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Charlie wakes up and the world is grey.
It’s hard to explain to others what a truly bad day is like. The instant weight on your chest, aching and hollow like the heaviest grief. The complete lack of energy through all parts of your limbs. The roaring of silence in your head- interrupted only by the most wicked voices.
It’s truly scary that what happens inside of his head actually effects how he perceives the world around him. Even though the sun’s first rays are shining through Charlie’s curtains, everything looks dull and monotone, painted over with a sheer layer of grey.
For a bit, he considers staying home. Faking sick, begging his dad for day spent at home. But the guilt eats him up inside when he remembers just how many days he missed last year when the bullying reached its peak, and how disappointed his mom seemed. And how Nick would be lonely in form, and at lunch, and Tao and Issac in maths…
He really doesn’t get a choice in the end.
“Charlie! Get up already, will you? You’re going to be late, so stop lazing around,” his mom calls out, knocking heavily on his door. She huffs a sigh when he calls out a vague affirmation, and her fading footsteps register as ‘annoyed’ and ‘frustrated’ in Charlie’s mind.
Getting ready is slow going. He can’t bear to look at himself in the mirror, trying to find his biggest button down that will drape around his figure the most. It doesn’t really matter in the end, as once he’s dressed, it feels like it’s sticking to him like a second skin and exposing every ugly nook and cranny of his body. Charlie forces down the burning in his throat and eyes and finishes up his morning routine in the bathroom.
As his foot reaches the final stair, Tori sweeps out of the kitchen and reaches for her bag.
“We’re going to miss the bus. Are you ready now, or shall I go without you?” Tori asks in her usual flat-but-straight-to-the-point tone.
Charlie considers for a moment. Tori will likely pick up on his mood by the time they’re sat. And while she doesn’t always pry when he’s upset, she still might. And if she doesn’t, she’ll definitely peek at him out of the corner of her eye with that searching, concerned look the whole time… but if he has to wait for the next bus, he’ll certainly miss meeting Nick at the school gates and walking in to class together.
Maybe that’s better, he thinks. Maybe less time with Nick will prevent him from noticing Charlie’s mood too.
“I still need to eat breakfast, so go on ahead. Thanks for waiting,” he replies, finally, with a small self-deprecating smile. Tori’s eyes scan him for a moment and Charlie can’t help but feel like she’s viewing all his insides and inner thoughts.
“Alright then. Have a good day, Charlie.”
Tori leans gently into his side for a moment in a mock-hug, before slipping on her loafers and leaving.
The house rings with silence. His parents have both left by now. He briefly considers heading back upstairs, but remembers that the school will call his parents if he has an unexcused absence. Charlie slowly lowers himself onto the third step from the bottom of the staircase instead.
Distantly, he registers that his stomach begins to grumble, but the muscles quickly contract and make it clear that Charlie will not be eating breakfast today. He sighs and pushes his head against the banister. For the millionth time in his life, he wishes he was normal.
Time passes in a blurry haze, as he watches dust particles float in the morning light, but Charlie eventually snaps out of it and heads out to catch the last bus. He arrives to school 5 seconds before the bell rings. Charlie pulls out his phone for the first time that morning in order to avoid eye contact with anyone.
From: Nick 💕 (7:01 am)
I beat you today! Mum had to go to the post office so she dropped me off early lol. I can’t wait to see you ☺️
From: Nick 💕 (7:15 am)
I know it’s only like 10 more minutes until I get to see you but I don’t think I can wait omg I miss you so much
From: Nick 💕 (7:26 am)
I just saw Tori get off the bus without you…. did you sleep through your alarm again??? lol dork
From: Nick 💕 (7:37 am)
Chaaaarrrrlieeeeee where are youuuuuuuu I’m boredddddd
From: Nick 💕 (7:46 am)
Hey are you okay?? You’re not usually this late Char… are you sick? Are you staying home? Ugh, I should’ve asked Tori when I saw her.
From: Tao-tally lame (7:52 am)
Yo text your man, he’s moping like a rejected puppy by the school gates
From: Nick 💕 (7:58 am)
I have to head in but know I waited till the last second!! I’m assuming you felt poorly and stayed home today and fell back asleep. If I don’t then I’ll start worrying that your bus crashed or you broke your leg on your way out the door lol. Not really lol tho- I hope I didn’t just speak that into existence. Or t ype it into existence? Anyways
From: Nick 💕 (7:59 am)
I hope you’re okay Charlie, please let me know if you are as soon as you can. If you’re home sick, I’ll come by later. I guess I’ll survive somehow without a good morning hug and kiss 😔
The creeping dark emotions inside of him fester further, digging claws into his chest and scraping. Nick waited an entire hour for him and Charlie wasted his time just because he couldn’t get out of his bed and house faster. All because of his stupid brain.
It’s impossible for him to walk into his form classroom now. Everything in his body screams to run away. The bad voices in his head demand for him to stay in his dark mental pit. That something worse will happen if he goes to class. So, he hides in an empty bathroom stall instead. He’ll still be counted as present for the day if he makes it to his second class.
It’s reminiscent of Year 9 again. The hiding, the fear, the guilt. The black hole in his chest consuming and contaminating everything. He sits atop the toilet seat, thankful for the covered lid, pulling his legs up so that any teachers on the hunt for skipping students won’t find him. Another trick he learned last year. Charlie spends the next 45 minutes staring at the bathroom door in silence, dissociating completely from his surroundings. The ringing in his ears is only interrupted a few times by some students visiting the bathroom to actually use it.
Once the next bell rings, signaling for students to leave their form classes and move onto subjects, Charlie finally leaves and blends into the crowd. His head is still fuzzy, but he makes it through his second, third, and fourth period classes before it’s time for lunch. He has nothing packed, but he heads to the art room regardless.
Mr. Ajayi is gone from the room, luckily. He doesn’t think he could pretend to be normal right now. Vaguely, Charlie remembers the teacher warning that he had a meeting during lunch, but that the room was still open to him. As he settles in his familiar corner of tree roots and hard cabinets, he sighs heavily.
He should’ve just stayed home.
Unfortunately for Charlie, his self-inflicted isolation can only last so long. Having a loving boyfriend does prevent that sometimes.
He’s surprised to hear footsteps, and slowly shrinks down in an attempt to hide, but he’s spotted quickly. Nick’s strawberry blonde hair comes into view. For the first time since they met, dread seeps into Charlie’s body when he sees Nick, rather than joy. It’s such an awful and unfamiliar feeling, it brings tears to his eyes.
“Charlie! I was wondering if you were here today or not. Did you get here late?” Nick asks, walking quickly across the room, beautiful face lighting up in his purest and happiest smile.
Once he sees the look on Charlie’s face though, his expression drops. The shining smile turns into a frown, the wrinkles by his eyes smooth out as his brow furrows, and his body language becomes tense. The transition is quick and it sends Charlie into a further spiral because fuck he makes everything worse he’s tainting Nick, Nick who is so beautiful and kind and bright and all Charlie ever does is ruin his life like he ruins everyone else’s and he only brings darkness and sadness and why is he like this-
Tears are pouring down his face before he even realizes it. Nick’s eyes widen as the concern on his face grows. He immediately drops to the ground next to Charlie, reaching out to gently hold his face with both hands.
“Charlie; Char what’s wrong? Are you okay love? Did something happen? Did someone say something to you?” Nick babbles, using his thumbs to wipe the tear tracks from Charlie’s cheeks.
Charlie just whimpers, so full of sadness that he can’t speak, and pushes his head forward until in rests in the crook of Nick’s neck. Nick’s arms instantly pull him in, his arms bracing again Charlie’s back in the way that always grounds him.
He lets Charlie cry for a bit, gently rocking him back and forth in a soothing motion. Nick whispers sweet words of comfort that eventually help bring Charlie out of his hiding spot. His lip is still trembling, and he closes his eyes as Nick gently uses his sleeves to wipe off Charlie’s damp cheeks.
“What’s wrong, baby? Talk to me please,” he asks again. Charlie rubs at his eyes, feeling so young and small.
“I…I’m just having a really bad day. Since I woke up. Just. Everything feels so bad and hopeless. And I’m so sorry I made you wait an hour this morning for nothing. I didn’t mean to waste your time. All I ever do is make things harder on you and I’m so sorry Nick you don’t deserve that, you deserve better than me-“
He’s cut off with a press of lips against his own. As always, Nick pushes all of his feelings into their kiss. Charlie’s mind quiets a bit.
“Look at me Charlie.” Nick says once he’s pulled away.
“You do not make my life harder Char. You make everything so much better and brighter. No one else makes me smile as big, laugh as hard, and feel so cared for as much as you do. I’m not exaggerating when I say that you’re the light of my life. Before I met you, I was just going through the motions, afraid to be different and learn about myself. You, in all your amazingness, have absolutely changed my life for the better. I have never been happier Charlie Spring. And that’s because of you. So don’t say that I deserve ‘more’, because there’s nothing more that I could ever want besides you.”
Nick’s voice grows stronger as he speaks, but it wobbles at the end of his impromptu speech. Charlie feels the same wobbliness in his jaw as more tears start falling.
“And I’m so sorry that you’re having a bad day, love. Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want to go home?”
Nick’s eyes are searching, flickering around to find a hint as to how he should proceed. The earnestness in his expression is overwhelming, and Charlie can barely stand to make eye contact. He sniffles, and grips Nick’s hand in his, tracing the other boy’s skin with his eyes and fingers.
“I’m already here, so I’ll just force myself through it. I have maths next period with Tao and Issac anyways… so hopefully being with them will help a bit. And Nick… you’re so important to me too. I really am happy with you and I’m sor-“
Nick cuts a glance over with a warning look as the word starts to form, and the seriousness startles a giggle out of Charlie. Nick’s face turns fond.
“I just… I don’t want you to think that I don’t appreciate you. Or that I’m taking advantage of your kindness. You just mean a lot to me and I hate feeling like I might have disappointed you. It doesn’t help when the voices in my head try to twist everything to make it seem that way too.”
“Well, I’m always here to put up a fight against the voices. Trust that I’ll tell you if there’s something wrong or if you’ve done anything to upset me. And if there ever is, we’ll just talk about it and move past it. I don’t really think there’s much you could or would do that would disappoint me anyways.”
Charlie smiles, tucking himself closer into Nick’s space.
“I’m still trying to figure out how to handle days like this. Obviously, I’m not doing the best job… but thank you for being here for me. Just being around you makes me feel better sometimes,” Charlie says softly, pulling Nick’s hand up to kiss the back of it. He feels Nick nuzzle at his head in response.
“We’ll figure it out together. Don’t be afraid to come to me, however you’re feeling. I’m always going to be here for you,” Nick replies fondly, pressing a firm kiss to Charlie’s temple.
They spend the rest of lunch in the corner, mostly in silence, but wrapped around one another. Charlie manages to eat a few crackers that Nick brought with his lunch, and blushes when Nick beams with pride.
Nick walks him to maths, leaving him with a hug. Charlie watches through the window as Nick runs into Tao and has a brief conversation with him. Their relationship was still awkward at times but they seemed to have a mutual agreement of protecting Charlie at all costs. Charlie sees Tao nod his head before finding his seat, Issac trailing not far behind him with his eyes glued to his book.
“Your loyal golden retriever tells me that you’re having a bad day. So as your best friend, I’m here to provide comedic relief and a bony shoulder to cry on if needed,” Tao remarks as he pulls his materials out.
“We’re always here if you want to talk,” Issac says in his always-level tone, giving Charlie a brief, but meaningful look.
“Thanks guys, but really I’m fine-“ he cuts off as Tao’s narrowest glare snaps into place.
“None of that. It’s okay to not be fine, Charlie. In all seriousness, I love you and I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly. If you want to put your head down, I’ll make sure to take notes for you to catch up on later. Whatever you need.”
Charlie’s throat closes up, and he’s forced to just nod as tears well up in his eyes again. Tao nods back, pulling his sweatshirt from his lap and folding it to make a pillow shape. He sets in front of Charlie, then firmly pushes his face down into the fabric. Charlie can’t help but let out a watery giggle as he rubs his eyes on the soft material to absorb his tears. Issac pats his head gently as well.
Charlie loses himself in the dark space of his mind, falling into an almost asleep state. Vaguely, he hears a conversation between Tao and their maths teacher, where he manages to spin a wonderful excuse about Charlie having a migraine due to studying too much, and how he didn’t want to expose him to the sunlight that would cause him so much more pain, and would he just let Charlie rest for a bit and maybe he’d feel better? He hears Issac snort softly to himself once their teacher relents under Tao’s intense and verbose explanation.
Somehow, Charlie manages through the rest of his day. The second he steps out of the building, he’s accosted by Nick.
“Char! How are you feeling?” he asks, brown eyes wide and seeking.
“I’m…”
Charlie really considers for a moment. He’d been mindlessly pushing through the day, but was he truly feeling better? The chasm in his chest aches. That’s answer enough.
“Still. Still not great. I wish I could say differently…” he admits, face screwing up. He’d apologize if Nick wouldn’t cut him off.
“That’s alright. Would it help if you came over? Mum’s going to dinner with a friend after work so we’ll have the house to ourselves. We can cuddle and watch a movie? Maybe take Nellie for a walk if you’re up for it later?”
Charlie considers his options. He could either go home alone and marinate in his bad feelings until he probably hurt himself and sink deeper into his depressed state. Or he could spend time with Nick and hopefully start feeling better. But he might make Nick feel burdened with taking care of him, ruining his afternoon, probably interrupting his evening plans and surely Nick has homework to do and-
“I’m going to stop whatever train of thought is making you look so sad. I’d love to spend my afternoon with you Charlie, regardless of how you’re feeling. I want to be with you all the time, not just when you’re happy. You’re not troubling me at all,” Nick says with all the seriousness in the world.
“You’re sure?” Charlie asks in a small voice. He feels the tears start pooling in his waterline again.
“Absolutely. You ready to go then?”
Nick’s smile is small, but so full of emotion that it leaves Charlie breathless. He nods, and they set off for the bus stop.
The ride goes by in a blur, Charlie’s head rested in the crook of Nick’s shoulder. Nick plays with his fingers in the space between them.
When they arrive, they shed their shoes, bags, and coats. Nick pops into the shower as usual when he gets home (always complaining that he feels ‘dirty’ after being at school all day) and leaves Charlie a set of comfy clothes to change into. He slips on the black sweatpants and soft blue sweater, then curls under Nick’s comforter. The scent of Nick permeates his bed, and it comforts Charlie. He picks at the blanket covering him, the silence allowing for his thoughts to start roaring again. The voices telling him that he’s worthless, that he’s selfish to take up everyone else’s time and space, that Nick deserves better than a broken mess like Charlie, that he’d always going to feel this bad and there was no use even trying to feel better.
By the time Nick comes back into his room, Charlie has worked himself up again, tears soaking into the pillow under his head.
“Charlie, love…” Nick whispers softly and sadly.
“F-fuck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I keep breaking down, the voices are just so loud today…” he whimpers, rubbing harshly at his eyes with the sleeves of Nick’s sweater, even though he knows it will make the delicate skin sting.
Charlie feels the bed dip as Nick slides in next to him, laying on his side to face him. Nick pulls him close, turning so that Charlie is laying mostly on his chest, legs tangling together. Charlie nuzzles into the fabric of Nick’s shirt as the tears continue. Nick strokes through his hair, using his other hand to wipe tears off his visible cheek.
“You’re amazing Charlie. So kind and so smart. So talented. I’m jealous at how good you are at so many things. I’m so lucky to have a boyfriend like you. You have the biggest heart and always try to put everyone first. And that means that you put yourself last a lot of the time. But I’m here and I will always put you first, Charlie. It’s an honor to do so. You are so important to me, and I love being with you. Thank you for letting me be with you,” he whispers, tracing his hand up and down Charlie’s back.
“I love being with you, too. Thank you, Nick. You’re the best,” Charlie whispers back through his tight throat.
They cuddle for a long time, even long after Charlie’s tears have dried and his breathing steadies. They cuddle closer and exchange soft, steady kisses, over and over until Charlie’s heart is overflowing with happiness. He has to stop to catch his breath, nosing softly at Nick’s cheek with his eyes closed.
“I love you.”
Nick smiles, leaning forward another centimeter to press their lips together again.
“I love you too.”
Charlie knows that he will still have bad days. Days like today, where no matter what happens, he can’t shake the bad voices and the emptiness in his chest. He will still have to deal with the sadness and the persistent tears. But he has to remind himself that it won’t be forever. And that he has people to help him through those times.
He’s not foolish. Charlie knows that his love for Nick won’t cure his brain. But being pressed close to his favorite person, laughing and cuddling and kissing, helps dial down the intensity of the bad day. Helps quiet the voices a bit.
His love isn’t a cure, but it is definitely a painkiller.