Chapter Text
Izzy gets called in for another meeting with Stede a few days later. He’s pacing the captain’s cabin restlessly, looking perplexed. Lucius is there, hand poised, ready to take notes. He gives Izzy a smile so smug and knowing that Izzy almost breaks his newly self-imposed don’t kill Lucius rule.
‘You wanted to see me?’ Izzy specifically does not tack on the word captain. Lucius’ smirk gets wider. Izzy wonders if he could get away with punching Lucius.
‘I’ve received more complaints,’ Stede says. He opens his mouth as if to say more, but then closes it again.
‘Over fucking what?’ Izzy asks, outraged. ‘What the fuck do these layabouts have to be complaining about? I’m doing what you said! I’m being nicer! I didn’t threaten anyone, even when I wanted to!’
‘Yes, I know, and I’m very proud of you for doing that, even if it was hard for you,’ Stede says, and even though it feels patronising, Izzy is still pleased by the praise. He does not look at Lucius; whatever fucking expression is on his face will be enough for Izzy to snap. ‘But, well, the crew don’t like it. I received complaints about the fact that I asked you to be nicer to the crew.’
‘They were really upset about it,’ Lucius adds. ‘They thought he was dying. Fang cried.’
Stede looks perturbed. ‘I suppose there’s going to be a period of adjustment; it’s always a shock when someone changes their behaviour so completely. If we give them time, they should settle.’
‘Or I could go back to normal,’ Izzy suggests, hopeful.
‘No, no,’ Stede frowns. ‘We just have to stick with it. Maybe they just weren’t expecting it. I think it’s time for us to bring the seven habits—’
‘It’s five—’
‘Five—’ Izzy is disgusted with himself for speaking at the same time as Lucius and, even worse, agreeing with him. ‘Fuck you, Mister Spriggs, it’s seven.’
‘Or you could reframe that as a suggestion, Izzy,’ Lucius says primly.
‘I suggest that you go fuck yourself—’
‘Izzy!’ Stede looks appalled. ‘Come on now, you’ve been doing so well.’
Izzy seethes but doesn’t say anything further. Lucius gives him another knowing smirk when Stede’s back is turned.
‘As I was saying, I think it’s time to bring the habits to the crew. You two are our resident experts, and I was hoping that the two of you would be willing to help me with a little demonstration. I could read out the habits and you two could act them out, give the crew an example to follow.’
Every day, Izzy regrets not killing Stede Bonnet when he had the chance.
Stede calls the meeting almost immediately; Izzy and Lucius stand beside him while the rest of the crew gathers. Even Ed is there, sitting on a barrel and watching curiously. This is already possibly the worst day of Izzy’s life.
‘I thought we might use this chance to have a bit of a talk,’ Stede says. ‘You may have noticed some changes in our first mate—’
‘Oh God, he’s actually dying?!’
‘I knew it—’
‘Oh, Fang, no, don’t cry—’
‘No one is dying!’ Stede shouts above the general chatter. ‘Izzy is fine!’
‘Oh, good,’ Pete says. ‘We were kinda hoping to kill him ourselves. No offence, Izzy.’
‘It’s entirely mutual,’ Izzy replies. ‘If I had my way, half of you would be fucking dead by now.’
It is not a particularly surprising revelation. There are a few shrugs from the crowd. Roach and Wee John are nodding. Frenchie says, ‘Yeah, that’s fair.’
Stede, however, looks horrified. ‘Izzy! That’s exactly the kind of thing we’re trying to avoid on this ship! We can’t have you going about and – and threatening to kill the crew!’
‘He’s been doing that the whole time, though,’ Lucius says.
‘Yeah,’ Oluwande agrees from the crowd. ‘That’s, like, just how Izzy is.’
‘It’s not really an issue,’ Jim says. There are a few nods from the crowd. Izzy, again, feels like he’s losing his mind.
‘We have a schedule,’ the Swede says. ‘We all take turns, so he has someone new to yell at every day.’
‘Hold on,’ Izzy says, ‘you people have a fucking schedule? Are you shit at your jobs on purpose so that I can yell at you?’
‘A little bit,’ Roach says.
‘You just look so happy when you get to yell at someone,’ Fang adds.
‘Captain reads us stories and lets us do things for fun,’ Wee John says. ‘We need to make sure you’re having fun too.’
Izzy is stunned into silence. He thought he was scary and intimidating because they needed it, and because that’s how first mates should be. But instead, apparently, they’d taken his tantrums in stride and even developed a roster for him. Because they think he has fun yelling at them. Because they think he deserves to have fun, even if his idea of a good time isn’t arts and crafts or communal storytelling.
It’s so fucking considerate. He wants to scream.
‘Great, case closed,’ Izzy says. ‘I’m fine, they’re fine, can we go back to work now?’
‘No!’ Stede looks unhappy. ‘No one should be having fun while being mean to others! That’s not how we do things here! Izzy has kindly been demonstrating the seven habits that we’re all going to follow, and we are going to abide by them!’
‘But we don’t want Izzy to act different—’
Stede ignores Ivan’s comment and reads out the list. ‘Now, I’ve called them habits rather than rules because being kind is a habit. It’s a muscle that you have to train, and it may be strange or uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. Izzy and Lucius will demonstrate each habit for you. Does anyone have any immediate questions, before we begin?’
Buttons raises his hand. ‘Ye said there’s seven habits, Cap’n. That’s only five.’
If Izzy had a dollar for every time someone pointed that out, he’d have enough money to buy his own ship and finally get the fuck away from Stede Bonnet and his merry band of lunatics.
‘Yes, I know that,’ Stede bristles. ‘It’s a work in progress. I thought we could come up with the final two habits together, as a team.’
‘Five is already kind of a lot,’ Wee John says.
‘None of us can read,’ Oluwande says. ‘How are we supposed to remember them all?’
‘Through practice! We can worry about the final two later once you’ve all had some time to get used to it. Izzy and Lucius here are going to demonstrate the five habits we already have. Once I feel like we’ve all got those down pat, we’ll reconvene and talk about the remaining two. Sound good?’
No one looks particularly enthused. There are a few shrugs and noncommittal murmurs that Stede clearly takes as assent. Izzy and Lucius take their places.
‘Right, habit one: we talk it through as a crew.’ Stede reads aloud. ‘We’ve already had some experience with this one, but let’s see Lucius and Izzy give it a try anyway.’
‘Oh no,’ Lucius reads flatly. Izzy wishes he knew how to read so that he could have a script to follow, too. ‘First mate Hands, I accidentally threw my broom overboard.’
‘Mister Spriggs, that makes me feel…’
Sad, Lucius mouths at him.
‘Sad,’ Izzy finishes awkwardly. ‘I am sad that you can’t do your chores.’
‘Making you sad makes me feel sad,’ Lucius shuts his book and looks back at Stede.
‘Excellent,’ Stede says, looking proud. Izzy chances a look at the assembled crew – they all look bored and disinterested. Ed’s expression is as unreadable as always. Izzy would much prefer it if he wasn’t here to watch this farce unfold, but Izzy has learned that what he wants versus what he has to deal with are two very, very different things. ‘Do you see how they were able to express their feelings to each other without yelling or resorting to violence?’
‘But that’s the fun part,’ Roach complains.
‘That’s what I said—’ Izzy says, surprised to find himself on the side of the crew.
‘Habit two,’ Stede says loudly, ‘is to be positive. Reframe criticism as a suggestion.’
‘First mate Hands,’ Lucius reads from the script, ‘I have a suggestion. Instead of threatening me with bodily harm every time we cross paths, I would suggest that you instead say hello.’
‘Thank you for your positive feedback,’ Izzy recites. Ivan yawns loudly.
Izzy has done a lot of humiliating things in his line of work, and yet, this is somehow the worst. Standing here, in full view of the entire crew, awkwardly reciting stilted dialogue while everyone present protests the changes is strangely embarrassing. It’s made worse by the knowledge that the habits are specifically targeted at him; these rules aren’t to keep the crew in line, they’re to keep him in line. Maybe next time Stede invites him for a sleepover, he’ll take one of those stupid, fluffy pillows and smother him to death. Ed, too, for all the good he’s doing Izzy right now.
‘Habit three, incentivise. If you want someone to do something for you, it’s good to offer something in return.’
‘If we do all our duties by midday, can the reward be that we don’t have to listen to any more of this?’ Wee John calls.
There’s quiet laughter among the assembled crew. Ed, from his perch, is starting to look annoyed. Izzy is tempted, for a moment, to step in – mitigate the argument that’s likely about to unfold. But he’s not feeling particularly charitable. Let Stede flounder. Let Ed learn that the rest of them are here to work, not indulge Stede’s every whim.
‘Yes, excellent example!’ Stede recovers. ‘Next one: seek to understand and be understood. It’s important to have empathy for those around you, and to be sensitive to their needs.’
Izzy supposes that this rule must apply to everyone except Stede Bonnet. He and Lucius are clearly uncomfortable, none of the crew want to be here – in fact, the crew have actively communicated that they don’t have a problem with Izzy. Only Stede does. He clearly doesn’t fit into Stede’s magical fantasy land that he lives in, where pirates are friendly and empathetic and kind, and everyone behaves exactly how Stede wants them to.
He'd almost gotten Izzy, too – almost successfully brainwashed him, with his unnecessary luxuries and tea and soft smiles. Izzy had let his guard down, and now where is he? Acting out a fucking workplace roleplay while his supposed captain undermines him as a person and as a first mate, broadcasting to the entire crew that the way he acts is wrong. That he doesn’t fit here. Clearly, the attempts at getting to know each other had not been a genuine attempt on Stede’s part to find a middle ground with Izzy: it had been designed to try and change him, the way he’d changed Ed. The difference is that Izzy fucking refuses – Ed may be soft, and weak, and willing to let Stede change him, but Izzy isn’t. He refuses to cut himself down into nice, friendly pieces just to make Stede fucking Bonnet happy.
‘Fuck this, actually,’ Izzy announces, midway through Stede’s lecture about habit four. ‘I’ve had enough of this shit. This – this is demeaning. Mister Spriggs and I don’t want to be here, the crew have openly fucking said they don’t want to be here—’
‘It’s important for everyone to learn how to communicate better,’ Stede says, looking frustrated. It enrages Izzy further.
‘Bullshit,’ Izzy snaps. ‘What you mean is that I need to learn how to communicate the way you fucking want me to. This shit started because you got complaints about me. Not anyone else.’
‘Yes, but I—’
‘And then!’ Izzy continues, fuming, ‘I followed your stupid fucking rules anyway! I changed how I act, and the crew hated it, and yet you’re subjecting us to this fucking nonsense anyway because you think you know better than us—’
‘Now, that’s not very fair—’
‘No, it’s not fucking fair!’ Izzy snarls. Distantly, he’s aware of the fact that he’s actively disrespecting his captain in front of the crew, in front of Ed. He’s aware that later he’ll be embarrassed over showing this much emotion in front of everyone. But he’s furious, and hurt, and humiliated. ‘You act like we’re a bunch of feral fucking animals that you have to fix – it’s not enough for us to be as we are, because we’re not fucking civilised enough for you. Nevermind that you’re the one who fucked off to become a fucking pirate! We’re fucking people, Bonnet. We’re not toys that you can dress up and order about because we don’t fit in your tidy, perfect little fucking world. If you wanted civil behaviour, you should’ve fucking stayed in civil society.’
‘Izzy—’ Ed starts. He’s still seated, and he doesn’t look angry the way he normally does when someone isn’t humouring Stede. But Izzy can’t bear to hear whatever he’s about to say – captain or not, if Ed defends Stede right now, he will well and truly lose it.
‘Fuck both of you,’ he snarls instead, knowing Ed will make him regret it later. There’s quiet whispers from the crew. Lucius looks shocked. Izzy can’t bear to look at Ed or Stede.
Instead, he turns his back on all of them and heads back to his room to sulk.
There’s a soft knock on his door sometime later. Izzy doesn’t bother to respond; Ed would’ve barged in without knocking, and he doubts Stede is going to come looking for him now. Even if he does, the last thing Izzy wants to do is talk to him.
The pyjamas that Izzy had left carefully folded on his hammock have been tossed across the room and left in a crumpled heap on the floor. He hopes that the dirt on the floor gets worked into the soft, delicate cream fabric and ruins it. He hopes Stede never gets the creases out. Maybe next time he’s on deck he’ll throw them overboard, just to see Stede upset. With any luck he’ll die from shock over his ridiculously fancy fabrics being mistreated like that, let Izzy have a good fucking day for once.
The knock comes again. Izzy ignores it.
The door opens. Izzy is surprised enough to see Lucius slip into the room that he forgets to be angry about it.
‘I come in peace,’ Lucius says, hands held up in surrender. ‘I just wanted to check on you. That was a lot, out there.’
Izzy scoffs. ‘I’m not interested in having a fucking heart-to-heart just because I finally put Bonnet in his place.’
‘That’s not very habit one of you,’ Lucius’ mouth quirks up.
Izzy groans. ‘If I ever hear the words seven habits again, I’m throwing myself overboard.’
‘I might have to join you,’ Lucius says. He’s inching further into the room, obviously encouraged by the fact that Izzy hasn’t attacked him yet. ‘It was a little humiliating.’
Izzy is, frankly, too tired to deal with him. The anger he’d felt on deck has cooled, melted into a strange mix of emotions that he doesn’t know how to untangle yet. He mainly just feels stupid for allowing himself to almost become Bonnet’s next pet project, for allowing himself to be weak, even for a moment.
‘Now, I’m just going to say something, so please hold the physical violence until I’m done.’ Lucius waits, probably for some kind of objection. Izzy stares at the ceiling and continues cataloguing all the ways Stede Bonnet has ruined his life. ‘You weren’t wrong in what you said, out there. Stede can be a little bossy at times. I think maybe you shocked him a bit with how you chose to communicate your feelings.’
‘Good,’ Izzy mumbles petulantly. ‘Fuck him.’
‘But some of that seemed a bit… personal,’ Lucius continues, as if Izzy hadn’t spoken. ‘The part about being dressed up and ordered about.’
He doesn’t mention the clothes, but he doesn’t have to. Izzy turns his head enough to see Lucius gazing at them meaningfully.
‘Bonnet lives in a magical fairytale world where he gets to do whatever he wants, without consequence,’ Izzy says. ‘He expects us to change who we are, to cater for his delicate sensibilities. I refuse to be the next victim of Bonnet’s fucking rehabilitation program.’
‘That’s fair,’ Lucius says gently. ‘For what it’s worth, the rest of us don’t want you to change. It’d fuck up our schedule for you.’
‘I thought you all hated the big bad first mate,’ Izzy rolls his eyes. ‘Now you’re making a fucking roster to make sure I, what, get all my aggression out each day?’
‘Basically, yeah,’ Lucius replies. ‘You’re all bark and no bite, really. It’s grown on us a bit.’
Izzy has spent his whole life crafting a harsh, unapproachable exterior. He’s cruel, and unpleasant to be around, and he likes it that way. It’s easier to protect himself when he already knows how other people perceive him and how they feel about him. And yet these little freaks have the audacity to like him anyway, to accommodate his unbearable personality and make him part of the crew.
Izzy, to his horror, feels his eyes start to water. He looks back up at the ceiling and prays Lucius didn’t notice. ‘Fuck off, Mister Spriggs.’
‘Oh, yeah, totally. Fucking off now. Thank you for not taking more of my fingers—’
‘Actually, before you go,’ Izzy says, suddenly struck by an idea. He waves a hand in the direction of Stede’s crumpled pyjamas. ‘Return those to Bonnet, will you? If I do it myself I’m likely to put my fist in his fucking face.’
Lucius hesitates. ‘Now, you’re allowed to be upset, but are you sure that’s the right call here? I mean—’
‘Now!’
‘I want you to know I’m only doing this because I feel bad for you,’ Lucius says. ‘I’ll let you know how he reacts.’
‘I don’t give a single fuck how Stede Bonnet feels,’ Izzy scoffs. He tears his eyes away from the ceiling to look at Lucius, hovering in the doorway. The sight of those stupid fucking clothes in Lucius’ hands make him feel strange, and he’s almost tempted to snatch them back. He’s pathetic. A bit of friendliness, and this is what he’s reduced to – being humiliated in front of his crew, getting possessive over things that don’t belong to him.
‘Yes,’ Lucius says softly, ‘I think you do.’
Lucius shuts the door quickly enough to avoid the hip flask that Izzy throws at him.