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Written by: NC Fics (N0Connections)
☕️V☕️
Dear V,
I am in love! From the moment I laid eyes on her, I just knew we belonged together. The only problem is, I can’t afford her. She costs way too much money, and I can’t ask my uncle to buy her for me. He already works way too hard, and can’t even afford his own bed. I mean he could, but he gave it to me. My point is, I need cash, but no one wants to hire the town freak.
Sincerely,
Broke and Alone
P.S. I also could do with a few less bullies, but the main concern is the B.C. Rich Warlock
P.P.S. You knew I was talking about buying a guitar and not a human, right? Sorry if that made me sound like some creepy psycho killer.
Dear Broke and Alone,
What you need is a job that isn’t strictly sponsored by Uncle Sam. Consider the art of selling drugs to minors. Is it illegal? Only if you get caught. Bonus, bullies tend to leave their supplier alone.
That’s the tea,
Thirsty V
P.S. Don’t worry, You don’t come across as a creepy psycho killer any more than I do.
P.P.S. I would love to hear you play some time.
☕️V☕️
Dear V,
I’m the king of the world, or at least Hawkins High. But everyone knows a King is only as good as his crown—and my best friend told me that mine looks like my mommy styled it. He’s an ass, but he’s kind of right. How can I take my hair to the next level?
Sincerely,
Your Highness
Dear Your Highness,
I know the whole purpose of the Dear V letters is for you to remain anonymous, but I took the liberty of looking up your address because what I am about to tell you is top secret. Don’t worry, if you keep my secret I will keep yours.
Not many people know this, but I used to have some pretty luscious locks back in the day myself. I’m feeling generous so I’m going to let you in on a secret. And listen: keep this a secret or I will haunt your friends, destroy them, and make you watch. Heh heh, just kidding.
Buy yourself a couple bottles of Faberge Organics. You will need both the shampoo and conditioner. Now for the secret ingredient. When your hair’s damp—not wet, DAMP—use four puffs of the Farrah Fawcett spray. It will change your life.
That’s the tea,
Thirsty V
P.S. I am familiar with some of your parties, and you have a fantastic pool. I would love to sink into it some day.
☕️V☕️
Dear V,
My best friend wants to drag me to a stupid party on a Tuesday. I don’t want to let my friend down, but I also think we should just stay home and study. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Book Worm
Dear Book Worm,
It sounds like you do plenty of studying! Go out and support your friend. Life is short, so live a little while you can. Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen?
That’s the tea,
Thirsty V
☕️V☕️
Dear V,
My preteen daughter is hormonal and has superpowers. How do I keep her calm, but remain in control?
Sincerely,
In Over my Head
Dear In Over My Head,
All of your problems will be solved in a heartbeat once you open the lines of communication. Just kidding, you sir are totally fucked. Don’t keep breakable knick knacks on the shelves, and invest in some pillows.
That’s the tea,
Thirsty V
☕️V☕️
Dear V,
I thought summer meant a break from high-school assholes, but now I’m stuck working with one. If I’m being honest, he actually hasn’t been that bad. He’s made me laugh on several occasions, and he seems kinda… nice? Especially around children. Maybe he’s changed? The thing is, I’m worried that it’s all an act, and if I let my guard down, he’ll turn on me once he really gets to know me.
Sincerely,
Cautious Colleague
Dear Cautious Colleague,
Why risk it! He may be acting nice, but that’s also what villains do to gain your trust. I find that the best defense is a good offense. Find this guy’s insecurities, and remind him of them every chance you get. Keep tally! He won’t get to know you, and you won’t get hurt. You’ve got nothing to lose. After all, even if he has changed, it’s not like you were going to become best friends with the guy.
That’s the tea,
Thirsty V
☕️V☕️
Dear V,
I’ve been away all summer, and as soon as I got home, my friends all abandoned me! The thing is, after my friends left, I discovered something truly incredible. Should I share it with them? My feelings are hurt, but they are still my friends. Plus, I could really use their help.
Sincerely,
Lonely Genius
Dear Lonely Genius,
Who needs friends like that! In my experience, people like us with superior minds are better off working independently. The alternative is constantly wasting precious time, explaining what you already know. Take it from someone who knows, it’s important to always look out for number one. You seem smart; I’m sure you will be just fine without their help.
That’s the tea,
Thirsty V
☕️V☕️
Dear V,
I really want a Nintendo, but my unreasonable parents said no, unless I buy it myself. I’m 11. How the hell am I supposed to come up with that kind of money???
Sincerely,
Duck Huntless
Dear Duck Huntless,
If your parents are strict enough to deny you the simple joys of brain-rot through video games, they probably have other totally absurd restrictions. Do you have any siblings—preferably ones who are sweet in that easy to take advantage of way? Start charging them a fee in exchange for your valuable service of keeping them out of trouble.
That’s the tea,
Thirsty V
☕️V☕️
Dear V,
Lately I can’t shake these headaches, and now my nose has started bleeding. Is this normal? Should I see a doctor?
Sincerely,
Getting Worried
Dear Getting Worried,
Sorry for the delayed response, my second job is taking up a lot of my time. I wouldn’t worry about it. Maybe just wait it out a little longer.
That’s the tea,
Thirsty V