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It was not a thing he went out announcing, the few people that knew had either found out by themselves or were the exception when Frank explicitly told them. With Maria, it had been different, so it had with Karen. Maria had been the first person he wanted to be himself with, she was someone he could be open about himself. Yeah, she ripped his heart, stepped on it, feed it to a dog, but feeling something from it was always worth it.
Karen, in Frank’s opinion, was a bit nosy for her own good. Noticing things other people often overlooked, she had figured it out on her own. She hadn’t mentioned that she knew at first, not until things between them got more serious. And Frank found himself not caring that she found it out on her own. Maybe that allowed them to get closer in ways he didn’t think he could with anyone else after the Carusel.
He couldn’t say the same with Micro, he had found out with the medical records he had pulled up when searching for Frank’s help. He was pissed, and if Frank had punched him when Micro let it slip that he knew Frank’s secret was nobody else’s business. David had apologized later but Frank had just shrugged it off. Micro had grown on Frank so it didn’t matter what he knew or didn’t know.
Amy. Well, she was the easiest to tell without explicitly telling her. The kid was smart and very lousy too. It wasn’t a surprise when she just straight started asking him questions about it. He ignored her, it was the best way to get her to shut up. But she understood with those silences that he didn’t mind her knowing.
Frank wasn’t trying to hide.
Well… Not fully.
But he wasn’t going to tell Red.
Murdock was annoying enough with his fancy senses, knowing when he was lying about getting hurt and when he was avoiding talking about his relationship with Karen. It had taken a while for them to meet again, after their whole individual mess with Fisk and Russo. They had met a few times trying to stop some people in the Kitchen, never stopping long enough to have conversations of more than a few words. Frank associated that Red started to find him more often thanks to Karen.
It wasn’t like Karen was trying to hide their relationship, it was just something that didn’t come up to either of her friends, and Red was probably trying to check if he wasn’t hurting Karen.
As Frank could ever hurt her.
And Frank was fine with it at first, Red just popping up when he was doing recon or stopping him from killing some dirtbag. But he was starting to get annoying at this point. Always wanting to know personal stuff about him. Frank didn’t have time to deal with that right now.
Frank also didn’t like that he felt some sort of responsibility to Red to be more of a… man. Amy would probably tell him that it was his fragile masculinity, whatever that meant. He just felt this constant obligation to be more masculine than he already was, he’s not saying that he wasn’t just… just that he needs to be seen as more masculine to be considered a man. This is ridiculous to Frank, he had signed up to be a Marine when he was just 18 and he had felt that same way back then, but as time went by and he met Maria he had finally started to be comfortable in his masculinity.
For fucks sake, he was a 40-year-old grown man overthinking his masculinity over a guy dressed in all black fighting criminals at night.
So when it finally happened, when Murdock had finally said something regarding the "issue" it still threw Frank off a curve.
They were both sitting on a roof waiting for some new gang to meet up so they could take them down when Red finally spoke.
“You know you don’t have to prove anything to me, right?”
“Prove what, Red?”
“That you’re a…” He just trailed off, he seemed cautious on how to approach this.
“That I’m a what, Red? Spit it out.”
“That you’re a man, Frank.”
Silence. Frank didn’t know what to say, how to respond to what Matt had said. It wasn’t a secret, it wasn’t something he was open about either. It felt odd that Red knew. The guy Frank had shot in the head. Christ.
“What did you just say?” Why was he angry? The guy knew the problem was solved. It no longer would affect how Frank acted around him, with that big tough guy persona that Amy would call his fragile masculinity.
“I know that you’re a man, Frank. You don’t have to prove it to me,” Murdock said, raising his hands to say he was innocent and to probably calm down Frank who had his fists closed with anger.
It somewhat helped calm Frank down, just a bit. Red, with his weird senses, took notice and lowered his hands to his sides.
Frank moved to the other side, picking up his gun but still keeping an eye on the warehouse where the gang was supposed to gather at any time soon.
“Frank…”
“Not now, Red.”
Surprisingly enough, he didn’t add anything else. After that, there was an uncomfortable silence. Frank had never been happier to see a gang show up.
—
Frank tried his best to avoid Red after that, which seemed like a hard thing to do. He was almost at every single place Frank was supposed to be. It made Frank even angrier.
Couldn’t this guy take a fucking hint? Frank didn’t want to talk about it so he didn’t, it wasn’t anyone else’s business if he didn’t feel like talking it with the lawyer.
Murdock probably told Karen, or she noticed the behavior of both of them because the next time she saw Frank she just gave him a disappointed stare. As if she hoped that Frank could stop acting all tough and, for lack of a better word, man up and be honest about who he was to just one person. She was hoping for the acceptance of Frank about himself, not about the acceptance of others about him just his own.
It made something sit tight in his chest.
Because the next time he had taken a shower he didn’t ignore the scars on his chest like he always did. He just stared at them, not with disgust or indifference just acknowledging something he had forgotten. Maybe talking about it for once wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe.
—
The universe must hate Frank Castle. There couldn’t be another explanation for what kept happening to him. He had been distracted since that conversation with Red, trying to ignore the man as best as he could. Trying to pretend like the concerned stares Karen gave his way didn’t belong with that same exchange.
He had tracked a gang that was selling some dangerous drugs to kids. Kids. Frank couldn’t let that happen, so he had tracked them down and was going to end things his way. Red was not so far behind. But Frank didn’t care, he couldn’t let these drugs kill so many kids. But Murdock had to interfere with Frank’s plan, the point on how they got here to Matt’s apartment with Frank bleeding on his couch.
Back in the warehouse, Frank was about to shoot someone but Red had to come in and kick his gun out of his hand. Making the gang members realize they were there. Before Frank could reach for his other gun, Red was pushing him to the ground to get away from the rain of bullets coming in their direction.
“God damn it, Red! I fucking told you to leave me alone.”
“You don’t give me so many options when you're acting irrational, Frank!”
When the gang members started to reload their guns, both of them moved to get them. But apparently, Red getting here had thrown him off his balance because he didn’t see the guy behind them until he felt a bullet hit him in the shoulder where the kevlar didn’t cover him. It hurt like a bitch.
Frank hid behind a box while Red took on the other gang members.
The bullet was still stuck in his shoulder, he guessed that that was at least some luck he could get in this situation. It was better than bleeding out faster in a warehouse full of drugs. He must have zoned out trying to apply pressure to his shoulder that he didn’t notice when Red crouched in front of him.
“I already called the cops, we have to get out of here,” he said, taking Frank’s unhurt shoulder to help move him. Red took him to his van, miraculously he didn’t live that far so Frank could drive (very fast) to Murdock’s apartment.
Matt helped him get out of the van and climbed the stairs to get in through the rooftop entrance. Once they were in Matt’s apartment he sat Frank on his couch and left to get the supplies to pull the bullet out of his shoulder and stitch him up.
“I need you to take the vest and your shirt off,” Matt told Frank from his kitchen. Matt picked up how Frank’s steady heartbeat skipped a beat, how his breathing had changed, how he clenched the hand that wasn’t applying pressure to his shoulder. It happened so fast that if he wasn’t trying to figure out what Frank was feeling maybe he would have missed it.
Frank hoped that Red hadn’t picked up on his nervousness at the prospect of having to expose himself like that. Maybe that’s the reason he kept wearing layers of clothes even if he had gotten top surgery years ago. It felt stupid to him that he couldn’t take his vest and shirt off even if he was on the edge of bleeding out on the lawyer’s couch. God, Amy would be laughing at him if she ever found out about this.
Suddenly, Red was in his peripheral vision and he made Frank jump a little. He needed to stop zoning out around him.
“Come on Frank, you’re gonna bleed out on my couch if I don’t stitch that up.”
But Frank didn’t move. He felt like a fucking idiot.
“Is not like I’m going to see anything,” Red said smiling slightly at his stupid joke trying to make the situation feel lighter, not something that was tearing Frank apart.
Slowly, trying not to hurt his shoulder more, Frank started to take off the kevlar vest. The only sound in Matt’s apartment was the ripping of the velcro. But Frank stopped there, hesitating at taking his shirt off.
Frank felt as if he were more exposed than just taking his shirt off as if somehow baring his scars out in front of Red would make him less of a man, fucking hell.
Matt could tell how tense Frank was over this situation, he was not even looking in his direction. He got quickly to work at Frank’s shoulder. But Frank had his left arm crossed over his chest, trying to cover his scars, which made it impossible for Matt to get a good angle to take the bullet out.
“Frank move your damn arm, I’m not going to let you bleed out on my couch just because you are being stubborn.”
“Fuck off, Red,” he said, sounding angry and antsy at the same time.
“Just move your arm, don’t be such a pus-” He stopped himself there, not knowing if he had said something to make Frank even angrier.
“What, Red? A pussy?” Frank asked, not giving away too much with the tone that he said it with. “Are you going soft on me now that you can’t even finish insulting me, Red?”
Matt let out the breath that didn’t realize he was holding in and chuckled lightly. That seemed like the right reaction to this as Frank finally moved his arm and Matt got to work cleaning the gunshot first.
Matt worked in silence as Frank tried not to think too much of the situation, what he was going to say after Red finished patching him up. He couldn’t just stay silent for once, he owed that much to Karen but mostly to himself. The sting from the alcohol Red was rubbing on the wound to clean it made him snap from his thoughts and finally look at Murdock’s face. The asshole must have sensed it and he just smiled slightly at Frank and continued working.
They both had stayed in somewhat uncomfortable silence as Matt finally reached to pull the bullet out. After that, he stitched Frank’s shoulder quickly.
“Do you want to borrow a shirt? Yours is covered in blood and I don’t want my couch to keep smelling like blood.”
Frank just nodded his head slightly.
Matt went to wash his hands and to get the shirt, Frank was once again alone. He unconsciously realized he started to cover his scars. Christ. He lowered his arm again, letting the air coming from somewhere in the apartment hit his chest. He tried relaxing as best as he could as he heard Red coming back.
Murdock just threw the shirt over at Frank and he just replied with a quiet thanks while putting on the shirt. Matt sat on the couch in front of him. He could sense that Frank wanted to say something about the whole situation but couldn’t mutter the words to come out of his mouth just yet.
“You know, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want Frank,” Matt said with a tone that made Frank want to punch him in the face. How could he still be so comprehensive to the man that he had once fought against?
“I want to, I just feel like having a couple of beers over this wouldn’t hurt.”
Red just chuckled standing up and going to grab two beers from his fridge. Matt gave one to Frank and kept the other one to himself. He could sense that Frank was still anxious to talk about this with him, so he didn’t push much, just took a sip of his beer and waited for Frank to finally speak.
“Christ, this is some horrible beer, Red.”
“Haven’t had any complaints.”
“That’s because you only drink with your buddy Nelson,” Frank replied, making Matt laugh at that.
“You know,” Frank started, “I always knew that I was a man. It wasn’t a thing I realized or that I made up. I just knew it. But I couldn’t do anything about it, I remember always hearing my Dad say something about being daddy's… daddy’s little girl. How I needed to stop playing with other boys and act like a proper lady. It messed me up for a long time because how could I disappoint my old catholic immigrant parents by being myself?
After that I joined to be a marine, it was to prove to my old man that I could do things other men could do. I learned how to shoot a gun and other stuff and that’s when I finally decided to change my name, started to transition. Around that same time, I met Maria. I remember that she was the one that came up to me and I had never felt more like myself as I was around her, Red. God, it was as if I had finally found myself after being lost.” Frank licked his lips trying not to duel too much in the past. “We couldn’t technically get married, but when we did it meant something to us. Then we decided to have Lisa and after that Frank Jr. Right around the time I came back to them for the last time, Maria had told me I could change all my papers so that I could have that little stupid “M” in them. I had never felt so happy in my life, Red. It was just perfect as if things were going to start going well for us.” Frank just got quiet while taking another long sip of his beer.
“Clearly they didn’t, I came back and Maria told me that she wanted to legally marry me. I had been so happy even though all the tiredness I was feeling, I just wanted to have them with me. I remember how happy I was that day at the park. Bill had shown up and it just felt as I was taking my life back. As if I had finally left the violent life behind, the one that Maria and the kids knew I could never truly leave.”
“But it started a war instead,” Red jumped in to say. Frank said nothing to that.
They both let the silence sit for a while before Frank started again. “Is not a thing I go around announcing either, about… about being trans. If the person knows well, they know. Just how Karen figured it out or how you told me the other day at the roof,” Frank finally confessed playing with his hands and anxiously bouncing his leg up and down.
“Thank you for telling me, Frank,” Matt said honestly.
“Whatever, Red,” Frank said, trying to let the issue finally slide. Staying like that for a while drinking their beers Matt decisively got the nerve to ask Frank the question that had been eating him up since the chat on the roof.
“Can I ask why you acted as if you owed me to be more manly?”
And the other shoe had to drop. He could tell by the skip Frank’s heart did that it was something he hoped Matt didn’t bring up. But of course Red would bring that up, that son of a bitch couldn’t let a single thing slide by him. Frank licked his lips and shifted to get more comfortable.
“There’s always been a difference between you and me, Red. Not just about what we do. Now you know it, there’s not much there for me to explain to you,” Frank said, drinking the last of his beer.
“I don’t think we are that different, Frank.”
Frank just scoffed at that, “Really Red? You have to be shitting me.”
Either Red wanted to believe him or not, there was a difference between, aside from morals.
“What, Frank? Just because you weren’t born a man there is suddenly this big difference between the two of us? Don’t be a bitch about this, Frank. Just be honest for once.”
Wasn’t that the whole deal? Honesty. Searching for his own acceptance as Karen has said indirectly to him the other day with her glare. He wanted to leave, to just run away and try pretending to be dead once again. But that trick could only work once, now he had more people that he cared about to take care of and that people cared about him too.
“It’s not something you start a conversation with, Red. Especially not with other cis men, it’s more about…” He trailed off not knowing exactly how to continue this conversation with the other man.
“About keeping appearances?”
Frank nodded, it was all that. Keeping the appearance of the Big Bad Punisher clean. As if people would respect him more if they thought of him as cisgender, he killed people every day, Jesus Christ. Still, it was an obligation for him, to act tougher, manlier as if to show that he was a real man, not just some fiction he made up in his mind when he was younger.
He was a 40-year-old man that had gone to war to come back to live another war, had killed the man he had considered his brother, and had buried his entire family. But he couldn’t be honest about being trans, not even with his family around. Things change especially when you have people more stubborn than you around you.
“It's not like you’re going to get it, Red. Cis people don’t tend to understand anyway.”
“Who told you I was cis?” Murdock asked as if it was the most casual thing to just drop on the guy that was having a crisis over his gender identity.
“What the fuck are you talking about, Matt?”
Frank never called him Matt, it must have meant that this had caught him off guard. Which was what Matt intended to, to just casually mention that maybe he wasn’t as cisgender as he appeared to be.
“I’m still trying to figure it out, I haven’t even told Foggy yet,” Matt added softly.
Fucking hell, Matt had trusted Frank enough to be the first one to confess that maybe he wasn’t so cisgender as the world thought.
“Well, Murdock, it is never too late to figure it out.”
And with that, they knew the conversation was over. For now.
—
Once Frank has rested enough at Red’s place. He got back to where he and Karen lived. A small apartment, not very far from Murdock’s apartment.
She was asleep when he came back, knowing not to wait that long awake when Frank went out patrolling or in the mood to kill a few gang members.
He got changed and slipped into the bed next to her sleeping body. Frank placed a soft kiss on top of Karen’s forehead and let the comfort of her presence lull him to sleep.
When he woke up, Karen was already staring up at him. As she had sensed that Frank had been honest about himself for once given that he had gone to sleep without a shirt. Not a common occurrence around her.
She just stared at him with a proudness in her eyes. She lifted herself slowly to place a quick kiss on his lips. Frank could only smile at her. Karen had never given up on him, and he wasn’t about to let her down with his own fears.
She reached a hand slowly to his chest as if asking for permission. Frank nodded, and he shivered slightly as her soft hands ran over his scars. Karen placed two soft kisses on each of them.
Frank pulled her close to him, and let his head rest on top of hers. Maybe being honest about himself wouldn’t be a bad thing.