Chapter Text
Jim blinked his eyes open slowly. The room was pitch black. Thick clouds outside obscured any sign of the moon or stars from above. Thunder rolled softly in the distance and the air was heavy with humidity, the approaching rain promising relief from the heat of the day.
But Jim knew it had not been the approaching storm that had woken him from sleep. It had been the same nearly every night for the past fourteen days. He waited. He did not move. He barely dared to breathe and make a sound.
There it came again. Soft, low and barely audible. A groan of discomfort accompanied by the barest flinch from the man still sleeping beside him. Jim sighed quietly in resignation. Some nights were better than others. Jim had quickly learned the signs of a 'bad' night. The only question was just how bad. He took it as a positive sign that at least he'd caught it early; Khan hadn't started screaming yet.
"Khan?" Jim whispered softly but still he didn't move. At first there was no response, so he repeated the man's name, again and again. Still softly, doing his best not to unintentionally startle the augment from sleep. Jim still had bruises from the last time he'd made that mistake. Finally, Khan jerked sharply, and this time the movement was accompanied by a sudden inhalation, indicating that Jim been successful in rousing him. Khan hadn't instinctively lashed out this time, and Jim let out a breath of relief that he'd been holding in.
Once he was certain that Khan was awake, only then did Jim turn towards him in the bed. He shifted close enough that he could feel the heat radiating off of the augment's body but Jim didn't dare touch him yet. Just because Khan was awake didn't mean he was fully aware yet. Another painful mistake Jim had made and learned quickly from.
"Hey. Are you with me?" Jim asked softly. He was close enough that Khan probably felt his breath against the back of his neck. He felt a small shiver run through Khan's body, indicating that was indeed the case, but it was several more heartbeats before the augment finally spoke.
"Yes." Khan's voice was low and rough with sleep, but he sounded calm, and there was only a bit of tension in his tone. The fact that Khan had answered him at all instead of getting out of bed and storming away, or snapping at him in anger, was another good sign. It wasn't that bad a night then. Though 'good' and 'bad' were relative terms these days.
Jim allowed himself to reach out and place his palm against Khan's bare back. The skin was hot and damp with perspiration, and he could feel Khan's heart racing beneath his palm. But the augment didn't try to pull away, so Jim pushed his luck a little more. He pressed his lips to the back of Khan's neck, tasting the sweat on his skin. When Khan didn't protest, Jim allowed himself to do it again, pressing a trail of soft kisses along the man's neck and shoulders. Khan remained tense, even when Jim slipped his arm around his middle, but he didn't tell Jim to stop.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jim always asked. While up to this point the answer was always 'no,' it varied. Sometimes Khan would simply remain silent and ignore him until they both fell back asleep. Sometimes it was at this point Khan got out of bed and refused to sleep for the rest of the night. Sometimes Khan would growl at him and insult him until Jim was snapping back just as fiercely and they were in danger of waking the rest of the facility with their arguing. Honestly, those nights were some of the most bearable; getting any kind of reaction out of Khan was better than none at all these days. But sometimes…
Khan's hand suddenly covered Jim's own where it rested against his stomach, pressing Jim's palm into the strong muscles there, where he felt the rise and fall with every breath Khan took. When the hand started guiding his lower, beneath the waistband of Khan's sleep pants, Jim let out another soft sigh. So, it was going to be one of those nights then. While he supposed it was more pleasant than arguing all night, or getting the silent treatment, it still disappointed Jim somewhat. Sometimes he still doubted if this was what Khan really wanted, or if he was just trying to distract Jim or himself from the problem.
But despite his misgivings, Jim never said no, and he had no intention of doing so now. He'd made a promise to Khan. He'd do whatever Khan asked of him to help him, as long as Khan promised not to attempt to hide when he needed help anymore. Sometimes that meant doing nothing while letting Khan stalk around the room growling like a caged panther. Sometimes that meant shouting at him at the top of his lungs until dawn. Sometimes that meant holding him through the night, just letting him know he was there, and sometimes that meant this.
Khan was already semi-aroused when Jim wrapped his fingers around his cock. Jim pressed his lips to Khan's neck again as he slowly stroked the man from root to tip. His grip was loose, almost teasing, at first. The organ's texture was like velvet over hard steel, pulsing heavy and hot with blood. Jim's fingers trailed down, tracing along the thick vein underneath and skimming over the heavy sack. He cupped and caressed the augment's balls, sometimes reaching further down to lightly tease over the perineum. Khan made a sound that was halfway between impatience and enjoyment, and Jim smiled against his skin. He licked a warm stipe at the side of Khan's neck and then bit sharply, not enough to break the skin, but enough to leave indents with his teeth.
Khan jerked slightly in his arms and grunted. Jim felt the man's cock twitch, and when Jim finally allowed his hand to move back up, Khan was fully hard. Jim moaned softly in the back of his throat, sucking on the spot where he'd bit, worrying the skin with his teeth and licking away any sting left behind. Khan's breathing grew heavier. He began to thrust slowly in the tight channel of Jim's fist. Jim allowed it for a while, sucking hard enough to leave a mark on Khan's flesh despite how quickly the man healed. He only regretted it would probably be gone by morning when he'd be able to see it.
The augment let out a near pained groan when Jim shifted his hold to tease only the head with his fingers, squeezing around the crown with his thumb and forefinger. Precum began to leak from the slit which Jim swiped away with his thumb, coating his fingers and the head of Khan's cock with the hot fluid. Khan hissed between his teeth and reached back to grasp Jim's hip hard. Jim groaned, allowing his hips to shift forward at Khan's encouragement, rubbing his cloth covered erection against the swell of the man's ass.
Khan pushed back, rubbing his ass against Jim's cock. His fingers gripped the light fabric covering Jim then started to tug his sleep pants down impatiently. Jim did his best to help without letting go of Khan, lifting his hips and pulling with his spare hand, until the thin material was bunched down around his thighs. Khan's clothing was given the same treatment and soon Jim's cock was sliding, warm and welcoming between the augment's thighs, the head brushing the back of Khan's scrotum as he slowly thrust.
His lover let out an approving sigh, thrusting into Jim's hand and tilting his head back against him. Jim kissed Khan's shoulder, licked beneath his ear, then lightly nipped at his jaw. Khan tilted his head and Jim felt the man's warm breath panting against his lips before Jim kissed him properly. The lazy slide of their tongues against one another and teeth against swollen lips made both men groan. Not being able to see, only being able to hear, feel, smell, and taste seemed to make every sensation more intense. He could feel Khan's pleasure through the bond they shared and knew Khan could feel his. He gripped Khan's hip hard with his other hand, stroking harder and faster as he felt him nearing orgasm.
Khan's groan, when he came, sounded somewhere between relief and pain, and the sound made Jim gasp breathlessly. His lover's semen was burning hot against his fingers, and Jim slowed his strokes to draw out Khan's pleasure as he milked him. A few more thrusts between the older man's strong thighs, tight and already slick with sweat and precum, and Jim was spilling as well. His teeth found the sensitive bruise he'd already left on Khan's neck and sank in again, drawing out another deep resonating groan of pleasure from the man in his arms.
Jim panted against Khan's shoulder and trailed his slick fingers up his stomach. When he reached Khan's chest he could feel the augment's heart beating hard and fast, but not like it had been before when he woke. Jim let out a soft sigh and pressed a few more tender kisses to Khan's neck, enjoying their quiet and closeness while he could, knowing that Khan would become impatient with the 'cuddling' soon enough.
As he predicted, Khan was soon drawing away. Jim felt the bed shift as Khan sat up and he heard the soft rustling sound of the disposable wipes as Khan cleaned himself off. Then he felt one of the wipes, a clean one thankfully, hit him in the face and Jim laughed in spite of himself.
"How the hell do you do that?" he asked; Khan's aim was impeccable, even in the dark.
Khan didn't answer but Jim could feel his amusement. It was really too bad that he had to ruin it, because this was part of the deal as well.
"Do you want to talk now?" Jim asked as casually as possible as he started to clean up. Most of the time Khan said no. Jim never tried to push him if that was the answer. He knew Khan needed to do this in his own time in his own way. And, if that was the case, usually they'd share a shower or go back to sleep for a few more hours, or sometimes Khan would initiate another round of sex, which definitely wasn't a hardship for Jim.
But then sometimes, Khan surprised him.
"Tell me about Tarsus IV." Apparently tonight was one of those nights. Jim froze at Khan's words, and even though they were casual, an offer rather than an order or demand, he still felt himself go cold and ridged with tension.
Jim swallowed audibly then cleared his throat. Slowly sitting up, he tossed the used wipe in the direction of the wastebasket. He had no idea if he made it or not, nor did he really care, he still couldn't see anything in the dark room. Not even Khan's silhouette, though he swore he could feel the augment's eyes on him. Jim heard the rumble of thunder again in the distance, but this time it sounded ominous rather than welcoming. He cleared his throat again before he spoke.
"How do you know about that?" It was one of the many questions that had been burning inside him unasked ever since he'd seen the recreation of his own private hell inside of Khan's mind. Khan had stated over and over that he was not telepathic, but somehow he had dug out Jim's worst memory and thrown it back in his face in an attempt to deter him from probing any deeper into his mind. Jim hadn't asked how Khan had done it. Maybe he hadn't really wanted to know. He would have rather forgot the entire experience, to be honest. But now that Khan had brought it up again unexpectedly, Jim felt anger blossoming inside his chest.
Khan was silent for several heartbeats before Jim heard him move again. Realizing what the augment intended, Jim reached out quickly to grab the man's wrist, stopping him from turning on the light. The abrupt move had caused Khan to stiffen beside him but he slowly relaxed and Jim released him. Khan sighed.
"I'm not the only one who has nightmares, Kirk," Khan finally said softly. Jim hadn't been expecting that. He'd thought Khan had been referring to…but apparently not. Of course Jim had been having nightmares. How could he not with all the shit Khan had stirred up in his head when he'd been in the augment's mind. He just hadn't thought that Khan had noticed… Which was probably just stupid on his part. Khan not notice something? Right.
"So you expect me to talk about my nightmares when you won't talk about yours?" Jim snapped unintentionally, anger finally winning out over shock. Jim started to get up but Khan quickly shifted their positions so now the augment was holding his wrist, halting him, but not restraining him, his grip loose enough that Jim could pull away if he wanted to.
"No. I don't expect that," Khan replied and there was meaning loaded in those soft words.
"If I talk to you about my nightmares, you'll talk to me about yours?" Jim asked just to confirm.
"Yes," Khan's simple answer nearly floored him. Jim hadn't expected that and he knew Khan would keep his word. If Jim agreed to it… So far, Khan had resisted all of Jim's and the betazoids efforts to get him to talk about what had happened to him. This was a huge step. But was this a price that Jim was willing pay? In a way he supposed it was 'fair'. He was asking Khan to break open the festering wounds in his own psyche. To share some of his worst experiences in hopes that it would release some of the sickness that was poisoning his soul and destroying his mind. Shouldn't Jim be able to do the same?
Jim sighed heavily.
"All right…" Jim relented, doing his best to swallow down his anger and shore up his courage for what was to come. "What do you already know?"
"Nothing. Except how it makes you feel."
"Then how did you… ? When I was in your mind I saw it, exactly the way it was when I was a child," Jim said in confusion.
"I do not entirely understand what the betazoids did to allow you into my mind, even though I've asked them to explain it. I was not aware of what was happening on a conscious level. What was left of my defenses were acting instinctively, drawing on your worst fears in an attempt to force you to retreat. Your mind provided the details, I only caught the barest glimpses despite the strength of our connection." Khan's explanation made some of Jim's anger fade in spite of everything, knowing that at least the man had not done it intentionally.
Jim nodded even though he wasn't sure if Khan could actually see him or not.
"Tarsus IV was…hell. I was only a kid at the time. My mother sent me to live with relatives there when I couldn't stay on Earth anymore. Long story. Anyway, at first it felt like a punishment. Then I started to actually like it there. But then…something happened. Crops started dying. The food stores were destroyed. People were going to starve. Starfleet couldn't send help in time… At least that's what we were told. Sometimes I wonder if anyone even bothered to call for help at all. Anyway, only about half the colonists were going to survive the famine, so the governor, Kodos, decided which half that would be. I wasn't part of that half." As Jim related the story, he spoke as dispassionately as possible, as though it was something that had happened to someone else, not him. But Khan could not be so easily fooled. Not with his empathy. Jim hissed between his teeth when he realized Khan's hand had been slowly tightening around his wrist in response to his inner turmoil.
Khan released him abruptly as soon as he made a sound, of course, but Jim caught his hand and wove their fingers together, needing something to ground him or he wasn't going to be able to get through this.
"It was… We were vermin to them. Vermin that needed to be exterminated. We weren't good enough. Weren't worth dying for. When they started killing people, I ran. I hid. I did whatever I had to, to survive." Jim closed his eyes, his voice growing softer but still audible. "Eventually I came across others. Kids even younger than me. It was dangerous to stay together. Easier for the patrols to find us. But we didn't want to be alone either. Strength in numbers, right? It wasn't much, but it was something. We knew better than to trust any of the adults. We'd all seen what some people were willing to do to survive. I wasn't much different... I killed, I stole, I…sold myself for food. I'm not proud of some of the things I did, but I tried to help the younger kids when I could. I shared most of what I could get. I wanted to die so many times, but the others were depending on me, and I couldn't let that bastard Kodos win."
"Enough." Khan's voice was too loud and too sharp and it made Jim flinch. But then the man's hands were on his face, drawing him in, and Jim didn't try to fight it. Khan's lips found his and Jim let them part to welcome the tongue that invaded his mouth as though to claim every inch of him. As though Khan was attempting to suck the pain right out of him, and Jim was willing to let him try. He tasted salt on his lips and tongue and didn't know whose tears it was from nor did he care. Khan wrapped his arms around his body hard enough that Jim's ribs ached, and Jim returned the favor by digging his nails into the older man's back hard enough to draw blood.
Jim was panting and felt lightheaded by the time Khan finally allowed him to take a breath, but the augment remained close enough that Jim could feel the movement of his lips when he spoke. "You are…remarkable."
Jim let out a harsh laugh.
"I was stupid, and lucky…"
"Luck is often a combination of preparation and opportunity," Khan replied, kissing him again, softer this time. "And modesty does not become you."
Jim snorted softly in amusement, even though the sound was a little wet.
"You could try it some time," he teased earning a scoff from the super-human.
"Dull."
Jim laughed quietly and ran his hands apologetically over the other man's shoulders. "I'm exhausted. I think I'm ready to sleep now if you are."
"I thought…" Khan started, but Jim kissed him to silence him.
"Only if you want to. Otherwise, raincheck?"
"Very well," Khan agreed and then rolled them both back onto the bed and pressed himself between Jim's legs. Khan kissed him again deeply then worked his way slowly down Jim's body, exploring nearly every inch of him with his lips and tongue. When Khan's mouth finally closed around his cock, Jim cried out as he tangled his fingers in the augment's soft dark hair. He definitely wasn't complaining about Khan's choice method of distracting him.