Work Text:
Okuyasu didn’t know what time it was. He and Josuke had turned out the lights a little after midnight and he’d dozed a little, but now it was dark, and he was awake, and no amount of rolling over and trying to get comfortable was helping him fall back asleep.
Next to him, Josuke laid still, his breathing even. His back was to Okuyasu, and moonlight shone off his hair and lit his silhouette. It was too warm for blankets, and the graceful curl of his body was on full display, shoulders tucked in and knees pointing to the window. He was beautiful.
Okuyasu shifted again, so his face was pressed into Josuke’s pillow. If he looked anymore, he wouldn’t be able to keep from reaching out and touching just to make sure he was real, that someone so perfect could exist and choose to be right next to him. The pillow smelled like Josuke’s shampoo, so at least Okuyasu could pretend it was Josuke’s hair tickling his face and getting up his nostrils with every breath that was smothering him instead of the pillowcase.
“Okuyasu?”
Josuke’s voice was clear but quiet, and Okuyasu turned his head so his mouth wasn’t pressed into fabric.
“Did I wake you up?” he whispered.
“No.”
Okuyasu stared at the back of Josuke’s head. He didn’t want to move around again in case he actually had woken Josuke up, but his neck was twisted and it felt like two spine bones were pressed against each other. The longer he forced himself to stay still, the more it hurt. Finally, slowly, he turned onto his back. The pillow sounded really loud, hopefully just because it was next to his ear.
Josuke was quiet, and Okuyasu hoped he was going back to sleep. Okuyasu was used to late nights, but Josuke would complain for days if he lost enough beauty sleep to get dark circles.
Okuyasu closed his eyes. He wasn’t sleepy, but the least he could do was keep trying.
With a slight shake in his voice, Josuke asked, “Can I tell you something?”
“Yeah,” Okuyasu said. His voice was a little scratchy, and he cleared his throat as quietly as he could.
“I think there’s something wrong with me.”
Okuyasu stared at the ceiling. The fan was on its lowest setting, not high enough to shake but enough to blow cool air over his face. The moonlight left one half of it a white blur.
He realized what Josuke had said.
“What? Course there isn’t. You’re the best.”
“But I think there is.”
Okuyasu sat up. “What could possibly be wrong with you?” Josuke was cool and pretty and way smarter than Okuyasu. Sometimes he got cranky, sure, but he was the most perfect person Okuyasu had ever met.
Josuke was silent for a long time. He was as still as before, but Okuyasu could hear that his breathing was shallow.
Okuyasu laid back down. “Sorry. What do you think’s wrong with you?”
It took a minute for Josuke to answer. Okuyasu glanced at him, glanced again, and finally stared straight upward until he spoke.
“It’s about girls.”
“Girls love you.”
“I know.”
Josuke got girls confessing to him just about every week, from every class and every year. He probably had a drawer full of cute envelopes! Okuyasu would stand there awkwardly every time, and the girl would talk to Josuke like he didn’t exist, and Josuke would say something sweet but firm and the girl would nod and look like she was going to cry. Then Josuke would be sad on the walk home and no matter how funny Okuyasu tried to be, as soon as he stopped laughing, Josuke’s eyes would stop focusing and he would walk like he was on autopilot. Okuyasu thought it was stupid, to turn down so many cute girls, but Josuke would brush him off and change the subject every time he brought it up. If Josuke had any girl problem, it was that too many were in love with him, and that wasn’t really a problem at all.
“I think…” Josuke said, and his voice wavered and died out. He sucked in a shaky breath, and Okuyasu turned to look at him. He was still but tense, and the moonlight showed every dip of muscle in his arms.
“You know when girls crush on me? They blush and stuff and they look at me like I’m the coolest guy ever and if I smile at them their eyes light up like something really great happened. Like sparks, y’know? And I try really hard but when they look at me and smile at me I don’t feel anything. They’re just girls, and sometimes they’re pretty, really pretty, but I don’t feel butterflies or anything. And when they confess I know it’s supposed to be this really special thing. And it’s like they have a glow cause it is special, and if it’s special and they feel it’s special then the problem is me.”
Okuyasu frowned.
“Oh.”
It was all he could say. Sure, Josuke looked uncomfortable when girls crushed on him, but he hadn’t expected that. No wonder he thought something was wrong with him. If Okuyasu felt like that, he’d be worried too.
“But you love your mom, right?”
Josuke scoffed. “Yeah, but not like that.”
“Obviously. But it’s not like you can’t love. Maybe you just haven’t found the right girl.”
“Maybe.”
Whenever a girl looked at him, Okuyasu got a little sweaty, but Josuke always said he was about true love. Maybe it was different for him. Maybe if girls liked Okuyasu as much as they liked Josuke, he’d feel the same way.
“I’m scared,” Josuke whispered.
“That you won’t fall in love?”
“Yeah.”
Okuyasu shrugged. Josuke probably felt it through the mattress. Josuke was so awesome that girls would keep falling for him as long as he was alive. He’d find someone. It was statistics.
“Sometimes I feel things.” Josuke’s voice, quiet before, was barely audible. “Sometimes a guy stretches and his shirt rides up a little and I see his belly and I feel something in my stomach. Or a guy looks at me, like really looks, and he smiles and I feel like I’m having a heart attack.”
Josuke didn’t look over his shoulder but gave a little turn of the head so that his ear was pointed at Okuyasu.
Okuyasu thought for a moment. All this time, Josuke hadn’t looked at him, and sure, he still wasn’t looking, but this must be important. He wasn’t really sure why—the whole thing about girls seemed much weirder—but he wanted to get this right. Josuke was counting on him.
“I mean, that’s normal, isn’t it?” he said. “When a guy is cool, you think he’s cool. When he’s pretty you think he’s pretty. And like, if a cool guy gives you a compliment you get all flustered, cause he’s cool. And if a pretty guy looks really happy, you feel really happy and you want to make sure he stays happy and you wonder what you can do to make sure he’s always smiling. Like, you’re the most handsome guy ever and when you put your arm around my shoulder I feel a little bit like I’m floating. It’s cause and effect. Everyone feels that way.”
Josuke rolled over fast and looked straight at Okuyasu. His eyes were super wide. “Really? You feel like that?”
“Yeah. It’s normal.”
Josuke giggled nervously. “So you wonder what it would be like to kiss a boy too?”
“Yeah.”
“And you kinda want to join in when you hear girls talking about a cool guy?”
“Yeah,” Okuyasu said, “obviously.”
Josuke looked away, and Okuyasu glanced with him. There was just the wall. He looked back to find Josuke biting his lip.
“So,” Josuke said, “is it okay if I…” He met Okuyasu’s eyes, then looked away again, then completed his roll: he’d gone side to back to side; now he flipped onto his front. A strip of his chest pressed against a strip of Okuyasu’s, and his arm flopped over the rest of it.
Okuyasu’s heart rate tripled.
He took a slow breath and tried to keep his voice from shaking.
“Yeah man, of course it’s okay.”
Gently, delicately, shaking slightly, he curled his arm around Josuke’s side.
“Is that okay?” he asked.
Josuke nodded against his chest, then craned his neck so his face was pressed into Okuyasu’s shoulder. His breath tickled, and Okuyasu shivered when he felt the flutter of Josuke’s eyelashes.
“Are you cold?” Josuke only whispered it, but his mouth was so close to Okuyasu’s ear and he was getting light headed.
“Nah,” he said. But that didn’t explain anything, so he added, “just ticklish.”
“I’m not tickling you.”
“Yeah, but…” Okuyasu leaned into Josuke and blinked against his shoulder.
Josuke laughed, and Okuyasu could feel every movement of his chest.
“Okay, I get it.” He closed his eyes, and Okuyasu could feel the drag of his eyelashes so intensely. He wiggled a little and shoved his face deeper into the crook of Okuyasu’s neck. “Thanks,” he murmured.
“For what?”
Josuke shrugged. “Being cool, about the girl thing.”
Okuyasu felt the words as much as he heard them, and he shrugged back. “You’re welcome.”
Josuke’s hug tightened, then his breathing evened, and his fingers curled around a handful of Okuyasu’s shirt. Okuyasu psyched himself up to bring his other arm to wrap around Josuke’s waist, and after a slow, careful, movement, he had Josuke in his arms. Josuke didn’t stir, and Okuyasu hoped he was still asleep. After a minute, he took another risk and nestled his face in Josuke’s shoulder. It wasn’t comfortable to stretch his neck like that, but Josuke’s skin was so soft and the smell of his shampoo coated Okuyasu’s face and it was totally, totally worth it.