Chapter Text
"You know you can't hunt with that, Dean. You lost it last time remember? You were pissed all night."
He knows I'm right, but he still pouts wanting his soother.
I know he's excited about this hunt though. He still likes hunting, which I still haven't quite figured out. The whole situation is super fucked up. I almost don't even know where to begin telling you this story, but if you follow along, I'm sure you're bright enough to pick up all the bits on the way. Hell, I'm not even sure how to explain some of it, sometimes I just have to go with it and do what I think is best for him.
Two things you should know: Dean doesn't talk much anymore (though I'm working on it and it's getting better) and I'm the only one he trusts. Me. Sam.
He looks at me and cheekily pops his thumb in his mouth. I'm happy to see him be cheeky. It's kinda new and not often. That's Dad's fault. The whole thing with Dean is Dad's fault. I smile at him. "That's okay sweet boy. Can't lose those, well not easily anyway."
I'm driving. I drive the Impala now almost permanently.
I reach over and rustle his hair; he let's me. Only I'm allowed to touch him and sometimes Cas, or he throws a huge fit. It's a privilege I don't take lightly.
"Do you need to be changed?"
He shakes his head. "Are you sure? It's going to be a long night."
He nods, still sucking on his thumb. He's like this now, but as soon as we get out of the car, a switch will flip and he becomes robo-hunter. Dad trained him and Dean developed this sort of dual personality. He was never baby Dean around Dad of course, just quiet and subdued Dean or he got beat to a pulp. Dad felt it was his right to treat Dean as he pleased. Dean is Omega, thankfully I had the good fortune of being born Alpha like our father, which has afforded us the freedoms we have now. Not that I think there's anything wrong with being omega, it's just…a lot easier to be alpha in this world.
When I was younger, there wasn't much I could do except tend to Dean, sneak him food, make him feel better, but when our dad died (something I'm not sorry for) Dean's papers were transferred to me. For all intents and purposes, he's mine now, but I don't think of him like that. I don't agree with the treatment of omegas and while there's nothing I can do about it as a whole, I can make sure one little omega is taken care of. It's the only reason I stayed in the first place. I couldn't leave Dean, since I couldn't take him from Dad while he was with Dad no matter how much I wanted to.
I pull the Impala off the highway and park. Dean looks so sweet, his eyes innocent as he looks around scared. "Okay Dean. It's time to get the ghosts."
"K, Daddy." His innocence slips away with his thumb from his mouth, fading to the background, but not gone, and every bit of darkness he's ever seen, ever felt is here with him now.
We're ready to gank the ghost.
BB
As I predicted, it was a long one, but Dean as always, pulled through. Better than pulled through and why wouldn't he? Dad trains good soldiers; I'll give him that.
I can see when it happens. I know it well. It's not that baby Dean ever left; he doesn't blank out; he knows he's hunting; like I said, it's hard to explain, but I think baby Dean thinks he's playing a game. It's one he likes. But like all little boys, he knows when it's time for the game to be over. When he can let Daddy take care of him.
Once the match is falling down into the grave, I can hear the sniffles; he's tired, it's well past his bedtime. He tugs on my jacket and points to his mouth. He wants his soother. "It's in the car sweetheart. We're all done now. Where's your hand?"
He scowls at me and shakes his head. Not only is he tired, but he's cranky. If I didn't have to take him on these hunts, I wouldn't, but they're every bit a part of his personality as is baby Dean. He becomes, restless; that's when I know he's due for a hunt.
"Dean," I say firmly. "You know you have to hold Daddy's hand."
That's usually enough to get him to obey me, his eyes go wide, scared I'm going to beat him even though I never have and never would and he grabs my hand. "Good boy."
Soon as we get to the car and I've got him all buckled in, I pop his soother into his mouth for him; he smiles around it by way of thanks. I'm trying to get him to remember to say thank-you, but it's not going so well. He'll do if I ask him to. "Can you say thank you, baby boy?"
"Tank you, Daddy," he says without removing the soother. He's so fucking sweet. I wish I could bring our father back from the dead, so I could kill him again. How could he ever hurt him?
"You're welcome, peaches." He laughs when I say that, which is why I say that. I once told him he was sweet like peaches and he giggled longer than I'd ever heard him giggle. "Cas is waiting for us, so you can fall asleep if you like."
I can carry him, but it's awkward and I'd wake him, then he'd be up all night. Cas can carry him without disturbing him. Dean shakes his head. "Oh, you're not going to go to sleep are you?"
He shakes his head giving me mischievous eyes. He's playing with me; it warms my heart to see it—it's taken us a long time to get here. "Okay. Well I'd like to see you try not to fall asleep."
I call Cas and tell him to meet us at a motel about seventy-five miles from where Dean and I are now. Dean's out like I predicted; still sucking unconsciously on his soother, by the time we arrive. Cas is already there and stays with him while I check us in. Then we carry him in and lay him on the bed so I can change him.
We'll go back to Bobby's old place in the morning. He left it to us and it's where we stay most of the time now. We don't hunt as much as we used to. Just enough to keep Dean, sane.
I put a new diaper on him and a pair of cotton pajama pants with a white t-shirt then tuck him into bed. Cas, thinking ahead, brought beer, milk and juice. I've got some snacks for Dean and me in Dean's diaper bag. We crack open a beer and keep quiet so we don't wake the baby.
Cas takes my hand. "How was he tonight?"
I smile. "Amazing."
"And you?"
"I'm good, Cas." And I am. It was hard, but we've found a good place. I don't know if he'll ever be anything but this ever again and I don't care. I accept it. I'll take care of him forever if I have to.
"Bet I can make you feel better." He takes the beer from me and pulls me up by the hand he's holding and lays a solid kiss on my lips. I respond with my tongue and quickly our clothes are gone, but we cover ourselves with the blankets in the bed next to Dean. When Cas is finally in me, I'm revived. I don't know what I'd do without Cas.
We finish quietly; Dean doesn't stir until much later, when we're both cleaned and dressed. "Daddy?" he whines. Dean has lots of nightmares.
I ask Cas to make a bottle for him and I spoon in behind him, replacing the soother that's fallen on the bed. "Shh, Daddy's here, baby." I rub his back and coo at him, 'till Cas hands me the bottle with warm milk. I switch his soother for the nipple of the bottle. Dean sucks slowly, his sleepy eyes looking around the room.
"Scared," he says.
"I know. Was a scary dream wasn't it?"
Dean nods and continues sucking. Cas stays out of sight. Dean has gotten fairly comfortable with Cas, but during his nightmares, it's better if he can just focus on me, or I'll never get him back to sleep. I'll be lucky if I do as it is.
I get lucky and he does fall asleep. Cas says goodbye saying he'll go make sure the house is ready for us when we return. We've been on the road for a couple weeks, filling Dean's need for hunting, but it's time to go home for as long as we can. I stay with Dean and hold him tight and hum him a lullaby.