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He'd known them for years now, but somewhere among the time he had spent at the Survey Corps their bond had strengthened in such a way that he considered them a friend now. He supposed it was unavoidable, given the low rate of survivors of each mission and the reduced space of the barracks. He didn’t put much thought into it, it happened with Furlan and Isabel, three people in a reduced space with the goal to survive. At least that was what he was trying to make himself believe.
It’d been long since he assumed that even the simplest of missions could take a turn for the worst in a matter of seconds, and it didn’t help the characteristic recklessness that followed Hange wherever they went. He found himself relaxing every time he could spot the mop of greasy brown locks among the survivors of each mission. He even went as far as subtly scanning the area every now and then while on expeditions to make sure they haven’t been eaten yet. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t know they were capable of handling themselves… Well, they were able to do so most of the time, but his concern wasn’t unfounded.
Levi will always remember the accursed day, the very first damned day that he lost his cool about the scientist's careless behavior and led to all those looking-over gestures directed at his friend. It wasn’t the first time that Erwin’s commands fell on deaf ears and surely wasn’t going to be the last. And probably him being sent as backup to prevent foreseen disaster was going to receive the same treatment.
He and his squad followed the protocol to bring the abnormal attention to them and take it out without any inconvenience. What they didn’t expect though was that the titan paid no mind to the flare-gun or how much more people they were. It still followed Hange, just to have the roles reversed barely a minute later. At this point he was ready to kill that thing out of annoyance. Or maybe his friend. Probably both.
They reached a clearing in the middle of the forest, a view he could have enjoyed if Hange wasn’t standing at a human’s arms reach from the abnormal.
What is wrong with them!?
He was about to propel himself when Oluo beat him to it and almost got eaten in the process. He followed close behind and saved the poor guy, who was infinitely grateful, but not everyone was as appreciative.
“He could have been… such a valuable test subject…”
The weak lament of the scientist was what made him march to them. They weren’t done with their mourning when he grabbed them by the cape.
“Shut up, four eyes! If you want to end up as titan shit I won’t stop you! But don’t put my men in danger!”
It’s not exactly what he wanted to say, but it was enough that his squad had witnessed his outburst, he couldn’t let them know what the real motive behind it was. He wasn’t sure if he himself knew. He did know what he really wanted to say.
Are you out of your mind!? Were you even thinking!? Don’t you dare pull another stupid stunt like this, I can’t lose y-
“Titans don’t defecate, you know…?” The familiar voice explained, putting him out of his reverie. “It’s because they don’t have digestive organs.”
Levi was so caught out of guard by the answer that he didn't even try to hide his surprise. He let them out of his grasp, not daring to analyze his previous thoughts. And even though his anger lingered for a while after the incident, he remembered the moment he lifted them by their clothes, his hand pressed against their neck, where he could feel their frantic heartbeat.
It's beating. They're still here.
-_-_-_-_-_-
After they were granted permission to capture alive titans for the sake of knowledge he had to recognize that Hange had lowered down the recklessness considerably. At least outside the walls. Once they got those monsters secured they would start pacing irresponsibly close, he wondered if it was because of the fake illusion of safety the restrains gave or because they were so amazed by the creatures that they were going crazier with each passing day.
Normally they would stay closer to the beasts than Levi’s deemed necessary, but he never objected to their methods seeing they were proving to be effective and they were still leaving a safe distance. He felt it was going to be different with those two right since the beginning.
Since the sighting, they were more obnoxious than usual, and it didn’t help that the both of them appeared to be really different from each other, which he knew would translate into rambling twice as normal. He didn’t actually mind the rambling, it was quite the break on an otherwise dull routine, and he had to admit he found some of the research interesting and fascinating. But he knew that more interest and rambling would result in them lowering their guard.
As days went by, Sawney and Bean proved to be as captivating as he had feared, making the squad leader spend day and night without leaving their sides. And without eating or sleeping properly, which wasn’t uncommon during an experiment period, but this time they were spending larger periods of time with the creatures and it was almost impossible to find them outside the experiments area, which increased the risks he was worried about. In fact, he was called in as emergency personnel due to the number of soldiers that had given up because of exhaustion or had gone sick at the scientist's brutality. And he couldn’t blame those poor souls.
He arrived the day they were experimenting with spears to collect data on the titans’ response to pain. There was more screaming than he was expecting, but wasn’t surprised by the source of most of it. There was also a lot more blood than he was planning on seeing in an indoor mission, but Hange could be gruesome if someone let them. He could feel the disgust in his expression, leaning on one of the wooden pillars at the far right of Sawney. No wonder the soldiers were abandoning.
When the scream match ended, Hange swapped titans. This one was barely responding, and if it moved it was due to the force it was being impaled with. Then, it moved its head, and everything happened so slow and so fast at the same time. The bastard’s bite was so close that he swore it should have chomped some strands of hair. He saw how two rows of teeth almost as big as his head had aimed at the squad leader with precise speed. And he had just stood there. The most he did was straighten before remaining completely frozen.
“For the love of god, stand clear!”
He focused on the scene again, as he saw Moblit’s expression and decided that the man wasn’t being paid enough. At his left, Hange had the audacity to laugh. As if they hadn’t been more endangered than they had been in weeks. As if they didn’t almost-
“You almost got me that time, didn’t you darling?”
He strode to them as Moblit continued his distressed shouting.
“Alright, enough for today four eyes.” Both of them turned to him in shock. “If you’re not going to rest, at least allow the rest of your team to sleep more than two hours.”
“But we’re only halfway through! We can’t stop now!”
“Yes we can, and we will. You’re going to leave us with no soldiers at this rate, yourself included.”
“Let me j-”
“No. Food, shower and sleep.” He ordered with a scowl before raising his voice. “And that goes for everyone here! Head to the barracks!”
He was met with the relieved look of Moblit and he nodded to let him know it was fine for him to leave. Levi let Hange say their goodbyes, which took long enough to leave just the two of them around. He actually had to drag them out of the experimenting area when he realized they were just stalling for time, grabbing them by the wrist as they continued to wave with their free hand before complaining to him. But he couldn't care less, because the only thing he was focused on was the rhythmic thrumming coming from their wrist.
It's still beating. They're still here.
-_-_-_-_-_-
He strode through the corridors at a faster pace that he will ever admit, and he was pissed by that. Apparently, the part of the wall that had been breached was suddenly intact, like it had never been damaged in the first place. Another problem was that Hange had been right about the Colossal titan and the Armored titan being among the 104th Cadet Corps all this time.
According to the reports, those two had attacked the rest of the soldiers, which had resulted in several wounded by the Colossal titan and its boiling hot vapor. It was also reported that there had been no casualties, but he couldn't help but feel the need to make sure that the report was true. That they were fine. Even if it confused and angered him to feel that way.
He was almost at their door when it opened and he heard a conversation.
"Squad Leader, you need to rest!"
"What I need is to talk to Erwin, rest can wait."
He could see Hange trying to exit the room, resting their weight on the arm they had on the door frame, their assistant moving behind them unsure if it would be better to help them stand or if it would make the burns hurt more.
Damn four eyes…
"Hey, listen to him for a change."
They both turned to him as he positioned himself blocking the way out.
"Ah Levi! Can you tell Moblit t-"
"Get the hell back in four eyes. First warning."
"Come on! I'm fine! It'll be just a moment! It won't even be a minute, I swear."
"We three know that's far from true. The reports can wait, you're in bad shape. Second warning."
Hange was probably going to argue the last statement while straightening themselves, but in doing so they almost collapsed. They used Levi's shoulder as support and their weight came to rest on his left side, which made his injured ankle throb in pain. He had forgotten until then, but between the current accident and the previous runs through the corridors he could feel it worsen by the second. A light groan escaped his lips as Moblit tried to release him from a bit of the weight.
"Get in. Now."
This time Hage decided not to push their luck and allowed Moblit to help them reach the side of the bed while he took a chair nearby.
"I- I'll get something cold for your ankle, Captain!" the young assistant exclaimed nervously when he finished his task.
"Bring the first aid too. I get the feeling I'll need that as well."
"Y-yes sir!" He saluted and left the room.
Both of them were now drowned in an uncharacteristic silence, which just grew more and more tense if the look on his companion was something to go by. He could almost hear the guilt in Hange's thoughts, so he decided to put an end to it.
"You could use some rest, you seemed really burned out."
He said nonchalantly, but he noticed his words had the desired effect when brown warm eyes snapped up to look at his.
"Did you just say what I think you said!?" Hange said, genuinely surprised but grinning widely.
"I don't know what you're talking about." He answered with a light smirk, which received a soft chuckle in return, their eyes back at the floor again.
"I'm sorry…" they said after a few seconds of not-so-asphyxiating silence. "About your foot."
"I wonder how we could have avoided that."
Another chuckle, and along with it a warm and so so foreing feeling.
"Yeah, I get it, I'll rest. Promised."
"Good. We can't have you passing out in the middle of the barracks, you scare enough people as it is."
"Stop saying things like that or I'll believe that you are worried for me or something."
"It's about time you realize that."
Their head snapped upwards again, a mix of emotion on their eyes and voice as they spoke. "You were worried about me?"
"Of course I was, shitty glasses. So much for humanity's smartest…" And although his voice had its typical edge and coldness to it, he knew he was clearly understood as a soft smile appeared in Hange's face.
A few moments later, Moblit came back with everything he needed and Levi told him to retire to a well deserved rest. He then proceeded to tend Hange's burns with ointments and bandages against their protests to take care of his ankle first. And if he spent more time applying said ointments on the places where he could feel their heartbeat, he will never admit it.
It's still beating. They're still here.
-_-_-_-_-_-
He decided that it was worse witnessing it rather than getting vague news through a report. He knew they could take a shot on the shoulder, but the way they were slammed against the glass-like column, the way they dropped lifeless from that height, the sound they made both times… just to stay disturbingly still. He had to ride next to the cart to keep himself together, shooting glances every now and then to convince his brain that no one had died.
It didn't get better as time passed given the situation they had to deal with. He knew they had to recover, but he was also painfully aware that they couldn't make it without Hange's brilliant mind. So for the sake of humanity, he decided to keep quiet when they saw them in the emergency meeting, with a dirty rag as a sling and what he was sure were the appreciated but not exhaustive enough efforts of their assistant to treat the wounds in a rush. He decided not to act every time he saw fresh blood staining their shirt, or not to point out when he caught them trying to unsuccessfully hide a wince. He decided to pretend that he didn't know they were minutes away from collapsing.
His efforts weren’t in vain as they proved with the new weaponry they developed in just a few hours, and even though he admired and respected Hange to be able to pull that off in their state, he would never admit it out loud. It turned out to be a solid plan and effective weaponry, which he didn’t find surprising given the source of it, but they amazed him either way.
Living up to their title…
Unfortunately, a few moments later Levi found out he was right. As soon as Rod had been taken care of and the mission came to an end, he found the scientist sitting in the spot on top of the wall they were sent to in order to see the action but be out of danger. Seeing him approach, they offered a tired smile.
“Have you seen any strength around? I think I ran out.”
Even now, they tried to shrug it off with jokes but he decided to hide the amusement at their attitude with an eye roll noticeable enough for them to see. “Will you fight me now when I send you to rest?”
“I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. And it’s not one of my priorities right now.”
“Hmm, that’s a first.” He extended his hand and Hange took it to get on their feet, just to immediately stumble before supporting themselves on the shorter man.
“Would you look at that, you make a good walking aid.”
“I will push you off the wall and no one would ever know.”
“Sure you will, shorty.”
Levi helped them walk to their room in the temporary barracks and went to take the medical supplies off Moblit’s hands and send him to take a break too. That one would never be paid enough. Once back, he found Hange sitting at the edge of the bed nearest to the wall and leaning on it on their side and fast asleep.
“Hey! The wound first! I already let you skip the shower.” He said loud enough to wake them up, moving a chair to be in right in front of the injured shoulder.
“Good morning to you too.” They started undressing while he threaded the needle. “Oh, you won’t need that, most of the damage it’s external. You see, the hook had a mechanism that made it able to fold into itself and it seems to activate the moment they reach a surface, so there’s almost no internal damage!”
He was relieved to hear that but tried to feign disinterest. “Are you done rambling so I can see for myself?” With their nod, he started removing the old bandages and couldn’t hide his shock. It looked like something from inside their shoulder had exploded, but they were right, it was mostly external.
“If you don’t like it you should see my back in a few days.” They tried to joke again, but had the opposite effect. He made eye contact before walking around the bed to see what it was starting to be a map of bluish bruises and small cuts from the ‘glass’, almost of all them cicatrized by now and not deep enough to be worried about, but it made his breath stop at how really bad the situation had been. “It’s fiiiiine. You know I’ve been through worse.”
“Not helping.” He simply said as he sat and started to work on the wounds. They shared that time span in silence as he tried to keep his emotions at bay and relax, which became an easier task when the wound and the deeper cuts were covered by clean dressings one after another.
He had just finished adjusting the shoulder gauze when his hands hoovered there, his brain deciding it was the best time to replay the damned fight with excruciating detail. He couldn’t tell how long it was until a hand grabbed his right one and was placed on their chest. He looked up in confusion. “What are y-?”
“Shh.” Hange interrupted and tapped his hand with the one they were grabbing it, bringing his attention to it. He realized what they were doing. The side of his fist that was against their chest felt warm, felt its rise and fall, felt a heartbeat. He should have guessed Hange might have discovered his little habit by now, they were smart after all and they could read each other like open books after all this time. Levi’s eyes darted to the shoulder again but felt a gentle squeeze in his fist almost immediately.
His eyes met brown ones and a smile so warm that the rest of the room faded. He let himself relax for a bit before letting the squad leader to rest, helping them into bed without disturbing their right side or back. He was about to leave when they spoke up.
“You don’t have to leave, it’s not like I would mind the company.” They grinned tiredly, eyes fighting to stay open.
“I’m afraid I do, I have somewhere I need to go.” He hesitated, but quickly gave in because why not, he also deserved a break. “But I’ll be back in a few hours.” And he let out the subtlest of the smiles despite himself.
With that, Hange visibly relaxed as he made his exit. It’s not that he was looking forward to a family reunion, but the sooner it was done the sooner it would be over. On his way out of the barracks Levi caressed his hand, a ghost feeling still present and talking to him louder than ever.
It's still beating. They're still here.
-_-_-_-_-_-
He couldn’t understand why he wasn’t letting go, what was keeping him from stopping fighting the blade that was dangerously close against his neck and end this once and for all.
He wasn’t one to jump to conclusions, but he had seen the Colosal’s explosion from the other side of the wall. After that, the ones that were outside with him were thrown rocks at such a speed that there wasn’t a building standing in that area, and judging by the state the three kids were in it took no brainer to realize that of all the people that had arrived Shingashina, the only ones left alive were on that roof.
Mikasa might have noticed him lessening his efforts, because she too was pushing a little weaker. She didn’t want to kill him. A bit further from them, the red haired novice had started making his case on why they should save the commander and not what was left of their friend.
“So stay out of his way!” The boy made a move to attack her, and Levi saw her sword retreat, ready to aim at her new threat.
“Don’t do it!” He tried to warn, but it hadn’t been necessary. A pair of arms were grabbing her from behind and made her back up a few steps. He didn’t try to hide his relief or surprise. He wasn’t sure he could have, the emotions of seeing the familiar brown ponytail were too strong to keep them in. “Hange!”
They gave him a nod directed at the syringe and then proceeded to calm the girl down. He had the needle in the vial when he started hearing the squad leader speak.
“There are people I want to bring back too. People I've known since I joined the Survey Corps.”
He got the needle out of the vial.
“I know it’s impossible, but you have to accept this. We have to keep moving forward…”
His hands were frozen in place and glanced at his right to make sure the scientist was still talking to Mikasa.
Move forward…
He was well aware that Armin had a mind as brilliant as Erwin’s if not more, and at that age above all. That kid could surely take them places when the time came, and until that happened, Hange would take the commander’s role. Those two could be unstoppable, they had already proven so, so…
He had already made up his mind when Eren grabbed him by the leg and tried to convince him to make a choice he didn’t know the captain had already made. He sent everybody out of the roof in case of danger and when he was alone with the three almost-corpses, he said his goodbyes and apologies to the late commander and injected the serum to the other blonde.
While what was left of the 104th welcomed back their friend, the two last veterans of the Survey Corps sat on the roof near the body of his friend, and for the first time in years Levi couldn’t read Hange’s expression. It didn’t get any better as time went by, he noticed something had broken between the two judging by their interactions, leaving him wondering if they didn’t agree with his choice.
After returning from the basement and leaving Eren and Mikasa in the stockade, he found himself feeling completely alone for the first time in decades. The new commander spent the rest of the day and the two following ones doing what he could only guess was filling in paperwork and catching up with their new role. And as he tried to sleep, he found himself reliving Shingashina’s explosion but with a far worse outcome than it had been, so he just gave up trying to rest at all and opting to read and drink tea in the common room now that it wasn’t as busy as before.
The new routine was settling in when one of the nights he heard a crash on his way from the kitchen and realized that it came from the Survey Corps main office. Heart stammering in his chest, he knocked on the door and opened it slightly. He calmed when he saw Hange’s back to him and the further part of the floor covered in shards of what had probably been a glass before the commander decided against it. Their shoulders were tense and their hands were balled into fists at each side.
“What do you th-”
“WHAT!?” He felt himself flinch at the outburst, which went as fast as it came and was replaced by shock. Equally fast, an apologetic look appeared on their face, gaze falling to the floor. “I- I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was you.”
“You wouldn’t have shouted at me?” Hange looked up at him confused. “You’re not angry with me anymore?”
“Wha… I’m not angry with you. Should I?”
“I thought…Never mind.”
“Now I’m scared, what did you do? What should I be angry about?”
“I thought you resented me for not choosing Erwin.” He blurted.
A few seconds of silence passed before they responded. “We haven’t talked about that…”
“You were too busy to be interrupted. And besides, I thought you hated my guts.”
The new commander let out a huffed laugh. “The busy part is true. I guess I didn’t have time to process… anything really.”
“I just wanted to apologize for not consulting you, but I also wanted to tell you that he was ready to die even before it was a choice. He decided to end it all in battle and I couldn’t take that away from him. He knew that this was going to be his last mission one way or another.”
“Moblit didn’t…” They said in a whisper.
Levi noticed then how exhausted they looked, the bags under their eye the darkest he had seen them, their hair was a mess and their face was pale enough to let someone think they were seconds away from giving out. And they did. Hange fell to their knees, both hands covering their face, and he followed them to the floor after leaving his long forgotten tea and book on the table. As soon as he placed a hand on the other's shoulder, they leaned forward, and Levi embraced them as they broke into sobs.
Would it have been anybody else and he would have no idea of how to act, but with Hange everything worked on instinct and felt natural to him. And if he could be of any help, he would, because he had never seen the scientist cry like this. These weren't the overdramatic cries when an experiment went wrong, these ones sounded broken, devastated. He hugged them tighter and let them mourn for however long they needed.
When they broke apart, he helped them sit in a chair he placed near the side of the desk. He was going to offer a handkerchief when saw bloody tracks appear from under the bandages. “How long has it been since you took a look at that?” He took the silence as a response and tried to remember when was the last time he had refilled the aid kit in his room. “I don’t think you’d like that getting infected, would you, Comman-?”
“No. Please don’t. Not you too.”
Hearing such an uncharacteristically despair in their voice made his blood run cold, so he was sure to follow the request for now on. “Well, ‘three eyes’ doesn’t have the same ring to it.” The wet chuckle he got in response was enough to make him smirk. “Stay here and drink that, I’m going to get the supplies.”
“But I thought the tea was y-”
“My peace offering? It sure was, glad to see you still have your brain with you.”
On his return, he stood in front of them and placed the supplies on the desk. He found a little resistance at first, Hange backed when he tried to take the bandages off, so he placed his hand on their left cheek and caresed it gently until they gave a shy nod. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been and, besides some cuts from the glass of the goggles, the wound was clean enough to cicatrize without any help.
Levi was putting the new gauze over the now cleaned area when he spoke again. “I don’t want to make it sound as if his life was worthless, but I’m glad Moblit was there with you then and knew how essential you are for humanity.”
“So you’re saying his life means less than mine?” It sounded slightly bitter, but he knew it wasn’t directed at him.
“No.” He measured the bandage and cut a long piece before looking at their good eye. “I’m saying that I owe him my life because he saved yours.”
There was a beat of silence before a light frown appeared on Hange’s face. “You haven’t been sleeping.”
“You’re one to talk.”
“Nightmares?”
“Yeah. Shingashina?”
“Yeah… Do you want to talk?”
“I’d rather not.” He moved to lean on the table at Hange’s left. “But I guess they might be quite similar.”
“It’s a high possibility.” They moved the chair until its side knocked on the desk, getting them so close that their knees were touching. “Does the protagonist change in yours too?”
“I thought we weren’t talking about that. But yeah, sometimes they do.”
“I expected as much. Mine too.”
The silence now wasn’t like the previous days. It wasn’t as suffocating, although it still carried its fair share of uneasiness, but now it was shared. He was content enough to be able to watch them drown his tea in the quiet of the night. It was enough… almost enough. Before Levi could stop himself, his balled fist made its way slowly to their chest and Hange made no sign of discomfort, surprise or… anything really, as if they were expecting it. And they probably were. It took a second to feel it, but it was there, undeniably steady and healthy.
He was so lost in the rhythm he almost missed Hange reaching for his wrist, in what he first thought was a way to keep his hand in place but realized was them reciprocating the gesture. He looked up to be met with the warmest smile he’d seen in weeks, so he made sure to give them one of his own as they both tried to fill their minds with the silence of the night. He knew better than to think the nightmares would suddenly stop, but he would focus on this for now, on warm skin and the sound of life.
It's still beating. They're still here.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-
“Hey, Levi… Do you think they’re watching? Can we face our dead comrades with pride?”
“Don’t say shit like that…”
They really had a gift for saying the most ominous shit at the worst time possible, as if they knew something he didn’t, as if they expected something to go wrong. There was almost nothing left of the always hopeful, cheerful and optimistic squad leader now. There hadn’t been for years, and in its place there was a shell that did look like Hange, but was just a ghost of what they used to be. Sometimes their old self will make an appearance, boosted by the remnants of the scientific curiosity that somehow hadn’t died along with the rest of their bright personality, but since they were bestowed the position of commander they always showed a predisposition to the worst.
And maybe if he had shared that predisposition he would have been prepared in some way to face the situation.
“I brought everyone here.”
What are you saying?
“I killed countless comrades to be here.”
It was their choice. You didn’t do it. You fought to be here.
“I will take that burden.”
Don’t…
No…
Levi cursed his luck. Of all of Hange’s traits, was their stubbornness the one that survived the rank up. There was no stopping them, so he would shut down the part of him that wanted to scream at them to stay. It didn’t take a lot of effort, because he couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn't even make out the conversation they were having with Armin before they made their way to him.
“Hey… Four eyes…”
“You know it, Levi. It feels like… my time has come.” They were so close to each other that their arms were almost touching, but he felt as if they were across the sea. “I want to go with a bang… So please let me go…”
He couldn’t look at them. He couldn’t bring himself to give them permission to go. The whole situation felt unreal. He needed something, anything to ground himself.
Levi quickly glanced at his left and raised his fist. Almost on autopilot, his hand found its place on the other’s chest. This time it was loud and clear, erratic.
They’re still here.
They’re still here.
He had so much to say. He had wasted so much time keeping the words inside and now he found himself with no time to get them out. He wanted to sit with them tonight to treat the oncoming wounds. He wanted to scream at them afterwards for being this stupid. He wanted to hug them goodbye. He wanted to…
“Dedicate…” His hand was shaking. His whole body was trembling. “...your heart.”
He wasn’t entirely sure that those words were meant for Hange, but he still heard a whispered ‘I will’ and felt his fist being squeezed by the briefest of times before they walked past his side. Maybe he just imagined it, his brain processing so much distress that had started playing mind games on him.
Are you waiting for me to turn around?
Do you have to do this?
Do you have to be so reckless?
Can’t you stay?
Will you leave me alone?
He heard them shout something but couldn’t make out the words. Then he realized that he had missed what could be Hange’s last words, that he hadn’t looked at their face for the last time. He turned around to see a green cape blowing in the distance. Levi regretted not staying in the damned forest. He should run and try to help them or die trying, but he felt arms trying to put him out of harm's way.
Why aren’t you helping them?
Why are you letting them die?
Why can’t I do something?
Flames appeared on their right side and quickly spread.
I should have agreed.
We should be in the forest now.
It’s my fault we didn’t stay there.
It’s my fault we’re here.
My fault…
He jolted awake, drops of sweat covering his skin. He sat with his back against the headboard and dropped his head back, wondering how long it would take for the nightmares to disappear, if they ever did. The darkness and silence in the room was overwhelming, making him feel as if he had yet to wake up. It felt like everything had stopped, and it was beginning to get on his nerves. He didn’t have the patience to wait for his eye to get used to the dim light so he decided to control his ragged breaths aloud to fill in the quietness.
The wind was thankfully at his side too, bringing something to focus on from the outside, like the whistling sounds it made when it went through a window outside his room that wasn’t fully closed, or the rustling noise of thousands of leaves from nearby trees.
The trees…
His body moved on its own but he didn’t fight it. He found himself hugging his legs and letting his head rest on his knees, facing the window from where he could make out the source of the sound. He wasn’t sure if the sight was mocking him or trying to comfort him, but he allowed the few tears that escaped to run silently down his face.
Sleep was probably the last option at the moment, lest he wanted to have a repeat of the nightmare. Levi spotted a book on his night stand, so he grabbed it and lit the lamp in search of something to focus on until he calmed down. The moment was far from relaxing when a hand clumsily hit his leg.
“Tsk… I thought the deal was at sunrise shorty…” The words came muffled by the pillow, but the nickname and the voice were enough to send him stumbling out of the bed and to the ground, getting as further as he could from that bed until his back hit the wall. His companion immediately straightened and peered at him. “Oh shit, Levi!”
He really needed to get some rest because he was going insane. He closed his eyes and prayed to whatever was out there to finally wake up, to stop this endless spiral of chained nightmares because he was sure he couldn’t handle more of this without completely losing his mind.
“Hey, Levi, come on. Look at me.” He felt a hand on his arm, gentle but firm. He wanted to look at them, but he knew it would only last seconds before they disappeared again. “You’re alright, take deep breaths.”
The voice was soothing, and he opened his eyes, looking at the opposite side he was being spoken from. He saw the book had followed him to the ground and laid open at arms reach. It was upside down but he could see the detailed drawing of a strange flower and text and diagrams covering the rest of the pages. He closed it and turned it to him. The title read ‘The science behind flowers’. He didn’t take interest in botanical matters beyond admiring the plants he found interesting, but he did buy that book. It wasn’t for him though.
He turned to look at the hand that hadn’t abandoned his arm, and found that from the fingers to the neck there were scars of burned skin. Scars that he knew were all along the side of the other’s body. He finally felt confident enough to make eye contact. “Hange…?”
They smiled at him. “Yeah, it 's me. Disappointed?”
He playfully shoved them with a huff, making them lose balance where they crouched and landed with a laugh. He remembered now. They barely made it to the plane and were unconscious for a while. They fixed the machine sooner than expected and one of the kids got them out of there before it was too late. They both even managed to survive the hell that came after, and now… It was done. They made it.
He ran a hand through his hair while Hange sat on the floor impossibly close to him. “Are you alright?”
A sigh escaped his lips before he could stop it. “I don’t know. I will be, I guess. You?”
A snort. “Are you being serious right now? I’m not the one who decided to try to fly without the maneuver gear.”
“I don’t think I want to hear about that thing ever in my life again.”
“Sure, as if you mind using it when we have to go to town.” They elbowed him gently. “I’ve seen your face, you love using it.”
“My hands feel empty though.”
“Yeah, mine too. I’ll try to change the mechanism to be heavier or make it do something besides what they already do. Comes with the work I guess, old habits die hard. We’re soldiers after all.”
“I wish we weren’t sometimes.”
“Hmm.” Hange let their head rest on the wall behind them. “It’s not easy, I’ll give you that. But I can’t imagine living another life. Not then anyways.” They leaned closer. “What would have you been if you hadn’t joined the Survey Corps?”
“Dead.” A beat of silence before his companion burst into laughter, a sound he wanted to cherish forever. He turned to them, trying and failing to hide a smile. “What? You’ve seen the underground, you know it was a matter of time in those conditions.”
“I know, I know…” The laughter was dying down, but they couldn’t stop smiling. “It was just so sudden, sorry. But see, it’s not like you had any better options.”
“I’m aware…”
“I’m glad you decided to join by the way. Despite… everything.”
“Yeah…” Levi turned enough to face them. “But there are things that make all that hell worth it."
They smiled at each other, and he was brought back to their first meeting. They were the only person that didn't look at them with disgust or disdain. And after his two friends… Hange was the only one that was by his side, no matter how many times he pushed them away, they kept coming back, to ask how they were or keeping him company.
“You miss them.” Apparently he wasn’t hiding his sorrow as well as he thought.
“You don’t?”
“You got me. But I’d say it’s gotten less difficult.”
He scoffed. “Yeah, that’s why the last tree you planted is named after your assistant.”
“Hey! At least I name things that are alive!”
“The mop thing was your idea, and it’s not my fault that it looks like Erwin’s hair when it’s upside down. Who puts a mop upside down anyways?”
He shook his head fondly and the silence became peaceful. He felt fingers entwine with his and he reciprocated, making him relax and letting his head drop on Hange’s shoulder.
“Do you want tea?” Their head was on top of his, strands of brown long hair tickling the back of his neck.
“It 's alright.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I was planning on enjoying the quietness but it seems someone else is against it.”
“How curious, my plans were to sleep until my stomach would wake me up, but found someone like that too.”
“We should throw those assholes out.”
“Agreed.”
They stayed there for so long that Levi had trouble keeping his eyes open. Hange must have noticed too, or maybe they had been having the same trouble themselves.
“We should try to get more sleep.” They offered a hand when they got on their feet and helped him up. He got to bed while the lamps were taken care off. Once they were both in bed facing each other, Levi brushed the other’s bangs out of their face delicately. “You good to try sleeping again?”
He knew what they meant. He didn’t want to relive the nightmare but he was terribly exhausted. Hange cradled his hand and twined their fingers again, placing the back of his hand against their chest. Levi felt himself relax almost instantly, and with a sigh, he closed his eyes and let the sleepiness take over him while concentrating on his surroundings.
We are at the cabin.
We’re finally in the forest.
It wasn’t real.
It's still beating.
They're still here.