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“I wonder how Steve discovered this café, I really like it,” Rebecca says.
Bucky spins his sunglasses in his hand. “It’s small, quiet and hardly anyone is here. It’s perfect.”
Becca snorts.
“What?”
“You are so predictable.”
“Do you see him yet?” Bucky asks.
“Nope. Not- oh my word!”
“What?”
“Guy in the brown jacket, tall.”
“Oookay. What about him?”
“I think it’s-“
“Bucky! Becca!”
The tall figure in brown moves forward.
“Hey Steve!” Becca says. She leans in, “He’s hot,” She whispers in Bucky’s ear.
Bucky turns to her. “It is him, right?”
A laugh comes from in front of him and he looks forward. “Yeah, it’s me, Buck. Kind of hard to believe, I know.”
Bucky stands from his chair and motions with an arm. “Get over here.”
Steve laughs and walks around the table and throws his arms around Bucky.
Bucky's eyes widen, and in his shock at his friend's stature, it takes a moment to hug him back.
They pull away and Bucky keeps a hand on his shoulder. “Five years and now you look like this?”
“Yeah well…what’s new with you?”
Bucky smiles mischievously. “Oh, you know, this and that.”
Becca snorts and he kicks her.
“What?” Steve asks, a smile in his voice.
“Sit down, we’ve got a lot to catch up on.”
Bucky sits and watches the Steve blur do the same.
Becca elbows Bucky. “What are you doing?”
“I’m having fun with it.”
Becca huffs, and he knows she's rolling her eyes.
“You’re horrible.” Becca kisses her brother on the cheek. “I’m off.” Becca rounds the table and hugs Steve. “It’s good to see you Steve. We’ll all catch up later I hope?”
“Of course.”
Becca backs away from the table. “Don’t cause too much chaos!”
“Us? Chaos? Never,” Bucky sasses.
Becca laughs, and Bucky hears the bell jingle as she leaves the café.
“I hope you don’t mind, I already got food.”
“Awesome, I’m starving.”
Bucky grins, and he takes his sandwich from the plate in front of him.
“Are you going to tell me what you and Becca were talking about?”
Bucky hums. “Nah, I’d rather go for the shock factor. Though…maybe that’s not a good idea.”
“My hearts all good, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s really amazing actually. This doctor was visiting the hospital my Ma works at, giving a lecture to the staff. She found out he was looking for candidates for a new drug he created that basically strengthens your cells or something. I still don’t really understand it. Anyway I couldn’t apply because of my heart, but she convinced him to meet me anyway. He met me and decided I was the one to test his serum, that’s what I call it. It sounds cooler than drug.”
Bucky chuckles.
“So this doctor, his name is Doctor Erskine, was being sponsored by this company, and they wanted perfect candidates, but he wouldn’t budge, so the company paid for my heart surgery.”
“That awesome Steve! Good for you.”
“I know, and the serum, it pretty much caused my body to level out the chemicals and stuff I was lacking or had too much of. It’s so cool. So I finally grew, most of my allergies are gone, or just really mild, and my asthma is mild too. I still take injections, and might for the rest of my life. But I’m healthier than we ever thought possible. I’m actually on the track and cross country team now.”
Bucky beams. “Do you have any meets coming up?”
“Yeah I do. Do you want to come to one?”
“Obviously.”
“Cool. So uh, how about you? Anything new?”
“Oh, definitely something life changing.”
“Bucky, come on. Stop being coy.”
Bucky snorts. “Coy?”
“Or coquettish. You haven’t lost all that old fashioned charm.”
“You should tell that to my sister. She thinks I’m a jerk.”
“You are a Jerk.”
“I mean, I kind of was for a couple years.”
“You’ve always been a jerk, it’s nothing new.”
“Speaking of new, I don’t need glasses anymore.”
“Yeah I noticed. I thought they didn’t do surgery until you're older though.”
“Oh, no,” Bucky says nonchalantly. “I don’t need glasses anymore because they’d be completely useless. And my vision was never bad enough before for surgery anyway. I-”
“Hold on, what ?”
“Okay, well, I kind of need glasses still.” Bucky pulls some red lensed glasses from his pocket. He puts them on and tilts back in his chair. “I got me these cool new shades.” Bucky smirks and gives him finger guns.
Steve is silent and then he starts sputtering. He finally stops and just starts laughing. “ Bucky . You’re horrible. The absolute worst. I actually believed you for a minute.”
Bucky put his chair back on four legs. “Steve.”
Steve keeps chuckling. “That was good. You got me.”
“I’m not joking.”
“…What? You’re not- you’re not joking?”
“No. I’m legally blind.”
Steve doesn’t make a sound.
“Steve?”
“Oh my- you’re serious?” He says hoarsely.
“Yes.”
“What- how ? I mean you had glasses because you read so much but- when?”
Bucky twists a napkin in his fingers. “There was an accident. I, uh, ended up with a severe traumatic brain injury. It was pretty bad, and well, it was a miracle how well I recovered. I completely lost my sight for three months. Just complete blackness. It started coming back a little, I thought I was seeing things, until one day Becca said she liked my mom's blue shirt. And I realized that I could see that it was blue.” Bucky chuckles. “I started crying. Just full on sobbing. But yeah, I can still see light, and colors, just can’t tell what anything is.”
“Oh Buck.”
Bucky smiles wistfully. “I got so lucky. I can see colors, and light. I was told I’d never see anything again. I am sorry that I lied when you sent me pictures of your art, though. Becca would describe it to me, and I’d just write down whatever she said and made it sound like me.”
“Hey, I didn’t exactly tell you about my medical stuff either.”
Bucky shakes his head, still a small smile on his face. “Who’d have thought we’d have this turn around huh? Not that our experiences are even close to being the same.”
“But people still treat you different. Yeah.”
“Listen, I’m sorry for telling you the way I did. Becca told me not to. But it’s easier, saying it with a punchline.”
“Oh, you use that line a lot huh?”
“Nope, different one every time.”
“It was pretty good. It was funny.”
Yeah I am.
Steve chuckles. “Once the shock goes away, yeah, it’s pretty funny.”
“Yes ,” Bucky whispers.
“Wait, is that why Becca was here, to make sure you didn’t do it?”
“Nah, she knew I was going to. She didn’t know what I was going to say. Becca walked here with me. New York streets are a lot different than Main Street in Shelbyville, Indiana.”
“I bet. Do you miss it?”
“Honestly, yeah, I do. But I missed Brooklyn a lot more.”
“Oh good. For a minute there I thought I was dining with a traitor.”
Bucky laughs. “Nah, I’m a Brooklyn kid through and through.”
They fall into comfortable silence, returning to eating their sandwiches.
“How long has it been? Since your accident?”
“Four years.”
“Just a year after you moved. Wow.”
“Yep. My parents did say we’d be starting over.”
“Bucky ,” Steve gripes.
“Oh come on. I know you think I’m hilarious.”
“The only person who thinks that is you pal.”
“Punk.”
“Jerk.”
Bucky scoops up the shredded napkin and puts it on his empty plate. “Are you ready to head out?”
“Yep. My Ma is dying to see you. She wanted me to invite you for dinner.”
“Sounds good. Are we heading to your apartment then?”
“Yes.”
Bucky and Steve stand, and Bucky pulls a collapsible black with white reflective tape from his backpack pocket.
“Is there a place where we put our dishes?”
“Uh, oh yeah right over there. Here.”
Dishware clinks as Steve stacks their plates. “I’ll be right back.”
Bucky watches him go, then heads for the door, navigating around the tables with relaxed ease.
He stands to the side of the door, and sees the Steve blur come up to him.
“Ready?”
“Waiting on you, sweetheart,” Bucky says cheekily.
“I kind of forgot how sassy you were.”
“It’s all part of the old fashioned charm,” Bucky says, echoing Steve’s words.
Steve chuckles and holds open the door and they step onto the busy sidewalk.
“Which way?”
“Right.”
Bucky takes Steve’s elbow and they walk down the street.
“We’ll have to take the subway, if that’s okay.”
“No. I have an irrational fear of trains,” Bucky deadpans.
Steve laughs.
“How far is your apartment anyway?”
“Fifteen minutes by subway, who knows how long walking.”
Steve walks through the door and kicks off his shoes.
Bucky waits in the entryway. “How much stuff is on the floor?”
“Oh! Uh, just my shoes. Sorry.”
“I used to leave my stuff everywhere, it’s alright.”
Bucky walks into the apartment and closes the door behind him.
Bucky smiles as they walk into the living room. The rug doesn’t seem to have changed, or does the position of the furniture.
“Has it changed much?”
“It hasn't changed at all.” Steve walks down the hall and Bucky follows him into his room.
Bucky grins when he sees the window.
“We used to climb out onto the fire escape and climb up to the roof.”
“Yeah, I still do,” Steve says. “It always reminded me of you. I’d go up there to read your emails.”
Bucky shoves him with his shoulder. “Sap.”
“Guilty.”
Bucky takes his backpack off and hangs it on the desk chair. He collapses his cane and puts it away, comfortable enough in the small space.
“I brought cards.”
“Yeah?”
“I bet I can still crush you in speed.”
“Oh, we’ll see about that.”
“It’s on.”
Bucky pulls out his cards, the face of each card a different color, and he knows there’s a number in the middle.
“Ta-da!”
“Oh, wow, those are…something.”
“They’re fantastic, is what they are.”
Bucky sits on the floor against the bed and deals out the cards. “Go!”
They slap down cards, sometimes slapping each other's hands when they get in the way. Within two minutes Bucky has gotten rid of all of his cards. “Speed! I win.”
Steve groans.
“How many cards did you have left?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Yes.”
“Twelve.”
“Ha! I crushed you.”
They play a few more games and talk.
“Do you have any art projects?”
“A few. I’ve got some paintings I’m working on at school.” Steve stands and goes to his desk.
“I’ve got my sketches. But, um, most of them are just black and white.”
“Can I see?”
Steve hands the open sketchbook to him.
“Will they smudge if I touch them?”
“The charcoal ones will.”
Steve turns the page. “This one is in pen.”
Bucky runs his fingers over the work, and his eyes widen.
“Steve! This is incredible. Becks said you were good, but, wow.”
“Thanks,” Steve says sheepishly.
“Is this your school?”
“Yeah.”
“And, a football field?”
“Yep. There’s a track around it, and some people running.”
Bucky nods. “Do you have any more in pen?”
Steve flips a few pages. “Uh, oh, not that one.”
Bucky catches his hand and runs his fingers over the pencil sketch.
“Hey!” Steve says.
“You drew a girl ? Oh, no, not just a girl. A very pretty girl.”
Bucky glances at Steve and chuckles. He can see a bright blush, standing in contrast with his skin.
“Must be something.”
“Yeah, she is.”
“What’s her name?”
“Peggy. But uh, she doesn’t go to my school. She’s two years older. Her friend Angie does though. That’s how I met her.”
“Have you actually met her?”
“Uh, no. Not exactly.”
Bucky raises a brow. “Oh really?”
“Shut up.” Steve snatches the sketchbook back.
Bucky starts laughing.
“What?”
“I have no idea what the drawing was.”
“ What!”
Bucky keeps laughing.
“You just guessed?”
“Yep.”
“Jerk.”
Bucky wraps an arm around his neck, pulling him into a gentle headlock. “Punk.”
They laugh, and fall into each other.
“I’ve missed you, Bucky.”
“Missed you too, Steve.”
“Steve! Come help me with the groceries!” Sarah calls.
“Coming Ma!”
Steve stands and Bucky follows, leaving his cane.
They walk down the hall and into the living room.
“Oh! Bucky!”
Sarah holds out the bags hanging on her arms and Steve takes them.
Sarah pulls Bucky into a tight hug.
“It’s so good to see you! We were so excited that you came to Brooklyn for college.”
Bucky laughs. “It’s good to see you too Mrs. Rogers.”
“‘Ey!” Sarah let’s go and lightly smacks his arm. “None o’ that,” she says, her soft Irish accent creeping in. “You called me Sarah and you will always call me Sarah.”
Bucky chuckles. “Yes Ma’am.”
Sarah cups his cheek. “Look at you, you’ve gotten so tall. And your eyes are just as…oh. Sarah falls quiet as she realizes Bucky doesn’t meet her eyes. “Oh Bucky. No.”
He smiles sadly. “Yep. I’m blind.”
“Oh honey, what happened?”
“Uh, there was an accident four years ago. Traumatic brain injury. I couldn’t see at all for three months. Now I’ve got color and light, so I’m happy with what I’ve got.”
Sarah pats his cheek and sniffs. “Oh, you’ve gone and grown up on me. Alright, now, you two help me put the groceries away and we’ll get dinner started.” Sarah picks up the remaining bags by the door and steps into the kitchen.
“So Bucky, are you ready for college?” Sarah asks.
Bucky groans. “No. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Sarah laughs.
“The apartment I was planning on was uh, inaccessible, so Becca and I are living together for now.”
“Oh, how is that going?” Sarah asks, shuffling around in the kitchen, putting things away.
“It works actually. We don’t fight like cats and dogs anymore.”
“And I thought that day would never come.” Steve says.
Bucky chuckles. “Yeah, no one did. But we decided we loved each other a lot more than we liked to bother each other, so now we’re thick as thieves. Or, as Mom likes to say, ‘absolutely horrifying, it’s like terrible twos all over again, but ten times worse’ because we’ve actually got the critical thinking skills to come up with cock-eyed plans.”
Steve and Sarah both laugh.
“I saw Becca today for a bit, Ma. She seems like she’s doing well.”
“That’s good. You two are invited over for Sunday dinner by the way.”
“We’d love to come,” Bucky says.
“Are you and Becca going to the same school?” Steve asks.
“For now, yeah. Neither of us knows what we want to do yet. All we knew is we were coming home for college.”
“Well we’re certainly glad to have you back,” Sarah says. “How was highschool? Any girlfriends?”
“Ah, no. I was pretty busy trying to figure out how to adjust to life again.” Bucky lights up. “I went to this amazing highschool though.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Indiana School for the Blind and Visually Impaired. I loved it, after I got over being sorry for myself. Which honestly didn’t take too long after I got some vision back.”
“Can you grate the cheese, Bucky?” Sarah asks.
“Yep, hand it over. What are we making?”
“Potato soup.” Sarah says.
Bucky takes the block and the multi sided grater. He finds the side he wants and starts working, not even looking as he works, but tracking Steve and Sarah as they move around the kitchen.
“It’s nice you got to go to school with kids your age who had similar experiences.” Sarah says.
“Yeah. I tried going to my old school but it was horrible. No one was really willing to work with me. Just told me to sit and listen pretty much.”
“That’s horrible.” Sarah says.
“I know. Especially because I always fell asleep,” Bucky laughs. “Luckily my memory was still crap at that point, so I don’t remember much. Hey, how much of this do you want?”
“Oh, that’s plenty.”
Bucky brushes off the grater and takes it to the sink, keeping his fingers brushing against the counter. Steve is by the stove, stirring something.
Bucky notices that Steve hasn’t said a word.
Bucky cleans the graters and bumps their shoulders. “How about you? Do you like your school?”
“Yeah, it’s okay. The art program is pretty great.”
“Are there art shows?”
“A winter and spring one.”
“Have you been in any of them?”
“A few.”
“Don’t listen to him, he’s been in every single one for the past three years,” Sarah says, pride in her voice.
“Steve! That’s awesome! I think I remember you mentioned it before in your emails.”
“Oh, I might have.”
The kitchen falls quiet.
“Sarah, what else do you want me to do?”
“Steve, how are the potatoes doing?”
Steve moves, and something clanks. “They’re halfway cooked.”
“Perfect. All we’ve got left is throwing everything together. There’s not much left to do.”
“I can do the dishes,” Bucky offers.
“That would be wonderful. Everything is already set in the sink. You two watch the food, I’m going to change out of my scrubs.”
Bucky gently elbows Steve when he hears Sarah’s footsteps retreat. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
Bucky waits and scrubs a pot.
“I just…it makes me sad you got hurt.”
“Oh…look, I know it’s an adjustment, especially since we haven’t seen each other in person for years. My family still messes up sometimes, forgetting I can’t do everything the same way. They all walked on eggshells around me for about a year. Well, part of that is because I was a jerk for a while, and not a sassy annoying jerk either. I was mean and angry. But…I guess what I’m trying to say is I know it takes some getting used to.”
“I’m sorry, Bucky. I’m not- I don’t think you’re incapable of doing things or anything, I’m not going to treat you any different.”
“I know you won’t. ‘Cause you’re used to people treating you like you’re broken and completely helpless.”
“Yeah. Not so much anymore.”
“You lived with people treating you like that for fourteen years though.”
“Yet you handle it a lot better than I did.”
“You can’t possibly know that. You haven’t seen anyone treat me like that yet.”
“Oh, then what do you do?”
“Apparently I have this glare. Becca calls it a murder glare. She says it scares people off, especially when I look right at them, because, you know, they see the cane and assume I can’t see anything. I kid you not, someone has screamed. They started yelling in Russian that I was possessed.”
“Wait, you know Russian?”
“Yep.”
“When did you learn it?”
“Uh, I started learning it three years ago, right before the accident. I decided to keep up with it, not much to do since I used to spend all my spare time reading. Learning a new language also helps your brain rewire itself.”
“…how bad was it?”
“It was severe.”
Bucky hears Sarah come in and pull up a chair. “Is it alright if I listen?”
“‘Course. I know you’re even more curious, Sarah.”
“I uh, had to have a craniotomy. I wouldn’t have had to, if I’d been found sooner. They removed a part of my skull to relieve pressure,” Bucky explains to Steve.
A lid clanks onto the pot, and there’s a beeping of a timer being set. “Let’s sit down, Steve says.
Steve pulls out a chair at the table, and Bucky sits beside him.
“They were actually able to put the bone back in two months.” Bucky says.
“Really?” Sarah asks.
“Yep. I was in a medically induced coma for three weeks, the four more of my body’s own making. So the healing process wasn’t disturbed at all, which is probably what made the difference. But uh, after that, I recovered pretty quickly, all things considered. I had all my language skills, besides reading obviously, back within five months.”
“Wait, language skills?” Steve asks.
The timer beeps and Sarah gets up, and metal clinks against glass. She walks back over and hot soup is set in front of them.
“Oh, right. Yeah. I forgot words a lot, or couldn’t find the right one. Sometimes I said something that wasn’t what I meant to say. But, uh yeah. That was how serious it was,” Bucky searches the table for a spoon.
“It’s in the bowl,” Sarah says.
“Thanks.”
“Must have been some car accident.” Steve says.
Bucky pauses, spoon half way to his mouth. “I never said it was a car accident.”
“Yeah you did… Didn’t you?”
“I just said it was an accident.”
“What-”
“How’s work going at the hospital, Sarah?”
“It’s going great! I was promoted two years ago to chief nursing officer.”
“That’s awesome!”
“Oh, I was so excited. I’m planning on going back to school to become a doctor. Or, well, the hospital wants me to. They’ve offered to pay all expenses, so I’m going when Steve goes to college next year.”
“That’s great, Sarah.”
“When do your classes start?” Steve asks.
“September. Becca and I decided to come a few months early for housing and settling into the city.”
“How long have you been here?”
“Just a week, on our own, anyway. Our parents drove us out and helped us get settled. And to say goodbye. They were a wreck!.” Bucky chuckles. “Maggie hid behind some boxes when they were trying to leave and we spent two hours looking for her.”
The three laugh and they finish up dinner.
Bucky's phone rings as they’re cleaning up, the voice over announcing that Rebecca is calling. Bucky answers the phone.
“Hey, I’m heading home, do you want me to swing by?” Becca says.
“That’d be great.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in ten minutes. Same apartment?”
“Yep.”
“Okay see you soon.”
“Uh huh. Bye.”
Bucky gets his backpack and they wait talking in the living room.
“Bucky, do you cook at all at home?” Sarah asks.
“Yep, along with regular school work they had rehabilitation courses.”
“Oh I’m so glad you got to go to a great school, Sarah says.”
“Yeah, moving ended up being a blessing in disguise, the school is in Indianapolis, just 20 minutes away. It’s actually internationally recognized as one of the best schools for the blind.”
The intercom buzzes and Steve stands to let Becca up.
Three minutes later Becca is knocking on the door.
The three stand crowding in the entryway.
“Becca, it’s so good to see you!” Sarah pulls Becca into a hug as soon as the door opens.
“Hi Sarah! It’s good to see you too!” Becca pulls away. “Did you two delinquents behave?”
“Yes, mom,” Bucky sasses.
Becca gently hits his arm.
“I’m expecting you both for Sunday dinner, five o’clock,” Sarah says. “But come earlier if you don’t want to get stuck in the dinner rush.”
“I can come. Bucky?” Becca asks.
“We’ll be there.”
“Wonderful, we will see you then,” Sarah says.
Bucky touches Steve’s elbow. “It’s good to see you, Steve.”
Steve hugs him, perhaps a little tighter than necessary. “You too Bucky. See you Sunday.”
“Yep. Bye. Thank you for dinner Sarah.”
“Get home safe.”
We will, Bucky and Becca say at the same time.
Becca links her arm with her brothers as they walk to the elevator. “So, how did it go?”
“Great. I can still beat him at cards.”
“I mean telling him, stupid.”
Bucky grins. “Well, he asked me if I got surgery because I wasn’t wearing glasses anymore. I told him I didn’t need them anymore because they’d be completely useless.”
“Bucky!”
“It gets better. I said I kind of do still, and pulled out my sunglasses,” Bucky does so, pulling them from his pocket and putting them on. “I got me these cool new shades,” He repeats and he smirks, giving Becca finger guns.
“You’re horrible!”
“He didn’t know what to say, then he started laughing because he thought I was joking.”
Becca groans and they step out of the elevator into the lobby.
“After he got over the shock he told me that I’m hilarious.”
“He did not.”
“He did .”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Hey, we’re friends for a reason.”
Becca sighs dramatically. “You two are an unfortunate pair.”
Bucky grins then winces as they step outside. The lights of the city at night are harsh, even with his sunglasses on.
“Headlights should be illegal.”
“Oh yeah, cause millions of car crashes just so you’re not in pain.”
“Hey, I am very important.”
“Sure, Bucket, sure.”
The twins break into laughter and walk down the street arm in arm.
A few weeks later.
Someone stands beside Bucky, and from the corner of his eye he sees him reaching for his pocket.
Bucky waits until he has his wallet, then swiftly grabs the man's wrist. “Not cool, pal, stealing from a blind guy? Real classy.”
Bucky plucks his wallet from the man's hand and grabs the pole again.
The man leans into his space. “You’re not even blind are you? You're faking, a blind person wouldn’t have been able to see me.”
“Oh, look at that, here you are announcing to the world your ignorance. I’d say stop while you’re ahead, but I doubt you’ve ever been ahead in your life. Now back off, and leave me alone,” Bucky growls.
“Oooh, burn,” He hears a girl whisper to his right.
The subway moves to a stop and people crowd out. Bucky goes to leave, but sees the guy following him.
He stops and turns around, jabbing the guy with his cane.
“Follow me, and you lose an eye, pal.” Bucky glares at him and steps onto the platform. The man doesn’t follow.
“Hey Bucky!”
“Back off!” He snaps. Bucky winces and realizes he recognizes the voice. “Sorry.”
Bucky walks up to Steve.
“Rough day?” Steve asks.
Bucky scoffs. “Idiot on the train. Tried to steal my wallet.”
“What ?”
“It’s fine. Let’s go.” Bucky moves to go up the stairs, but Steve doesn’t follow.
“Come on.”
“You know, you should report that guy.”
“To who? And how exactly would I do that, huh?”
“I dunno, you could-”
“Steve. Stop. You didn’t let me fight your battles, you don’t get to fight mine.”
“This is what it was like, huh?”
“Oh, no no no. It was so much worse. You fought other peoples battles for them, and battles that didn’t even need to be fought and you got mad at me for helping. And you also fought them by actually fighting them with your fists.”
Steve sighs. “It’s a real shame, I can’t get away with it anymore.”
“Thank goodness for that,” Bucky mutters. He grabs Steve’s arm. “Now let’s go .”
They walk up the steps and out onto the street.
Someone walks right in front of him, and knocks into Bucky when he doesn’t move out of the way.
Bucky curses at the person.
“Bucky .” Steve intones.
Bucky sighs. “I know. I know, I need to cool off.”
Steve and Bucky walk to Steve’s apartment in silence.
“You okay?” Steve asks, once they’re settled in his room, homework and laptop out.
“Going to a school where everyone is like you leaves you kind of sheltered.”
“Not sheltered enough to keep your mouth out of the gutter.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. We all have rough days.”
“It’s actually been a pretty good day, but I’ll take the out while you're offering.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“I did some research, about TBI’s, is this what it means by personality changes?”
“The whole personality changes thing aren’t actually real. It seems like it, but it’s just your emotions and behaviors that’s a little different, which seems like your personality, but those things are only a part of a personality.”
“Ah.”
“Yeah, my problem is my impulse control is crap now.”
“Kinda like someone else you know?”
Bucky snorts. “Yeah, but imagine on bad days, it’s ten times worse.”
“Oh man, that’s…uh…”
“A nightmare.” Bucky finishes
“I mean, yeah, kinda.”
“You’re like a calculated reckless, most of the time anyway. You take in the risk before you actually do something reckless. I don’t really have that ability sometimes.”
“You should write a book.”
Bucky snorts.
“I mean it. I remember you were a really good writer.”
“Yeah, Steven, were . That was before I was beaten within a millimeter of my life.”
Bucky realizes what he’s said only after he’s said it.
“What?” Is Steve’s strangled response.
“I…”Bucky sighs. “Gimme a minute and I’ll tell you, okay?”
“You don’t have to, Buck, not if you’re not ready.”
“It’s a bit late for going back now. Just shut up and do your homework. I’m gonna go have an inner crisis.”
“Bucky-“
“Shush.”
Bucky opens the window and climbs out onto the fire escape, he sits and leans against the wall where Steve can’t see him unless he leans out the window.
Bucky closes his eyes and leans his head against the brick.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. He just had to open his mouth. He should have just actually admitted to Steve that today wasn’t a good day and stayed home, But he just had to be stubborn and power through it.
He takes a shaky breath. Broken memories and images flicker through his mind.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so terrifying if he could actually make sense of what any of it meant. Like, what is with the red octopus with a skull instead of a head supposed to mean…wait. That one is new.
No. He is not doing this right now. He is not digging through his broken memories and letting himself remember new things.
But when has he ever been in control of his mind?
Steve slides the window open, and leans out.
Bucky is sitting against the brick, his head back against the wall, evening sun lighting up his face.
Steve climbs out and sits beside his friend.
He doesn’t open his eyes.
“I have water, if you want it.”
Bucky holds out his hand and Steve gives it to him. He drinks half of it, then dumps the rest of the icy water on his head.
“Bucky!”
Bucky shakes himself. “S-sorry.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Hands. No. H…”
Bucky sighs and drops his head against the wall.
“It helps?”
Bucky nods.
“Can I hug you?”
“Not…”
Bucky scoots over and sits shoulder to shoulder with Steve.
“Got it.”
Bucky pulls the hair tie from his wet hair so it will dry.
“How did your dad ever let you get away with long hair?” Steve says, not the first time wondering about it.
Bucky huffs a small laugh.
“He did not.”
“Because I can totally see him forcing you into a chair and cutting it off.”
Bucky does another sighing laugh. He runs a tremoring hand through his hair. “It was…uh…mean…” Bucky makes a tearing motion like he’s ripping something in half.
“Halfway.”
“Yeah. Half there. I was uh, they took…me.”
Steve frowns and- Oh . Please no. Not Bucky.
“…You were kidnapped,” He whispers.
Bucky nods, still not opening his eyes.
“Oh Bucky.”
Bucky holds up three fingers.
“Three days?”
“No.”
Dread settles in his chest.
“Months,” He says with his brow furrowed, still whispering.
“Yes.”
Steve leans his head on his friend’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
Bucky sighs, and lets Steve stay where he is, but doesn’t move to lean into him.
Steve wonders if it’s because it’s comforting Bucky, or if it’s comforting him.
Steve watches the sun set, and hears Bucky's breath slow, evening out.
Maybe a bit of both.
Steve slowly lifts his head, and leans his head against the brick. Bucky shifts and his head drops onto Steve’s shoulder.
“Steve?”
His mom's voice is in his room, her accent more prevalent, as it gets when she has heightened emotions.
“Out here,” He says, loud enough that she can hear, but still quiet.
Sarah opens the window more and leans out.
“Oh.” She smiles. “Hi,” She whispers.
“Hi.”
“Just like when you were kids.”
“Yeah, except usually I was the one falling asleep on Bucky.”
“Rough day?”
“Yeah.”
“How about you bring him inside, that grate is going to numb your butts off.”
Steve laughs quietly, but the movement makes Bucky wake up. He mumbles incoherently and lifts his head. He opens his eyes and immediately squeezes them shut. Ow.
Steve nudges, and Bucky not so kindly tells him to leave him alone.
“Hey, come on, let’s go inside.”
“Why’ssat?” Bucky mumbles.
“‘Cause ma says we’ll numb our butts off if we stay out here.”
Bucky mumbles another string of words that either don’t make sense together, or are too slurred for Steve to understand.
“Come on.” Steve stands and pulls Bucky to his feet.
He helps Bucky through the window, but Bucky trips and Sarah catches him.
He drops his forehead to her shoulder. “Hi,” He mumbles.
“Hello, A Pheata.*” (* A mother’s darling. A mother expressing endearment for her children).
Sarah puts a hand to his head. “Why is your hair wet?”
“It is.” Bucky states.
“He dumped a cup of water on himself. Said it helped.”
“Hm. Come on.”
Sarah leads Bucky through the house, still with his eyes closed, and sits him on the couch. “You can sleep while we make dinner.”
Bucky drops sideways. “Umph,” Is all he says before he’s asleep again.
Immediately Steve turns to his mom with worried eyes.
Sarah pulls his feet onto the couch and puts a blanket over him.
Sarah walks into the kitchen and he follows.
“It’s not uncommon for symptoms to flare when the person is tired or stressed.”
“Or both?”
“Yes.”
“I…I didn’t realize it was so bad. He seems perfectly fine.”
Sarah reaches up and pulls Steve's head down so she can kiss her son on the forehead, framing his face with her hands. “He is okay. His okay is just different than what you want it to be.”
“Is this how he felt Ma, when we were kids? Just lost, and worried, and…helpless.”
“Oh, A Stór. I have had this conversation with him many times. Yes, this is how he felt.”
“It’s horrible.”
“It is a symptom of love,” His mother says, then She turns to the fridge and starts pulling things out.
“I hate it.”
Sarah laughs quietly. “I suspect that is how all siblings feel.”
Steve smiles. “I guess so.” His smile falls as he looks over at Bucky passed out on the couch.
“Maybe he should be home, with his family.”
“Everyone has bad days. And I am sure he thought very hard before deciding to move away. And argued with his parents quite a bit.”
“Probably.” Absolutely . Especially after what Bucky said. How did they ever let Bucky leave? Steve didn’t even know until years later and he never wants to let him out of his sight.
Steve falls quiet and helps his mom with dinner.
“I’m worried about him.”
Sarah looks up at him, and waits for him to speak.
“He was...different today. He said this guy tried to steal his wallet, but he seemed a lot angrier about it than he would be if only that happened. And this guy walked into him because he expected Bucky to move out of the way, and he cursed him out. I mean, I’ve never heard Bucky talk that way.” Steve sighs. “He was just…I dunno, darker today. I asked him about it, and he said that his impulse control is ten times worse than mine on bad days.”
His mother says something in Gaelic, that he takes to mean ‘a nightmare I'd never wish to see.’
“And then he said something he didn’t mean to, and he just, well, he said he was going to have an inner crisis and climbed out the window.”
Sarah’s lips twitch. “That is very like himself, don’t you think?”
“..Yeah, I guess. He didn’t come back in after half an hour, so I got some water and went out and he was just…not Bucky.”
“Is what he said weighing heavily on you?”
“Yeah,” Steve’s voice cracks with emotion.
Sarah pulls her son into his arms, and even though her head doesn’t quite come up to his chin, she is the one holding him.
“He said he was kidnapped,” He whispers. “Except he couldn’t even say it, because he could only speak in four letter words, and hardly any anyways,” Steve rambles, tears falling down his cheeks.
Sarah holds her son, and hand on his neck, and he drops his head to her shoulder, crying quietly for the pain his brother had endured.
Steve sniffs and he and his mom finish making dinner.
Forty five minutes later Steve shakes Bucky awake. “Time for dinner.”
“No thanks,” He says, keeping his eyes closed.
Sarah claps her hands. “Up an’ at ‘em!”
Bucky opens his eyes and sits up. “Sorry, I fell asleep.”
“It’s okay.”
Bucky stands. “What time is it?”
“Seven,” Steve says.
“I should go home.”
Steve looks at his mom.
“You’ll fall asleep before you get there. You’re welcome to stay here tonight,” Sarah says.
“I-“ Bucky sighs. “If it’s okay.”
“Of course it is.”
They eat dinner, Steve and Sarah doing the talking.
“I’ll clean up. Bucky you can borrow some of Steve’s pajamas, and he’ll show you where the extra toothbrushes are,” Sarah says.
Bucky and Steve head to his bedroom and Steve rummages through the closet.
“Here,” Steve holds out a t-shirt and sweatpants.
“These won’t fit me.”
“Actually we’re about the same size. You’ve just got more muscle and I’m slightly taller.”
“You’re taller?”
“Yep. By about an inch.”
“Life just got weird.”
Steve laughs. “Here I’ll get you a toothbrush.”
Steve goes into the bathroom across the hall and hands him a toothbrush and toothpaste.
“Is this toothpaste yours?”
“Yeah, sorry, we don’t have any extra.”
“No, just, I usually put it straight in my mouth.”
“Ew. Really?”
“Yep. Can you put it on for me?”
Steve takes them from his hand then hands it back. “Here.”
“Thanks.” Bucky turns to the sink.
“I’ll just be in my room.”
Bucky closes the door with his foot.
Bucky comes out a few minutes later.
“You were right. We can share clothes now. “
Steve laughs. “Does Becca still steal your t-shirts?”
“All the time. And my sweatshirts now. I think she started doing it while I was in the hospital, she claims it’s just because she likes bigger sweatshirts. Or maybe sisters are naturally just clothing thieves.”
Steve laughs and Bucky yawns.
“Are you okay sleeping on the couch?”
“It’s not like we can share a bed anymore.”
“Here’s a blanket.”
Bucky takes it and goes back to the living room and collapses onto the couch. He’s asleep within five minutes.
Early the next morning Bucky comes into the kitchen while Steve is pouring himself some cereal.
“Hey Bucky, do you want some cereal?”
Bucky blinks and looks around the room, his brow furrowed in confusion.
“Bucky?”
Bucky's legs buckle and Steve jerks forward catching him, dropping
Steve struggles to keep Bucky’s limp body from falling to the floor and slowly lowers him down.
“Ma!” He desperately shouts.
Sarah comes running a few seconds later, her hair dripping wet and a bathrobe tied around her waist.
She kneels down beside Bucky.
Bucky becomes less limp and opens his eyes. He jerks and sits up, shoving Steve away.
“No! Ge’way.”
Sarah puts a hand on his chest. “Hey, Bucky you’re alright.”
“Wha’s jus’ happe’d.”
Sarah looks at Steve.
“It looks like you passed out,” Steve says. “You were walking and you just dropped.”
Bucky lays back down and curses.
“You had a seizure,” Sarah guesses.
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t even think you’d take medication at night.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t think about it either.” Bucky winces. “I might have forgotten it the day before too.”
“It would explain why you were so tired.”
“And anxious. I forgot to take everything.”
“Steve, go get dressed and run to Bucky's apartment and get his medication.”
Steve nods and hurries to his room, accidentally slamming his door in his rush.
Bucky winces and he tries to get up again.
“Uh uh. You’re staying right here for five minutes before you move.”
Bucky lays back down and glares at the ceiling.
“You know, I still have glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling. I hate the dark, it terrifies me now, but a nightlight is too bright. So, stars.”
“You are never too old for glow in the dark stars,” Sarah says seriously.
Bucky laughs, then panic shifts onto his face.
“I forgot to tell Becca I was staying here!”
“I texted her last night.”
“Oh. Good… Crap .”
Bucky's entire body stiffens and a few seconds later Steve comes tripping out of his bedroom.
“Ma?”
“He’s okay. Go get my card and take a taxi.”
“I already got it. Are you sure he’s okay?”
“I’m sure. Now go on.”
“Right, right!”
Steve rushes out the door, slamming it behind him.
“Always slamin’ doors,” Bucky slurs.
Sarah hums. “Expressive that one.”
Bucky huffs a tired laugh.
“How many seizures do you usually have?”
“It’s been a while. Five.”
Sarah cards her fingers through his hair.
“Oh, I wish I had your hair.”
“Dad hates it.”
“Oh, I can imagine. Military men ,” She emphasizes.
“I wanted to join. Help people.”
“There are lots of ways to help people. You could be a doctor.”
“Focus ain’t my friend.”
Sarah chuckles. “Maybe not. But focus isn’t your foe either. I’ve seen you get so sucked into your homework you don’t even hear me calling your name..”
“I’ve spent enough time in hospitals and doctors offices.”
“You would be a good teacher,” Sarah muses.
“I hate kids.”
“Oh, I've seen exactly how you treat your sisters. You love kids.”
“I’m biased…I’ve thought about it a few times, Bucky admits. “Teaching highschool, or something.”
“You’d be good at it.”
“I’m a jerk to people.”
“Only when you don’t sleep,” Sarah teases.
“…yeah. I had some great teachers. Made a big difference in my life…probably saved my life a few times,” He says quietly.
“Teachers tend to have an effect on students that parents don’t when they deeply care about their students and know how to show it.”
“I dunno. I got pretty lucky. I’ve got a great dad, and basically two amazing moms.”
Sarah smiles. “Oh I like that very much.”
“Oh, good, because then it’s not weird when I tell you your bathrobe is coming undone.”
Sarah swats his shoulder and fixes her robe. “Cheeky.”
Sarah glances at the clock on the mantle. “It’s been about ten minutes.”
“Yeah, this is usually at least a three hour kind of thing.”
“Does your medication help?”
“It always stops at five when I take it.”
“I think you can move to the carpet if you’d like.”
Bucky sits up and waits a moment before he stands, Sarah standing with him, a hand on his arm.
“My vision is wack.”
“You should lay back down then.”
“Nah.” Bucky makes it to the living room with Sarah and pulls a pillow off the couch, then lays back down. “It’s just my optical nerve is already damaged so it freaks out when my brain is being weird.”
Sarah laughs. “I love your medical explanations.”
“You’re the only one. Steve hates it when I talk about this stuff.”
“He just doesn’t know what to say. People are usually the one saying things to him, he’s not sure what to do on the other side of the picture.”
“Crazy train,” Bucky says.
“Pardon?”
His body stiffens and a grunt escapes him, then his limbs start jerking.
Sarah makes sure the collar of his sweatshirt is pulled away from his neck and counts the seconds.
Bucky is still for three minutes before he opens his eyes.
“Wa’s happn’?”
“You had a tonic clonic seizure and you’re in Steve and Sarah’s apartment.”
Bucky groans.
“I'm assuming this is what you meant by crazy train?”
“Uh huh. Is this how Steve feels after the cyclone?” He mumbles. “Whas’ th’ time?”
“Forty five seconds.”
“One and a half is dangerous.”
“Good to know. Three down.”
“Yay,” Bucky says sarcastically. “Sleep?”
“You can sleep.”
Bucky's breathing almost immediately even out as he falls asleep.
Sarah stands and pulls her bathrobe tight around her. She sits on the couch with a sigh and tilts her head back.
Sometime later the door slams open, making Sarah jump.
“Steve! Watch the door.”
“Sorry, Ma.”
“Hey Sarah,” Becca says, she crouches down by her brother and brushes his hair from his forehead.
“Bucky.” She shakes him when he doesn’t wake up. “Buuucky,” she sings.
Bucky peels open his eyes and mumbles at her, then closes them again.
“Hey, no.” Becca shakes him again. “Wake up.”
“Wha’?”
Becca pulls a plastic bag from her pocket and shakes it. Bucky groans and sits up, holding out his hand.
She puts the bag in his hand.
“Oh joy, drugs,” He mutters.
“Oh hush,” His sister tells him.
“I know you think I’m funny.”
“Hm, I think you’re just confused.”
“Shut up.”
Bucky dumps the pills into his mouth and swallows them dry.
“You should be taking that with water,” Sarah says.
“Noo thank you. I’ve embarrassed myself enough.”
“You can’t go the whole day without drinking water, your body has used up a ton of energy.”
“Just an hour after five.”
“That is the whole day, Buck,” Steve says.
“ Number five.”
“Oh.”
“It’s usually when they stop, or have a few hours between round two.”
“You’re an idiot,” Becca scolds. “You haven’t had any in a year!”
“I know, I know.” Bucky lays back down. “Now let me sleep.”
As soon as Bucky is asleep Becca relaxes and sits on the couch next to Sarah. Becca looks at her trying not to smile. “You can go get dressed now.”
“Oh! Oh my goodness. I forgot.” Sarah’s face turns red, just like her son does when he’s embarrassed.
“I’ll be right back.”
Steve sits in his mom's spot beside Becca, intently watching Bucky sleep.
Becca bumps him with her shoulder. “He’s fine, stop being a worrywart.”
“I didn’t know,” Steve says quietly. “He didn’t tell me.”
“And that’s why he’s having seizures today.” Becca sighs. “It’s not just you he doesn’t tell. He won’t say anything about his disabilities if he can get away with it. He is getting better at it, and he doesn’t mind telling people he’s blind, but, the other results of the brain injury…I dunno. He doesn’t want people to see that part of him.”
“Even me?”
“Even me …has he told you anything about the accident?
“Yeah, yesterday. He said something he didn’t mean to.”
“What did he say?”
“Uh…that he was beaten within a millimeter of his life. And that he was kidnapped before that.”
“Oh.”
“You knew, right?”
“Of course I know. I just hate thinking about it. Becca twists a ring on her finger. “My built-in best friend went missing. After three days they said he was most likely dead in a ditch somewhere. We did everything together, even when we acted like we hated each other. It was terrifying to think I'd have to walk through life without him by my side.” Becca is quiet for a few minutes. “He says he doesn’t remember anything about the three months he was missing. I don’t know if he really doesn’t or if he’s just telling himself he doesn’t. He hides from people. Always has walls up.”
“Yeah, I noticed that. He was always so open, carefree.”
“He has times when he is.” Becca smiles at Steve. “He’s been a lot more open since you guys reconnected. It’s strange, his blindness goes both ways. He can’t see other people clearly, and he doesn’t let other people see him.”
The two fall into silence, sitting shoulder to shoulder.
“I think of Bucky as my brother,'' Steve says. “You’re my family too, Becca.”
Becca kisses Steve on the cheek. “As far as I’m concerned, I’ve always had two brothers.”
Steve’s ears turn red and he grins.
Sarah comes into the room and leans over the back of the couch, kissing both of them on the head. “And I have wonderful children,” Sarah says.
Becca and Steve laugh quietly.
Bucky shifts and his brow furrows, then he opens his eyes.
“No. Nonono.”
“Bucky?”
Becca kneels by her brother. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t see. I can’t see! No, no!.”
“You’re okay, Bucky. You’re okay.”
“I can’t see,” he sobs.
“I know. You’ll be able to see in a minute.”
Tears stream from his eyes.
Becca holds his hands.
“Let me see you. Please ,” He begs.
“It’s okay.”
Steve stands from the couch and sits at the kitchen table, his back to the twins, feeling like he’s watching something private, even though Bucky is his brother.
His mom sits next to him, tears in her eyes and she presses a hand to her mouth.
Steve leans forward and hugs her.
A few minutes later, Bucky's hyperventilating is cut off by a sob.
“Can you see me now?”
He must nod, because Becca says to him,
“See, it’s okay.”
Steve looks over and sees Bucky sitting up, the twins clinging to each other.
They pull apart and rest their foreheads together.
“You have blue eyes.”
“So do you.”
Bucky pulls away.
“You’re wearing purple.”
“Yes.”
“The rug is gray and blue.”
“Yep.”
Bucky drops his head to her shoulder. “I see you, He whispers.
“Blind or sighted you always could.”
“Love you stupid, Stupid.”
“Love you buckets, Bucket.”
Bucky hums and slumps into his sister. “I hate it.”
“Me too.”
Bucky sighs and stands up.
“Whoa, wait, what are you doing?”
“Um…I dunno?”
“Sit down.”
Bucky falls on top of his sister like a deadweight.
“Oh, rude ,” She says, not making a move to push him off. “I swear, even having a seizure he has brother instincts.”
Steve and Sarah laugh.
“You laughin’ at me?” Bucky slurs.
They all laugh harder, and Bucky closes his eyes.
“Oh, rude ,” He mumbles, causing the three to laugh even harder.
At some point during their giggle fit Bucky falls asleep, still half on top of his sister, an arm draped over her back.
“Ew! Ew! Get off, you’re drooling on me!” Becca shoves Bucky off of her.
“Shut up. M’ tryin’ to sleep.”
“Gross .”
“You steal my comb.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Gross.”
“Nuh uh, that does not even compare to you drooling on me, in fact it’s not gross at all!”
“Yes.”
“No!”
“You just said it’s not.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying .”
Sarah looks over at Steve with raised brows. “Cats and dogs,” She mouths.