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"Hey, Buck. Can we talk?"
Bucky's heart nearly stopped. Those were never good words to hear. He knew things had been a little weird between them ever since - well, since he was the Soldier. Steve could go on about how much he means to him, but he knew Steve's feelings for him couldn't possibly be… They're not the same. Not like they used to be.
It's so early it's still dark out, but Bucky has to leave or he'll be late. And this is one time he absolutely cannot be late.
He can't leave just yet, though. He and Steve had said their goodbyes last night, but that was what they could get away with in public. Bucky wants, no needs, to have a proper goodbye. He needs Steve to know, just in case… In case he never comes home.
He walks over to Steve's bed and gently wakes him. Steve smiles when he opens his eyes and Bucky's heart damn near breaks.
"What time is it? Don't you have to get going?" Steve asks, voice still groggy with sleep.
Bucky lets his head fall. "Yeah, but I just.. I wanted.." his voice is starting to crack and he has to take a breath to steady himself.
"Buck?" Steve sits up to be eye level with him.
Bucky lifts his head to look Steve in the eyes. "You know I love you."
Steve's face softens and he lowers his own voice. "Of course I do, you goon. I love you too."
Bucky takes a deep breath. "I just wanted to make sure I told you one more time. In case.. in case I never get to again."
Steve cups Bucky's face in his hands and gently presses their lips together, longer than a peck but not so long as to get out of hand. "No talking like that. You're coming home, got it? Even if I have to march over there and drag you back myself. Now get out of here before I change my mind and keep you here."
Bucky pushes forward and kisses Steve again, not so chastely. "I love you, punk."
"I love you too, jerk."
"Bucky?"
Bucky realized he zoned out and then nodded, going to sit next to Steve on the couch. He swallowed thickly. "What's up?"
Steve sighed. "You know tomorrow I'm going to go and bring all the stones back, yeah? Well, I think I'd like to retire after that. You having some peace in Wakanda made me a little jealous," he laughed.
You could have joined me Bucky's brain immediately supplied for him. Except no, that's not true, for several reasons; Bucky not trusting himself yet being the biggest reason. He couldn't do that to Steve. Bucky's mouth felt dry. "So what's the plan?"
"Settle down. Give someone else the shield. Just because I want to be the old man I am doesn't mean there shouldn't be a Captain America," Steve said as if that was the obvious answer. He studied Bucky's face carefully, trying to read into his reaction.
Bucky thought about Steve settling down, finally 'coming home from the war' and getting to have the life he always deserved. His stomach clenched when he realized he didn't see himself in that picture like he used to, once upon a time. He swallowed and tried to change the subject.
"Wilson. You should give it to him. He's been your literal wing man while I… wasn't," Bucky forced out, looking down at his own lap.
"Buck, please stop blaming yourself for something that was done to you. I know that I can't possibly imagine how you feel about everything, and I won't pretend to. But you deserve forgiveness, whether you think so or not."
A few moments of silence passed between them before Bucky finally said, voice quiet, "I'll.. try."
Steve pulled Bucky into a tight hug then, grateful that maybe they could start healing the rift that was between them. He'd considered for a brief moment maybe staying back in the past and seeking out Peggy, but that idea quickly vanished with this moment and having Bucky in his arms. There was no way, after everything they'd been through, that he would leave Bucky now.
He finally pulled back after a few minutes though still kept his hands on Bucky, desperate for the physical contact between them. They hadn't been together since the night before Bucky fell from the train in '45. The couple years after the Fall of the Triskelion were a stressful mess of dead end leads trying to find Bucky; and then the couple years Bucky had in Wakanda, Steve just wanted to give him space. He'd visited a few times, but they'd been just friendly to each other. Any time Steve tried to have a deeper conversation about them and where they stood he saw Bucky's unease and immediately stopped.
One thing Steve knew for sure though was that he loved Bucky, and he had never stopped.
Bucky and all the other POWs are given a couple weeks leave after returning from the Hydra prison camp. Some go home to see their mommas or their wives, some stay in London to relax and enjoy the locals. Bucky writes a letter to his parents and sisters letting them know he's alive and okay, but for him, Steve is home.
The first night that they're given rooms above a pub to sleep in instead of cots on the base, Steve pulls Bucky into his room, giving everyone else some terribly bad excuse of why they need privacy. Once the door is closed and locked, Steve crowds Bucky against the door and kisses him fiercely.
Bucky has to tilt his head up the slightest bit to kiss Steve and he notices how different that feels. When Steve pulls away it's barely an inch and he rests his forehead against Bucky's. "I've been waiting too damn long to do that."
Bucky smirks up at him. "And here I was startin'a think all your new fame made ya forget about me."
Steve laughs and shakes his head. "I went behind enemy lines, by myself, on the slim chance you weren't dead, jerk. Only reason I didn't fuck you against a wall right then and there was the whole running for our lives part."
Bucky bites his lip as he looks at Steve, pupils blown with want. "And Agent Carter?" he asks, a hint of jealousy in his voice.
Steve falters at the mention of Peggy and his cheeks flush a little. "Well, she's.. She's something special. And yeah, I like her. But.. she's also not you."
Bucky grabs Steve’s tie and pulls him into another kiss, possessive and needy all at once. "Well what the fuck are you waiting for?" he whispers against Steve’s lips, and Steve practically growls with desire.
Steve decided he didn’t want to keep putting off the conversation that needed to happen between them. If Bucky didn’t want to be with him, he needed to know that just as much as he needed to know if they could be a thing again. And if Bucky did want them to be together but he wasn’t ready yet, that was also vital information. Steve just couldn’t stand the holding pattern between them anymore.
Then Steve remembered so many times throughout their lives when words weren’t necessary. A touch, a kiss, a hug, a look, they could communicate rather effectively without a sound. So Steve decided to take a leap of faith. He started to lean in slowly, making his intentions very obvious to give Bucky an out. If this was something he didn’t want, he could pull away and Steve would let him go. Bucky didn’t pull away though, sitting very still, and his eyes briefly flicked down to Steve’s lips before looking back up into his eyes. Steve kept leaning closer and then stopped a couple inches away from his face, silently checking one last time for consent.
Bucky nodded, almost imperceptibly, and Steve closed the remaining distance between them and pressed his lips to Bucky’s. After a few seconds of Bucky still not pulling away, Steve brought his hand up to rest on the crook of Bucky’s neck, gently holding him there while he moved to deepen the kiss. To his pleasant surprise not only did Bucky let him, but he also brought up his hand to rest on Steve’s shoulder. He pulled Steve just the slightest bit closer and then rested his other hand on Steve’s other shoulder, as if leaning onto him for support as they kissed.
The kiss probably only lasted 10-15 seconds before Steve pulled away not wanting to push too far; but it had been enough to know everything he needed. First, that he loved Bucky and wanted him back, like this. There was still something there and it was worth fighting for. He would not let any more time slip away from them if he could help it. And secondly, it seemed Bucky was willing to try at the very least. He’d been tentative but then he leaned into it, and it reminded Steve a little of the first time they’d kissed, on Steve’s 15th birthday. So Steve decided that once he got back from returning the stones, he was going to work on building a life here with Bucky, just like they used to have.
The kiss also told Bucky everything he needed to know. He’d kept himself closed off, terrified that if he opened up to Steve, he would just lose him. Bucky had been through so much, if Steve rejected him he thought that would be the final straw to completely break him. When Steve leaned in to kiss him he let himself hope, for a brief moment, that maybe they could be okay. He couldn’t stop himself from pulling Steve closer, desperate to hold onto the moment. And then Steve pulled away, and Bucky felt his heart sink. He understood - Steve was saying goodbye. Bucky was too broken, too different. They’d had love once and Bucky had lost it. Steve was going to return the stones, and he wasn’t coming back.