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Himejima didn’t say anything as you wordlessly joined him on his walk to a nearby shrine.
You’d been stuck at headquarters for over a month now, first to care for Obanai and then you’d been asked to help care for Oyakata-sama. Obviously, you’d agreed, but you were beginning to feel a little static doing the same thing everyday for weeks. You were used to the constantly changing faces of Butterfly Estate. You hadn’t even been able to see Muichiro since you’d patched him up the day before coming to headquarters with Obanai.
Himejima finally spoke once you were both kneeling at the foot of the shrine.
“It’s been a very long time since you’ve returned to headquarters,” he said. He didn’t look in your direction, just staring unseeingly at the statue in front of you.
“It has,” you agreed. “I’ve been busy at Butterfly Estate. You Hashira keep my schedule full, Himejima-san.”
Himejima smiled softly. “Yes, we do, don’t we?”
A comfortable silence fell for a few minutes before Himejima spoke up again.
“A few of our rank believe you’re avoiding them,” Himejima said.
“I only ever avoid Shinazugawa and Uzui, Himejima-san,” you said. “I’d never avoid the rest of you. You know that, Himejima-san.”
You playfully nudged his giant arm.
“ I know that, young L/n,” Himejima said. “The others don’t.”
“Please, Himejima-san, we’re only a few years apart in age,” you said.
“If you insist on speaking so respectfully to me, I can only be respectful in return, young L/n,” he said.
“I don’t know what is wrong with you Hashira,” you teased. “I’m only Kinoe, of course I would speak to my superiors respectfully.”
“You rank lower by choice,” the giant reminded you. “We Hashira see you as one of us, of course.”
“I wish you didn’t,” you said, honestly. “I might technically be Hashira standard but I’m undeserving of the title. And I can think of a few who would disagree with you, Himejima-san.”
“Even Tengen and Sanemi have a very healthy amount of respect for you, young L/n,” Himejima said. “I only wish you saw yourself as highly as we do.”
“I heard you took to training Shinazugawa’s younger brother,” you said, changing the subject. You wouldn’t be able to change Himejima’s mind and vice versa. “Genya, isn’t it? He went through Final Selection with Tsuyuri and the Kamado boy.”
“Mm, yes,” Himejima hummed. “He’s quite talented with a blade. Reminds me of a tsuguko I had a few years ago.”
Your cheeks heated up. “Genya must be far more talented than I was. I’ve heard many good things about him from others. He’s always been very polite when I treat him, if not a little bashful.”
“He could be a suitable Hashira one day,” Himejima said.
“Does he… suffer from the same affliction as our Wind Hashira?” You asked hesitantly. Few ever mentioned the older Shinazugawa’s marechi blood. It was a very hushed secret amongst a few higher ranking, older demon slayers and the Hashira.
“No, blessedly,” Himejima said. “Genya, however, does have a… an affliction , as you would say. Much more guarded than Sanemi’s. Only a handful knows of it, myself included.”
You nodded. “Those Shinazugawas seem to be cursed with afflictions.”
Himejima nodded. The telltale tears of his emotions started streaming down his cheeks.
“It’s quite heart wrenching to witness the Shinazugawas suffer as they do,” he said. “Genya, poor soul, it’s absolutely distraught, the things he does.”
You waited for him to continue.
“I should think it alright to enlighten you,” Himejima said. “Young Genya speaks very highly of the healer who treats him with so much kindness. He’s known so very little of it.”
“I’ve heard of a bit of his past,” you said. “I truly feel for the Shinazugawas, even though the elder and I don’t see eye to eye most of the time.”
“Genya gains power from eating demon flesh,” Himejima said with a new rush of tears.
You flinched back. Eating demon flesh? Out of everything you’d been prepared to hear, that wasn’t even on the list. You’d never heard of anyone , human or otherwise, eating demons. The closest thing you could even compare it to was Muzan feeding demons his own blood, and even that seemed light years away.
“Demon flesh?” You questioned. “Surely not, Himejima-san. I can’t even begin to think of what Oyakata-sama would even do in that case. Surely he knows.”
“Of course Oyakata-sama knows, young L/n,” Himejima said. “He, Amane-sama, Sanemi, and I are the only ones who know. And you know now, as well.”
“Goodness,” you breathed. “I can’t imagine having to do that.”
“It’s horrible,” Himejima said. “Would you mind walking me back to my quarters, young L/n?”
You knew the blind man needed no escort anywhere with his other superior senses, but you always supposed that sometimes he just liked having someone accompany him just for companionship.
“Of course, Himejima-san,” you said. You rose from the ground, placing your arm around his forearm once he stood.
You strolled leisurely through the wisteria that surrounded headquarters, appreciating the familiar sight as if it were your first time seeing it.
“I hear your Flame Hashira is returning today,” Himejima said. Your cheeks burned.
“Rengoku-san is not mine , Himejima-san,” you said, flustered by his words. “Rengoku-san and I are childhood friends, nothing more.”
“Hm,” he hummed. “I suppose you would say the same of your Serpent Hashira.”
You sputtered. “I- Himejima-san! - Obanai and I- Iguro-san and I are- we’re just- we’re not!”
Himejima smiled widely.
“You sound flustered, young L/n,” he teased lightly. “And you even referred to him casually. You certainly don’t refer to the rest of us as familiarly. I wonder why that is, young L/n.”
“ Iguro -san and I are just close friends, Himejima-san,” you insisted. “I am friends with all the Hashira, excluding Shinazugawa and Uzui. Are you going to accuse me of being involved with Muichiro or Kanroji-san next? You know, we’re quite friendly as well, Himejima-san. Who’s to say it’s not you I have my eye on?”
“In all our years of knowing each other and working together, you’ve never once referred to me as Gyomei or anything less than Himejima-san. For a time, you even called me Himejima-sama,” Himejima said. “I’ve never heard you refer to any other Hashira, Muichiro aside, as casually as you refer to Obanai.”
“We have a very special bond, Iguro-san and I,” you said reluctantly. “He trusts me enough to reveal himself and I trust him more than my own mother. We have a… connection .”
“I wonder how Kyoujuro feels about that, young L/n,” Himejima said.
“My bond with Iguro-san is no one’s business but ours,” you said firmly. “Rengoku-san is my oldest friend and one of my dearest. Kyou- Rengoku -san and I share a bond very different from the bond Iguro-san and I share. He would understand that I value them both equally, even if it’s not exactly the same way.”
“And of course, there’s Giyuu,” Himejima mused.
You groaned. Of course he would mention Giyuu.
“Whatever Tomioka-san and I had in the past, before he was a Hashira, has no bearings on any current relationship I may or may not have,” you said firmly. “Himejima-san, are you implying all the Hashira are in love with me? Truly, I’m flattered, but I must regretfully renounce all the Hashira’s feelings for me. I’m unfortunately in a committed relationship with my work and it’s becoming quite serious.”
“You appear quite defensive , young L/n,” he said, smiling. “Especially if you’re just close friends with Kyoujuro and Obanai like you keep insisting. It’s almost like you have some affection for them, but I know that’s not the case, as you keep reiterating.”
Your cheeks heated up again. “You’re as bad as Muichiro,” you grumbled. “It doesn’t matter what I feel for either Hashira. Whether or not I feel affection for them is not what I’m arguing. Of course I feel something for Rengoku-san and Iguro-san. I’m human, no matter what anyone believes. I fall in love with people just like everyone else. I have feelings for people the same as you.”
“Very poetic, young L/n,” Himejima said. “However, I said nothing about you being in love with any of the Hashira.”
Your eyes widened. You’d walked right into his trap like a newborn fawn.
“I’m not in love with anyone!” You exclaimed defensively. “Especially not Rengoku-san or Iguro-san!”
You heard a crunch a few feet off the trail you and the Stone Hashira were walking along. When you looked, you saw the tail of a pinstriped haori disappearing behind the Serpent Hashira into a cloud of wisteria petals.
Himejima froze in his step.
“I believe Obanai heard you,” he said. His tears started pouring again as you watched Iguro disappear.
“Yes, I believe he did,” you said hollowly.
“I can make my own way back to my quarters from here, Y/n,” he said. You dropped his arm.
“Thank you, Gyomei,” you called before disappearing after Obanai.
Damn him and his Hashira speed! Obanai was probably already a mile away and it had been a long time since you'd run like a Hashira. This game of cat and mouse would only end once one of you finally ran out of stamina, which, with your similar intensive training, would probably be a while.
You sprinted after him as fast as you could, both of you rivalling a demon’s unnatural speed. You pushed yourself harder, focusing on Total Concentration Breathing as you forced your legs to move faster. People often said Obanai was one of the weakest Hashira, but even a weak lion was still a lion. You could tell you were on the brink of losing him and you tried to explain to your body how vital it was to go faster.
“Obanai!” You called. “Obanai, please!”
The Serpent Hashira didn’t respond and if anything, went even faster. You’d never be able to catch him like this.
“Obanai! Please just let me talk!” You cried.
“Why should I?” He yelled back. Despite his words, you could tell he’d slowed down, even just a little.
You forced your body to try harder, eventually getting close enough to Obanai to see him.
As soon as you were close enough, you dove towards him. You could’ve cried when you managed to wrap your hand around his ankle, sending him tumbling to the ground. Before Obanai could gather himself and start running again, you were on top of him, straddling his hips and holding his arms out beside his head.
“Let me go! I’m your superior!” He spat. Kaburamaru was obviously furious, both at you and about falling, and he was hissing and snapping at you. Even so, his venomous fangs never came near you.
“No, you’re going to let me speak, Obanai,” you said adamantly.
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say,” he hissed through his bandages.
“I didn’t ask and I don’t care,” you said. You were determined to explain your words to him, and nothing he said would keep you from doing so.
“It doesn’t even matter,” Obanai said. “I’m not surprised at this revelation. It’s almost laughable at how predictable this was.”
“ Shut up and listen to me,” you seethed. “I don’t want to hear your self-deprecating words. It makes me sick when you say them.”
Obanai didn’t speak, but he let out a low whistle that called Kaburamaru off of snapping at you.
“Speak quickly or I’ll set him on you again,” Obanai threatened.
“You didn’t set him on me the first time,” you said. “He was angry that I upset you and then made you both fall.”
You sighed and continued.
“I didn’t know you were nearby,” you said.
“Oh, thank you for sparing my feelings. Truly, you shouldn’t feel the need to apologise to me. I was stupid to convince myself that you were different and that you loved me despite being tainted as I am. It was foolish to think I was worthy of any of your feelings,” Obanai snapped.
You grabbed his bandages, ripping them off his face and pushing them down around his neck.
“I’m sorry I ever made you look upon my face,” he said. “I know I must disgust you.”
You cupped his cheeks.
“You could never disgust me, Obanai,” you said softly.
He scoffed. “Don’t lie to me. If I deserve nothing else, I deserve your honesty at the least.”
Kaburamaru hissed as your thumbs ran along his scars.
“Don’t touch me like that.”
His voice was soft, pleading. Like he thought you were just toying with him.
“Like what?” You asked.
“Like you care for me. Like you love me,” he said. “I can’t bear it.”
“I do care for you, Obanai,” you murmured. “I care for you so much it hurts me when you hate yourself.”
“You’re being malicious. It’s demonic how well you lie. I almost believe you.”
“I wish you would,” you said. “It’s absolutely agonising that you don’t.”
“Just feed me some bullshit story about how you actually do love me, just not the way I do you,” Obanai said. “And then let me go so we can never speak again.”
Your heart thudded painfully in your chest. It took you nearly a full minute to organise your thoughts enough to speak.
“I thought you loved Kanroji-san,” you said.
“Not how I love you. Not how you love Rengoku.”
You smiled sadly. “You always were too perceptive for your own good.”
“Then end my misery and just tell me, damn it,” he said.
Your eyes watered and you swallowed your tears thickly.
“I do love you, Obanai,” you confessed.
“But not how you love him.”
You shook your head as your tears spilled over.
“It could’ve been you. It could’ve so easily been you,” you said. A tear landed on Obanai’s cheek. And another and another until it looked like he was the one crying.
“I’m sorry for crying all over you, shit,” you said. You rolled off of him, sitting on the ground and hugging your knees to your chest and resting your chin on them. Iguro sat up and you both stared into the distance.
“I’d change it if I could, just so I wouldn’t have to hurt you,” you said. “But it’s him. It’s always been him.”
“I know that,” Obanai said. “Everyone does. It’s how you look at him, how he looks at you. Even Himejima can see it.”
You fought against the urge to sob.
“I wish it was me, though.”
You failed.
Your whole body shook as you sobbed loudly, burying your face in your knees. Obanai kneeled in front of you, unfolding your body until he could pull you into his chest.
“It’s not fair!” You cried. “It’s not fair that I have to hurt someone I love! Whoever I pick, it’s going to hurt the other and I can’t stand it! I love you, Obanai, I’d put everything I have on the line to prove it. I love you more than anyone.”
“Except him.”
“I could learn to love you more,” you said.
Your lie didn’t sound believable to either of you.
“I’ll accept that I’ve lost you one day. Don’t worry about me and don’t try to convince yourself that you love me more,” he said, resting his chin on the top of your head.
“I want to love you like I love him.”
Obanai’s arms tightened around you and everything just felt so right about being tucked against his chest. Everything was fucking perfect .
Except Obanai wasn’t Kyoujuro.
He wasn’t as warm, wasn’t as big, wasn’t as encapsulating as the Flame Hashira you’d loved since you could walk.
“It feels almost perfect, doesn’t it?” Obanai asked, as if he’d read your thoughts.
You wrapped your arms around him, burying yourself deeper in his hold.
“It could be enough for me,” you said, voice muffled in his uniform top. “ You could be enough.”
“I don’t want to be just enough for you,” he said. “I don’t want to be your second choice, your replacement for who you really want. I couldn’t live with myself knowing you were mine and you still wanted him. It wouldn’t be fair to any of us.”
You pulled away from him and stood up. “None of this is fucking fair for anyone involved. If I got with Kyoujuro, I’d hate myself for picking him over you. If I got with you, I’d hate myself for picking you over him. If I chose to be alone, I’d hate myself for picking me over either of you. In exactly zero situations, I end up happy. Not a single fucking thing about any of this is fair!” You threw your head back, looking up at the gods who produced the tragedy that was your life. “Fuck you!”
“Then let me choose,” Obanai said, standing up to face you. You looked at him. “That way you don’t have to.”
You shook your head, already feeling fresh tears forming.
“Please don’t.”
“Choose him.”
You choked. “I can’t,” you whimpered. “I can’t do that to you.”
Obanai smiled at you sadly. “You’re not. I’m doing it to myself. I’m not going to pursue you and I won’t accept your feelings for me. So choose him and be happy. If you really love me—,” Obanai paused and cleared his throat. “If you really love me, you’ll be happy with him. Forget any feelings you ever had for me. Forget that you loved me and forget that I love you.”
New tears rolled down your cheeks. You stepped up to Obanai, so close your chest touched his.
“If I’m choosing Kyoujuro after this, can I try one thing before I forget everything?” You asked.
Obanai nodded.
One of your hands came up, cupping his cheek. He relaxed under your touch.
“I just want to do this at least once before I choose him,” you mumbled, leaning your forehead against his. You closed your eyes, savouring every second of loving Obanai you could.
You took a deep breath before you pressed your lips against his.
You melted into each other, arms slipping around the other just to hold on to it for a little longer.
It was soft. It was gentle. It was perfect.
And it hurt . Like a thousand poisoned blades stabbing into your heart all at the same time.
“I couldn’t let you go without that,” you breathed once you pulled back. Obanai rested his forehead against yours, yellow and blue eyes staring straight to your soul.
“Let me go.”
You couldn’t bring yourself to move as Obanai pulled away from you and left you in the wisteria.
You watched him disappear, heart breaking with each step he took.
You stood there frozen until you heard someone call your name.
Himejima’s giant frame broke through wisteria, sending a wave of pale purple petals washing over you. One of the flowers drifted down, landing in your open palm.
“What happened?” Himejima asked, sensing you.
You stared at the delicate flower in your hand.
“Y/n?” Himejima asked.
“Obanai made the choice for me,” you said quietly, still looking at the flower.
“It’s Kyoujuro.”
You nodded despite knowing he couldn’t see you.
“It’s always Kyoujuro.”
You both stayed silent as you walked towards headquarters.
You didn’t tell Himejima about how you’d left part of yourself back among the wisteria, back where you suspected Obanai had left part of himself as well.
You walked Himejima to his quarters before returning to your own.
You sat the wisteria blossom on the windowsill and looked out of the glass.
In the distance, you could see a familiar flame-covered haori coming towards you. Your heart thumped against your ribs.
You looked down at the wisteria.
It had always been Kyoujuro. It would always be Kyoujuro.
But there was a spot deep in the wisteria where it would always be Obanai.