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Sunday
Hello. You have reached the voicemail of "Mycroft Holmes." Please leave a message.
(Beep.)
Sir, this is Agent Elmasri, reporting from… er, reporting in, Sir. The doctor and I have arrived safely and will join the others for the orientation in an hour. The doctor seems to be in a rather good mood and said he's especially looking forward to the obstacle course on Tuesday afternoon. He said he hopes they have dustbins. Apparently those always give him trouble.
He also said you're not going to bribe him into talking your… er, the flatmate into taking another case for you. If the pouting hadn't been so bad, he never would have left London. I didn't comment on that, but, Sir, please allow me to thank you again for giving me this opportunity. I've heard a lot about these courses and appreciate the chance to improve my skills.
I will report daily as ordered. Please be assured that the doctor will be kept safe at all times.
~~~
(Beep.)
Simmons. I've taken up position in the flat opposite the target's own for observation. There's enough detritus here to make it look like the waiting area at Heathrow's terminal 3. If this is from our own guys, they should be disciplined. You could, say, put them on a real unpopular assignment. Just a suggestion. Sir.
If this isn't from our own people, we should tighten security. I can track at least eight different people in the last two months alone, and those are just the sloppy ones. Someone's carved IOU into the windowsill. It's a marble windowsill. They must've been really bored. Can't imagine why.
The target left the sofa twice today. Both times in the direction of the bathroom. No further activity to report. He just lay there with his face pressed into the armrest and stared at the coffee table. Bit creepy.
But then I suppose you'd know, wouldn't you. Sir.
~~~
Monday
Hello. You have reached the voicemail of "Mycroft Holmes." Please leave a message.
(Beep.)
Sir, this is Agent Elmasri reporting in. The orientation yesterday went well, though some members of MI6 didn't seem too happy to see us there. They seem to think these training exercises aren't suitable for civilians. The doctor very politely informed them that he used to serve and they backed off a little, but I'm keeping an eye on them.
Today we learned how to escape from various forms of bondage. Um. The doctor did surprisingly well with the handcuffs, but was rather hopeless when it came to any sort of knot. I suggested he take up carrying a pocket knife or some sort of device to help him get out of sticky situations. He said he wasn't 'that kind of doctor.'
I've no idea what he was talking about.
~~~
(Beep.)
Simmons. Target spent the morning drinking his way through twenty-seven different brands of tea. He made extensive notes, presumably on flavour and whatever it is people look for in their tea.
Since no one saw fit to provide me with coffee OR food, I went to the sarnie place across the street. Unfortunately, I met the landlady there. I've no idea how she identified me as one of yours, but she invited me in for some, and I quote, 'proper food, you poor thing.' I declined, but she insisted. She made me toast.
Even more unfortunately, the target wandered into her kitchen while I was still there. He was looking for coffee, but the moment he saw me I swear he got this gleam in his eyes. He rattled off several details about me that were of a very personal nature and used them to cast aspersions on my character. About the only thing he didn't insult was my skin colour. I'm not sure if that's a line he won't overstep or if he simply didn't think it enough of a challenge.
The landlady apologised on his behalf and made me some sarnies to take back to my spot. Target spent the afternoon repeating the tea experiment with a spoonful of sugar. Riveting, I'm sure.
~~~
Tuesday
Hello. You have reached the voicemail of "Mycroft Holmes." Please leave a message.
(Beep.)
Sir, this is Agent Elmasri. The obstacle course went well, though the doctor and I aren't among the top teams. He really does have a problem with certain types of urban barrier. I've never seen anyone go down with a wheelie bin like that. He's great at vaulting fences, but I'm afraid the MI6 blokes started to call him Oscar. After the Sesame Street character?
I admit I was a bit offended on the doctor's behalf. If not sympathy, then the least he deserves is a little respect. He may be a civilian now, but he was honourably discharged and I can't imagine his life got any quieter since he got back, what with running around after your… with, er, with the way he's assisting his flatmate.
Um. No offence. Sir.
~~~
(Beep.)
Simmons. As per your orders, I've taken up position inside the flat. The target is just as thrilled about that as I am. He implied some less than flattering things about your character, but I'm sure he didn't mean it like that. Sir.
I helped the landlady clean up a bit. Turns out watching the target stare at the ceiling for five hours straight is even more boring up close. At least outside, there were pigeons. In here, there's nothing. The target refuses to talk to me. The only reaction I got was when I sat down in the armchair with the Union Jack pillow. The target glared at me, then stomped off into his bedroom. No sound from there for the rest of the day.
Request permission to go home and fetch my Kindle. I'm bored.
~~~
Wednesday
Hello. You have reached the voicemail of "Oh, look, is that a chocolate éclair?" Please leave a message.
(Beep.)
Er. This is… Agent Elmasri? Sir, I think your brother hacked your voicemail? Again?
Anyway, the doctor seems to have entered into some sort of feud with the blokes from MI6. It was track-and-trace today and we did really well… you know my specialties, Sir, and the doctor is very good at picking out details which he says he learned from his flatmate… but someone called the doctor his flatmate's sniffer dog and someone else said that Arabian dogs were rather well-known for their keen vision, and the doctor… He took offence.
A lot.
As did I, frankly, but I didn't challenge the whole team from MI6 to a shooting match and invite them to bring their laser scopes if they didn't feel up to the task. They said they did. The doctor said so their eyesight wasn't that inferior after all, then. They said he could kiss their pale arses. He said that if they win on Friday, he and I will gladly kiss any arses presented to us.
Sir. This assignment. Is it a punishment for something? Only, I'd really like to know what I did wrong, so I can avoid doing it again.
Ever.
~~~
(Beep.)
Simmons. Your visit today didn't go over well, in case you hadn't noticed. He's been plucking and sawing away on that violin ever since. Screeching cats are more soothing to the ears. The landlady escaped to her neighbour. Lucky, lucky woman.
Target still isn't talking to me, so I decided to go snooping instead. Make a few observations of my own. Did you know his sock drawer is sorted by material rather than colour? Interesting thing is, the flatmate's sock drawer looks exactly the same. Also, the target's underwear drawer contains pants in two different sizes. I'm not implying anything, but it's terribly interesting all the same.
Target's unimpressed stare when I told him was almost as good as your own. Sir.
~~~
Thursday
Hello. You have reached the voicemail of "Mycroft Holmes." Please leave a message.
(Beep.)
Sir, this is Agent Elmasri. Today's exercises were on stealth and creating a cover identity. I… had no idea the doctor was such a convincing liar. He told me to go a little over the top and just sort of… blended into the background. It was very impressive. MI6 made fun of him for hiding behind a woman, of course, but he just gave them very short answers and I saw two of them taking notes on how he did it. As the woman he was certainly NOT hiding behind, I admit I took offence myself at some of their most… er, outlandish suggestions, so now the match tomorrow has taken on a more personal meaning for me as well.
I apologise for losing my temper like that, Sir. I'll accept any disciplinary measures you find suitable.
The doctor said to ask you if we could perhaps stay another week. Apparently his flatmate stopped his sulking and left several messages to ask about pH and skin care products. The doctor said he wasn't risking his tongue to self-combusting toothpaste again. I told him toothpaste isn't a skin care product. He just nodded and said, 'Exactly.' Then he looked a little homesick.
The doctor's life must be very odd.
~~~
(Beep.)
Simmons. I'm not sure what happened, but if the target isn't bipolar then at least he's doing a good job of pretending to be. He was very energetic today.
As per your instructions, I cooperated with any requests that didn't seem harmful. Target took full advantage. He sent me out thirteen times to get him body butter, self-tan lotion, face wash, bath salts, almond oil, rose oil, jojoba oil, sensual and aphrodisiac body oil, baby powder, hair spray, cotton pads, underarm pads, and Mama Mio Tummy Rub Stretch Mark Butter. He's been heating and mixing and making notes all day.
I've no idea what exactly he's doing, but he keeps grinning.
I'd like to go back to the empty flat across the street now, Sir. Please.
~~~
Friday
Hello. You have reached the voicemail of "Mycroft Holmes." Please leave a message.
(Beep.)
This is Agent Elmasri and MI6 IS TOAST! We so took them down! The doctor did some BEAUTIFUL shooting and I hit all my marks and WE KICKED THEIR PALE ARSES YES WE DID!
Hell no I'm not waiting to make this call when I'm sober! I'm not planning to stop drinking until waaayyyyy after midnight an' I have to report in every day. Oi! Next round's on me, losers! MI6 IS MY BITCH!
Best. Assignment. Ever.
Sir.
~~~
(Beep.)
Simmons.
He… I don't know what he did. The fire's out. We're fine. I think. Bit woozy. Carpet's a goner, but the target only got a little singed. He's still grinning.
Look. Sir.
I'm very sorry I broke that ashtray. I'm sure those Czech crystal ones are hard to come by. Even when you're the Queen. Or the British Government. I didn't mean to break it. I apologise.
But for god's sake, Sir, get me out of here and get the flatmate back in before this freak kills us all.
~~~
Saturday
Hello. You have reached the voicemail of "Booooored." Please leave a message.
(Beep.)
Mycroft, I broke your toy. Get me a new one.
~~~
Hello. You have reached the voicemail of "John Watson." Please leave a message.
(Beep.)
John, this is Mycroft. Surely your request for a week's extension was made in jest. Agent Elmasri has already received your train tickets for your return later to…
(someone whispering in the background; the words 'explosion' and 'refuses to return to England' might be mentioned)
I'm sending a helicopter. Be ready in half an hour.