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Phil was not expecting to come home to tears tonight. He’d thought they’d all adjusted to the new normal and the marathon crying sessions were a thing of the past.
Taking custody of Barney’s five year old son just a few years after getting together with Clint had not been part of Phil’s plan; but, one look at Clint’s heartbroken face when the social worker told him that the nephew he didn’t even know he had was going to be put into foster care because Barney was going to jail, had been enough to make Phil want to move mountains to make sure his boy never looked that way again.
When they first took custody of Barney Junior, there had been a lot of tears. He threw temper tantrums about everything, he cried if they held him, he screamed if they didn’t. He wailed on them with his fists and threw toys instead of playing with them.
But the first time Phil fed him a grilled cheese sandwich, he smacked his little lips together and stopped crying. It was the first quiet Phil had heard all day and for the first time since coming to stay with them, Barney finished his entire meal. Trial and error quickly taught Phil that Barney loved anything with cheese in it, so Phil learned to make copious amounts of new cheesy recipes.
The next breakthrough came when Clint gave Barney a touch and feel picture book all about dogs. The little guy was mesmerized and traced his finger over every page. He took the book to bed with him that night and within a week the apartment was full of dog themed toys and books. Clint would get down on the floor with Barney and pretend to be a puppy until little Barney’s peals of giggles filled the apartment. Phil soon decided that the sound of Clint and Barney laughing together was the happiest noise on earth.
Clint started taking Barney out to the park every day and they always found at least one dog to pet and came home exhausted. Phil enjoyed the silence of being home and made sure that snacks were ready for them when they returned. SHIELD had given them both six months parental leave, but after the first three, Phil was more than ready to go back to work.
Clint on the other hand was happy to continue staying home with Barney. Phil still did most of the cooking, but Clint took over the rest of the housework and settled in to being a stay-at-home-dad. So over time, Clint and Phil adjusted to the little person in their life and their new balance. Phil was happy in a way he’d never really expected to be. As a gay man who was past his prime long before the pendulum of acceptance began to swing his way, he’d never considered that he could have a family. He loved his sister and his nieces and nephews and he’d always loved kids, but the possibility of having something like that for himself just wasn’t something he had ever let himself think about.
But now that he had it… now that he knew what it was like for the place where he lived to really feel like a home, to be filled with the people he loved... now he knew he’d never feel whole again if he lost either of them.
So, overall, things were going well, and Phil thought the days of coming home to find Barney in inconsolable tears was a thing of the past. But when Phil opened the door, the cries were deafening and if Barney’s red face and Clint’s tired eyes were any clue, it had been going on for a long time.
Phil loosened his tie and joined Clint and Barney on the couch. Clint leaned into him, obviously exhausted, but Barney didn’t seem to even notice Phil was there. Phil tried to take Barney on to his lap, but Barney started to kick and squirm even more so Phil let him stay on Clint’s lap.
With a quick kiss to Clint’s cheek, Phil got up to go try and find Barney’s favorite stuffed dog. Barney still didn’t talk well and sometimes he found it easier to talk to the stuffed animals instead of talking to either him or Clint. Barney’s distraught cries followed Phil through his search and Phil felt a pang of guilt for leaving Clint home alone with this for hours while he was at work.
The stuffed dog was in Barney’s room (the same room that had once belonged to Clint all those years ago) under the bed. With the aid of a clothes hanger, Phil fished it out and returned to living room. Phil crouched down in front of Barney and held the dog up.
In a comically gruff voice, Phil said, “Mr. Woffy missed you.”
There was a brief pause in Barney’s sobbing and he reached out a trembling hand to pat his favorite toy.
Clint gave Phil an encouraging smile, so Phil continued. “Mr. Woffy had a bad day today. Did you have a bad day too?”
Barney nodded and curled up even smaller into himself.
Phil said, “Can you tell Mr. Woffy what happened?”
Barney rubbed at his eyes and then pulled the little dog way from Phil so he could cuddle the toy himself.
Barney mumbled into the dog’s ear, “De oder kids was mean.”
It had taken Phil longer than Clint to start understanding what Barney said because he mumbled a lot and pronounced his words oddly, but in the few short months he’d been with Phil and Clint he’d already started making a lot of progress. Phil said, “Can you tell Mr. Woffy what they did?”
Barney said, “Dey said me was stupid ‘cause I talk bad.”
Then the tears started up again in earnest, but this time instead of curling into himself, he snuggled into Clint and he didn’t squirm away when Clint pulled him even closer.
Phil climbed up on to the couch with them both and together they held Barney close until he had cried himself to sleep in sheer exhaustion.
In a hushed voice, Clint said, “I tried the Mr. Woofy thing too when we first got home. He tried to rip his head off and threw him all the way across the room.”
Phil put a consoling arm around Clint. He knew how hard it was to feel so helpless when someone you loved was in pain and to have all your efforts to help not work. Phil kissed him on top of his head and whispered, “I know you did your best. He probably just wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.”
Clint said, “Do you think we should get him some speech therapy? I know he’s been getting better, but maybe he needs more help than we can give him?”
Phil kissed him again. “Leave it to me. I’ll find someone to help him.”
Clint nodded and snuggled closer into Phil’s arms. “And I’ll talk to his teacher tomorrow. Make sure she knows what’s going on.”
Phil said, “Do you think we should wake him up for dinner?”
Clint said, “Let’s let him sleep for a while first. He was so upset when we left school today. I think he held it all in while he was there. He didn’t cry until after we were off the property and walking home.”
Phil shifted how they were sitting so he could take Barney into his arms and then stood up. “Let me tuck him into bed. You look exhausted yourself.”
Clint blinked up at Phil and said with a sleepy smile. “Will you tuck me in next?”
Phil couldn’t help but smile down at him. Even after all these years, Clint could still get his heart racing with just a smile. “I’ll tuck you in and then I’ll join you. It was a long day for me too.”
Clint stood and stretched. “We’re a tired family, aren’t we?”
Phil was suddenly too choked up to respond because Clint was right. It was something Phil had never thought he would have, but now he did. Him, Clint, and Barney Junior: they were a family.