trying his best to follow along, but he was a little preoccupied watching Phil gesture enthusiastically as he told Dan that “the only reason that Sonic can’t swim is because Sega somehow believed the hedgehogs couldn’t swim…can you believe that?”
“No,” Dan said, and then he was grinning again.
But it was kind of okay, because Phil was grinning too.
When they return home from the Big Hero 6 premiere, Dan is buzzing from a combination of exhilaration from seeing himself on the big screen and the drinks they’d had with friends after the film. Phil is too, if the way that his fingers are quivering against Dan’s arm means anything.
They climb the stairs sluggishly (not even seeing themselves in a movie is enough to make Dan climb these stairs faster than a trudge) and the moment the front door is behind them, Dan lets out a sigh.
“Fucking stairs,” he grumbles, running a hand through his hair. His mouth feels dry from the exertion, so he swipes his tongue across his lips and swallows before beginning to tug off his jacket. “It was freezing outside and now –”
After a moment of struggle, the coat comes off. Dan flings it at the couch, telling himself that he’ll pick it up later. (They both know that’s a lie.)
“Hey,” Dan calls over his shoulder as he heads toward the kitchen, “you feel like watching something?”
“Yeah, alright.” Phil’s voice sounds a bit hoarse. Dan turns to investigate and bam, Phil is right there, somehow having managed to work himself right into Dan’s personal space.
“Hey there,” Dan says, swallowing again as Phil reaches out, running his fingertips down Dan’s arms and linking their fingers.
“We’re in a movie,” Phil responds in disbelief, eyes flicking between Dan’s eyes.
He leans forward, pressing their mouths together. Dan releases one of Phil’s hands and reaches up, hand finding its way automatically to Phil’s hair. They kiss, tiny, soft little kisses, and suddenly it hits Dan that –
“Oh my god, we’re in a movie.”
Suddenly, they’re both grinning like fools, foreheads pressed together. They stay that way for a moment before Phil leans forward, capturing Dan’s lips again. One kiss, and Dan pulls away with a grimace.
“What’s wrong?” Phil frowns, squeezing Dan’s hand.
“Dude,” Dan complains, “your breath tastes like ass.”
“You think yours is any better?” Phil retorts.
Dan smacks Phil across the shoulder, making Phil giggle, tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. Rolling his eyes, Dan grabs Phil’s wrist and begins to drag him down the hall. “Teeth, c’mon.”
As they brush their teeth, Phil knocks his hip against Dan’s, nearly making Dan spill toothpaste all over the counter.
“What the fuck?” Dan sputters.
Phil only smirks at him. He hovers for a minute, eyes dark and intent on Dan’s face, before disappearing into the hallway outside his bedroom.
Dan turns, glancing at the mirror. He thinks about the look Phil just shot him and studies his own eyes, waiting for something to happen. Whatever he’s waiting for, it doesn’t happen. Whatever.
He rinses off his toothbrush and places it back in its holder.
The moment he enters the hall, Phil is on him. Dan stumbles back, back hitting the bathroom door, and sucks in a breath as their mouths meet again. Phil’s hands tug, impatient, at the hem of Dan’s shirt and Dan breaks away to laugh.
“Jesus Christ, Phil.”
“Get it off,” is Phil’s only response.
Dan obliges. One of Phil’s hand trails down Dan’s stomach and Dan shivers. “Come on,” he whines, hips bucking up despite himself as Phil latches onto the juncture of Dan’s neck. “I really don’t want to do this in the hallway.”
“Sorry,” Phil murmurs against Dan’s skin, pressing a kiss there. “I just – can’t get enough of you.”
Dan breaks out in a fit of laughter, both because he can’t believe that Phil actually said that and because he’s not sure exactly what Phil meant.
“Are you serious right now?” he sputters, trying to catch his breath.
Phil leans back and now he’s pouting. “It was endearing.”
“Right. Okay, Phil.”
Phil kisses him, effectively shutting Dan up.
Dan likes kissing Phil. He likes how Phil always has one hand either curled against Dan’s cheek or in his hair. He likes how Phil makes little noises while they kiss, like Phil can’t believe that this is actually happening, even years after it first started (2009, young, nervous, hands fumbling). He likes how Phil kisses Dan as if it’s the best thing he’s ever felt.
For Dan, it still just feels like two mouths pressing together. And wet. Dan’s still not entirely decided if he likes having Phil’s tongue in his mouth. He likes kissing Phil, though, being close to him.
Somehow, they actually get to Phil’s bed. Dan isn’t sure how, with how many times they stop to kiss. But, they do. Phil doesn’t quite rip Dan’s clothes off – they aren’t that dramatic – but he does manage Dan’s belt fairly quickly.
“I’m basically naked and you’re still entirely dressed,” Dan complains as he lifts his hips, helping Phil yank his skinny jeans and pants off. He wants to feel Phil’s skin against his own. He wants Phil closer. He wants.
Phil rolls his eyes. “Sorry for wanting to get you out of yours.”
“You should be,” Dan says, and grabs at Phil’s blue button up.
Phil sits up and, with some difficulty, strips off his shirt. It takes a minute of frantic wiggling before he’s able to get out of his jeans. Dan buries his face in one of the pillows on Phil’s bed, snickering.
Phil’s jeans land somewhere on the floor and he turns to look at Dan, currently naked and splayed out against the covers. Something flickers in Phil’s eyes and that look is back again.
“You’re gorgeous,” Phil breathes, climbing over Dan and kissing him.
“About time you acknowledged my good looks,” Dan replies, smirking against Phil’s mouth. He’s still focused on Phil’s eyes, the way that Phil is looking at him as though all he needs to get good and ready is Dan. Phil wears the same look every time they make love, but for some reason, it’s really standing out tonight.
Something reverbs in Dan’s chest, hollow. He takes a deep breath and grasps out with a hand, latching onto the soft skin of Phil’s waist.
“You okay?” Phil asks, nuzzling Dan’s cheek.
Dan blinks, pushing the thoughts away. I don’t look at you in the same way as you look at me, and I’m not sure why probably isn’t the best thing to say right now.
Instead, he wraps a leg around Phil’s thigh and tugs him closer, sighing in satisfaction.
“If dying of old age waiting for you to make a move is okay, then yes,” Dan teases.
Phil’s eyes narrow and he stares contemplatively at Dan. “Let’s see what we can do about that,” he responds at last.
With that, Phil slides down between Dan’s legs.
“Fuck,” Dan breathes as Phil begins leaving a trail of kisses down his stomach toward his cock, which twitches with interest. “Fuck, Phil.”
“That’s kind of the idea,” Phil retorts, kissing the skin below Dan’s belly button. His fingers creep up Dan’s left leg, teasing his thigh with feather-light touches.
Dan’s stomach tightens with anticipation. “Oh, fuck you.”
“You can do that later.”
“I hate you so much.”
Phil’s only response is to take the tip of Dan in his mouth and suck, hard. Dan arches up off the bed, hips jerking. Phil presses an arm against them, forcing Dan back down. Instead of taking Dan back in his mouth, however, Phil's lips dance off to toward Dan's hipbone. His fingers continue to rub lightly against Dan's thigh, creeping inward until they're frustratingly close to where Dan needs them to be.
"Quit teasing," Dan grunts.
Phil laughs, low and rough. His lips skate across Dan's skin, tongue darting out against the base of Dan's cock.
Sparks are already dancing up and down Dan’s spine, the heat curling in the pit of his stomach teetering on the edge of too much. Dan whips his head to the side and one of his hands climbs up Phil’s neck before tangling in his friend’s hair.
"Phil," he growls, pressing suggestively on Phil's head.
Phil glances up, pupils blown wide, and gives Dan a considering look. Then, without preamble, his mouth seals back around Dan's cock. Phil hollows his cheeks and Dan curses, pulling hard on the hair in his grasp.
Phil makes a discontent sound.
“Sorry,” Dan pants, loosening his hold on Phil’s hair.
Phil releases Dan’s cock, making Dan groan in frustration.
“It’s okay,” he answers, sounding a bit wrecked. “Just –”
“I’ll be gentle,” Dan says quickly. “I promise. Just, don’t – don’t–”
Phil takes the hint, mouth sliding back down around Dan. He circles his tongue around the tip of Dan’s cock once, twice, and Dan punches out a breath that sounds more like a sob as he comes.
“God, you’re beautiful,” Dan hears as he slowly begins to come down.
“It's been awhile,” Phil murmurs sleepily, curling around Dan.
Dan blinks in the darkness, staring at the light seeping in from underneath the blinds in Phil’s room. Usually Dan’s sleepy after they have sex, but not tonight. He wraps his fingers more securely around Phil’s. “Hmm?”
“No, it’s –” Phil yawns. “We’ve been busy, I know.”
“Oh.” That last time. “I think it was – wait.” The last time that Dan can remember was when they opened the gaming channel. But that was – “Phil, that was months ago.”
“Yeah,” Phil breathes against the back of Dan’s neck, making Dan shiver. Phil kisses his neck in apology. “I ‘member. ”
They’d finished filming the Donkey Kong video, were planning on uploading it the next day. Phil had pressed himself against Dan, kissing him into the sofa. They didn’t make it to a bed that time. Dan remembers holding Phil’s hand.
Dan hadn’t realized it had been that long. How could he not have? Sure, they’d been stressed out, what with the new channel, the movie, everything, but.
“I’m sorry,” he says, finally.
There’s a long pause in which Dan thinks that Phil must’ve fallen asleep, when Phil answers, so quietly that Dan can barely hear him, “Why?”
Dan means to answer. He just…doesn’t.
(It's the little things. It's being fifteen and, when he thinks of being intimate with someone, holding hands and sharing a morning cup of coffee comes to mind. It's laying in bed at eighteen, hand wrapped tight around himself, fantasizing about being fucked by a nameless, faceless person instead of someone specific. It's being twenty-one and not picking up the little hints that Phil is dropping until Phil is clambering onto Dan's lap and pressing kisses against the edge of his jaw. It's not noticing that him and Phil haven't slept together in months.)
His first visit, they filmed a silly video (something Dan never could’ve imagined would become so popular in the future) and at the end of it, Phil tackled him. They ended up on the floor, Dan on his side and Phil curled up and over Dan’s hip, grinning down at him.
He’s actually touching me, Dan thought. He gazed, wide-eyed, up at Phil.
After an uncomfortable silence, Phil’s brow furrowed. “Sorry, is this making you uncomfortable? I just got a bit excited.” He went to move off of Dan and, without thinking, Dan reached out and grabbed Phil’s wrist.
“No,” Dan said quickly. He swallowed. “I just – surprised, that’s all.”
“Oh.” The tension faded from Phil’s face and he smiled again.
Dan had no idea what he was doing. Dan really had no idea what he was doing, but apparently Phil was okay with being pulled forward because he allowed Dan to drag him a bit until their faces were much closer together and most of Phil’s weight was focused on Dan’s hip.
Ignoring the fact that his hip was starting to throb, Dan looped an arm around Phil’s neck and tugged again until Phil got the picture.
“Is this okay?” Phil asked, glancing down at Dan’s lips.
Two thoughts raced through Dan's head. First: he actually wants to kiss me? Second: wondering what Phil's lips would feel like pressed against his own. Then, Dan realized that he just wanted Phil as close to him as possible. Tilting his chin up, Dan strained toward his friend. “Phil-”
“Yeah, okay.” Phil’s eyes met his, blue, dark and lovely.
Leaning down, Phil kissed him gently.
It wasn’t all that different from kissing girls, Dan mused as their lips met once, then again, then again. He could smell Phil’s conditioner (something fruity), the lemony scent of his laundry detergent. Dan liked having Phil so close to him. He liked kissing him too, although it was as unremarkable as it had been with previous girlfriends. Dan’s heart sank at the thought. Part of him had been hoping (even though he’d never really encouraged the thought that Phil could be interested in him) that this would feel different, that there would be something more.
It still just felt weird.
But the closeness, that was good. Dan twisted a little, trying to angle his hip away so that it wouldn’t be bearing the brunt of Phil’s weight. In response, Phil swung a leg over until he was essentially straddling Dan, balancing his weight on his hands and knees. Now Phil was too far away, though. Dan wanted him nearer.
Reaching up and wrapping an arm around Phil’s waist, Dan pulled until Phil pressed their chests together, resting a little more of his weight back onto Dan. Dan sighed in contentment, running his free hand through Phil’s hair and nudging their noses together. Without warning, a smile broke out across his face.
“What?” Phil asked, but he was smiling too.
“Nothing,” Dan murmured, running his fingers up and down Phil’s back. “I’m just happy.”
“Yeah?” Phil’s eyes crinkled as his smile widened.
Dan nodded, pressing his nose to Phil’s cheek.
“Me too,” said Phil, kissing him again.
Dan spends the next few days alternating between searching the internet for answers and studying his and Phil’s relationship to figure out what the fuck is going on.
Google is useless. Turns out, typing in “I don’t look at someone the same way they look at me” leads to results about “what do we really look like?” and a conversation about spoon theory.
Observing his relationship with Phil isn’t working out so well, either, mainly because Phil is starting to get weirded out. Phil is pretty knowledgeable about Dan’s moods at this point and he knows when to leave well enough alone, but it has been four days and Dan still hasn’t snapped out of this funk.
"Alright, what's going on?" Phil asks in the middle of one of their Mario Kart sessions. It's not unwarranted. Phil has won five out of six times which, Phil isn't a terrible Mario Kart player, per say. He just finds it particularly fascinating to plunge off the edges of every course, is all.
Dan runs a hand over his eyes, mouth.
"I've just been stressing out over the new video on our gaming channel," he begins. "Editing's been a bitch, and -"
He stops. Phil's eyes have narrowed in that I'm pretty sure you're bullshitting me and I'm going to get it out of you eventually though I'd prefer if you would just tell me way and suddenly, it's just not worth it to lie. This is Phil, for fuck's sake. The same Phil that sat through all of Dan's existential crises and didn't scoff at Dan when he decided to drop out of University.
"Okay." Dan's shoulders slump. He sighs, trying to figure out how to word what he wants to say. "Fuck, this is going to sound ridiculous."
Phil doesn't say anything, reminding Dan again just how lucky he is to have a person that knows him so well. All Phil does is pause the game and place his control down on the couch.
"Last week, after the Big Hero 6 premiere, you decided to get all horny-"
"Hey!" Phil interrupts, shoving lightly at Dan.
Dan smirks at him. Phil glares back for a moment, but within seconds he's given up and is laughing. A small part of Dan, the stupid part of him that's worried that if he tells Phil everything then Phil will just leave, appreciates the light moment.
"You said something when we were," Dan continues after Phil's laughter has died down. He waves a hand vaguely. "You mentioned how you couldn't get enough of me, and I - what did you mean?"
Phil's forehead crinkles as he digests Dan's words. "That's not where I thought this conversation was heading," Phil admits, eyes not focused on Dan. He's thinking back.
"I mean," Phil begins after a minute of silence. His cheeks flush. "You know that I find you attractive."
Dan nods. He's woken up plenty of times over the years to Phil pressing kisses against his jaw, hands roaming along Dan's waist and hips, to know this.
"It's like, sometimes just looking at you is enough to make me want to, well, be with you."
"So just looking at my body is enough to make you want to fuck me?" Dan clarifies. That's simple enough. His self-esteem isn't low enough that he can't recognize his own attractiveness.
Phil opens his mouth but doesn't speak. He shakes his head a little.
"It's more than that," Phil adds finally. "It's not just your body. It's you. It's how you act, how you look at me, how-"
"How I look at you?"
And now Dan is confused again, because he's pretty sure that he hasn't been looking at Phil in that way. Not in the way Phil did last week in the bathroom, eyes dark and inviting. He's tried, because whenever Phil does it, Dan feels wanted. Even if he's not necessarily in the mood for sexual things, even if he doesn't have the need to be close to Phil in that way, it's always nice to feel like someone wants you. Dan wants the same thing for Phil.
"Yeah, like you want me," Phil says, and shit.
Shit. Motherfucking shit. Dan squeezes his eyes shut just for a second and then opens them, blinking. He stares at the carpet, cycling back through every single memory of that night and the nights before it. There has to be at least one time where he looked at Phil and that was enough.
"Dan?" Phil reaches out and touches Dan's shoulder.
"I do want you," Dan says, peeking up at Phil. Phil looks worried. "Just...look, okay, I don't know. It's probably nothing, but I'm kind of getting the feeling that I don't see you in the same way you see me, sexually?"
"You're not sexually attracted to me?" Phil asks, hand dropping back to his lap. He doesn't look hurt yet, just confused (which is good because Dan wouldn't be able to take Phil being hurt, not when he doesn't know how to fix this). "I thought you said you were bi."
"That's what I thought, but it's like - okay, do you remember the first time we kissed?" Dan asks.
Phil nods, smiling a bit at the memory. "You practically tugged me onto your lap," he murmurs, sneaking a devious look at Dan.
"I did not," Dan sputters. "That's besides the point." He scoots a bit on the couch, turning until he's facing Phil with his legs crossed. "Why did you kiss me?"
He gives Phil a moment to ponder that one. Dan can't remember what he had for cereal last week (except that Phil probably stole it), let alone something five years ago, so it's probably a little unfair to ask Phil to remember this.
Then again, it is them. It's how they started.
"You were so close," Phil says at last. His eyes are distant again, remembering. "I could smell you and feel you under me and I just - I couldn't stop myself. I wanted you. I'd been wanting you."
Dan's heart flutters at that last part. He tries (and fails) not to smile.
Blinking, Phil focuses on Dan. "Why did you kiss me?"
"I wanted to kiss you," Dan says truthfully. "And I wanted to be close to you. It didn't matter how."
Phil digests that. "So, the first time we slept together...?"
(A few weeks after their first kiss, Dan came out the shower and changed into one of Phil's shirts when he couldn't find a clean one of his own - or, okay, maybe he just wanted to wear something of Phil's. Half an hour later, when Phil came back from running errands, all it took was one look at Dan curled into the couch wearing Phil's clothes. The shirt got stuck on the way up, clinging to Dan's head, and they ended up laughing against each others' mouths.)
"I wanted you. I still want you," Dan responds. "It was just always about being close to you, not necessarily your body."
Dan loves Phil's body. He loves Phil's dark hair and his cheekbones. He loves Phil's slim thighs and the little flab at his waist. Dan loves burrowing into Phil's chest and tucking his face against Phil's neck. And he wants Phil a lot, wants to hold his hand and kiss his cheek, cling until there's no space between them. There's just none of the heat that was present in Phil's eyes when he slunk down between Dan's legs last week, or any time before that.
"Is it just me?" Phil asks, glancing down and away. "What about your ex?"
If it had been an option, Dan would have stayed in bed with his girlfriend all day, just cuddling. He'd liked the feeling of her breasts pushing against his chest as they made love, loved her slim waist and the way she grinned against Dan's shoulder when he murmured "I'm close." But.
"It's not just you," Dan says, swallowing. His mouth feels dry all of a sudden.
They both sit in silence and suddenly, Dan really, really wants to be playing Mario Kart. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore because it has just gotten much bigger than he was initially anticipating, and he doesn't want to confuse Phil more than he already has.
"So, what does this mean?" Phil asks, adjusting his glasses and running a hand through his dark hair, messing it up.
Dan glances at the screen. He's just barely in first, with Bowser right behind. Phil's back in fifth place after getting knocked off by a green shell.
"I don't know," he says honestly.
Dan glances down next to him on the bed, smiling slightly. Phil’s mouth hangs open, his face loose in sleep. It’s already closing in on noon, but Dan doesn’t blame Phil for wanting the rest; they were up late last night.
After their conversation in the gaming room, it took almost twenty minutes of various persuasive techniques before Phil agreed to sleep in the same bed with Dan.
("Look, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, okay? You just told me that you didn't know what this meant."
"You're shitting me, right Phil?"
"Do I look like I'm shitting you?"
"Okay, first of all, that sounded wrong on so many levels. And two, I'd tell you to fuck off if you were making me uncomfortable. You're fine.")
Reaching out, Dan runs a finger gently down Phil’s back and watches Phil twitch in his sleep, making a quiet noise and snuggling further into the pillow beneath his head.
After their conversation last night, Dan figures that he owes it to Phil to make another attempt at figuring this out.
Obviously Phil isn't a douche-canoe. If Dan were to come out and say "look, I don't want to have sex anymore because reasons" then it's not like Phil would throw a fit. He'd accept it, because Phil is actually a decent human being.
But here's the thing: Dan actually likes having sex with Phil. He likes the closeness, he likes Phil, and he likes making Phil feel good. Not to mention the part where sex actually feels pretty damn good. Sure, there are some days where he doesn't particularly want to have sex. During those days, the thought of Phil's skin on his own produces more revulsion than anything. But for the most part, Dan is cool with it.
It's just the actual attraction part he's missing.
This time, Dan searches for I don't experience sexual attraction.
Google claims that there are 551,000 results (in 0.31 seconds). Dan doesn’t know quite where to start. He doesn’t even know if he wants to start.
He ends up clicking on the first link, a website called AVEN. A website called asexuality.org pops up and he’s greeted by a purple banner that says “an asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction” (1).
Oh shit.
Dan stares at the definition, feeling a little bit like someone has reached in and scooped out his insides.
Beside him, Phil begins to stir. He grumbles something under his breath and turns, mashing his face against the pillow.
Wait, is this -
Dan scrolls down a bit on the page, reading through the first paragraph of information. At the bottom of the paragraph, it says click here to learn more about asexuality. So he does.
Five minutes later, he's shaking Phil awake.
“Go away,” Phil groans, twisting under the covers until his back is to Dan.
“C’mon, you lazy lump,” Dan says, prodding Phil’s side. “This is important."
Phil groans again, louder this time. He peeks up at Dan through a curtain of black hair. “Nothing is important at - what time is it?"
Dan glances at the time on his Macbook. "12:05."
"Crap," Phil mumbles into his pillow, curling into Dan's side as he stretches. His toes brush Dan's calf, making Dan jump. "What did you want me to look at?"
Dan hesitates. "Have you ever heard of asexuality?"
"No," Phil says. He braces himself on his elbows and crawls up until he's able to slump against Dan's shoulder, reaching out with a hand for his glasses on the nightstand. "Is this about yesterday?"
"Yeah," answers Dan, scrolling further down the page. Before now, Dan would've considered himself pretty well informed on sexualities, considering how long it took him to arrive at the label "bi". But this...this sounds like plant reproduction. In fact, Dan is ninety percent sure that he's heard people on the tube talking about it in the context of asexual reproduction.
“Apparently asexuality is when you don't experience sexual attraction," he tells Phil once the latter has had the chance to retrieve his glasses. Now able to see, Phil leans over Dan's shoulder to peer at the website.
"Is it focused on lack of attraction to a specific gender?" Phil asks, ruffling his hair and managing to make it even more endearingly messy.
"No." Dan points to the first line on the page. "It sounds like it's just in general."
"Well," Phil begins, still reading through what Dan has already, "that would explain why you didn't experience attraction to any of your exes, right?"
"Yeah." Dan rests his head on Phil's. He still feels a little numb, but the blankness is quickly being overtaken by questions: Well, how does anyone know if they've never experienced sexual attraction? How do anyone even know what sexual attraction feels like? Maybe it is a hormone problem and he's thinking about latching onto the word "asexual" because it's easier. Maybe -
"I can feel you thinking," Phil remarks, sliding one hand out from beneath his blanket fortress and running his fingers along Dan's thigh. "Is it possible that you might be this?"
"What, asexual?" Dan feels himself laugh, but it's not quite there. "I didn't even know this was a thing until now. How long has this been a thing anyway?" He finds his way to the About page on AVEN. 2001. Asexuality has only been a thing for fourteen years.
"It doesn't even look legitimate," he responds. Phil is still leaning on his shoulder, but Dan can feel him getting restless.
"Well, I mean, would it even exist if there weren't enough people feeling the same way you do?" Phil wonders, turning so that he can press a kiss to Dan's shoulder. With that, Phil slides out from underneath the covers, wincing as his bare toes meet cold air. "I'm going to get coffee. Want anything?"
"Coffee sounds good," Dan says, attention still focused on the screen in front of him.
In his peripheral vision, Dan sees Phil give him a backward glance before heading out of their bedroom.
With Phil gone, Dan returns to browsing.
Dan has always been simultaneously proud and horrified of his ability to browse for indeterminate periods of time.
This is a little different than his six hour Wikipedia spirals, however.
There are approximately eighteen tabs with different resources about asexuality open on his Macbook and Dan hasn't even fallen into Tumblr yet. Each website that Dan has visited says about the same thing: asexuals don't experience sexual attraction (although there are groups of asexuals called gray-aces and demisexuals that may experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances) and asexuality does not equate to celibacy, although there may be asexuals who choose to be celibate. Neither does asexuality constitute romantic attraction, which is something totally different.
If Dan were to label himself (which he's still not keen on doing), then he'd be considered a biromantic asexual, which basically means that he experiences romantic attraction to people and not sexual attraction.
Fuck, Dan's head is beginning to hurt.
He glances at the time on his laptop and curses to himself when he realizes that it's already past eight. There are so many things he should've been doing today; he hasn't uploaded a video to his main channel in a couple of weeks and the gaming video they finished filming days ago is still sitting, waiting to be edited. If he were to check Twitter, Dan's sure that there would be hundreds of messages asking when there will be something new.
It's not like he blames the fans. Before meeting Phil, Dan used to spend all of his time wondering when the youtuber would upload a new video.
But it's just - this is important. This is about who Dan is and he just can't focus on anything else right now. It feels like this whole sexuality thing has consumed him, which is ironic considering that he's been staring blankly at the open browser on his laptop for the past twenty minutes.
Phil's been giving him space all day, which Dan appreciates more than he can say. If he pulled out his headphones, Dan would be able to hear Game of Thrones in the living room. He'll forgive Phil for getting ahead of him this one time, although Phil is going to regret it when Dan makes them watch all of the episodes again, together this time.
It suddenly hits Dan that he's been neglecting Phil all day. Phil has been incredible, even after the disaster that was their conversation the other night, even not knowing how this will change their relationship.
Dan really hopes that this doesn't change their relationship, although change is probably inevitable at this point.
Without thinking, he shuts the lid of his laptop and slides out of bed, heading toward the living room.
Phil perks up from his position on the couch when Dan enters the room. When he sees the expression on Dan's face, Phil shifts, sliding his right leg out until it's hanging off the edge of the couch. With a soft sigh, Dan sinks into the space between Phil's legs, resting his head on Phil's chest and closing his eyes.
"How goes the hunt?" Phil asks quietly.
Dan ignores him, needing a minute to recalibrate. Focusing on Phil's heartbeat and the sound of his breathing, Dan allows himself to relax for the first time in over a week. Above him, Phil gently nuzzles at Dan's hair with his nose, letting Dan know that he's here, before turning his attention to Game of Thrones.
This is what he needs, Dan reflects as he continues to listen to the sound of Phil's heart. The only reason they're here now is because Dan decided to freak out about stuff.
"You know that whatever sexuality you choose doesn't change this, right?" Phil asks, as if reading Dan's mind. "You're not going to get rid of me. Sorry about that."
Dan laughs weakly and then promptly tears up, which is stupid.
"I just want you to be happy," Phil continues, reaching out to brush away a tear rolling down Dan's cheek, "even if that means we never sleep together again."
"'S not that," Dan interjects finally. His voice sounds all muffled with tears, which, great. "I like having sex with you. It's good."
"Well," Phil says, pausing. "That's good."
Dan giggles wetly. "Why am I not surprised you'd say that?"
"Shut up." Phil swats at Dan's arm before tangling their fingers together. "I'm serious though. This is so much more than sex for me. You being asexual doesn't change how I feel."
They sit in comfortable silence for another minute before Phil asks, "What are you thinking?"
Dan shrugs. "I don't know. Just...it doesn't bother you?"
He can feel Phil's puzzlement from here. "Why would it bother me?" Phil wonders, reaching around with his other hand so that it's hugging Dan's waist.
"Well, I mean, I don't feel the same thing that you do. That doesn't make you feel unwanted or anything?" Dan forces the words out quickly, as if saying them fast will keep there from being a discussion on the topic. Because, really, it comes down to this. Dan can live without having sexual attraction, because it's not like he can't get aroused and he likes being close to Phil. Not to mention that, ultimately, he's more than who he wants to touch genitals with.
But that feeling of being wanted...he can't give that to Phil. He actually can't, not in the same way at least. And if he were Phil, Dan isn't sure that he'd be able to deal with that. And he's scared, he's so scared that Phil won't be able to deal with not being wanted the same way.
"Do you not want me around?" Phil answers after a long pause.
And that, that's just ridiculous. Dan tells him as much, punctuating it with "you idiot." Of course he wants Phil. Dan can't imagine not having Phil in his life, filling up the empty spaces by leaving cupboard doors open and stealing Dan's cereal and hogging all of the covers at night and loving Dan for who he is.
"Why would I feel unwanted then?" Phil asks, pushing at Dan's shoulder until Dan gets the hint, sitting up and turning so that they're facing each other.
Dan doesn't know quite how to answer that question. Besides, his throat is still clogged up with tears, so he'd probably just end up blubbering over Phil instead of holding an actual, decent conversation.
Instead, he leans forward, glancing up at Phil to make sure that it's okay, and presses a kiss to Phil's cheek. Phil sighs, turning so that their noses are brushing. They kiss once, lips barely brushing, and then Dan can't take it anymore. He launches forward, flinging his arms around Phil's neck and clinging to his friend.
"Hey Phil?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I'm asexual," Dan breathes against the crook of Phil's neck, blinking back tears.
There's a pause, then -
"Nice to meet you, asexual. I'm Phil," says Phil.
"Oh my god, you did not just."
"I did just."
Dan rolls his eyes and clutches tighter at his friend. He's probably squeezing the life out of Phil.
But that's okay, because Phil is holding him just as tightly.
The next time they make love, Dan's throat is scratchy from crying and his eyes are red and he's just generally a mess. They don't make it to the bed this time either, pressing against each other on the couch.
Dan remembers holding Phil's hand.