Chapter Text
Futaba Sakura was lying on her bed in her room feeling ill and lonely while wishing she was dead. “I wish I wasn’t so gay,” she said. Alas, her wish would not come true. She was impossibly homosexual. A raging lesbian (still closeted). This was an integral part of her. Being gay and being Futaba Sakura is one and the same.
So, laying on her bed, she was gay and depressed. Gay and depressed are never two things you should be at once because this combo of something-or-other-i-dunno is typically fatal. You would think suicide would be the cause of these fatalities, but this is unso. You see, gay people are forever damned to Gay Hell in the afterlife (as opposed to Straight Heaven) wherein Gay Satan resides. Gay Satan, too, is gay (though not as gay as Futaba, strangely enough). Gay Satan is also just Satan. The one. Lucifer or whatever. I dunno. Yeah, him. So he is a prick. And sometimes he comes up from Gay Hell just to kill gays because he is an evil fuck. He especially hates depressed people. So gay and depressed people are always the prime targets.
Suddenly, an explosion bursts through the wall and Futaba sees sunlight for the first time in a decade. It was Gay Satan! Come to take her soul to Gay Hell where everyone doesn’t have Spotify Premium and pretends to be straight while awkwardly dropping hints that they may not be as straight as they pretend to be because they want to come out but are unsure if all the people who say, “yeah, man. I’m cool with LGBTQA+” are ACTUALLY cool with it because they might not be cool with it if it’s someone they have preconceived notions of, especially if it’s a friend or a family member. Anyway, yeah, Gay Satan is here now.
“Gasp!” said Futaba Sakura. “Man, fuck is wit’ yo shit out here? Blowing up my goddamn wall and shit? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.”
Gay Satan leered as he stepped out from the rubble and hellfire. “Futaba Sakura,” said he, “You have been too gay and too depressed for too long! Now, you must die!”
“Bitchass. Gay Satan-ass motha’fucker. Aint even the gayest ‘round town. Nobody knows this, but i’m the gayest gay the world has ever gayed! My gay is so superior to your gay, you might as well be straight. I be thinkin’ ‘bout kissin’ women on the lips 24/7 365. You feel me? Since the day i was bo’n! How many times yo’ raggedy-ass hoof-cloppin’ rat-tail-wavin’ horn-bearin’ ugly-ass mug thinking about being pan and getting that bootay? Bitchass. You don’t even got a vibe to yo’ gayness. My gamer girl/goth shit is fucking iconic. Yo ass can’t seem to know if you an e-girl or bear. GOD DAMN. Bitch.”
She continued to berate Gay Satan. She did so ruthlessly and without rest. Night fell, passed, and the sun rose on a new day. Gay Satan had now shriveled up into a small 4 foot 8 twink boy with a bowl cut. The uncloseting power of Futaba Sakura created a GayT-Field in the immediate area that leveled the entire neighborhood into a crater while simultaneously shredding Gay Satan’s facade as the Real Devil, revealing his true form.
“...mofuckin’ ass bitch. And if i see yo fake-ass gay-ass busting through my damn wall while I’m damn brooding, yo ass is gonna be sent straight to… to uh… to uh…”
It was now that Futaba’s power had finally drained. She had used up all her gay. Both Futaba Sakura and Gay Satan fell backwards simultaneously from where they stood in the crater epicenter.
“Wow,” said Gay Satan.
“Wow,” said Futaba Sakura.
“I think I need to rethink my life. I think Gay Hell could see some changes. You really opened my eyes, Futaba.”
“Really?” she asked.
“Yeah. I think I will stop killing the gays as I myself am a gay. I don’t think it is very healthy to be lashing out at the people who I should identify with and make my friends, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“Also, I think I will give everyone Spotify Premium.”
And so all was right with the world. Gay Satan has learned some valuable life lessons, and Futaba Sakura finally came out as the gayest woman that ever was or shall be.
THE END.
Epilogue…
Futaba Sakura now needed a new house after she destroyed her old home and neighborhood by coming out of the closet. As she wandered the city streets, she found herself in an alleyway. There, beside a big ol’ recycling dumpster, was a blue-haired android slumped over. The android was beautiful and hit Futaba’s perfect strikezone of android perfection where certain human body parts are specifically made inhuman, mechanical, and sleek by design as opposed to looking totally human or like a Japanese robo mascot with no mouth and weird bug eyes. She also just had a big android fetish and wanted to take her home with her to be her lesbian robowife or something (even though she had no home)
Being the gayest woman in all the multiverse, now uncloseted, she felt compelled to kiss the android on the lips, and that’s exactly what she did. The sleeping beauty roused from the kiss. (Author’s reaction: OOHHH!!!! gay?!?!?!) Her eyelids flipped open, and she introduced herself.
“I am KOS-MOS. Kosmos Obey Strategical Multiple Operation System.”
“Woah,” said Futaba. “Your name is part of your acronym, which is your name. That’s a little redundant.”
KOS-MOS disregarded this. “That kiss has registered you as a new user, Futaba Sakura. Your biometrics have been recorded.”
“Wowza.”
“Correct.”
“Man, I was just thinking about how nice it would be if I could take you home with me, but I don’t have a house anymore after I came out as a lesbian.”
“Very well, assessing housing market… House acquired.”
“Yo, okay, less’ go.”
“A loan was taken out in your name to acquire the house. By my calculations, it will take approximately 8 years to pay it off in full with the financial plan I have just created.”
“What.”
And so began the very lovely adventures of Futaba Sakura and her as-of-yet-unkown-sexual-orientation-or-relation-to-Futaba android, KOS-MOS.