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It is a Saturday, and Sirius is late for studying. This is nothing new, Sirius is often late to studying because he really does not want to do it, but Remus told him he had to and Sirius knew better than to argue so here he is, walking to the library on a Saturday afternoon.
He is in a bad mood.
His mother sent another howler this morning that he managed to hold off until he got to an empty classroom before it exploded with shouting about how horrible he is, and then he spilled juice on his favorite shirt, and now he has to spend a very nice and sunny afternoon studying for exams he truly doesn’t care about. Any of the ones that are important he already knows he will pass, and who cares about History of Magic?
When he gets to the library, Pete and James are sitting at their usual table. Remus is not there, and he takes a second to spot him standing in a stack of books, and he is not alone.
“Who is that?” Sirius asks as he sits down, looking over at Remus who is standing with some guy in the library, laughing. Sirius doesn’t like it, not one bit, Moony is not allowed to talk to anyone else like that, not allowed to laugh at someone else’s joke like that, let his eyes light up like that.
“No clue, he just walked up to Remus and then started talking to him. Doesn’t seem to bother Moony, though, so I let it be.”
Sirius does not like it, does not like this random fucking guy talking to Remus but, fine, okay, whatever. If Remus wants to flirt with some dumb guy, who is Sirius to stop him-
The guy touches Remus’ arm as he laughs. Remus laughs with him.
A monster hides in the shelves, bathed in green light and urging violence.
“Oh no,” James whispers, and Sirius stands up throwing his chair to the floor, and all hell breaks loose.
___________________________
Sirius has James’ second favorite quidditch sweatshirt pressed to his face, Minnie glaring at the five of them from across her desk. Nathan, because apparently, that is this guy’s name, seems infuriatingly uninjured. Sirius would like very much to bash his face into Minnie’s desk a few times.
“Can I go to the hospital wing?” Sirius tries because his nose has not stopped bleeding yet and also if he stays here, he might actually curse the fuck out of Nathan.
“No.”
There is no room for argument, and then it is quiet once again. Sirius’ face fucking hurts and Nathan is just sitting there.
“Alright, Mr. Black, explain,” Minnie orders after a few minutes, and Sirius starts to at least try to talk about why he did what he did, but when he opens his mouth, he quickly concludes that he doesn’t have any explanation, so he just closes his mouth and slumps down into his chair. Minnie does not seem happy with this. “That is not an explanation.”
“I don’t have one, can I go to the hospital wing now?” he repeats, honestly so fucking exhausted he can feel it in his bones.
“No, you will tell me why you decided to attack a student with no provocation,” Minerva argues. Sirius is angry and lightheaded, and he wants to fucking leave before he does something he will definitely regret.
“I don’t have a reason,” Sirius replies. It’s not true, they both know that, but he doesn’t want to tell her the reason when he can hardly understand it himself.
“You mean to tell me you decided to punch Mr. Rollins here for no reason at all?” Minnie asks, clearly not believing a word that is coming out of his mouth.
“Yes, that is what I am saying,” he confirms, pressing the sweatshirt harder against his nose. She looks beyond frustrated and he kind of revels in that because now she gets to feel exactly how he feels.
“Mr. Black-“
“Can I go to the hospital wing now?” he repeats for the third time.
“No! You may not leave! You will tell me why you punched Nathan, or you are going nowhere-“
“I don’t know!” he shouts, officially losing his cool, and everyone in the room goes through a different set of reactions, varying from shock in Minnie’s case to resignation in Remus’ because of course he could see this coming. No one knows a Sirius that is about to snap better than Remus, not even James. He could see the outburst coming from a mile away.
They all sit in their spots in silence for a few moments before Sirius simply stands up and walks away, leaving for his dorm and hoping he won’t pass out from the blood loss before he gets there. No one seems to follow behind, other than that monster that still hides in the shadows.
Sirius wonders if the monster is just him, watching and waiting for his moment to ruin everything like he always has. Waiting to creep in and blow up the security and safety that Sirius has just started to get back.
Go back, the monster says, Go back and finish what you started.
He is angry, overwhelmingly so, and his face hurts and why is Minnie being so fucking unreasonable?
Despite his anger at almost everyone and everything, Sirius doesn’t turn back around. He makes it to the dorm without incident, collapsing on his bed and groaning as it shifts the sweatshirt he’s been holding up to his nose.
“Pads?” Sirius hears as the door opens and in comes Remus looking far too concerned for a person who had a dude ripped away from him and punched not ten minutes ago. Sirius pulls the sweatshirt from his face and looks at Moony, and the boy goes so very soft for some reason. “You alright?”
Not the question Sirius expected, but he’ll take it over fighting. “My face hurts,” Sirius complains, despite the fact that it really is his own fault.
“I know, I’m sorry. Want me to take a look?” Remus asks, voice sweet and lovely and far more worried than Sirius deserves. “Let me at least see if it’s broken.”
Remus is sitting with his face close to Sirius’ before he has a chance to argue, hand clasped under Sirius’ chin to tilt his head as Remus pleases.
Sirius is blushing and he tells himself doesn’t know why.
“Doesn’t look broken, just bruised. I’m sure Poppy can fix it-“
“Can’t you just do it?” Sirius requests because he doesn’t wanna go anywhere now, just wants to lay here and wallow for no good reason and Remus feels so warm.
“I don’t know, Pads,” Remus replies, “Usually you’re the one healing me, not the other way round. Healing isn’t really my strength.”
“It’s just bruising. You can do bruising,” Sirius argues.
“And if I disfigure you?”
“You won’t.” Sirius has never been surer of anything in his life. Remus is far too wonderful to ever harm Sirius, even on accident.
Not that Sirius wouldn’t deserve it, given some of the things he’s done. He’s just lucky that Remus is far better than he will ever be, because if he wasn’t they would still not be speaking as they had been for the better part of six months.
Then Sirius almost died and escaped his house somehow despite not remembering how he was able to do it, and suddenly what Sirius had done no longer really mattered because Remus was right back there, sitting with Sirius as if nothing had changed. Sirius cried harder because of that than his mother almost killing him.
Which leads them back to now, softer than they had been before Sirius almost ruined everything before he was ruined himself.
“Okay,” Remus answers, still clearly hesitant but agreeing to it nonetheless because for some reason he hasn’t really said no to Sirius in quite some time. His wand raises and he takes a breath before he waves it in the air and Sirius winces before his shoulders relax. He raises his hand to touch, and it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as it had just moments before.
“See, you did wonderful,” Sirius says, feeling his nose.
“You haven’t even looked!” Remus argues, placing his hand on Sirius’ chin and looking again with even more scrutiny than before.
“I trust you, Moons. I know you did it perfectly,” Sirius replies easily, feeling far better both physically and mentally. The world is always so quiet when it’s just them, far easier to exist in. Remus’ face softens again, his worry seemingly falling away once more.
“You wanna talk about what happened, now?” Remus tries, but Sirius shakes his head lightly.
“Not now. I just wanna be here, please?” Sirius requests and Remus gives in far easier than anyone else ever would, just like he has been doing for months.
“Alright, Pads. It can wait,” Remus answers and Sirius smiles. Remus, without even realizing it, smiles back.
They never do talk about it, but that night Sirius thinks about it for hours trying to come up with any reasonable explanation for his behavior, and in the end, he always returns to the same conclusion. He, Sirius Orion Potter, is in love with Remus John Lupin. By the morning, he has definitively decided to ignore it, hoping it will go away.
Spoiler alert, it doesn’t.
___________________________
For the next year, summer included, Sirius does his very best to keep his fully realized feeling to himself. For the most part, he succeeds, with a few slips.
Like when a Ravenclaw prefect asked Remus to Hogsmeade before she suddenly tripped and went tumbling to the floor. Sirius maintains he had nothing to do with it, despite subsequently yanking Remus away before he could even help the poor girl up. Remus apologized as he was dragged away, and the girl never tried again. Sirius maintains he had nothing to do with that either. Or the seventh-year boy who kept doing that stupid flirty blinking thing every time he was in Remus’ eyeline, or the muggle girl they met that summer who said a very stupid pickup line that was almost vomit-inducing.
Remus doesn’t believe Sirius is innocent in all of those people suddenly avoiding eye contact, but he also has no intention of saying anything about it.
It’s only a week and a half into sixth year before Remus finally has enough.
Sirius flops down on Remus’ bed, ignoring the little noise of surprise that left the taller boy’s lips as he’s raised a bit higher in the air.
“You alright, mate?” James asks from the next bed over, turning his attention away from whatever homework he had been doing.
“People haven’t stopped staring all week, and usually I wouldn’t give a rat's arse,” he pauses, giving a pointed look over to Peter. The boy just rolls his eyes, a smile appearing on his lips, “but for some reason today it makes me want to hit someone.”
“Why are people looking at you?” Peter asks. Sirius props himself up on his elbows.
“Oh, sweet, beautiful, innocent Wormtail. The loveliest of us all. I hope you always maintain this level of childlike naivety,” Sirius responds.
“Fuck off, Pads,” he replies, with no actual bite to the words despite how hard the throws his pillow.
Sirius takes it right in the chest, letting out a groan and then a laugh, “Circe, Wormy. Good throw.”
“Maybe I should join the quidditch team,” he hums, his focus turning back to whatever was overtaking his bed space. Sirius grabs the pillow from his chest and sticks it under his head.
“Did you get better at flying in the past week?” Sirius replies. Peter shrugs his shoulders.
“Mmm, best not,” he answers, and Sirius laughs as he settles further into Remus’ bed.
“For your information Pete, I would assume people are staring due to the smear campaign my mother has been putting in the Prophet for the past few weeks.” It was honestly ridiculous. She was playing any and every card she could in advance of the announcement of Regulus taking over the part of heir. Sirius didn’t mind any of the stupid fucking stories, as long as Regulus was spared from torment. “The woman is mad, honestly. Disgraced Black Heir seen with known prostitute in Hogsmeade, I mean not only is that just ridiculous, but does she honestly think I care what people who read prophet think of me? I just want them to stop staring, have their thoughts in private.”
It goes quiet for a second, James looking away from his parchment, making eye contact with Remus.
“Uh, Sirius,” James starts, scratching the back of his neck.
“Yes, Prongsy?” he replies, not at all liking the way his friend is looking at him. His mouth remains open, but no words come out, so of course Remus decides to speak up instead.
“They aren’t looking at you because your mom is a nutter. They’re looking at you because you look more like a god amongst men than you did before. I don’t know what you were eating this summer but honestly, it’s a little ridiculous,” he says, and James would not have said it that way but-
“Yeah, mate. We heard some of the girls talking about it earlier,” he continues, ignoring the way Remus had said god amongst men like he had really meant it.
Sirius takes a proper moment to think about the implications of what they said and then smiles just a bit, “People are staring because they think I’m hot?”
“Yes.”
He turns his attention to Remus, lips curling further upwards. Remus smiles back despite himself, unable to ever deny Sirius anything.
“Do you think I’m hot, Moons?”
“I think you’re a slag,” he replies easily.
“I think you like that,” Sirius continues.
“I rather do, actually,” Remus says, and it was a joke, it had to be like every other time they had done this, except Sirius isn’t joking. He truly is flirting with Remus despite Remus never seeming to notice it.
“I knew you had fallen for me, Moony. You couldn’t resist my charms,” Sirius says.
“Guilty,” he deadpans, and he returns to his book. Sirius wants to pull him close and slot their lips together like puzzle pieces he is sure would fit. He wants to trace the scars that litter the taller boy’s skin. He wants to straddle Remus' thighs, cage him in, push his hands under the unexplainably soft jumper Moony is wearing, and feel safe in his arms.
Honestly, he simply wants Remus to fuck him and then never let him go. He isn’t sure why that is so difficult a request to fulfill, if he is being honest, not that he has voiced that request out loud in any way shape, or form.
Sirius rolls abruptly off the bed and ambles towards the bathroom.
“Where ya off to?” James calls out.
“Gotta piss, Jamie boy. Wanna join?”
“Yes please!” He answers but there is no sound of feet following after him, so he knows one of two things has happened. Either James bought the lie, which is very unlikely, or he would corner him later when it was slightly less suspicious. Sirius is guessing it is the latter.
And he is, of course, right. A bit later on, James follows him to the common room, both of them walking towards the exit on Sirius’ journey to go to Minnie’s office. She said she just wanted to have a chat, and Sirius has yet to do anything to warrant him being in trouble, so he doesn’t really know what to expect.
“Wanna talk about that interaction earlier?” James starts.
“Not really. It was nothing,” Sirius argues and James groans in response.
“I think it was a lot more than nothing. I think you enjoyed it. Your eyes got all twinkly, Padfoot.”
“Of course they did, he’s the moon of my life,” Sirius answers jokingly
“Oh Merlin, please do something about this crush-“
“Gotta go, I got detention.”
“No, you don’t! You have a friendly chat at any time before dinner!” James shouts as Sirius escapes through the portrait hole.
Only to be met with Remus who had been in the dorm one minute ago, which meant he had followed after and slipped past while Sirius had been talking to James.
“Are you and Prongs conspiring against me?” Sirius asks, frowning.
“No, he doesn’t know I followed you both out. I thought I’d walk to your detention,” Remus replies, sliding off the wall to walk with Sirius.
“It’s not a detention,” Sirius grumbles.
“But you just told Prongs it was,” Remus argues with a smile, and Sirius immediately feels caught. “Are you lying to James, Sirius?”
It was a joke, but Remus actually seems a bit concerned. Sirius never has never lied to James or hid things from him.
“Did you hear the whole conversation?”
“No, just the part about the detention.”
“Not even the part about you being the moon of my life?” Because of course, Sirius would say that. He just can’t help himself, can he?
“No, I heard that. I just already knew it, so I figured it didn’t need repeating,” Remus answers, smiling.
“It always needs repeating, moonbeam. Always,” Sirius urges, a smile plastered on his face. He thought it had been rather believable, but it seemed Remus had other ideas.
“What’s wrong, Sirius?” Remus asks, his voice so fucking soft that Sirius wants to curl into it.
He could lie. Sirius is rather good at lying, really. He’s been doing it his whole life, following his mother’s footsteps. Blacks were exceptionally good at tricking people, telling so many lies until the web became intricate and hard to navigate.
Thing is, he isn’t a Black, though. He doesn’t hold the rights to a name of that stature anymore. He isn’t anything except Sirius, and he is so tired of the lying.
“It’s complicated,” he starts, visually deflating in a way Remus had rarely seen.
“I’m rather good at complicated,” Remus reasons and that is absolutely true. Remus’ entire being screams complicated.
“It’s scary,” Sirius whispers. Remus gives a soft smile.
“I’m rather good at that, too.”
And well that, that is not true at all.
“Remus, Merlin, no you are not. I have never been scared of you,” Sirius argues. “You’re soft and warm and beautiful. You are the opposite of scary.”
And Remus stills, for just a moment, before he does the unthinkable. He brakes out into a small smile as he steps forwards, grabbing either side of Sirius’ face in his hands and leaning down to press their lips together.
Sirius doesn’t even take a second to think, simply melts into Remus and thinks yes this, forever this.
It is the whole world titling another degree, waves crashing on the shore, fire growing and growing and growing.
His hands clutch at Remus’ jumper as he angles his face upward more, standing a bit on his toes and Remus’ hands move downwards to Sirius’ waist to lift him up closer. They meld together as if they are made to be this way.
Sirius wishes he had been brave enough to do this ages ago because it is fucking everything. Remus is breathing life back into Sirius that Sirius didn’t realize he lost until this very moment. They pull away after some amount of time that they couldn’t have tracked if they tried.
“You’re wonderful,” Sirius says lightly, feeling far better than he had in almost all his life. Remus kisses the top of Sirius' head.
“Yeah?” Remus asks.
“Yes,” Sirius confirms, “So fucking wonderful.”
“I’d say the same about you, but I have to ask you something first,” Remus replies.
Sirius hums.
“Did you trip Nancy after she asked me out?” Remus mutters and Sirius can’t help the laugh he lets out, his forehead resting against Remus’ lips. Sirius likes the peaceful feeling that has settled over him, likes the feeling of Remus holding him close and making jokes, likes the tingling feeling on his lips as he reconnects them with Remus’.
There’s no violent monster hiding in the darkness anymore, they are alone and it’s lovely. Everything is so completely lovely.